Rundown (Curveball Book 2) (36 page)

I
used to love this house and now I want nothing more than to be out of
it.  The memories are so tainted I want to leave tonight and
never look back.  If it weren’t for the kids I’d do just
that, but they deserve better.  They need closure on this
chapter of their life and I won’t let this impact them, although a
part of me desperately wants to tell the kids that Mark’s alive. 
I’m so sick of all the lies; it seems unfair that I keep this from
them.  Perhaps one day he could be back in their lives.  I
don’t know what that would require or if I have a choice.  Who
knows if they’d want a relationship with him after what he did. 
I sure as hell don’t.

The
temperature in the house becomes too much and I don’t for one
minute believe the thermostat’s reading of 68 degrees. 
I
need fresh air.
  Feeling like a child, I let Corinne know
I’ll be in the backyard and want to be alone.  She’s clearly
uncomfortable so we agree that she’ll sit on the deck and stay out
of my hair. 

Being
that it’s the middle of winter, I put on my coat and grab a
blanket.  I also take a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and a
glass of wine and trek out to the kids swing set.  I’m out
here no less than five minutes, absentmindedly swaying, when an
unwelcome visitor ruins my peace.

“
I
don’t want to see you,” I say.

“
Yes,
I believe Everett delivered that message.”

“
Then
why are you here?”

“
There
are things I need to say to you.”

“
Answers
would be nice.”

“
We’ll
get to that,” he says, clearly in no rush.

“
What
else is there to discuss, Mark?”

“
Us.”

I
recoil at the statement.  “Us,” I repeat sarcastically. “Was
there really ever an ‘us’?”

“
This
must be difficult for you to understand, and I know you won’t
believe me, but I’m going to say it anyway,” he tells me, taking
a seat on the vacant swing to my right.  “I married you
because I loved you…I
still
love you.  I’m the same
man you shared your life with.”

“
That’s
not true.”

“
For
the most part it is,” he replies.  “The first time I saw
you, I wanted to know you better.  I put off asking you out for
years because I couldn’t deny that you were the one for me.  I
understood what that meant for us given my career,” he explains,
sounding nostalgic. 

“
After
our first date…that first kiss, I couldn’t go back.  I
wanted a normal life and selfishly I wanted my job too.  I
convinced myself that I could have both and that it wouldn’t affect
you.  I never meant to hurt you.  I want you to know that
leaving you and our children was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

“
Couldn’t
have been that hard,” I mutter, looking up at the sky. 

Mark
sighs, his frustration evident.  

“
I
used to think about it a lot; your suicide.  It literally
consumed me every single day for nearly two years.  I can’t
tell you how often I’ve replayed that last morning with you. 
Always wondering what I could have done to make you stay; to make you
want to live.”  My eyes burn as they fill with tears. 
“Do you know what it’s like to blame yourself for someone else
being so miserable that they’d end their own life?”

“
Not
firsthand, no.  The fact that you thought that…” Mark pauses
and drops his head.  “It’s not the same as what you
experienced, but I’ve always been there while you grieved,” he
states.

I
look to him and internally repeat what he said.  “Vivian isn’t
the only one listening then?”

“
The
day I walked out should have been the last time I saw you or heard
your voice.  Two weeks after I left, I was struggling.  I
thought about quitting and taking you and the kids to some secluded
place where no one would find us,” he explains.  “Instead, I
rigged the house with listening devices because anything else was too
risky.  It wasn’t the same as being there but I at least got
to keep a part of you in my life, even if all it did was torture me.”

I
can’t help but release a humorless laugh.  “How exactly did
we
torture
you
?”

“
Simple.
 I heard everything and couldn’t be a part of it.  You
crying and your constant nightmares were the worst because I caused
both.  I badly wanted to fix things, to be with you again…I
told myself that after this case was over, maybe you’d want that
too.”  Mark pauses, silently watching me.  “Since your
ordeal with Drew, everything’s changed.  Now I hear your
laughter and…”

“
And
what?”

“
Closure,”
he says, a hint of sadness in his voice.  “That’s a
different kind of torture.”

“
That’s
not remotely close to what me and the kids went through,” I
exclaim.  “Forgive me for not feeling sorry for your
situation.”

“
I
don’t expect you to.  Believe me, I deserve your anger.  Deep
down I do want you to be happy.  There’s a difference though,
between wanting something because it’s the right thing, and hearing
it take place.”

“
What
rooms are bugged?” I ask anxiously.

“
Everywhere
but the bathrooms.”

I
release the breath I was holding and replay moments from the last two
years. 
What would it have been like for him? 
So he
heard my nightmares and my crying sessions in the closet.  He
also would have heard the kids bonding with Drew, maybe even Maddie
calling him ‘daddy’.  The bitch in me hopes that he did.

“
How’d
you do it?  Fake your death I mean.”

“
The
police officer, mortician, Vivian…they were all in on it.  I
had to include Vivian in order to build her trust.  It wasn’t
easy.  I didn’t think you’d come in to the room. 
Vivian was supposed to do whatever she had to do to be the one who
identified my body.  When I heard you fall to the floor…I
wished I
were
dead.”

“
In
that moment I hated you.”

“
I
hated myself.”

“
Why
didn’t you just quit?”

“
If
it had been that simple…I told you yesterday, I didn’t have a
choice.” 

“
You
did, actually.  You chose your job over us.”

“
You
sound like Dosdell,” he says and my head jerks toward him.

“
You
know him?”

“
He’s
my mentor.”  I try to process this.

“
So
your mentor advised you to leave the agency but you stayed anyway?”

“
Dosdell
wanted me to leave the agency, partly due to his own past.  His
cover was blown during one of his operations years ago and his wife
and son were murdered as a result.  He never had the chance to
choose running or staying in his job.  He was forced into his
fate.  When he started looking after you as a favor to me, he
was pissed…pissed that I didn’t at least try to get out before
things got bad, or ask to be reassigned.  Deep down, he knows
that I would have been in danger either way, and putting you and our
children at risk wasn’t an option for me.  I took the option I
thought was best.”

“
How
would we have been in danger if you left or took another job?”

“
You
don’t just quit the CIA,” he says with finality.

“
I
don’t understand what Dosdell’s role was.  He told me that
he was working with the Boston Police on reevaluating your case. 
How was that protecting me?”

 “
He
joined my team and went undercover about a year after I left home. 
To Vivian, he was known as a corrupt Boston Police officer whom I had
a past with.  Once Alexis sent you the necklace, Vivian began to
get worried.  She didn’t know who had sent you the necklace at
that point and thought that damning information would be uncovered. 
If Alexis had sent you other details, rather than just get you to
rethink my cause of death, Vivian would have killed you. 

“
As
a result, Dosdell’s role became convincing you that I had been
murdered.  He would have provided evidence pinning the murder on
a suspect that was already dead, who in reality was another agent. 
There would have been no reason for a trial and you would have felt
vindicated enough about your assumptions to the point that you’d
accept my death and move on.  That was the plan anyway.”

“
So
when he arranged for Drew and me to meet him at the safe house, he
was honestly going to help us?”

“
Yes.
 Lucas and Pierce were there to help.  We aren’t sure how
the gunmen found you.  Our assumption is that they traced your
cell phone to the nearest tower at some point when you were in the
woods.  That would have given them a 15-30 mile radius.  There
wasn’t much in that area so they likely found the few places where
civilization existed, with people who were desperate for money and
paid whoever they could to contact them when you showed up.”

“
That’s…insane.
 This is like some warped detective show.”

“
I’m
sure it feels that way.”

“
Did
that man die?  The one from the dealership?”

Mark
nods.  “Too many people died.  It wasn’t supposed to be
like this.  You were never supposed to be on that flight.”

“
What
changed?” I ask.

“
The
group responsible changed the end game,” he replies somberly.  

“
And
Vivian?  If I didn’t have any information, why’d Vivian want
to kill me?” 

Mark
shifts uncomfortably.  “She claimed it was a test to see if I
was loyal enough to their cause.”

“
Sounds
like you have a different theory.”

“
Does
it matter?  She put you in danger.  The reason is
inconsequential.”  

“
Yeah,
because it’s not your life she’s playing with.”

“
If
it meant protecting you or our kids, I’d give my life without
question.  Playing with your life is the same as playing with
mine…only I care about yours much more.”

“
You
must have enough evidence to put her away.  Why haven’t you
arrested her?  I wouldn’t be in danger if she was behind
bars.”

“
She’s
not the biggest threat.  The leader of Threads, a man that goes
by Major Arnold, is our biggest concern.  Vivian just happens to
be the only one who has access to him.”

“
Can’t
you just…I don’t know, use Vivian to get to Major Arnold?” I
ask.

“
That’s
the plan,” he says again, and I hope for everyone’s sake he has a
plan B this time.

“
Where’s
Dosdell now?”

“
Major
Arnold became suspicious when plans didn’t materialize in
Pittsburgh.  Dosdell’s in hiding, at least until all of this
is over.  I’m sure he’d like to meet you properly when that
day comes.”

“
I’d
like that.”

The
silence extends a long time and I think back to what he said earlier,
about taking us with him.  “I would have gone, you know. 
If you’d told me what was going on, the kids and I would have left
with you.” 

“
At
the time, knowing that wouldn’t have changed my decision.  I
didn’t want that life for any of you.  Being on the run, not
knowing if we were safe or not.  I wanted you to truly live.”

His
response shouldn’t disappoint me, yet that’s exactly what I feel.
 Standing, I pull the blanket tighter creating the illusion of
boundaries and comfort.  He really thinks he did the right thing
by leaving us.