Running on Empty (10 page)

I awake in my room, my pillow drenched in tears. My eyes remain shut but the tears continue.

Derek.

Gone.

Alone.

Empty.

As I re-play the death of Derek, just as it was in my dream over and over again, I find myself getting angrier each time.

Angry at myself for being so weak.

Angry at Derek for dying and leaving me behind.

And honestly, I find myself angry at a certain
someone
for showing up after all these years. Trying to be my hero. I don’t need a hero. I don’t need anyone.

And I sure as hell
do not
need Blake Morgan.

Thursday morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm, evidently set to the tone of “Drill Nails into Alex’s Skull”. I honestly don’t know if my headache is from the wine, the tears, or a combination of both. Whatever the reason, I’m being severely punished this morning. Turning my alarm off, I drag myself out of bed and make the rounds to wake up my girls. I walk into Nycole and Kyndall’s shared room and turn on the light. Their heads immediately disappear under their sheets.

“Get up sleepyheads!” I shout, immediately cringing in pain.

I watch their beds for any sign of movement. This is going to be an extremely long morning.

“Girls….please get up. Mommy isn’t feeling great this morning. Can you guys help me a little and get out of bed now, instead of waiting until the thirty-seventh time I ask? Please? I will love you guys forever.” I sing the last line.

Nycole’s head pops straight up. “So, are you saying there’s a possibility you
won’t
love us forever?”

A small smile finds its way to my lips as I look at this little girl who’s growing up so fast.

“Um, no. But it was an effective way to get you two up, no?”

“Mama,” Kyndall says, removing the covers from over her head. “That wasn’t very nice. Are you sure you’re gonna love us forever?”

“Girls, I will love you forever and ever and ever. There’s
no
way I could ever stop loving you. You’re both my babies. Did you know that when you are
fifty
years old, you’ll still be my babies?”

They both giggle.

“So, yes, I’ll love you forever. Unless you guys don’t get out of bed this minute. Then I will love you
no more
!” I yell as I jump onto Nycole’s bed and start tickling her. Kyndall jumps on my back in a measly effort to protect her sister. I bring her little body over my shoulder and throw her onto Nycole’s bed, tickling her as well. We’re all giggling when I hear Rylie’s little voice as she enters the room.

“Hy-yah!” She shouts, running across the room. She jumps on my back, karate chopping and kicking like the ninja master she is. When I finally catch a glimpse of her, I break out into laughter.
Oops.
I guess we forgot to take off her swimsuit before she went to bed. Oh well, at least I did manage to remember to braid her crazy hair after her bath, which will make getting her ready much, much easier this morning.

“Nice kick, young grasshopper. Now guys, let’s get out of this room and start getting ready for school.”

Maybe I should have reconsidered the early morning wrestling match, because now my head is
really
throbbing. Yet, I smile to myself in lieu of my misery. It was so worth it.

The rest of the morning is pretty uneventful. The only minor hiccup is Rylie refusing to wear shoes that actually match her outfit. And since I’m running on my morning after Wild and Wacky Wednesday speed, I opt to not argue with her about it. While heading to the car, I shake my head as I look at my beautiful baby girl, brown curly hair blowing everywhere, dressed in a blue sundress that Nancy bought her with a pair of red and white checkered flats. Well, if nothing else, it’s very “Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz”-esque.

While driving the normal morning route, I decide that I completely loathe the “Do you know?” game that Rylie has recently started forcing me to play with her.

“Mommy, do you know what starts with A?”

“What?”

“Apple and Art.”

“That’s right baby. You are
so
smart.”

“Mommy, do you know what the potty is called?”

“What?”

“The toilet or the rest room.”

“That’s right baby. Hey, Kynd–”

“Mommy, do you know the color of brains?”

“Rylie – we don’t talk about–”

“Pink. Brains are pink, Mommy.”

“Rylie, that’s right. But please don’t talk about brains, okay? I don’t think your teachers in your new big girl class would like that.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“Do you know the capital of New York?” she asks. Honestly, she’s got me there.

“No, honey, what is the capital of New York?”

“Albany.”

How does she know this stuff? And why New York? Why not Texas?

“Rylie? What’s the capital of California?” I suddenly feel the need to gauge this child’s intelligence level.

“My formula.” She smiles widely looking back at me in the rearview mirror.

Phew! Okay…so she isn’t completely smarter than me. I grin back at her wholeheartedly.

After I drop the girls off at all of their respective drop sites, I head over to Prestige. Walking in the door, I let out a snort as I look at Harlow.

“Sporting the after Wednesday night look as well my dear friend?” Harlow is in the process of popping ibuprofen in her mouth. Her hair is in a pony tail, which is an extremely rare occurrence.

“I totally blame you for this look, actually,” Harlow snaps back, obviously not in the mood for my first-rate sarcasm this morning.

“Well then, we’re even because I didn’t get an ounce of sleep last night thanks to you. After you left, I went into the attic and found some random box labeled ‘Alex’s Stuff’ – did you do that by the way because your labeling is completely unacceptable. Anyway, I opened it, and found the charm bracelet Blake gave me when we were kids. You remember which one I’m talking about, right?” I watch Harlow give a slight nod yes, obviously in too much pain for a full-fledged head shake.

“Well, I had some unfortunate memories about him, and then proceeded to have some even more unfortunate memories revolving around Derek’s death. So needless to say, if we’re playing the blame game, I win…by a freakin’ landslide.”

I think I just word vomited on myself. I need some coffee.

“Okay…you win,” Harlow says emphatically surrendering. “Sorry for the drunken lecture. But honestly, we don’t have that many chances to really talk, ya know? I said what I felt needed to be said and what I know you needed to hear.”

“I know, Harlow. It doesn’t make it easy to take though. I know everything you said is true, but honestly, I’m just not ready. Maybe someday, but not now.”

Sighing extremely loudly, Harlow places the ibuprofen bottle on the counter. “I’m
not
getting into this with you today, Alex. I’m too tired and too hung over.”

“That’s completely fine by me,” I say as my cell starts ringing. “What the–”

“Who is it?”

“Oh. My. God. I completely forgot I left a message with his parents. It’s Blake.”

Covering her mouth in an effort to try to hide her obvious amusement, Harlow asks, “Well, are you going to answer it?”

“Hell no, I’m not going to answer it.” I throw my phone back into my purse. “I don’t have time for this shit, Harlow. So what, he’s here after all of these years? Honestly, I don’t care. It has nothing to do with me. I haven’t spoken to the man in years. There’s nothing to say. He did me a favor. Big freakin’ whoop. I’m not obligated to answer his phone calls. So I’m not going to.”

“Okay…jeez, Lucifer. I was just asking a question. You sure are defensive about a phone call.” Harlow’s enjoying this. I can tell by the delighted look on her face. I decide to squash any thoughts that may be going on in that devious mind of hers.

“Well, I don’t want you to get your hopes up, Harlow. I’m broken. And I don’t anticipate being fixed anytime soon. And I sure as hell don’t expect Blake Morgan to be my cure. Nor do I want him to be. I’m comfortable where I am in my life,” I say walking into my office. “I
don’t
want to hear anything else about Blake Morgan.
Ever
!” I shout at Harlow, slamming my door.

I swear I hear her laughing, but I choose to not acknowledge it. I sit down at my desk and look at my phone. Shit, he left a voice mail.

After staring at my phone for five minutes, I delete the message without even listening to it. There’s nothing Blake has to say that I want to hear. Now or ever.

Well…it seems my gut feeling was spot on, as usual, about Harlow and her new potential man, Trace. He calls while I’m deleting my unheard message from Blake. Harlow excitedly rushes into my office and demands that I accompany her on Friday to meet Trace. He got the job with Synergy and wants to meet for drinks to celebrate. Evidently this is some kind of girl code I’m unaware of….number one, because I haven’t been on the dating scene in a ridiculously long time. And two, because Harlow never bothers to “date” anyone.

Very interesting.

I accept because, while I do love Harlow, I really just need a good girl’s night out. So, if nothing else, it will be an enjoyable evening with my friend. With a little bit of Trace thrown in...

Friday “day” comes and goes, and now I find myself in my bathroom, putting make-up on with my mother-in-law Nancy, aka the babysitter – also aka Derek’s mother, sitting on the bathtub behind me discussing the schedule for this evening.

“We’re meeting Trace at George’s Bar at seven. After that, I have no idea.” I chuckle as I look at Nancy in the mirror. “You have met Harlow right?”

Smiling back, Nancy nods her head. “Yes, I have. I’ll stay however long you need me. Actually, I’ll probably just take the girls to my house for the night so there’s no need to hurry back. You girls enjoy your evening. Don’t worry about us. We’ll be just fine.”

After a few second of silence, Nancy speaks again. “I heard Blake Morgan’s in town.”

“What? Blake Morgan?” I ask innocently. Seriously, is there a Blake Morgan convention going on that I don’t know about? “Yeah, I ran into him earlier this week. How do you know Blake?”

“Alex, he and Derek were friends, don’t you remember? He used to come over to our house with Derek after the football games. Very sweet boy as I remember,” she says as though lost in a memory.

“Yeah, well he may have been sweet, but Derek was the only one for me. You know that. I didn’t really notice anyone else in high school. I don’t really think he would have appreciated that much.”

I shoot her a smug smile. I really don’t want to get into this with her before my much needed girls’ night.

“I know. I was just thinking that maybe –”

“Um, no. Don’t start. I’ve already gone into this with Harlow and I don’t feel like rehashing it with you. I’m still in love with Derek, Nancy. It wouldn’t be fair to start something with someone else. I would think that you, especially, would appreciate that.” I apply the second coat of mascara to my lashes.

Leaning forward and placing both hands on the counter, I will myself to meet her eyes in the mirror. I’m so sick and tired of this conversation.