Rush (17 page)

Chapter 14

Max

The familiar nightmare about Carter woke
me in a tangle of sweaty sheets. The silence in my room was so thick it almost
hurt my ears. I stared up at my ceiling. A different ceiling from the one in
the dream, plaster instead of drywall, an old house in a small college town
instead of a giant suburban log mansion built in the nineties. But my heart
raced, my hands shook as if the gun had just gone off.

I covered my face. Why had I been
playing with that goddamned gun? Why had I thought it was unloaded? If I’d had
any common sense at all, Carter would still be here. He’d be seventeen by now,
just starting his senior year of high school. Football games and homecoming and
prom. Girlfriends. Instead he was rotting in the ground.

With stiff, awkward motions, I pushed myself
into a sitting position on the mattress. That was when I noticed Frederick
sitting on the floor next to the altar below my window. Odd. He never sat on
the floor.

He wasn’t wearing the sack suit, either.
Instead, he had on a pair of loose denim pants, not jeans exactly but something
similar, and a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He looked like a
lumberjack.

His hair wasn’t slicked down the way it
usually was, either. Or maybe I’d just assumed he slicked it down, because he
normally had that derby on and today he didn’t. His head was bare. His hair
looked so much like mine...his eyes were almost identical to the ones I saw in
the mirror every day. It gave me a really creepy feeling all of a sudden, like
I was seeing a nineteenth-century version of myself.

“Morning, Fred.” My voice sounded rusty.

“You were dreaming,” he said, his
dark-blue Max-like eyes sad.

“Yeah.” The less said about that, the
better.

“It wasn’t your fault, Max.”

“Sure it was.” I looked away from his
knowing gaze. “I was the one with the loaded gun.”

“You thought it wasn’t loaded.”

“Isn’t that what they all say? I didn’t
know there were any bullets in it. It’s a bullshit excuse and you know it.”

“What was your father thinking, keeping
a loaded gun in a house with three boys? Have you ever thought about that?”

I shrugged. “That doesn’t relieve me of
the responsibility of what I did.”

“You’re determined to blame yourself.”

“Because I’m to blame.” I threw back the
comforter and crawled out of bed. Time for some coffee.

What a life I led. My closest friend was
a ghost no-one else could see. I spent my time studying, working on my
computer, and talking to said invisible friend. It hadn’t been this way in
Seattle; I’d known quite a few people up there. Here in Avery’s Crossing, the only
person I wanted to spend time with was my stepbrother’s girlfriend, and that
wasn’t happening.

Dressed only in my underwear, I stumbled
into the bathroom. Luckily, Fred chose not to follow me. He could have come
right through the wall, but he’d learned over the years that I liked to have at
least an illusion of privacy.

Now for coffee. He was waiting for me,
leaning against the counter of my cramped kitchen. I measured beans into my
grinder and tried to ignore him. After a dream like the one I’d had, I didn’t
want to talk or think. If I could have erased myself, I think I would have.

I gave my ancestor a reluctant glance. “Coffee?”

“Hah. Don’t taunt me.”

“You look like a farm laborer or a
lumberjack. What’s with the clothes?”

“My suit needed cleaning.”

I laughed in spite of myself.

“How did you get hold of that gun, Max?”

My laughter died. “It was in my dad’s
office.”

“Yes, but why did you go in there and
get it?”

Thinking about that terrible day made
everything in me hurt like hell. I didn’t want to remember. But Fred was
looking at me expectantly as I ran the coffee grinder.

“I’m not sure. I think Trent had asked
me about it.”

“Trent asked you to play with it?”

“No. I don’t know. I’m not sure, all
right?” I sighed. “It was a long time ago, and I’ve done everything I can to
forget.” Even though the image of Carter’s broken body covered in blood would
be engraved on my brain cells forever.

“I don’t want to cause you pain,” he
said. “But I think it might help to remember everything you can about that
afternoon.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure. Something is missing.”

“Weren’t you there?”

He shook his head. “No. Do you think I
would have let you do something like that if I’d been around to prevent it? I
wasn’t aware of you until after the accident.”

I tossed the freshly ground beans into
my coffee maker and added water. Coffee was really the only thing I knew how to
make, except stuff that could be heated up in the microwave.

“Fred, I appreciate that you’re trying
to help me, but I don’t want to remember anything about Carter’s death.
Remembering won’t change anything; it won’t bring him back or make me any less
guilty. I just want to let it go. All right?”

“I understand, but I think you’re making
a mistake.”

To hell with the coffee. I abandoned my
efforts at cooking and went back into my bedroom for my clothes. The last thing
I wanted right now was a heart-to-heart with Fred about the worst moment in my
life.

My jeans and t-shirt went on fast. I
stuck my feet into my shoes and made for the door. He stood in the middle of my
living room, watching me but not doing anything to stop me. His eyes still
looked sad, and I didn’t want to see that.

Outside, rain fell. I’d forgotten my
jacket, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going back into my apartment for it because
then I’d have to talk to Fred. Out here, if he showed up I’d just ignore him.
Easier to ignore him when I had the excuse of not wanting to look like a madman
to the other people in the vicinity.

By the time I made it to the local
coffee house, my shirt and hair were soaked and I was starting to shiver. It
was Caroline’s coffee house, the one she’d brought me to that day we walked by
the river. I got myself a bagel and coffee and sat down in the back. Early on a
Saturday morning, there weren’t many people here, which left me too alone with
my thoughts. I looked around for a newspaper or something to take my mind off
my past.

A mom came in with two kids, a boy and a
girl. They both had pale blond hair. My stomach cramped. They looked so much
like Carter it was painful to see them, chattering and laughing just the way he
always had. The boy was tugging on his mom’s arm and pointing at the pastries
on display in the glass cases next to the cash register.

I looked away. Damn it. I couldn’t even
go out for coffee without being reminded of him. When was it going to stop?
Twelve years hadn’t been enough—not nearly enough—to take away the pain of what
I’d done.

If I could to back to that afternoon and
trade places with him, I would. Except then he’d be the one with the murderous
burden of guilt on his shoulders. He’d be the one wishing his life away, and I
would never do that to him. To anyone.

“Max?”

I looked up to see Caroline standing
next to my table. She wore a damp navy-blue pea coat and a blue hat with a
down-turned brim. She had a little smile on her face, like she wasn’t sure
whether I would acknowledge her or whether maybe I’d pretend she wasn’t there.
This weird surge of yearning and annoyance came over me, a crazy desire to snap
at her for being so inconveniently taken and kiss her at the same time.

“Caroline.”

She had a cup of coffee in one hand and
a plate with a piece of cake in the other. “Mind if I join you?”

“Um...no. Go ahead.”

She sat down across from me. “I never
come in here. And when I finally do, you’re here.”

“You want me to leave?”

“Oh, no. That’s not what I meant at all.
It’s just kind of strange. Do you come here often?”

“I usually make my own coffee.” I tilted
my head, studying her. “Should you be talking to me? Trent won’t like it.”

Her cheeks turned pink. “I know.”

“And...”

“I don’t want to talk about that right
now.” Her gaze narrowed. “Why are you soaking wet?”

“I forgot my jacket.”

“Max, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” My voice came out in a bark.

She recoiled slightly. “Maybe I should
go.”

“No, don’t go,” I said with a regretful
sigh. “Sorry, it’s just been a weird morning. I didn’t mean to take it out on
you.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not especially.”

She bent her head and sipped her coffee.
I could tell I’d made her uncomfortable. It pissed me off that she was with
Trent when I wanted her. Dumb, I know, but I wanted her so damned much it was
all I could do not to reach across the table and caress her hand. The fury of
my frustration made me growl low in my throat.

“I’m surprised you’re here after Trent
told you I’m a devil-worshipper,” I said.

Her head jerked up. “How did you know he
told me that?”

“It’s what he says to everyone.”

“I didn’t believe him. Should I have?”

My grin was without real humor. “That’s
up to you.”

“Well, is it true or not?” She frowned. “You
said it wasn’t.”

“Did I?” I couldn’t remember saying
anything about it until now.

“Or...no. You said I should believe
every word he said about you. So is it true?”

I shrugged. “I don’t believe in the
devil.”

“Then what are you talking about?”

What was I talking about? Was I trying
to start a fight with her?

I shook my head. “I’m a freak and you
should stay away from me.”

If I stayed here any longer, I would do
something we’d both regret. Standing abruptly, I took my coffee and bagel and
headed for the door. I could feel her gaze following me all the way out of the
coffee house, but I didn’t look back. I plunged out into the pounding rain.

“Max, wait!”

Gritting my teeth, I turned to see her
hobbling after me through the downpour, moving as fast as she could with that
brace still on her ankle. Didn’t she understand? I was a killer. Not the kind
of person she should be hanging around. Still, I couldn’t allow her to hurt
herself trying to run after me, so I waited.

“What?” I said, my voice full of all the
confusion I couldn’t discuss with her.

“I just—why haven’t you talked to me?”
Her face turned pink. “I mean, I haven’t seen you at all since the party,
except that one day in class.”

The words “since the kiss” hung in the
air between us. But I wasn’t going there.

“Like I said, I’m not a good person for
you to be around.”

“But why?” she said, frowning.

“You know why.”

Her lips pressed together, the corners
turning down. “I’m pestering you. Sorry.”

She rotated her body away from me. I’d
hurt her feelings. I didn’t want to hurt her; I’d only meant to warn her what
kind of guy she was trying befriend.

What the fuck was wrong with me? I was
supposed to seduce her. I should be celebrating the fact that she sought me out
on her own, not trying to run her off.

“No.” I caught her by the wrist as she
turned to go. “You’re not pestering me.”

The touch of her skin sent hot shivers
through my body. And it was only her wrist, nothing intimate. What would she do
to me if we were to kiss again? My own face heated and I knew I was blushing.

“I’m sure you have better things to do
than stand around talking to someone like me,” she said.

That made no sense. “Someone like you?
What are you talking about?”

“I’m boring. Not like you.”

“Caroline, you’re anything but boring.”

The pinched look of her mouth relaxed
and a tiny smile hovered around her mouth. “You don’t think I’m boring?”

Had she noticed my blush? “I think you’re
the sexiest woman I’ve ever met.”

Her face went blank. Shit. I’d gone too
far, way too far. We’d only kissed that one time and she was already taken
anyway. I should never have told her that.

“I, um, I want to know more about you,”
she said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

“You do?” Celebrating. I should be
celebrating.

“Yeah. Can we maybe talk a while?”

Screw celebrating—I should be studying.
It was Dead Week, after all. I couldn’t bring myself to turn her down, though.
She might never make the offer again.

“Okay, sure. I’d like that.”

She smiled at me. “Great! But you should
get a coat. You’re soaked.”