Ruthless (8 page)

“She's never gone missing before. It's not like her to not return phone calls, or check in. And now her voicemail is full. Something isn't right. She's somewhere lying in a ditch, rotting.”

“Nana, don't talk like that.”

“She's gone, Pasha,” Nana says, her voice quavering. “I know she is. I've been nothing but a faithful servant. And I know my God is an awesome God. But, once again, the devil done gotten his filthy hands on another one of my own. I know he has.”

I swallow, hard, fighting back the slow-growing pang in my heart. Not for what I've done to that bitch. But for what my Nana is going through at this very moment, for what she'll go through in the very near future when she realizes that Felecia's body will never be found. And there will never be any closure. Not for her.

“I saw her body,” she continues, choking back sobs, “in my dreams last night. “The same way I did when I saw your father's and her mother's. But I didn't wanna believe what was revealed to me.” She breaks down, crying. “Why, Lord? Not another one of my babies!” I tighten my grip on my cell phone, squeezing. “I knew it then. And I know it now. But I don't wanna face it. Not now. I don't think I have it in me to go on. Not this time, baby. I'm tired. I can't bury another one of mine. Not another one of my babies.”

My stomach drops.

“Nana, please.”

I try to console her the best I can, to no avail. She's too heartbroken. And my heart aches for her. So I let her be. Let her sob for what feels like forever until she finally calms. Nana blows her nose, coughs, then blows her nose, again.

She pushes out a heavy sigh. “My God is an awesome God. I lay my burdens down. Lift up my hands. And praise His name. I'm asking Him to deliver me from this pain. To lift up this heavy heart and carry me on my way…”

I press back tears, fight back the gnawing in the pit of my soul. I knew the minute Felecia walked up in here and started talking shit that there'd be no happy ending. But I hadn't thought it all through when I pulled the trigger and blew out the back of Felecia's skull. I hadn't considered the consequences.

That by killing Felecia, I'd be killing Nana, too.

If something happens to her because of Felecia being missing, it'll be my doing. It'll be something I'll have to live with for the
rest of my life.

I
meant
to kill that bitch.

But
killing
my grandmother in the end was never my intent.

“Please, Nana…”

“Pasha, I'm tired, baby. My heavenly Father knows I've fought a good fight. He knows I've given it my all. I'm so, so tired, baby. Your Nana's ready to go home to sit beside her King…”

“Nana, please,” my voice cracks. “I don't like it when you talk like this. I love you so much. It hurts me when you talk about dying and not going on, like you're throwing in the towel and giving up.”

“I can't keep doing this, baby. I can't.”

“You can't keep doing what, Nana?”

An agonizing moment of deafening silence floats in between us. I glance up at the surveillance monitor, then over at the wall clock. My spirit plummets with each ticking second. In my mind's eye, I see the guillotine. I watch the angled blade lift. My body is secured to the bottom of its frame.

My neck hangs slightly under the blade, exposed and ready.

I wait.

“I know what happened to her, Pasha,” she says into the chilling quiet, her voice barely above a whisper. I have to almost strain to hear her.

I shut my eyes tighter. Brace myself. Attempt to steady my breathing as the imaginary blade is released and swiftly drops.

“Somebody…done…murdered…my…grandbaby.”

Believe only half of what you see and nothing of what you hear.

Everyone's suspect…

“W
ell, since we're spending so much time on the phone talking, I've been meaning to ask you. Did you know Jasper was fucking Felecia?”

Silence, followed by a deep breath. “Yo, c'mon, Pash. Don't.”

“Don't
what,
Montgomery?”
I can almost see him cringing through the phone as I call him by his birth name. I smirk.

“Don't put me in the middle of this. I've already fucked up ‘n' crossed lines I shouldna.”

I
tsk
. “Umm, it's a little too late to be worried about that now,
Monty
, don't you think? You've already had your dick in the
middle
of my lips, so you might as well get in the middle of everything else and tell me what I want to know. So, answer the question, please. Did you know about Jasper fucking Felecia?” Of course he knew. But I want to see if he's willing to admit it.

“Shit,” he mutters, blowing out another breath. “Yeah, I knew.”

“Mmmph. Wasn't I the silly fool in the room. Here I thought all that time the bitch was giving you the pussy. And, all the while, that trick-bitch was on her slutty-ass knees swallowing Jasper's babies and letting him fuck her in the ass. You and everyone else obviously knew he was fucking that shitty bitch, except me. And all of you were grinning in my damn face.”

“Yo, c'mon, Pash. It wasn't even like that. Not wit' me ‘n' you, anyway.”

I grunt. “Mmmph. Isn't that special. That's what your mouth says. But I can't tell.”

“C'mon, Pash. Stop it, ma. I never smiled in your face on some sly shit. What was I s'posed to do, huh? Rat Jasp out? Nah, that's not how I move. You should know me better than that, Pash. No matter how fucked up that situation was, it wasn't my place to say anything. That shit wasn't my business, feel me?”

I roll my eyes up in my head, scrolling through pictures of Jaylen that Greta took of him this afternoon, then emailed to me. I touch the screen of my laptop, tracing his little smiling face.
I love you so much, my handsome, little prince.

Not being with my son is killing me!

I suck my teeth. “Whatever, Stax, you did what you were supposed to do. Keep their dirty little secret safe.”

It all makes sense now. The times when Stax would be here and I'd walk up on the two of them looking all cozy, huddled up in each other's faces, whispering, as if they were conspiring. Then the minute one of them would notice me coming into their space, the body language would shift, the conversation would abruptly stop, or they'd quickly change the subject, making them both look suspect. But I'd always act as if I hadn't peeped it. But it always stuck in the back of my head that that bitch was up to something. And somehow Stax was connected.

I just didn't know what.

Stax sighs. “Pash, on some real shit. I was never down wit' how she was movin'. I ain't gonna front on you, Pash. Anytime you'd peep us huddled up, it was me tryna convince her to get her mind right. Or she'd be tryna cry on my shoulder 'bout how Jasp was
playin' her ‘n' how she got caught up in her feelin's for him, ‘n' askin' me what she should do.”

Ohmygod! The silly bitch was really in love with Jasper. Mmmph. Dead, stupid bitch! Isn't that some shit!

“Mmmph. If you say so.” I glance up at the surveillance monitor, then over at the clock. It's a little after eight p.m. I watch as Mel unlocks the shop's door, then steps inside. The slutty me can't help but wonder what he looks like butt-naked, or better yet…with his pants dropped down around his ankles and his dick hanging out of the slit of his underwear.

I lick my lips and swallow.

“Yo, what you mean by that?”

“It means what I said.”

“Oh, so you think I'm not keepin' it straight up wit' you?”

I click into my browser, log in to my Virgin America account, then book another first-class flight to L.A. for six a.m., this Saturday. “I don't know, Stax. Are you?” I pull out my credit card, completing my transaction.

“Check this out, Pash. I have no reason to lie to you. I ain't ever been beat for lies, ma. I'd rather just say I don't wanna talk about it than lie about it. Eventually the shit's gonna come out so you might as well keep it a hunnid from the rip, nah mean? But since we talkin' 'bout lies, riddle me this, Pash: how many have you told?”

I blink. Surprised by the question. But the truth is, I've told enough lies to know that the more you tell, the more you start to believe them to be true. Like all the times I went out on dick patrol, sucking down a nigga's nut, I lied to myself, trying to rationalize that what I was doing wasn't cheating. That it was only a means to an end. That there was no real harm being done. That once
Jasper was released from prison and sent to the halfway house, everything would go back to normal.

It didn't.

I convinced myself that he'd never find out.

But he did.

Fact is, we all lie—for whatever reasons, some more than others. We lie to justify actions, to escape arguments, to spare someone else's feelings, to avoid potential consequences, and even to manipulate. We lie to ourselves over and over, to protect ourselves from our own feelings. Still no matter what shape or form the lie takes on, it is still a damn lie.

And for every lie told, there's always a chance of getting caught, of being found out. Still…the best lies told are the ones laced with truths.

And my truth is, I'm still lying…to manipulate him, Jasper, and anyone else I have to in order to get what I want, need.

In the end, I know we all need to be accountable to the truth. The facts. Not the shit we've conjured up in our heads, convincing ourselves that what we're doing or saying is right. Not the twisted distortions we've allowed to become our realities. No. We need to be accountable—at some point, be stripped down, to the naked truth.

Whatever that may be.

But for now…I'll stay wrapped in lies. Stay enfolded in the pursuit of justice—my
way
; one tortured body at a time.

“I've told my share,” I admit. I hold my breath, waiting for a sliver of guilt to creep up in me. But there is none. So I press on. “Everyone has lied at least once in their life, even if it's only to themselves, or to spare someone else's feelings. Hell. Most people spend most of their lives living a lie.”

“Yeah, I feel you. But I try not to live that life,” he says, conviction
coating his tone. “I'd rather be hurt by the truth, than to be cut down by a lie.”

I shift in my seat, wondering how many times Jasper attempted to wipe the images of me down on my knees with another nigga's dick in my mouth out of his mind before he decided to have me kidnapped. I wonder how long he plotted, played it out in his head, before he finally executed his attack on me. I wonder how he stomached watching his boys, the niggas he broke bread with, take turns running their dicks into my throat. Or maybe he didn't watch at all. Maybe he simply gave the order with strict instructions.

“Remember, she's not to be hurt…”

“… She's pregnant…”

I swallow back the anger rising up in the back of my throat.
Fucking Jasper!
“Hmmm. How noble of you.”

“Nah. It's who I am.”

“Yeah, like grinning in my face, knowing what Felecia and Jasper were doing to me behind my back. But, whatever…it doesn't matter now. The lines have already been crossed. And shit's about to get messier than it already is.”

“Real spit, Pash, you bigger than that, ma. Be the bigger woman ‘n' let that shit go. Walk away, ma. It's not worth it. But since we havin' this conversation, keep it gee wit' me. How you gonna feel any kinda way 'bout me keepin' shit from you when you was out there doin'
you
behind Jasp's back the whole time he was on lock?”

I blink, feeling as if I've just been slapped. And I immediately become defensive, ready to bring it to his ass.
“Excuuuuuse you?!”
I shriek, pushing back from my desk and jumping to my feet, hand up on hip. “Newsflash: I wasn't
doing
shit behind Jasper's back his whole bid. I held out for
two
-and-a-half, sexless, lonely-ass years before I gave in. But that nigga stayed fucking bitches behind my
back whenever he felt the urge. You and I both know it. I never cheated on Jasper, not
once
, while he was on the streets. Never even gave it a thought, even after all the bitches he cheated on me with and I had to run up on. I did…”

“C'mon, Pash, you don't have to—”

I pace the floor, cutting him off. “I wanted dick, Stax,
okay?
I wanted Jasper's dick. This pussy needed it. I wanted that nigga home to fuck me, deep and hard. But he couldn't, Stax. His black ass was locked up. I knew going into it that doing that bid with him wasn't going to be easy. Still, I swore to him I wouldn't fuck another nigga while he was on lock. And I
didn't
. As bad as I wanted to have this pussy gutted by a hard-ass dick, I stayed true to my fucking word.

“But there's only so much fucking a bitch with a high sex drive and a neglected, wet pussy can do with fingers and dildos and phone sex before it's no longer enough. Before it breaks her resolve. And guess what, Stax? It
broke
me. It wasn't enough for me anymore.
I
needed, wanted,
craved
more. My pussy wanted more, my pussy begged for more…”

“I hear you, Pash,” he says, sounding uncomfortable hearing my declaration.

“I
love
dick, Stax, okay? I love
sucking
dick. Lots of it!…”

He tries to stop me again. Tells me he doesn't need to hear this. That he was out of pocket for calling me out like that. But he's already flipped open the confession box. And there's no shutting it back until I am done. Until I have purged my dirty deeds.