Safe to love you (Ink Series - Spin Off Book 2) (17 page)

''Abbie... Erin wants to see you now.'' I manage to speak without revealing any sign of my own sadness. I have to get a grip; I have to be strong for Abbie.

She leaps up from the chair as soon as she hears the sound of my voice, and she grips the front of my shirt, staring wildly into my eyes.

''She...the doctor... she's going to die soon, Presley... I can't let her go. I can't.''

I take a deep breath. ''Abbie, love... I know, but unfortunately... we can't control these things.''

''She can hardly breathe, and her kidneys aren't working anymore. She's in pain.'' Abbie sobs and I feel so helpless. There's no way to make this any better for her.

''I know, Abbie, and I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through this, but I'm here for you. We'll get through this together. I'll do everything in my power to help you.''

''You’re here Presley, that's all I need.'' She kisses my lips tenderly.

“Now come on, your Mom wants to see you.''

When we enter the room, a nurse is standing beside Erin, asking if she needs more morphine. Erin’s hands are shaking even worse now than they were when I left the room a few minutes before, and her breathing's becoming laboured. A wave a tears is forming in her eyes as she agrees to more morphine. She obviously knows what's coming and she doesn't want to let go. I completely understand.

Dwayne's holding Erin’s hands, trying to calm her. ''Shhh, Erin, we're not going anywhere; we're all here for you. We're here to support you,'' Dwayne says in a loving way.

“I know.'' Erin closes her eyes and she falls into a doze. The nurse returns and injects morphine into the IV.

We're all watching Erin, speechless and distraught. After a few minutes, Erin's arms and legs start moving sporadically, as if she’s having some kind of seizure. Her breathing remains the same, the breath ragged as she draws air in and lets it out. She mumbles a few words here and there, but it’s nothing that makes sense. It's so hard to witness someone in so much pain.

Abbie's crying silently, watching her mom with tired eyes. I take a seat at the side of her mother's bed, and she settles onto my lap.

''This isn't normal, is it?'' Abbie asks, wiping tears away. ''Maybe I should ask a nurse.''

''It's normal, Abbie, I’ve already asked. She was like this earlier too.'' Dwayne admits.

''I can't believe this is it... Mom, please.'' Abbie begs her mom not to leave her. A painful lump forms in my throat as I listen to her begging her mother to survive. ''I love you, Mom.''

I kiss the back of Abbie's head repeatedly. I don't know what else to do, I feel so useless. All the money in the world couldn’t buy Erin good health. Cancer is such an insidious disease and it’s eating away at her. There’s nothing I can do to help. The doctor and nurses are already doing everything in their power, to make certain she is free of pain. Erin isn’t my mother, I barely know her, but I still want to scream out the anger boiling inside me. This doesn’t make any fucking sense. Erin isn’t an old woman; she should have many more years of life ahead. The situation is horrible and I can’t do a damned thing to fix it.

Abbie

I'm not leaving Erin; I'll stay with her all night. I know there won't be another tomorrow with Mom. I don’t need the doctors to say it – I can tell. Every passing hour, she grows weaker and weaker. Her face is devoid of color and her eyes seem exhausted. The staff is doing everything they can for her, which is all I can ask for. I'm so grateful for their support.

My eyelids are so heavy. Presley is still awake, but I can see how tired he is. Cameron went home for the night. He seemed to think he shouldn't be here, since he wasn't family. I tried to convince him to stay, but he said he would come back in the morning with breakfast.

I wish there was some way to catch up all the years we’ve spent apart. I will never deliberately stay away from people I love again, never. I'm learning the hard way with this situation. Erin is my mother. How could I stay away from her for so long? I had my reasons, but now they seem meaningless and are causing me heartache.

I wake with a start and realize I fell asleep. I glance at my watch and discover it's 7am. Damn it, I slept for almost two hours. Erin's eyes are half open and I can see that she's worsened. Her chest heaves with every struggling breath. It hurts to see her like this. Her cheeks have hollowed, and she seems so much worse compared to when I first arrived. My heart is broken; I hate this so much. I'm full of hatred.

Erin murmurs my name and I approach her slowly.

“Mom?''

''Abbie… love you… much… strong.'' She closes her eyes and I know she's leaving me.

Dwayne's watching us, with tears in his eyes. He covers his face with his hands and sobs. I don’t think I can watch her die. It hurts too much. Her breathing is growing shallow; I see the light leaving her eyes. I can hear myself talking, begging her not to leave me, I'm begging her to spend more time with me. I'm holding her hand in mine, kissing the backs of her hands in between sobs.

She murmurs one last, “I love you.”
My heart is so terribly heavy when I see the emptiness in her eyes.

She's gone.

I witnessed her last breath.

I scream for the nurse.

Staff hurry in, rushing to her side, but I know it’s too late.

I fall on the floor. The pain of her loss is excruciating.

Mom, I'm lost. Please, please, help me!

Numb. That’s how I feel.

Alone and empty, I have never been like this before and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t have a father; I no longer have a mother. I don't have any brothers or sisters. In the past, I never minded being an only child, but right now, I would have dearly loved having a sibling.

I haven't talked to Presley very much today. I needed some time to think. So much has happened in the past week. I've been sitting outside staring out at the ocean for hours.

I hear Cameron and Presley talking together on the patio. They're waiting for me to pull myself together and say something. Right now, all I want is to have Presley’s arms around me. I’m done crying for now. I need my man to comfort me, to hold me and prove things can get better.

''Presley?'' I call out to him.

''Abbie... I'm here, love.'' He sits on the ground behind me, placing his legs on either side of mine. He wraps his arms around my waist and lays a kiss on my neck. God, I’ve missed him.

I hear Cameron going back inside the house.

''I’m sorry, Presley. You travelled all the way here, and I’m not even spending time with you.''

He kisses my neck. ''All I want is to be here, Abbie.'' He presses feather-light kisses across my temple and tightens his arms around my waist. ''You're going through a terrible time in your life right now, and I'm here for you. I’ve been through the death of my Mom too, don't forget.''

''What would I do without you?''

I rest my head against his chest and we watch the ocean some more. The sound of the waves is soothing and seagulls are soaring overhead. It’s relaxing and fills me with a sense of peace. Once in a while, Presley presses a kiss against my hair. Our fingers are entwined. I’ve missed our touches and sharing this closeness. We are both quiet, but it feels so romantic to be here together. He completes me; I can no longer imagine a life without him. He’s all I have.

''Marry me, Abbie.'' The words hit me, and my heart bounces in my chest. Did I hear him right? The words reverberate in my mind.

Presley

WHAT THE FUCK
did I just say?
It wasn't supposed to come out like that. I wanted to wait until after the funeral to ask her.

Marry me, Abbie.

Marry me, Abbie.

I keep hearing my words, repeating in my mind. I don't regret saying them. I’m only afraid I’ve spoken them too soon. I can’t even tell if she's still breathing. I can’t see her face clearly, so I have no clue how she’s reacting.
Shit
, I’ve screwed everything up. I need to give her some time; she needs to think about this. I’m sure she will want some alone time, to think about my proposal. I curse inwardly. It was way too soon. I am such an idiot. As I’m about to stand up, Abbie places her hand on my knee. She doesn't say anything, but she's tracing little hearts on my jeans with her finger. It tickles. A smile forms on my lips. When she turns to look at me, her eyes reflect pure love, desire and need.

''Yes, Presley. My answer is yes. I'll marry you. I've been dreaming of becoming Mrs. Williams, since the first day I met you.'' She places her trembling hand in mine. The expression on her face is priceless.

Am I dreaming? Please tell me that I’m not...

“My feelings for you are so strong, Abbie. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much, until I met you.”

“I feel the same way, Presley.'' She smiled as she placed her hands against my cheeks and gazed into my eyes.

I wish I had a ring to place on her finger… but she smiles again and I know she’s okay with my improvised proposal.

“You make me happy,'' she says.

“I think about you all the time. I didn't know the meaning of love before you came into my life, and I can’t imagine it without you.'' I’m speaking from my heart.

''Okay, stop now, or I’m going to start crying again. May I have another kiss from my future husband?''

''Sure, Mrs. Presley.'' I tease.

She grins at the sound of her future name. ''Not yet.''

''Soon, very soon,'' I counter with a delighted grin of my own.

Dwayne's sitting at the kitchen table with all the funeral papers spread out before him. He and Abbie have picked Erin’s clothes for the funeral director to dress her in. I know there are still some arrangements to be made, but I wasn’t certain it was my place to offer to help.

''Have you ever been through a funeral before, Presley?'' Dwayne asks curiously.

''My mom died, but we didn't even get to see her before she died. We weren't invited to the funeral. She had a new life in Italy, so we found out about it later.''

Dwayne frowned. ''I'm sorry about that, Presley.''

''Don’t be. That's how life works sometimes.'' I look out the window. Cameron and Abbie are talking together. ''We can’t control everything. Death is one thing we definitely can’t control. We all know it will happen, but nobody knows when.''

''You’re in your twenties and you’re giving me lessons in life.'' Dwayne laughs. It’s the first time I’ve seen him laugh or even seen a smile on his face. He’s a nice man; unfortunately, I’ve met him during such a difficult time. I wish we could have met under better circumstances.

''Well, it's the way I see it. We've got to enjoy the life we have, because you never know when it will end.''

''You’re right. I'm sorry, Presley, but I need to find a singer or musician of some sort for the ceremony. If you’ll excuse me.''

Dwayne has been spending a lot of time planning the funeral. Erin and Dwayne didn't have enough time to talk about the details, or maybe they just didn't want to face the reality of what was approaching. The poor man has had to struggle with all the arrangements himself. If I was in his shoes, I don’t think I would ever survive it. This man has an admirable strength about him and I just hope to be that strong a man for Abbie for the rest of our lives.

Cameron

I'm completely lost. I’ve lost her. She’s getting married. She said yes this time. It hurts. I offered her the same thing, but she turned me down. I don't know if I should stay here or not. I’m so confused. As a friend, I should stay here to support her, but I don't feel like I'm wanted. She has Presley now, and clearly she loves him more than anything. Me. The words she told me are engraved in my head and I won’t stop hearing them.

“
I'm so sorry Cam. I loved you when we were together, and I still care about you, but I couldn’t marry you. We didn’t want the same things back then. We were both young. I was too young to commit.”

“
Now. What about now, Abbie? What do you want now that you didn’t want three years ago?”

“
You wanted a family. I wasn’t ready.”

“
You are now?”
I was bitter about the idea of her getting married.

“
Maybe. I don’t know. Anyway it’s not the point. I agreed to marry Presley. I know this is a difficult decision for you to accept, but I hope, even if it makes me the most selfish woman in the world, that we can be friends. I need a friend like you in my life, Cam. I do.”

I hate my life right now. I want to be mad at her, but I can’t. All my life, I dreamed I would marry her, and cherish her. I wanted to have kids with her so badly. My dream pushed her away, and now I’m paying the price. She's marrying some other guy that she just met. I want to leave, and let her be with her future husband. I'm not useful now, am I? Maybe I’ll come back. Later.

Now that she’s done breaking my heart, I get on my Ninja and speed away on the highway. I have nowhere to go here. I don’t have a place to stay, I don’t have friends. Should I drive back home now? It’s one hell of a ride, and that deters me. The funeral is within the next few days. I can't leave now, but the pain I feel has me wanting nothing more than to escape. My heart, my stomach, and my head are throbbing. Why did I get myself into a situation like this? I was a fool to hope that I could have her back.

I'm going fast, way too fast, but it’s making me feel better. It soothes my anger and the pain I feel is replaced by adrenaline. Immature, that’s what I am. If I could only know how to get rid of the emotions I feel. Everything is so mixed up within my head. I take the next exit leading me to the beach. Once my evil machine is parked, I walk down the beach and reach the water. I look far away at the horizon and it’s empty: no boats, no birds, only the ocean and sky. It’s empty, just like me. I sit on the sand and because I can't hold them anymore, I cry like I haven’t cried in a very long time. I’m crying, but at the same time I’m so angry with myself. I get up and walk to the small pub across from the street. I order myself a beer and then a second, third and fourth.

After a few hours of intense thinking, I know I can't go on with my life if I don’t accept the fact that I lost her as a girlfriend. It’s about damn time that I finally open my eyes and see the woman she is. She is still my Abbie, but she's grown into an intelligent young woman, and that’s all I should be thankful for. She got her degrees like she wanted; she worked hard like she said she would. She achieved every goal she had planned early in her life. I'm proud of her, and I understand it would be my loss to leave and never contact her again. I want her friendship, it’s all that matters.

But right now, I’m afraid I can’t face Abbie. I need some alone time. I need to find a hotel room where I can crash for the night. And I definitely need another drink.

Abbie

I can’t believe he asked me to marry him. He truly did it, and it seems like a dream.

Mom would be happy for me. She seemed to like Presley when she met him. The smile she had on her face when she saw him enter the room was priceless.

Presley didn’t say anything about it, but I noticed his new tattoo. I know it’s related to me and is a testament to how much he cares about me. I fucking love it. I think it demonstrates how much he missed me and how much he loves me. I want him to mark me, one day soon. I want his art on my body.

While Presley has his arm wrapped around me, kissing me and loving me, my thoughts are disrupted by the sound of the Ninja driving away. Cameron's leaving? He didn’t even say goodbye. I know this isn’t a good thing. I hope he wouldn’t just leave without saying goodbye. I run into my room to discover his backpack is gone. Everything is gone, but a note lying on the bed.

Abbie,

I’m sorry. I have to leave. I need to be alone for a while.

Don’t worry, I’ll see you at the funeral.

Love always,

Cam

I hate this, and I’m certain I’m responsible for him leaving. I fucked up. I’ve broken his heart again. The conversation we had after Presley’s proposal obviously affected him more than I’d imagined. There wasn’t any other way to tell him. Presley and I are going to get married, and Cameron needed to hear that news from me. It was never going to be easy for him. We share too much history. Right now, I just wish I could hug him tightly and tell him I'm sorry, even though I know it won’t fix the problem.

I need to tell Presley about Cameron being upset, and his sudden departure. Presley might be able to help me figure out what to do, or what I should say to Cameron to settle things between us.

Presley and I both wait for his return at my mother's house. I refuse to leave her place in case he returns. My future husband offers to get Dwayne and me something to eat. I feel bad to let him go to the restaurant alone to pick up the food, but I need to talk to Cam as soon as he gets here.

The sun is down, it’s getting late and Cam hasn’t returned. I don’t think he’s planning on coming back tonight or maybe even tomorrow. He obviously needs a break and I have to respect that. I have to give him time to come to terms with what’s happening. But I hate to think of him, alone and hurting.

Two days later.

The day has come—my mother’s funeral. I'm sitting on a chair besides Mom’s coffin. Although I haven’t spent time with her in years, she was never the type who spent hours in the bathroom each morning getting ready. She was a natural beauty. Even on her last day, I still thought she was beautiful. Tears roll down my cheeks as the thoughts of her passes through my mind.

Presley is on the phone. His family's been calling him regularly and he’s been fielding phone calls all morning. I spoke with Joy-Anna and Alicia earlier. They sent their sympathies and both said they wished they could come and support me. I think it's great that they want to be here, but all I want is to get this funeral over with and go back home. It’s way too hot here and I'm tired of everyone watching me, as if they expect me to break down. I’m not. I’m strong, and I've been through this situation before. This trip to South Carolina has taught me a lot. How much I missed out on by avoiding my mom, and how much I'm going to miss her now.

Presley is walking towards me. I don't know what’s going on, but there is something weird about his expression. It seems as if he's trying to hide a smile.

''Hello, future Mrs. Williams. Will you come with me, please?'' Presley offers me his left hand and I immediately take it. He positions me by his side and kisses the back of my hand. For some strange reason, he seems nervous. He steers me towards the entrance of the funeral home.

When I glance up, I’m stunned to see Presley’s family standing together, waiting for us at the entrance of the funeral home.

''They came for me?'' I’m deeply touched by the gesture.