Safe With Me (34 page)

“She gets one of her kids returning to the nest, so I guess she’s happy. I’m not going to live in their house, though. We’re going to fix up the old cabin, the one near the edge of the property.” Hannah nods, and then he waits a beat before speaking again. “Are you going to be okay if I leave? I mean, I know you’re a grown-up and everything, but—”

“I’ll be fine,” Hannah says, gently cutting him off. “I’m happy for you, Isaac. Really.”

They sit down to dinner, and he fills her in on all the details of reconnecting with Annie. His face lights up when he talks about her, and although Hannah really is happy for him, she can’t help but be a little jealous that her brother has fallen in love. It somehow compounds her aloneness and makes her realize just how deeply she aches for someone to hold.

•  •  •

Inspired by Isaac’s story about falling back in love with Annie, Hannah drives home from his house surprised to find herself thinking about Seth. He really does seem like a good guy. Granted, most people only show the best version of themselves to new acquaintances, but Hannah likes that at first glance, at least, he seems compassionate and self-aware. She also likes that he helps other people for a living.

Back in her apartment, after unsuccessfully trying to distract
herself from thoughts of him by watching TV, she glances at the clock and wonders if nine thirty is too late to call. She decides it’s not and heads downstairs to get his cell number off his client profile. She’s not exactly sure what she’s going to say, and she knows that she might not be ready to date him, but considering his profession, there’s something she knows she can ask.

Sitting on her small couch, she holds her breath as the phone rings. “Hi,” she says when he answers, exhaling the word. “It’s Hannah . . . from the salon?”

“Hello, Hannah from the salon,” Seth says warmly. “Calling to check up on how happy I am with my haircut?”

She laughs, nervously. “No, not exactly. Well, not at all, really. Not that I don’t hope you’re happy with it or anything.” Realizing she’s babbling, she clamps her mouth shut.

“You can rest assured I am,” he says, an amused edge in his voice. “How are you?”

“I bought a new house today,” she blurts out. “I’m selling the one I lived in with my daughter.”
Why am I telling him this?

“That’s great,” he says, sounding genuinely enthused. “Congratulations.” They spend a few minutes talking about the new house, where it is and what it looks like. Finally, there is a moment of silence before Seth speaks again. “Is there something else you wanted to talk with me about?”

“There is, actually,” Hannah says. Her mouth is dry and she swallows to try to moisten it. “Here’s the thing. I have some things to work out. For myself, I mean. Trust issues, maybe? And my feelings around losing Emily.” She feels the back of her throat tingle with impending tears, and she swallows again to fight them down. “So I was wondering—”

“Let me stop you there, Hannah,” Seth says gently. “I don’t
make it a practice to take on women I’m interested in dating as clients.”

“Oh no,” Hannah says, ridiculously pleased that he just said he wants to date her. “I don’t want to see you professionally.”

“Okay, good,” he says, relieved. “You’re calling to ask me out, then?” She’s pretty sure he’s joking, but still, it makes Hannah squirm.

“Um, no,” she says, wishing she could start this entire conversation over. She is entirely too out of practice with this whole world; she probably just offended him. “I mean, I’d like to go out with you . . .” She trails off and tries to find the right way to tell him what she needs to say. She considers telling him everything about Olivia and Maddie, thinking maybe he’d have some better insight on how she could help them, but realizes she doesn’t know him quite well enough to feel comfortable exposing that much about herself. Instead, she tries to focus on the real reason she decided to call. “Like I said, I’ve got some things to work through. Until I do, I’m not sure I’m exactly ready to take on any kind of serious relationship.”

“You think we’d have a serious relationship?” he asks, and immediately, Hannah wants to take back everything she’s said.

“Well, I don’t know, exactly,” she stutters, and he once again cuts her off, laughing a little bit as he speaks.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t tease you. Go on with whatever it is you want to say. I promise to be quiet.”

“It’s nothing huge,” she says, feeling her heartbeat flutter. “I know we don’t know each other terribly well yet, but I’m wondering if you could recommend a colleague for me to see. A therapist, I mean. Someone who you think I might mesh with?”

“Of course,” he says, suddenly sounding very professional. “Would you be more comfortable seeing a male or female?”

“Female, I think,” Hannah says, considering what a hard time she has trusting men. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Can I email you a list?”

“Great,” she says. She gives him her email address but then hesitates before ending the call. “Seth?” she says, just after he tells her he should probably go. She likes the way his name feels in her mouth.

“Yes?”

“I hope . . . I mean, when I’ve sort of worked through a few things, I’d like to, well, take you out for coffee or something. If you want.” In that moment, she feels more like a nervous schoolgirl than a grown woman. She just told him she wasn’t ready to date yet, and here she is, asking him out? Men just adore women who send mixed messages.

“I’d love that,” Seth says. “Maybe we can just be friends for now. Friends have coffee . . . right?”

“They do.” Hannah smiles, feeling a little less like she’s made a fool of herself.

“All right then, it’s settled,” he says. “We’ll be friends, having coffee. Say, next Sunday morning? If we’re feeling
especially
daring, we could have muffins. Totally nonserious, we’re-just-friends baked goods.”

Hannah laughs. They decide on a time and place to meet, and then hang up. She looks around her apartment with a small, hopeful smile, knowing it really is time to move on. No matter what happens with Maddie and Olivia, it’s time to pick up the broken pieces of her heart and try again.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay at the party?” Olivia asks as she sits on Maddie’s bed, watching as her daughter applies a pair of silver-tipped false eyelashes. She is dressed up as a glamorous witch, with the standard black hat, draped black dress, and pointy-toed black shoes. Maddie has thrown a sparkly turquoise feather boa around her neck for a bit of pizzazz.

“I’ll be fine, Mom,” Maddie says, glancing at her in the mirror. “Jen’s parents are home, remember? You talked with them. They have your number if anything goes wrong. Which it won’t.”

“You just haven’t been to a party like this before,” Olivia says, unable to stop herself from fussing around her child. “There might be kids sneaking alcohol into the punch or getting high in the bathroom . . .” She trails off, then looks at her daughter with wide eyes. She’s afraid to mention what’s going through her mind—she’s never had to worry about anything
like this for Maddie before—but she forces herself to say it. “You know about condoms, right? In case Noah and you decide—”

“Oh my
god,
Mom! I am
not
talking with you about this!” Maddie whips around and stares hard at her mother. “Please. Just trust me, okay? I’m not going to do anything stupid, and if other people are being stupid, I’ll call you to come pick me up.”

Olivia stands and walks over to Maddie, reaching out to straighten her long black wig. In full makeup, her daughter looks so much older than sixteen, and for some reason, this makes Olivia feel scared. What happened to her little girl? “Okay, honey. I’m sorry. I do trust you. This is all just very new to me . . . and you. I just want you to be safe.”

Maddie’s expression softens. “I want that for you, too.” She pauses. “Have you called anyone yet? Do you think we might be able to leave soon?” She says this quietly, stealing a glance at the door, even though she knows her father is at the office.

So many things—her illness, a life ruled by her father’s temper—have made Maddie a cautious girl. Olivia wants nothing more than to free her daughter from that fear, for her to get to live a life filled with openness and unbridled enthusiasm. But the truth is, a part of Olivia still feels stuck. A part of her hopes that if Maddie can just hold on until college, then Olivia won’t have to leave.

“I’ve made a few calls,” Olivia says, realizing that now she is not only placating James but doing it with Maddie, too. Understanding this makes her feel a little ill, like she’s moving farther away from the version of herself she’d like to be instead of closer to it. “Nothing definite, though.”

“What are you going to do tonight?” Maddie asks her.

“I’m making a nice dinner for your dad when he gets home,” Olivia says, trying not to let her worries show on her face. “Are you hungry? Do you need to eat before you go?”

“No, Mom. There’ll be food at the party.”

“What if there’s nothing gluten-free? You should eat something.”

“I’ll be fine!” Maddie sighs and grabs her cell phone from her dresser, sneaking it into the pocket of her dress. “Noah is going to be here any minute.”

Downstairs, Olivia waits with her daughter for Noah to arrive, which he does, not a minute later than he said he would. He stands on the threshold, dressed in what looks to Olivia like a priest’s floor-length black robe. His dark hair is slicked back, and opaque black glasses cover his eyes. “Hi, Mrs. Bell,” he says. “Thanks for letting me drive Maddie to the party.”

“Of course, Noah,” she says with a smile. She likes this boy for Maddie—he seems polite and respectful of her. James hasn’t met him yet, but Olivia is hopeful that because her husband likes Noah’s father, he’ll like Noah, too. “What are you supposed to be?” she asks him.
This is the kind of question a good mother would ask,
Olivia thinks.
At least, I hope it is.

“Neo from the Matrix movies,” he says.

“ ‘There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path,’ ” Maddie says in a deep, throaty voice, which makes Noah crack up laughing. Olivia must look confused, because her daughter says, “It’s a line from the
movie,
Mom.”

“Ah,” Olivia says, suddenly feeling older than she’d like. “Got it.”

Noah looks over Maddie’s costume. “You look great,” he says. “Very pretty.
And
wicked.”

Her daughter ducks her head a bit and smiles. “Thanks.” She leans over and gives Olivia a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be home by midnight,” she says.

“Eleven,” Olivia counters, and Maddie lets loose a heavy, irritated groan.

“Eleven,” Noah repeats. “We’ll be here.”

“Thank you, Noah,” Olivia says. She waves as they climb into his car and drive away, then she shuts the front door.

For a moment, Olivia stands in the quiet of the house, listening to her breath move in and out of her lungs. She knows Maddie is disappointed with her, but she can’t help but feel that James really has turned some kind of corner. He hasn’t raised his voice or touched her in any way other than with gentleness and affection for the past few weeks. Though he still works seven days a week, he has made an effort to come home earlier and to take Olivia out for dinner or just for a stroll together around their neighborhood. She knows he’s had months like this before and then something always set him off, but she’s hopeful that this time, now that Maddie is doing well and they’re back to being a normal family, things have truly changed.

When James arrives home around nine o’clock, which is later than she thought he’d be, Olivia is in the kitchen putting the final touches on his favorite dish—Hungarian paprikash with homemade noodles. Olivia had worked hard to master making it exactly the way he liked it, with plenty of smoked paprika and cayenne pepper to up the spice.

“Hi, honey,” she says as he makes his way from the front door to the kitchen. “Did you get hung up at work?”

“Something like that.” He takes off his suit jacket and
loosens his tie, hanging them carefully on the back of one of the breakfast bar stools. He stares at her as though he’s never seen her before.

“Dinner’s ready,” she says brightly, determined to snap him out of whatever foul mood he might be in. “Do you want me to pour us some wine?”

“Where’s Maddie?” he asks. His voice is gruff, and a shadow falls over his eyes.

“At her friend’s Halloween party . . . remember?” Every siren in Olivia’s body begins to wail. “She’ll be home around eleven.”

James strides up behind her and puts his hands on her hips, kissing the back of her neck. “You sure she’s not going to the mall?”

Olivia freezes. “What?” she says.

James moves his hands up and squeezes her waist. “Oh, right. She
can’t
go there. Because, even though my wife didn’t
tell
me, our daughter was arrested for shoplifting.” He digs his fingers into her flesh until it starts to hurt. Suddenly sick with panic, she tries not to cry out.
How did he find out? Oh god, what else does he know?

“I didn’t want to bother you with it,” she says, hearing the desperation in her voice. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. Maddie didn’t actually steal anything, though. I promise you she didn’t. The friends she was with stuck a pair of earrings in her pocket and then they left her behind to get caught.” Her words come quickly, tripping over each other as they leave her mouth.

“You’re a liar,” James snaps. “And so is Maddie. A
thieving
liar.” Olivia cringes and tries to turn around, but James digs his fingers
into her even deeper. She can’t move. “Imagine my surprise this afternoon,” he says, as though reciting a story to a child, “when my good friend Jacob from the prosecutor’s office meets me for lunch and tells me he ran across my daughter’s name in the system. Imagine how stupid I felt when I didn’t know what the
fuck
he was talking about.” He kisses the side of Olivia’s neck again, and a terrified shiver runs through her. The calmness in his tone frightens her—the eerily gentle precursor to disaster. She has to get out of this house. She has to leave, now. No suitcase, no plan, no lawyer in place. She just needs to run.