SAHM I am (20 page)
Authors: Meredith Efken
Tags: #General, #Fiction, #Domestic fiction, #Family Life, #Christian, #Religious, #Female friendship, #Mothers, #Suburban Life, #Urban Life, #Christian Fiction, #Housewives, #Electronic discussion groups, #Electronic mail messages
From: | Thomas Huckleberry |
To: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
Subject: | Re: EMERGENCY! |
Good grief, Dulcie! I thought something horrible had happened. Don’t ever scare me like that again.
What do you mean? We aren’t going to “do” anything. So Mom’s getting married again. What’s the big deal? They’re both mature adults, and Morris seems like a good guy. I’m happy for her. We’re going to be supportive and congratulate them.
Tom
From: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
To: | Thomas Huckleberry |
Subject: | Mom getting married |
You’re a guy, Tom.
From: | Thomas Huckleberry |
To: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
Subject: | Re: Mom getting married |
Thanks for clearing that up for me.
From: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
To: | Thomas Huckleberry |
Subject: | Re: Mom getting married |
No! I mean, you don’t understand! Your mom can’t just run off with some guy. She hasn’t dated anyone in YEARS! She’s just infatuated with the first man who showed any interest in her since her divorce. Becky’s worried, too. After all, how much do we really know about Morris? He “seems” nice, but do we know for sure? She could be getting herself into a horrible mess. And such a rush! May, for goodness sake! She didn’t even ask us if that was a good time for us or anything. I’m afraid he’s manipulating her.
Dulcie
From: | Thomas Huckleberry |
To: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
Subject: | Re: Mom getting married |
If the difference between being a guy or being a girl is the ability to look at this situation in a rational, reasonable manner, I am very glad to be a guy. Let it go, Dulcie. I’m sure everything will be just fine. And if not, Mom’s a big girl. She can take care of herself.
I’m going to be in meetings most of the afternoon. Don’t rupture a hernia, okay?
Love,
Tom
From: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
To: | J. Huckleberry |
Subject: | Just a few thoughts |
Dear Mom,
Becky and I talked it over and we thought of some things you really should find out about Morris before you commit to marrying him. So we came up with a list:
1) Previous relationships. How many ex-wives? Late wives? Sometimes serial killers disguise themselves as lonely old widowers. We don’t want you to end up in sandwich baggies in his freezer.
2) History of mental illness? It usually skips a generation or two, so you’d better go back at least three or
four. And check out all the relatives, too. Any creepy habits, like keeping fifty cats in the house or collecting antique butcher knives should be taken into consideration. You never know when something like that might crop up.
3) Financial stability. It would probably be best to hire an investigator to look into his credit. For that matter, make sure he isn’t an identity thief! You might wake up some morning to the feds surrounding your house with machine guns and helicopters and your new hubby vanished to Istanbul!
4) Religious beliefs. Sure, he
claims
to be a Christian. Better make sure he doesn’t belong to one of those cults that think Jesus is going to come back on a rocket ship and take them all to a utopian colony on Mars.
5) Career aspirations. He works at the Shoji Tabuchi theater, right? As a sound guy? Are you SURE he doesn’t secretly wish to be in the show, and you won’t arrive for work one evening to find him strutting around on stage with twelve trained poodles in squaredance skirts, singing “Achy Breaky Heart” as a duet with some 8-year-old prodigy dressed up like Dolly Parton?
Please think about this carefully. We just want you to be happy, but we want you to be safe, too. Morris seems like a nice guy, but don’t you think you’re rushing into marrying him?
Love,
Dulcie
From: | J. Huckleberry |
To: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
Subject: | Get a Life, Sweeties |
…And stop interfering with mine. I mean that in love, but really—the two of you are being absolutely ridiculous! Morris is a kind, generous man who loves me and I love him.
Becky, when you wanted to marry Jordan, did I express any hesitation or concern over the fact that he is four years younger than you and still lived with his mother? For that matter, did I even bring up the matter of him calling her “Mommy”? No! I could have. Most mothers would have. But I kept my mouth shut. And look how wonderfully it all turned out. Now he lives with you and calls you “mommy.”
And as for you, Dulcie…when Tom told me that he was dating an interior decorator, for one horrifying moment, I thought he was trying to tell me he was gay. And then, when you got engaged, I had all these visions of some snooty, artsy hotshot who was going to waltz into my house and declare, “I see…heliotrope, with chartreuse highlights. Let’s redecorate!” and I’d come home one day to find all my walls painted the color of grape jelly and my nice, cozy furniture replaced with steel chairs shaped like giant bent spoons spattered-painted in primary colors by first graders. I’ve never been able to watch
Trading Spaces
without having nightmares! But did I utter a single word? No! I welcomed you into my
home and into my heart without a trace of fear. And I’m so glad I did, because you are a sweet girl who has beautiful taste and treats my son well.
My point is this, dear daughters—BACK OFF.
Love,
Mom Jeanine
From: | Jordan and Becky |
To: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
Subject: | Well! |
What do you think about Mom’s letter? Here we went to all the trouble of communicating our concern, and she makes fun of us! (Just for the record, Jordan only calls me “mommy” to help the kids learn it. He promised to stop when they get older.)
Becky
From: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
To: | Jordan and Becky |
Subject: | Re: Well! |
All I have to say is that if he puts a deep freeze on their registry, I’m calling the police!
Dulcie
From: | Morris Hash |
To: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
Subject: | Your list of questions |
Dear Dulcie and Becky,
It’s natural for you to have questions about your mother and me getting engaged. I suppose we should have prepared you better for this possibility, but we were hesitant to discuss it even between ourselves until we were really sure. Questions, then, are natural. Your questions, however, were…unnatural. What sort of movies are you girls watching these days?
I’m a reasonable man, so I am going to answer your questions, despite their insulting nature. I hope you find my answers enlightening.
1) Previous relationships: I’m 58 years old, have been married nine times, and have never divorced. All of my wives are quite alive and healthy, thank you, and living in different states. I’m trying to collect three more so I can visit one per month for the whole year, thus my interest in your mother, who will make number 10. I have 76 children total, and so far 118 grandchildren. I promise not to discriminate between you and my biological children, though I must draw the line at birthday presents. Money is tight, you know.
2) History of mental illness: All my ancestors and relatives have been perfectly sane, I assure you. The rumors of my mother having six personalities and my father believing he was Napoleon are greatly exaggerated. And
my grandmother really didn’t bury my grandfather in her backyard—that was their pet goat, Norbert, who would have inherited their entire estate if it hadn’t been for Ruby Jenson, a beautiful girl who lived next door. Norbert was dreadfully in love with her, but Ruby refused to have anything to do with a goat, and he died of a broken heart. My grandparents never forgave her. But then they adopted my father from an orphanage. He was a great comfort to them, especially because he particularly enjoyed eating rubber tires—Norbert’s favorite dessert.
3) Finances: I am very comfortably situated. I have over three million dollars in stocks and bonds, as well as four vacation properties. No, wait—that was Dennis Henderson. Then I stole Frank Gages—that was fun. He owned a casino in Las Vegas. You should have seen the penthouse in
that
hotel…After Frank was Le-Mar Johnston, but that didn’t last long since I wasn’t so good at impersonating a black man. Then Trey Holmes, or was that Jim Goldsen? Anyway, one of them…and
then
Morris. That’s right. I forget what assets Morris has (or did have, LOL!). Have to get back to you on that one.
4) Religion: I’m an upstanding Christian! Though I am thinking about joining a rural commune led by this great guy who says God told him to stock up on kids’ fruit punch and arsenic because of the coming global nuclear war…
5) Career Aspirations: I don’t plan to ever perform on stage. My skills are more in management. I plan to open up Branson-style theaters all across the Middle East. Don’t the possibilities just take your breath away?
Well, I hope that helps you feel a bit more comfortable about me marrying your mother. Don’t worry, girls. I’m planning to take good care of Jeanine.
Your loving father-to-be,
Morris Hash
From: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
To: | Jordan and Becky |
Subject: | Re: Your list of questions |
Dear Becky,
You know, I’ve never really liked sarcasm. Such a nasty form of humor, don’t you think? And to think, we’re going to have to put up with him for a
long
time. Sarcastic people never seem to die young.
Dulcie
From: | J. Huckleberry |
To: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
Subject: | The Wedding |
Darling,
I know you’re still a little apprehensive about Morris, but I really can’t wait around for you to warm to him. There’s so much to do, and we only have until May. So, be a sweetheart, and at least pretend like you’re supportive, okay?
By the way, I was wondering if you would let McKenzie be our flower girl. I know she’ll only just have turned four,
but she’s SO mature for her age. And I found the sweetest, ruffliest dress for her to wear. I’m thinking rosebuds in her hair, little elbow-length gloves, sparkly pink shoes. We’ll make her look like a princess! Would that be okay? Just let me know…
Love,
Jeanine
From: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
To: | “Green Eggs and Ham” |
Subject: | FLOWER GIRL!!!! |
Hey, everybody! My mother-in-law is getting remarried and she just asked if McKenzie could be the FLOWER GIRL!! How cool is that? I always wanted to be a flower girl. And Mom says she’ll dress McKenzie up as beautiful as a fairy princess. My little girl—in a wedding! Oh, I’m so excited! We’re going to have to take lots of pictures and get the video. I wonder if I can talk Tom into agreeing to get her ears pierced. Wouldn’t little, itty-bitty rhinestone earrings just be TOO SWEET? I can’t wait!
The MOTHER of the Flower Girl,
Dulcie
From: | Dulcie Huckleberry |
To: | J. Huckleberry |
Subject: | Re: The Wedding |
Dear Mom,
Of
course
McKenzie can be your flower girl. You’re right—she is SO mature for her age. Oh, she’ll be thrilled! Thank you for asking her.
And, you know what, after thinking about it, I really think this whole wedding thing is a great idea. You’ve been lonely all these years, and Morris did seem very nice when we met him over Thanksgiving. I’m sure you’ll both be very happy.
