SAHM I am (26 page)

We have our home visit coming up in two weeks—it’s the last step before our social worker writes the home-study report. I can’t believe it! It feels like we’re moving along so quickly, until I look at how far we have to go. But it’s an incredible adventure. I’m going to pray for your family, Bren
na, that you will adopt a “whole bunch of kids.” I haven’t even completed one adoption yet, and I think I’m already hooked.

Z

Yes! Yes! Yes! Madeline got it! She understands! What a smart little cookie. I wish everyone was as astute as her. Everyone in God’s family got there by adoption. Why can’t more people understand this? Wow, it’s just amazing she figured that out all by herself. I think the Lord must be speaking to your little girl, Bren.

Keep me up-to-date on what happens, okay?

Dulcie

It’s been an awful week, and it’s only Wednesday. Just when we thought Tyler was really improving, he got worse again. He’s so stiff and sore in the morning that he doesn’t even want to get out of bed. And he won’t hardly eat anything! The doctors say it’s a “flare.” We were hoping for a remission, but I guess maybe it’s too soon to expect anything like that. So they prescribed him stronger medication to control
the pain, and the physical therapist is going to give him some more exercises to do.

I
hate
the exercises! Especially when Tyler’s not doing so well. He cries and cries because it hurts. So I cry, right along with him. It makes me so angry sometimes—how could God let something like this happen to a little kid? We keep having him prayed for at church. I know in my head that God does love Tyler, and us, but my heart is having a hard time believing it. I don’t want to get bitter!

It seems like our whole life is starting to revolve around Tyler’s arthritis. Medication schedule, exercises, waiting on him when he’s too tired or in too much pain to move off the couch, encouraging him to not get depressed. Nine-year-olds should not be dealing with depression!

I’m tired. And discouraged. I feel like I’m ignoring the other kids, and Shane and I haven’t spent much time together, either. My entire life feels out of control, and I don’t know how to regain control. None of us are really in a mood to celebrate Easter this week. I thought part of the purpose of Christ’s death was to “heal our diseases.” So why not Tyler’s? I’m going to squeeze in a nap.

Jocelyn

P.S. Just so you know, I decided to go “no-mail” on SAHM I Am for a while. I just can’t keep up, and I can’t handle Rosalyn’s attitude right now. I know I’ll get mad and take it out on the loop. But I want you all to stay in touch, please!

Oh, Jocelyn! I wish there was something I could do to help you. I will pray, though. You sound as discouraged as I was when I was pregnant with the twins and puking every day. I felt so guilty for ignoring poor McKenzie, and I was mad at God for making pregnancy so horrible. And some days, I was even mad at the twins for being so much trouble. Plus, you have the additional pain of seeing your son hurting. My heart aches for you! Please know you can always vent on me, and I’ll still love you—just like Jesus does. He really does. I don’t understand why He lets things like this happen, but I do know He cries when we cry. Just like you did with Tyler—’cause you’re a loving parent.

Love,

Dulcie

It’s 11:45 p.m. on Thursday. I’ve been crying for about three hours now, and I’m exhausted. I’d like to go to bed, but there’s too much to do. We have to pack up and get ready to move out on Monday. They (the oh-so-Godly “elders”) have
fired
my husband and demanded we vacate the parsonage by mid
night Monday. They came over unannounced this evening to deliver the news.

On what charge? “Willful deception.” About Julia. Which is ridiculous because we never deceived anybody! The issue of Julia’s birth came up in our talk with the departing pastor during Jonathan’s interview. We explained it, and the pastor was okay with it and told us he would let the elders know. They claim he never mentioned it to them, so I have no idea what really happened. All I know is that we’re being dismissed and they are using this as the excuse. Apparently, they figured it out when the secretary went to compile our anniversary and birthday dates to send us cards.

I knew it! I just knew somebody, sometime was going to condemn us for what we did.

They have the nerve to stand in our living room and give us the news, right in front of Julia! Then, they tell Jonathan he is still expected to preach on Good Friday and Easter Sunday, where he will then announce his resignation. I was so proud of Jonathan. He stood nose to nose with them and said, “After you barge into our home and humiliate us, you expect me to still do the Easter services? I don’t think so, gentlemen.” And he showed them the door and locked it behind them.

But I can tell he is just crushed. He’s such a good pastor, and he’s been so conscientious. All that, and he gets fired for this! I’m so angry, I’d like to physically hurt them. I never knew I had such a violent streak. I know I’ll have to repent for that, but I can’t honestly say I feel repentant at the moment. I’m just so mad! And hurt. This is the type of thing that made me worried about being a pastor’s wife to begin with.

We don’t know what we’re going to do. I’m not welcome at Jonathan’s parents’ house, and my mom and dad don’t have
the space for our whole family and our stuff. My brother lives in a tiny apartment in New Jersey, with his girlfriend. Jonathan’s two sisters are missionaries in Pakistan. Monday, we’re going to be homeless and unemployed. I should be scared, but I’m too overwhelmed to feel even one more emotion.

Back to packing,

Phyllis

Phyllis,

I can’t believe they did that to you! That’s horrible. I’m so, so sorry. You can come stay with us, if you want. We don’t have a huge house or anything, but we have a guest room and a mostly finished basement. And you could put your things in the basement and the garage—we don’t keep too much in the garage. I bet McKenzie and Julia would have a lot of fun playing together. Please don’t feel hopeless. I know God hasn’t abandoned you.

Love,

Dulcie

Boy, that’s about enough to make me embarrassed to be labeled a Christian! No wonder non-Christians aren’t exactly flocking to our churches. Makes me sick!

Listen, honey, you just come on over to Baltimore. We have an apartment over our garage that we’re just using for storage. It’s supposed to be an art studio for me—like I ever have time for that! Anyway, it’s just one bedroom, and a living-kitchen area, but I could look around and find a daybed/trundle thing for the kids to sleep on. Don’t worry about a thing, okay?

Love,

Z

Ooh, that makes me so mad for you, Phyllis! Shame on them! I can’t imagine how frightening that would be. Why don’t you come to Colorado for a nice visit in the mountains? You can have Shane’s and my master suite—we’ll bunk in the basement or move Audra into Cassia and Evelyn’s room and take that one. The suite is almost like a mini apartment—bathroom, bedroom, sitting room (with fireplace, I might add), private deck. The only thing would be the kitchen, but you could just eat with us if you want.

You are going to need time to relax and get back on your feet after this blow. I can’t think of a prettier place to do it than Colorado Springs. What do you say?

Love,

Jocelyn

Oh, that’s low and mean! But somehow it doesn’t surprise me, after how some “Christians” treated me after I had Madeline. I’m angry right along with you!

Hey, here’s an idea—why don’t you come out to the farm for a while? I can guarantee you will be
miles
away from the nearest church (from the nearest anything, for that matter!) :) Plus, Darren’s folks have an extra house tucked over in one corner of the homestead. It’s tiny—a little cottage built back in 1882, the first frame house on the farm. But a while back, Darren’s parents got the idea of using it as a hunting-fishing cabin and making a bit of money off it. So it’s all fixed up real nice, has three bedrooms (counting the attic), bathroom, living room, kitchen, and pantry/washroom. I already phoned Mom Lindberg and she was more than happy to let your family stay there for free, as long as you need to. She says to tell you she’s very sorry to hear about what happened. Grandpa Holmes (her dad) was a Baptist preacher, so she knows all about growing up in a ministry family.

I am praying that Jesus sends you at least a little encouragement today.

Many hugs!

Brenna

Jocelyn,

Brenna and I just wanted you to know that we have organized a prayer vigil for Tyler today (Good Friday). Starting at noon for the next twenty-four hours, members of SAHM I Am are going to be taking turns praying for your son. We love you! (And just so you know, this was actually Rosalyn and Connie’s idea. I sent in a prayer request for you to the list, and they suggested putting this together.)

Love,

Z

…by your love. I hardly know what to say. I didn’t read your e-mails until this morning (Saturday). Friday, I spent the whole day packing and grieving. And just as I felt myself slipping back into my old hatred of organized religion, just as the bitterness started creeping through my heart, the Lord used you, my dear friends, to show me what His Body is really like. And it’s so incredibly beautiful. We are absolutely amazed—did you realize, did you plan it out that each one of you offered your home to us? Or was that just a Holy Spirit “coincidence”? :) “Thank you” seems ridiculously in
adequate for the gratitude Jonathan and I both feel toward you sweet, sweet women. Your kindness lifted our hearts and made the pain lessen. We love you all so very much.

After talking it over, we both felt that we should accept Brenna and Darren’s offer of staying at their farm. Since they have an extra house, it seemed to make the most sense and be the least disruptive to any of your families. But I wish we were able to take each of you up on your generous hospitality. It completely blew us away. We’ll never, ever forget it. You are so precious! I’m almost glad, now, that God let this happen to us, so we could experience this awesome outpouring of love. We’ve learned that in God’s family, we’re never homeless. In fact, we don’t have just one home—we have four!

Many, many blessings to each of you,

Phyllis

Aw, man! I can’t believe the Okie farm won out against Baltimore! :) I’ll have to talk to Tristan about putting a cottage in the corner of our backyard. Of course, it would have to be a playhouse-size cottage. You lucky thing, Brenna! You and Phyllis will be the first ones out of all of us to meet in person!

Actually, I’m just so thrilled that you have a place to go now, Phyllis. We didn’t plan it out that way, so it must be God. Love and hugs!

Z

Hah! Don’t you know country girls always win? Even transplanted city-to-country ones! But I’m just so glad we were able to help. Phyllis, send me your phone number so I can call you and work out all the arrangements. I’m not giving you my number, because I don’t want you paying for the long-distance call.

On another topic…well, sort of related, now. When I told Darren just a while ago that Phyllis and family had accepted our offer, he was really excited. He said it had been a long time since he’d done something that felt so good. So we were talking about hospitality and Christian love. He told me he really misses having a regular church home. We go to church, but it’s so far away, we don’t really feel at home there. And since we aren’t very active, we don’t really know anybody in the church. He says he sometimes feels jealous that I have so many Internet friends, and he hardly has any friends at all. He was also really impressed that all of us offered our homes to Phyllis.

Then he started telling me how he always feels closed up inside, like he can’t let anyone past a certain point. Except me, of course. He got really down on himself for being so reserved and standoffish. He was blaming himself for not having any friends. And then he brought up our conversation about his infertility.

“You know,” he said, “I didn’t realize I was such a proud person. Here I am, refusing to consider opening our home to a child, and you and your friends are willing to share your homes with an entire family!”

He hung his head, almost looking more pitiful than I could bear. Then he smiled up at me. “Why don’t you tell me what you’ve found out about adoption, okay?”

“What do mean, ‘what I’ve found out’?”

“Oh, come on, Brenna. I might be a dumb farmer, but I can figure out that you’ve been doing a whole lot of researching on the Internet. That’s just how you are when you want something. So tell me whatcha got.”

Isn’t that amazing? And, Phyllis, it happened because of you! It happened because of all of you! If we adopt, we’re going to have to name him or her “Phyllis Dulcie Zelia Jocelyn Lindberg” after you all. He’s out doing chores right now, but tonight, after supper, we’re going to have a looong talk. God is just too good!

Brenna

Ladies,

I’ve been trying to write this e-mail all morning. But it’s really difficult to write when there are tears in your eyes. Thank you for praying on Friday. Thank you for the notes you sent. Thank you for the priceless gift you’ve given my son. Thank you for loving us so much. I don’t deserve any of this. Especially when I let my son’s pain rock my faith the way it did this week. God’s mercy is so great.

Tyler was in terrible pain yesterday. Couldn’t even get out of bed. And I am ashamed to admit it, but I nearly gave up. I knew you all had been praying on Friday, and then for
him to be a little
worse
on Saturday made me furious at God. It was Tyler himself, though, that brought me to my knees. He said, “Mom, you shouldn’t be blaming God. Can you imagine how bad it would be without Him? Besides, He told me something this morning. He said that someday, He wants me to be a doctor and help other kids that are hurting. And so this way, I can understand what they’re going through better, and I’ll be a better doctor. So now, it all makes sense.”

I just sat there with my mouth open. I never knew such wisdom could come from a child! He watched me, like he was worried I’d be mad at him or something. I gave him the best hug I could without hurting him, and then I started crying.

“Don’t cry, Mom,” he said. “I guess next time something bad happens, we won’t have to get mad at God or ask Him why. He has it all figured out.”

Oh, that pierced my heart. I spent the next several hours in my room, doing some major repenting and praying to God. But after that, I felt so much peace.

And this morning, when Tyler woke up, he wasn’t stiff at all! He got right out of bed and was getting dressed on his own when I peeked in on him. He even scolded me for catching him in his undies! We went to church, and he ran around the parking lot with the other boys like it was nothing! I about fainted. Shane and I haven’t been able to talk or think about anything else all day long. I don’t know if the “flare” is over, if the arthritis is in remission, or if Tyler is completely healed—only time will tell. But for now, he seems just fine.

And now my tears have started up again, so I’m going to have to go cry some more. But they are wonderful tears of joy and gratitude. To God, first of all, and then to all of you.
You really were “Jesus with skin on” to us this weekend. And He used each of you to touch our family in a profound way.

I love you! Happy Resurrection Day, indeed!

Jocelyn

Howdy Sis!

I think Mama will be calling you later today, but I wanted to give you a heads-up. She and Daddy are fixing to come down to Houston for Frank’s photography show at the end of the month instead of going to Hibiscus for your birthday. It’s Frank’s first exhibit, and it’s really important to him, so they decided it was a higher priority this year. I hope y’all understand. You can always have a birthday again next year, but a first show only happens once. I just wanted you to know so you don’t get your plans all cattywhompus when Mama calls. We’ll make it up to you later, okay? There ya go.

Love,

Veronica

Women of integrity,

Don’t you just love the arrival of spring? I know in only a few weeks, Hibiscus is going to live up to its flowery name and be awash with color and fragrance. But with the arrival of spring comes a busy whirl of activity. So before the roller coaster begins its descent, let’s take a moment and discuss our PRIORITIES.

As SAHMs, it’s tempting for many of you to become distracted by all the things that we fill our lives with. MOPS, Bible study, play groups, lunch dates, church events—all these compete for our time and attention. And then there are the time-wasters: watching TV, surfing the Internet, reading novels, shopping and so on, that cut even further into our already short days.

We must always remind ourselves what is most important. I do this by making a list and posting it by my bed so that it’s one of the first things I see in the morning. It helps me focus on what I SHOULD be doing each day, and not get distracted by anything else. My priorities are, in order of importance: God, Chad, the children, household management, church, and lastly, friends. Not that you all aren’t important to me—you’re on the list, after all! But I have to keep you in the proper place in my life, not allowing you to become more important than the other items. If I had to choose between you and the rest of my list, any other thing would win first. That’s just the way it has to be.

You, too, can be this disciplined if you work at it. The first step is to make your list of priorities. Next, order it according to CURRENT importance in your life. Put the least important item (like all of you) at the bottom. God SHOULD be at the top, but don’t just put Him there because it’s the right thing to do. At this stage, you order your list according to what is actually true in your life right now. I doubt many
of you will have God at the top of your list, because if you did, you wouldn’t be spending so much time e-mailing one another! :)

Then you can create a second list with the order your priorities SHOULD be in. This is the time to put God at the top, and Friends at the bottom (or somewhere down there). You’ll likely have things from the first list that won’t even make it to the second list—you don’t REALLY have time in your life to make EVERYTHING a priority.

Notice on my list what was NOT there: Myself! That’s right—in the spirit of humility and unselfishness, I do not make myself a priority. That means that I care very little about my own hobbies, accomplishments, dreams or desires. My life is poured out in completely selfless service to others. And that’s what all of YOU should aspire to, as well! It’s the most satisfying, fulfilling sensation in the entire world—to be NOTHING.

Totally yours,

Rosalyn

Good old Rosalyn—she always knows how to make us feel great about ourselves.

Brenna (whose current priority for the day is mopping the floor! It’s been raining, and I really am starting to think the mud is alive and sneaking into my kitchen and oozing itself all over my clean floor in shapes that look incredibly like my husband’s boot-prints! Grrrr…)

Hello girls!

I just ran over to Brenna’s house to check my e-mail (no Internet access at the cottage) and I can attest to the creeping mud issue in her kitchen—except I’m afraid that now the mud is forming itself into shapes that look like
my
shoes, too! The nerve…

I am really enjoying Oklahoma and farm life. So is Jonathan. I hadn’t realized how near to burnout he was in Wisconsin until we got here and started settling in. He is still sleeping 12 to 14 hours a day. At first, I was worried he was depressed. But now, it appears it’s just his way of recovering from what happened. He isn’t talking to me much about how he’s feeling, but I’m hoping we’ll have some time to check out Brenna’s camping pasture. She and Darren offered to babysit the children some night after it dries out a bit.