Samson and Sunset (39 page)

  I arrived a little after nine and so
did Susie, so we did our hugging and crying in the parking lot.
Then we went in and got a table. I was sitting with my back to the
door. It was a nice lounge, with cute small round cocktail tables.
A DJ was playing Sixties and Seventies music and there was a dance
floor. It didn’t take long for Susie and me to catch up... We
talked each other’s legs off. I was thrilled to hear she was moving
back to Hudson. Now I’d have a friend.

  “Kathrine,” she said at one point,
“isn’t that Nick and Ron at the bar? Do you remember them from high
school? I thought Ron was so cool.”

  “I think so,” I said.

  Just then they spotted us and came
over to our table. The four of us giggled and laughed for about
half an hour. Ron asked Susie to dance and she accepted. Nick asked
me to dance, but I declined, saying, “Nick, I’m just too new at
this. Let’s sit it out, please.”

  “I’ve never seen you anywhere without
Shay,” said Nick, “have you two split up?”

“We’re separated at this time but I do plan
on filing for a divorce,” I told him. “But Nick, I don’t want to
talk about Shay, it brings up issues I’ve not yet resolved.”

  “You still love him is what you’re
saying.”

  “I’ve never stopped loving Shay and I
know I never will. But sometimes people are not right for each
other.”

  Nick was looking over my shoulder.
“Kathrine, I hate to tell you this, but Shay just walked in with
some girl and they’re a few tables behind us. I don’t think he’s
seen you yet.”

  “Oh great, I need to leave. I’m going
to slip out. Will you tell Susie to call me tomorrow and tell her
why I left?”

  I began to gather up my cape and
purse.

  “He spotted you,” Nick said in a low
voice. “He’s standing up. He just picked his drink up—looks like a
White Russian…”

  Just what I need, I thought; Shay in a
lounge with hard liquor, and me at a table with Nick.

  “I have to go,” I said, getting a
little frightened.

  “Kathrine, here he comes.”

  I began shaking on the inside. I had
no idea what Shay would do. I remembered our one horrible New
Year’s Eve at the club and the parking lot encounter.

  “Well, well, what have we here!”
Shay’s voice was hard and flinty. “My wife out with another man;
isn’t that just hunky-dory. I’ll give you this, princess, you
always look like you just stepped off the cover of a high fashion
magazine.”

  He was swaying a little as he spoke.
“And you,” he pointed his drink at Nick. “After fucking my wife,
you won’t want to fuck another woman. As you now know, she’s the
best.”

  Shay stood there a few seconds looking
at me, those big beautiful brown eyes sort of watery. I looked at
him uncertainly and then he reached over the table and poured his
drink right over the top of my head.

  Liquor ran down my hair, down my face,
Kahlua and cream on my new outfit from Maggie. I grabbed my cape
and purse and ran out crying. I ran to my car and drove to Mom’s
through sobs. When I got home I showered and went to bed, crying
like a baby.

  About 2 a.m. Shay called and Mom
answered.

  “Shay—no…you can not…you can not speak
to her, no. Go home. Just…sober up… Sober up and grow up!”

  She hung up and he called back but she
let the phone ring. It rang and rang, an awful sound.

  After that I just stayed home. Nights
were so long and lonely, I thought I’d just die. I spent my nights
in bed crying and talking to God. My fear of dying had lifted.
Dying meant I’d be with Daddy and Marie.

  One day I told God to tell Daddy I was
coming to be with him. I went to the boat store and bought an
anchor and some rope. My plan was to drive to Pistol Lake, because
out there I pretty much knew where it dropped off to deep water.
I’d walk in and throw the anchor right where the water got deep,
and the weight of the iron would pull me down. I would slip away to
be with God, Daddy, Cookie and Marie.

  That night I sat in my car for over an
hour, crying and thinking of Kelly and Wes. How could I leave them?
I didn’t want to. At a certain point, I felt compelled to go home.
I thought of how I needed to be strong for the kids. Self-murder
was still murder. I started my car and drove home in tears.

  Once back, I asked Mom to come out to
the trunk of my car. I showed her the anchor and what I’d almost
done. Mom started sobbing and told me something had hit her about
an hour ago in the kitchen; she knew I was in trouble. She said she
dropped to her knees and prayed for me to be safe. I truly think
God answered Mom’s prayer, because something seemed to pull me
back.

  I gave the anchor to Mom and promised
I’d never think that way again.

  The Dance

  What a sad life I was living. Crying
all night, forcing myself to get up in the morning, trying to
function during the day through tears, then crying all night again.
Mom would hold me and ask what she could do. She told me she knew I
loved Shay and that maybe I should reconsider living my life
without him.

  “Mom, if Shay loved me how could he do
what he did? He couldn’t look me in the eyes and tell me he’d never
step out on me again, what does that tell you?” I cried. “If he
had, everything would be different. But he couldn’t, and I can’t
understand it. If he loves me so damn much, why can’t he just be
with me and only me?”

  Mom didn’t have an answer.

  ***

Several weeks passed and Susie got moved home
to Hudson with her daughter. I wasn’t glad that she had gotten a
divorce, but I was glad to have a friend and confidante. And I was
glad she had a car! I knew if I told Susie something, it ended
there.

  We went to lunch several times and she
came over to Mom’s often. My heart was still in massive pain, but
at least my best friend was in town.

  One night we decided to try our luck
again at The Blue Gill Lounge. What were the chances I’d run into
Shay a second time? I wore a red spaghetti-strap dress with sequins
on the top. The skirt was about four inches above my knees and had
a little flare. I accessorized with red heels and long red
earrings. The Blue Gill was a place you could dress up if you chose
to, or you could just wear blue jeans. Susie and I dressed up. I
had a great tan, as I was still a sun-worshipper, and my hair was
still platinum-white.

  “Gee, Kathrine, you look sensational,”
Susie said.

  “You look pretty sharp yourself!”

  She had a light sweater with her and I
wore my red shawl and took my little silver bag. We were hoping for
a fun, quiet night. We weren’t guy shopping. We just wanted to feel
human again.

  ***

The Blue Gill was packed, so we sat at the
bar. Susie had a few glasses of wine and I had a diet Pepsi. A
friend of ours from school asked me to dance and I said, “Thank
you, but I’m not dancing tonight.”

  Then he asked Susie and she said,
“Heck, why not!”

  So off to the dance floor they went. I
was having a nice little talk with the bartender when I felt a
gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned around and it was Shay. My
stomach dropped.

  “Callie, I’ve only had two beers
tonight, and I came over here to apologize to you for what I did
the last time I saw you here. I had been drinking hard liquor. I’m
so sorry I dumped that drink on you.” There was true remorse in his
voice.

  “Shay,” I said, “you’re going to have
to stop using that as an excuse, it’s getting real old.” I paused a
second. “Guess you don’t keep your promises, do you Shay,” I
remarked.

  “I quit hard liquor for you, Callie,
and you’re gone.”

  “I do accept your apology, so you can
just stop worrying about it.”

  “Callie, you look absolutely ravishing
tonight. I always loved that red dress on you. It’s one of my
favorites.” He stood there looking at me. I looked down.

  “Callie, would you like to dance just
one dance?”

  “Shay, what would one dance do?”

  “Well, maybe we could dance one dance
just for the sake of our children, how about that?” he said.

  “You leave the children out of this,
Shay. If we dance it will be because we are trying to act civil
toward each other,” I said. “Anyway, we can’t. There’s a girl
sitting at a table right over there glaring at us, and I know she’s
waiting for you. If you don’t get back there, she’s going to go
ballistic.”

  “She’s not my date. Every time I go
out, girls grab on like leeches and then I’m stuck with them.”

  “That statement coming out of anyone’s
mouth but yours would sound narcissistic, but, Shay, I do know how
they leech onto you. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. But you know,
sweetie, there is a real small word you need to learn. It’s got
just two letters. Real simple. N-o. You should try it sometime,
just to mix things up.”

  “I never said no to you, Callie.”

  “That’s a little different, don’t ya
think? I’m your wife and the mother of your children!”

  “One dance, Callie,” Shay insisted.
“Please, just one dance.”

  “One dance, just one dance.” I walked
to the dance floor and Shay followed me.

  I could see everyone watching us.
Everyone knew us, or at least they knew Shay. Maybe they were
waiting to see if I’d get another drink spilled over my head. When
we got to the middle of the dance floor, Shay immediately put his
arm around my back and cradled my neck. It was the Shay-hold,
leaving me with nowhere to put my arms but around his neck. I
nearly fell apart being in Shay’s arms.

  I was so glad when the music stopped,
but Shay said, “No, wait! That was just the end of the song. We
need to dance to the first song of the next set, princess.”

  So we continued on with the next
dance. I knew Shay was as swept away in my arms as I was in his,
because after a while we noticed the DJ walk across the dance
floor, headed back to his DJ booth. We had been dancing with no
music. That was the thing; our bodies, together, made their own
music. They fit together as if they had been made in one mold.

  Shay kept whispering in my ear, “I
love you, Callie. I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too, Shay. I’ll always
love you. That’s one thing I’ve never doubted,” I told him
softly.

  At some point I looked up at Shay’s
face and he was able to see the tears rolling down my cheeks. I was
amazed that he didn’t wipe them away like he usually did. But
shortly after, I saw him wipe his own eyes with his hand.

  We were so caught up in each other, we
were startled when the overhead lights came on and the dance was
over. We had gone to the dance floor at ten ‘til ten, I know
because I looked at the clock, and now it was one in the morning.
We had been on the dance floor for three hours.

  “We were only going to dance one
dance,” I said.

  “We did only dance one dance,
princess. It just lasted three hours,” Shay smiled.

  “Well, it seems our dance,” I glanced
at him—this phrase had a special meaning for us, we always called
making love The Dance—“lasted longer than our marriage.”

  I was a bit embarrassed about that
three-hour-long dance, and some of it without music no less. When I
got back to the bar, Susie said her friend had asked her to go to
the Village Inn for breakfast but they’d take me home first if I
liked. Hearing that, Shay jumped right in.

  “I can give you a ride to your Mom’s,
Callie.”

  “Are you sure your little friend won’t
mind?” I asked. “I see she’s still there glaring at you.”

  “She’s not my date, Callie. I never
ask girls out.” When we got to the Impala, Shay opened the door for
me as usual. “Do you want to go get something to eat, Callie?”

  “No, Shay, I don’t think that would be
a good idea.” I wanted to go. I had that little stubborn streak
that still felt so stepped on, and I wasn’t going to relent.

  Was I turned on? Hell, I was so damned
turned on, my body was pulsating, but there was no way I was going
to let him know that. I was trying hard to stay composed.

  When we got to Mom’s, I said, “I have
to go in now.”

  “You just want to get away from me,
Callie. I know you don’t have to go in yet, who are you kidding?”
Shay got out, went around the car and opened the door for me.

  When I got out, he put his hands on my
shoulders. I knew he was going to kiss me, so I wiggled loose.

  “Good night, Shay,” I said. “Drive
safely.”

Then I started my dreaded walk toward Mom’s
house alone. Mom had a long walkway, somewhere around thirty feet
from the road; the house sat back on the lot. In my head, Dolly
Parton was singing “I Will Always Love You.”

  If I should stay

  Well, I would only be in your way

  And so I'll go, and yet I know

  That I'll think of you each step of my
way

  And I will always love you

  I will always love you

  Every step I took, I heard that song.
I was walking very slowly toward the house when I heard the car
door shut. I stopped for a second; then I heard the car start up
and the cackling of the glass packs. I choked back a sob. It was
all I could do to walk those thirty feet. Then I heard the car shut
off and the car door slam. Before I could even turn around, Shay
swept me up in his arms and carried me to the Impala. He put me
down just long enough to open the door on his side of the car; then
he lifted me, put me in and slid in next to me. Without a word he
started the car and we were off.

  Shay could tell I was crying and he
put his arm around me. The only time he took his arm off me was to
shift gears. Eventually he just kept his right hand wrapped around
my knees. I saw him wipe a tear or two from his eyes. He was always
so macho, always trying to hide his vulnerability. We were headed
in the direction of Westover.