Sanctuary of Mine (20 page)

In my sternest voice possible, I issue her an order.

‘I’m going downstairs. I’m going to put the kettle on and make coffee for all of us. I’m going to make you a sandwich, which you’re damn well going to eat. Then we’re going to talk about anything you want to talk about, but whether you like it or not, we
are
going to talk. We’re going to talk until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere. Levi is going to help you get cleaned up and you’re not going to give him a hard time about it. I know you’re hurting, Mack, but we are too. Your pain is our pain.’

I kiss the tip of her perfect little nose before rising to leave. Levi’s eyes lock with mine, respect silently offered as I make my way out.

‘Tyler!’ I swivel around, Mackenzie’s desperate plea grounding me to the spot.

‘Yeah?’

‘I do love you, you know.’ Tears trickle down her cheeks, falling into the bath water as though they are the most inconsequential thing in the world. They aren’t
, though. They’re everything. It means she isn’t far enough gone not to feel anything.

‘I know you do, baby, I know you do.’

Mackenzie

Learning to love, learning to let go. Sometimes they are life’s most valuable lessons. Sometimes, we can’t even begin to move forward until we go through the motions of anger, denial and acceptance. Tyler is a constant source of amazement to me. His passion, his drive and his insistence that things will always get better are what bring me back from the brink of depression when I’m feeling at my lowest. There is no way to express my gratitude towards him, so I try by showing him each and every day how much I love and appreciate him.

A promise is a promise, simple as that. I may have lapsed momentarily into old habits, but underneath my sadness is a girl who no longer wants to depend on vices to get her through the tough times. I want to live; live a full and happy life that my dad would be proud of. Having Tyler in my life makes me want to be strong for him, too. Supporting his career, his charity, his dreams and goals are what bring me happiness, just as his support in my life is important to him.

Thankfully, the minute I snapped out of my funk and allowed Tyler in, he could relax enough to get his head focused back on football. I know he would have given it all away if I didn’t get my shit together, but that little fact only serves to remind me how selfish I was when I was thinking I was the only one suffering. He suffered as well when my dad died. He had guilt, like me. In the end, I know we both recognise that neither of us is to blame, it was just one of those things.

These days I find it brings me comfort to visit my dad in the cemetery. Tyler and I go once a week with a blanket. Sometimes we just lay there. Other times I talk about what we’ve been up to. Sometimes I cry silent tears while Tyler just holds me. Occasionally Tyler gets me to regale stories of times dad and I spent together as a child, which can make us both laugh and cry. But no matter what my visit to his grave is like, Tyler is always right by my side, holding my hand as I work through my grief.

Work and study are a great distraction too. I’m thankful my mum fielded all conversations with them while my sorry arse was holed up in my room. It meant I still had a job to go to once I finally found my way back to some semblance of normal. I know that my mum might not always make the best decisions where I’m concerned, but I wholeheartedly accept that she has always done what she thought was
right
for me. And I need to accept accountability too. It helps that we communicate with each other now. We have coffee from time to time, go shopping and get our hair done. We do all the girly things mothers and daughters should do to bond. But most importantly, we talk. Oh yeah, and we’re honest.

After dad’s death, I was kind of scared about seeing Jessica for the first time. I mean, I know how I felt, because he was my dad, but I had no idea how torn apart Jessica would be. It was only when I went to see her that I fully appreciated how much she loved him. Here was a man who accepted the fact his fiancé wouldn’t be able to bear him any children, yet he still loved her. Jessica thought it was best that we pack up dad’s stuff together, which was a great opportunity for us to giggle over some of his hideous clothing choices and cry over photographs that brought back memories of happier times. We promised to stay in touch and we have. At least once a month we catch dinner and a movie together, which is nice. I sort of see her like an older sister now, rather than the step-mother she was going to be.

Levi and Jonas have been the wonderful friends they always have. If you’re going to go through tough things in life, it’s important to have solid friends. Levi reminds me of this daily. I look back now and can’t believe the silly girl I was in high school who was so adamant she didn’t want any friends. To be honest, there have been times when I don’t know what I would have done without them. The three of us were out at an art show recently while Tyler had footy training and I have to admit, I was a little jealous at how
normal
their relationship is. Being in love seems so easy for them. Levi tells me they have their fair share of ups and downs, but they sure as hell must hide the downs pretty well.

As far as my grief goes, eventually the pain becomes less and less until it gets easier to move on with life. It’s not that my dad is forgotten, it’s just that I’ve learnt to miss him in a way that isn’t as painful. I try not to dwell on the sadness of his absence and instead concentrate on the happy times we shared. I fill my head with memories of all the cherished moments he left me with so that I can keep those moments fresh in my mind forever.

The thing that fills me with so much joy these days is the knowledge that I have my forever to look forward to. I may not be perfect, but every second of every day I try to live my life in a way that honours the people who I love and care about. I try to give as much of myself to Tyler as he does to me, because I know when it comes to talking about him standing behind me forever – he’s as solid as a rock.

TWO YEARS LATER

Tyler

It’s her birthday today and I’m excited. So much so, daylight is only just breaking the morning sky and I’m already awake. I like watching her while she sleeps. She’s peaceful – beautiful. Her hair has grown even longer than when I first met her; so much so it now hangs down to her slim waist. I tease her often and call her Rapunzel, which I’m sure she secretly likes, because it also means she’s my princess.

Mackenzie is naked under the sheets, which lie in disarray around her hips. There is no girl in my bed. This woman has firm thighs and a delicious swell of breasts that I often like to palm in my hand. There is a richness to her face; full, pink cheeks that tell the tale of good food and happiness. She sighs now and subconsciously reaches out for me in her sleep, placing a hand on my chest. She’s on her side, so I mimic her while taking her hand in my own. Her skin is soft, delicate. It makes me want to run my hands all over her body, but I’m not quite ready for her to wake. I want to stare at her some more.

Her breathing comes out in soft little whispers, allowing me to breathe in her scent while she is oblivious to my attentions. The urge to touch her takes over when she licks her lips, her soft velvety tongue darting out briefly to moisten the skin. I put my finger to her lips and let it trail down her chin towards her neck. When my finger reaches the centre of her breast bone her skin reacts. The smooth and silky skin turns into goose-bumped flesh. As my fingers start to knead her belly, she rouses from her slumber.

‘Morning Ty,’ she mumbles.

‘Good morning, beautiful. Happy birthday.’

‘Thank you.’ Her eyes are still closed, but I know it won’t be long before I have her undivided attention. I grab the back of her arse and slide her body closer to mine. My lips start to trail kisses along her jaw, teasing their way to her lips, which she keeps closed so she doesn’t breathe morning breath on me. That shit has never bothered me, so I continue to kiss and pry with my tongue so she’ll open up a little more to me.

‘God, I can’t get enough of you, you know that?’

‘Mmm. I thought after last night you wouldn’t need me this morning.’

‘Are you crazy? I need you all the time.’ My lips cease their talking and resume their exploration of her body. Little sighs and moans tell me I’m turning her on, which is just as well, because my body is hot with desire.

Making love to Mackenzie has always been special, but each and every day we are together deepens our love, which makes fucking her feel like the best sex I have ever had in my life. I was already hard, but when her hand finds my cock and guides it to her heat, I just about groan in ecstasy. While her mouth is busy filling my head with dirty thoughts, her fingers tease my dick against her wetness. She rubs it back and forth, sending every nerve ending in my body alive with her touch. We are kind to one another, touching each other where we know it feels the best.

I soon have her on her back while I lovingly suck her nipples into hard
, pebbled buds. My hair has also grown out, and she fists it now, urging my mouth to take more of her breast in it. I oblige as she urgently wraps her legs around my waist, holding me hostage until I please her. Rocking with her while I fill her depths makes me lose all concentration. All that there is, is the here and now. Thoughts of her birthday present momentarily flee my fuzzy brain.

This won’t be a long and tender love making session. There is a sense of urgency between us – the kind that morning sex brings. My hands grip her buttocks as I try to force more of myself inside of her. It gives me more purchase which intensifies the little gasps that are coming from her mouth. I get a feel for her tempo as I ride against her body. I’m no longer afraid I’ll crush her because her body is strong. With the zealousness of a sprinter, I ride the wave of pleasure as her nails rake down my back. As our bodies become slick with sweat, I can feel the seed in my balls ready to explode. Mackenzie’s panting tells me she’s close too, so I whisper sweet nothings into her ear as I bring her to climax. I feel her muscles tense as she spasms around me, gripping me that much firmer so she fits like a glove while I’m inside her. I come too, thankful for the release she gives me.

We catch our breath, panting heavily. The air stills around us, no signs of our frantic lovemaking just moments ago.

‘I love you,’ I say, happy this woman could love me too.

‘I love you, too, but if you don’t spill on what my birthday surprise is soon, I’m going to have to tickle it out of you. And we both know how much you hate to be tickled.’

‘What makes you think I have a surprise planned for your birthday?’

‘Hmm, let’s see. All the secret phone calls, the absence of any plans with any of my friends and family … do I really need to go on?’

‘Sorry to burst your bubble baby, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. The phone calls have been with my manager about my new football contract. The Rabbitohs are signing me for a three year deal and we’ve been trying to hash out figures.’

I’m impressed that my lying skills have improved since last year. She looks suitably crestfallen.

‘You mean, they’ve forgotten?’

‘I don’t think so, but everyone has just been so busy, Mack. Tell you what, why don’t you go and have a shower and put your prettiest dress on and I’ll take us out for brunch?’

‘Sure babe, sound really nice.’ She plasters a smile on her face, but there is no disguising the hurt look she’s trying to hide. I almost want to cave and tell her the truth. When she’s safely in the shower, I pick up my phone off the nightstand and hit dial. Levi answers on the first ring.

‘I thought you were going to call me last night?’ he hisses through the phone.

‘I got tied up,’ I laugh.

‘Say no more, I really don’t want to know.’

‘So
, did you manage to get everything finished?’

‘Yeah, although I had a problem with the caterers, so I just went with people Jonas knows through Walkers Sorrow. They’ve used them occasionally when they’ve had a gig on in town.’

‘Excellent. Did the contractors finish up in the yard yet?’

‘Pretty much. The plaque for the bench only arrived yesterday, so they’re heading out first thing this morning to screw it on.’

‘That’s cool, I’m taking her out to breakfast first and then we might have a drive along the ocean before coming over.’

‘No probs, we’ll be ready and waiting.’

‘Okay.’

‘See you there.’ Levi is just about to hang up when I stop him.

‘Oh hey, Levi?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Thanks a million.’

‘Pleasure. I’ll see you both soon.’

****

Breakfast and the drive, while perfectly pleasant, have been a distraction for Mack. I completely understand why, because it’s not like her family and friends not to call her on her birthday. In fact, she’s so distracted she doesn’t notice I’m driving her out to the suburb of Double Bay and not back to her apartment. When we finally pull on to the street I’m looking for, she comes alive and looks around as I slow the car out the front of a house on the corner of Bennett Avenue. It’s a beautiful two story white cottage complete with a white picket fence and fireplaces.

I turn off the engine and look at her, smug that I have been keeping things from her, but excited that I’m about to reveal all.

‘Who lives here?’ she demands.

‘Come and see,’ I say smugly, unclicking her seatbelt as I get out of the car. She quickly follows suit and hops onto the curb, ogling the house in front of her.

‘Seriously Ty, who lives here?’ She’s curious as all hell, but she’ll have to wait a minute more.

‘Come,’ I command, and hold my hand out for her to take. She slides her dainty hand in mine and allows me to walk her through the awning trellis that has creeper vines and flowers crawling up it. Sounds of glasses clinking and muted voices reach us from the rear garden.

Like an impatient child, she’s walking on ahead, pulling me so that we might hurry a little faster. When we round the house and enter the back garden, we are met with silence as all the guests focus on the new arrivals – us. The usual crowd are here – all the important people in our life. There are her family, my family, new footy team mates and old. Levi and Jonas are practically part of the furniture in our lives
so, of course, they’re here as well. There are also other friends we’ve made along the way – those as a couple and those as individuals. What’s the most important thing about this gathering is that we are surrounded by people who love and support us. Mackenzie turns to me confused.

‘What’s all this, Tyler?’

‘This,’ I say gesturing with my hands, ‘is your birthday present.’

‘A party?’ she says, smiling, relieved that she’s not been forgotten after all.

‘Well that too, because honestly, how could we forget your birthday. But no, I am referring to the house and garden too.’

‘What?’ she screeches excitedly. ‘You bought me a fucking house for my birthday?’ Everyone within ear shot immediately starts laughing at her outburst.

‘Well, I kind of bought
us
a house, baby.’

‘You can’t be serious!’

‘I am, and you’re going to have the best birthday party ever. I’m going to show you inside later, but right now you’re going to hug all your guests, we’re going to barbeque a pig on that spit roast over there, we’re going to drink far too much and fall in even more sappy love with each other and then we’re going to make crazy love in our new bed.’ I grin at her, flashing her my dimples that I know she loves so much. She gazes at me in amazement.

‘But Tyler, why?’

‘Well, mum and dad will be moving back into their house soon and I’ve been staying over at your apartment an awful lot. It was just starting to feel a little cramped there with all four of us, so, because I just signed a multi-million dollar deal with the Bunnies, I thought it was time for us to have a place of our own.’ Tears threaten to spill over her eyes. ‘Oh baby, don’t cry!’ I’m oblivious to our guest right now, my full attention on Mack.

‘Oh Tyler, they’re happy tears!’

‘Just as well, I was starting to worry I’d been too presumptuous in thinking you might want to live with me.’

‘Never.’ She shakes her head vehemently, determined to prove her point.

‘Good, it makes me happy to hear you say that. Now before I let you go and greet your guests, I want to quickly show you the best part.’

‘You mean there’s more?’

‘Just a little thing.’

She lets me lead her past anxious guests waiting to start with her birthday celebrations. Levi blows her a kiss, while Jonas winks at the pair of us.

‘They gave me a lot of help with organising all of this you know.’

‘I’ll be sure to thank them later,’ she grins. I lead her down the garden path to the back of the property. There, nestled into the corner of the garden is a gazebo, beautifully adorned with creepers and vines. Underneath it sits a perfectly hand-crafted wooden bench. On the back of the seat, a brand new brass plaque shines, drawing your eye straight towards it. I lead her inside the gazebo and sit her down on the seat so she can read it. She traces the engraved words with her fingers, reading as she goes.
In loving memory of Chris Deeks and Kelly Redding. May you always have a place that is your sanctuary from the world.

‘Tyler, it’s so beautiful, thoughtful and absolutely … perfect. In my wildest dreams I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday than this. The house, my family and friends here to celebrate with us, and this … You’re right, this is by far the best part of my birthday.’

‘I’m glad, because being here with you, sharing our lives together – I couldn’t be a happier man if I tried.’ She climbs onto my lap and wraps her arms around my neck.

‘You believe this place is a sanctuary where we can escape from the world and be with each other when times are tough, it’s a place where we can find ourselves and come out stronger, right?’

‘That’s right.’

‘Well, you’re sort of right, but wrong too.’

‘I am?’

‘You are.’

‘So where is your sanctuary then?’ She takes her hand and places it on
the middle of my chest.

‘It’s right here in your
heart.’ And then she seals the deal with a kiss that makes me never want to let her go – guests or no guests.

When I finally concede that I do have to let her go so she can say hello to her family and friends, I stay behind in the place I created for us and watch her as she goes. There’s something very peaceful about being in love. It can make you light as a feather; so blissfully unaware of anything else of importance. It can make you feel anger, rage, jealousy and lust all in one sentence. But the most important thing that love can give a person is certainty. Certainty that love,
real
love, will always pull you through your darkest days. I know one day I’m going to marry that girl, and when I do, and I say the words ‘In sickness and in health, richer or poorer, until death do us part’, I know I’m going to damn well mean it. Mackenzie has had my heart since I first laid eyes on her, and do you know what? She still floors me like an elephant tripping in high heels.