Sanders 01 - Silent Run (34 page)

“No, you've done more than enough,” Jake said. “The rest I have to do on my own."

* * *

Sarah peeked into the master bedroom on the second floor just before ten o'clock Saturday night. She couldn't believe the police had finally let her go. She'd been afraid they would keep her overnight, and that by the time they released her Jake and Caitlyn would be gone. But here they were -- the two people she loved more than life. She blew out a breath of relief.

Jake was stretched out on the bed on his side. Caitlyn was cuddled up next to him in the middle of the bed, her thumb in her mouth, her blanket in her hand. She was fast asleep. Jake stroked her forehead and whispered to her as he watched her breathe in and out.

The tender sight broke what was left of Sarah's heart. Jake had his daughter back, and he would never let her go. He was a good man. He was a great father. And he deserved to be with his child. Where did that leave her?

Jake saw her standing in the doorway. He waved to her to come in. She moved across the room, stopping by the side of the bed across from him.

“She called me Da-da,” Jake said, a smile on his lips. “She remembered me."

Sarah smiled back at him, her eyes blurring with tears. She wouldn't tell him that Caitlyn called every man she saw Da-da. She wouldn't take this moment away from him.

“Of course she remembered you,” Sarah said instead. “How could she forget her father?” She had spent the last few hours worrying about whether Caitlyn was at home screaming for her, but it was clear Caitlyn was happy with her dad.

“She's grown up so much,” Jake said. “She's like a little person now."

Sarah sat down on the corner of the bed and gazed at her daughter's face. In sleep Caitlyn truly looked like an angel sent from heaven. Or maybe she'd been sent to save Sarah from herself. “Giving birth to Caitlyn is the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. She's the best part of me."

“And me,” Jake murmured.

“I never believed I'd have a family after what happened with Victor. Once I was on the run, living my life in disguise, I thought it would be impossible to have anything close to a normal life again. I didn't think I could trust another man, or that I could risk bringing a baby into my life. But you changed all that. The two years I spent with you were wonderful. You brought me back to life. You made me feel hope again."

Caitlyn squirmed a little in her sleep. Sarah crawled onto the bed, stretching out on the other side of her daughter. She put her hand on Caitlyn's forehead as her baby frowned and sucked on her thumb again. “I hope she isn't having a nightmare. She's been through so much today."

“With any luck she won't remember it."

Sarah gazed over at Jake. “I should have brought her back to you. I don't regret taking her when I did, because you weren't in town, and there was no one I could trust. I had to make that decision."

“Maybe at that moment. But in seven months, Sarah, there had to have been a time, an opportunity for you to find a way to reach me."

“I was too busy trying to survive on my own. I thought about calling you a million times, but I kept remembering how they killed Andy. I was afraid for you, and I loved Caitlyn so much. I knew what it was like to grow up without a mother."

“So did I,” Jake said. “Did you think I could let Caitlyn grow up without a father? You were selfish, Sarah, and you put our child in danger."

“It wasn't fair to you,” she agreed. “I was just in too deep. I didn't know how to get out of the mess I was in. I kept thinking that something would change and I'd find a way to get back to you, that it would just be temporary."

“That sounds like another lie you told yourself."

“More like a wish. I loved you, Jake.” He looked away from her, but not before she saw something flare in his eyes. “When I met you, I was a lot older and a lot wiser than when I was with Victor. I wasn't looking for a fairy-tale prince anymore, but the truth is, I found one. You and I had great chemistry right from the start, but there was also an emotional connection between us. I loved that you were strong and protective when it came to your family, to your brother, to your grandmother. You cared about your work and your friends. You threw your mind and body into building a dream house for us. You had values, a sense of right and wrong. You understood responsibility. I knew that I couldn't let you get away. And that old optimistic part of myself that refuses to die told me to hang on to you as tightly as I could. I didn't believe that I could tell you the truth and keep you. I thought you would walk away. I honestly believed that."

Jake lifted his gaze to hers, but his expression was completely unreadable when he said, “We'll never know, will we?"

“No, we won't. But while I lied to you about my past, I never lied about my feelings. I was happy with you, the happiest I've ever been in my life. And I didn't want it to end, but it did. Because nothing good lasts forever."

“Nothing good built on a lie lasts forever,” Jake corrected. “If you don't have a strong foundation, your house falls down. That's what happened to us. And I have to take some of the blame, because I never called you on any of the lies you told me. I never made you answer my questions. I'm a detail person in my work, but in my personal life I saw only the big picture. But you're free now, Sarah. Victor is dead. Just about everyone else in his group is dead. You don't have to be afraid anymore. You don't have to lie. You can be yourself."

“I'm not sure who I am anymore,” she confessed. “I've been so many people and answered to so many names. I don't feel like Jessica or Samantha. I feel more like Sarah, but I made up that name, too."

“If you want to be Sarah, be Sarah. It's not your name that's important. It's who you are. It's living a life of truth. A life without fear."

She wondered if that was possible. “I've been scared for so long,” she said. “I can't imagine going to bed at night and not having to worry about whether or not Victor is going to come after me. It's hard to believe he's dead."

“You looked at him. You saw him."

“It's still difficult to grasp."

“Now you can go on with your life."

“How?” she whispered. “How do I do that without you -- without Caitlyn? Because that's the way you want it to be, isn't it?"

Jake didn't answer for a long time. There was an expression in his eyes she couldn't decipher. “I don't know yet, Sarah."

Her heart sank. “I can't give up my child, Jake."

“I need some time to think about the future."

“How much time?"

“As much time as it takes,” he said shortly. “You made your choices, Sarah, and I had to live with them. Now it's my turn. Right now I'd like to be alone with Caitlyn."

Sarah hesitated and then leaned over and kissed her daughter on the forehead. She rose from the bed and walked out of the room. After what she'd put Jake through, she owed him this night -- but the rest would be a battle.

Sarah paused in the doorway to the living room where Catherine and Teresa were eating pizza and catching up on their lives. As usual their conversation jumped back and forth between topics, Teresa eager to express each and every opinion in her head and Catherine trying to get a word in edgewise.

Listening to them took Sarah back to the past, when they'd gathered on Catherine's bed late at night and talked about what they were going to do when they grew up. Teresa had wanted to be an astronaut. Catherine had always wanted to be a painter. And when Sarah had seen her own future, she'd always pictured herself with a bunch of kids. The other girls had teased her about having no ambition, but creating a family had always been her dream. Neither Teresa nor Catherine had ever been part of a real family, at least not for any length of time. Teresa had been taken away from her single mother when she was two and didn't remember anyone. Catherine had never told them when or why she'd been taken from her parents, but Sarah had always known that something bad had happened. There was a dark sadness to Catherine that she couldn't quite hide, but she'd always refused to talk about her past.

Since Sarah had spent most of her life hiding her own history, she could hardly quarrel with Catherine's decision just to keep moving forward. Sometimes there was no point to looking back. Her big mistake had been to lie. She shouldn't have tried to be someone else. She should have had more confidence in herself.

“There you are,” Teresa said, spotting her in the doorway. “Get in here, for God's sake. Are you all right? What did the cops say?"

Sarah moved into the room and sat down on the couch next to Catherine. “I have to go back in the morning to talk to some more people, but the bottom line is that I don't think any of us are going to be charged in Victor's death. The police seem to believe it was self-defense, and Rick has been talking about the other murders that Victor was involved in, so my fingers are crossed that it will be all right. I hope so, anyway. I certainly don't want to see Jake arrested for murder when all he did was try to protect me, nor do I want to go to jail. But I would rather it be me than anyone else.” She paused. “How do you feel, Teresa?” She watched Teresa take the ice pack off her head with a grimace.

“Like a big Russian guy knocked me out with the butt of his gun,” Teresa said dryly.

Sarah smiled. Teresa was a tough-talking, no-nonsense brunette who made up for her lack of height with a generous amount of bravado. She'd missed talking to Teresa -- having her in her life. She should have left Chicago when Teresa wanted to go, but instead she'd chosen Victor -- another bad mistake. She'd certainly made a lot of them.

“How are you?” Teresa asked.

“Not bad."

“Did you make things right with Jake?"

“I'm not sure I can."

“But you want to."

“I really do.” She shook her head. “I don't know that he can forgive me for what I did."

“He sure as hell should forgive you. You were running for your life."

“With his child under my arm. He doesn't see it in quite the same light as me, and I can't blame him. I did put Caitlyn in danger. I can't deny that."

“She would have been in danger if you'd left her with Jake,” Teresa said firmly. “Victor is the one to blame, not you. You did what you had to do."

“Okay, my turn,” Catherine interrupted. “I want to know why you never got in touch with me, Jessica. I looked for you in Chicago. I stayed there for two weeks, searching the streets, talking to your friends."

“I sent you a note as soon as I could,” Sarah said, knowing that what she'd done wasn't nearly enough. But at that point she truly had been running for her life.

“A cryptic note that you could have been forced to write at gunpoint."

“I was afraid to make contact with you again. And for a while I couldn't physically do it even if I wanted to. I was in Witness Protection. Then Victor sent Shane to kill me in the safe house. If he'd found me there, he could find me anywhere. I had to run. I had to stay in the shadows. I was afraid one wrong move would bring him straight to me, or to someone else I cared about."

“You told Andy. What did you think -- that his comic-book superhero could protect you?” Catherine asked.

Sarah saw the pain in Catherine's eyes. So many of her decisions had hurt the people she loved. “I needed a new identity. Andy was the only one who could do that for me. But he died for it."

“He died because of Victor,” Teresa put in again.

“He died because he helped me,” Sarah said, “and because Victor thought Andy knew where I was. So many people have been hurt because of me, including the guards in the safe house who were supposed to protect me. And then poor Mrs. Murphy got beaten up and Amanda got burned out of her apartment. I'm like a hurricane, bringing trouble in my wake."

“You could have brought it my way,” Catherine repeated. “I would have helped you."

“You finally had what you wanted, the art school scholarship, the glamorous life in New York. I didn't want to take that away from you. After a while, when things settled down, I thought about calling you, but I figured by then the damage had been done and nothing could be gained. You had your life, and I had mine, such as it was."

“She didn't call me either,” Teresa interjected. “Which also pisses me off. You waited eight years to get back in touch, Jessica. Way too long."

“You were my family. And you were safe away from me. I wanted to keep it that way."

“But you let Jake into your life,” Catherine pointed out. “You had to know it was a risk."

“I did know it. In the beginning I told myself it was a fling, a temporary thing, but he was too great to let go,” she said with a helpless shrug. “I was being selfish hanging on to him. When I got pregnant -- oh, my God, I was terrified. It was a complete accident. I had never intended to get that involved with anyone. But I couldn't get rid of my baby. I couldn't walk away from Jake. That's when I started telling myself lies -- like, It's been five years and Victor has probably forgotten about you. And my other favorite -- Victor is in jail; he can't hurt you now. I was an idiot. I never even considered that he could get out on parole after serving a third of his sentence.” She let out a sigh. “I don't expect either of you to understand or forgive me."

“I'm not judging you,” Catherine said. “I just wish I could have helped you, Jessica. I always thought of you like my little sister. And I never stopped worrying about you. I saw you in my dreams. For months I could hear your voice calling out to me. I could see you running down this street late at night, and all I could think about was how much you hated the dark."

“That was after I ran away from the safe house,” Sarah said slowly. She'd forgotten about Catherine's visions. She had had no idea that Catherine would have spent so much time worrying about her. They hadn't seen each other in over a year when she'd disappeared from Chicago. She'd just assumed that Catherine would go on with her life.