Read Santa Steps Out: A Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups Online

Authors: Robert Devereaux

Tags: #Fantasy, #Erotica, #Contemporary, #Santa Claus, #Fiction

Santa Steps Out: A Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups

BOOK: Santa Steps Out: A Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups
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Praise for
Santa Steps Out

"The only two rules in
Santa Steps Out
are that everything is sacred and nothing is sacred. I wish I could hope to ever attain one-thousandth the perversity of Robert Devereaux's least toenail clipping. I also wish—despite its enticing/cautionary subtitle—that this Santa story might be read to children everywhere on Christmas Eve."

—Poppy Z. Brite

"There are scenes from this book that will haunt me forever. I know I'll never innocently or absent-mindedly suck on a candy cane again. Reading this book made me want to bitch-slap Robert Devereaux. So icky, yet so magnificently rendered."

—Elizabeth Engstrom

"The kind of fairy tale that could make Walt Disney burst from his cryogenic ice cube and go on a mad killing spree. Hard to describe, impossible to categorize, and great, wicked fun to read! Make this book one of your holiday purchases, sit down by the fire and read it aloud to the family. Well...maybe not the
whole
family...but at least the ones who are already too screwed up for it to make any difference. Heh-heh."

—Ray Garton

"A delirious slice of Nabokovian porno whimsy. Wholesome, savory, weird and blasphemous, all at the same time—just like the best sex. I believe in Robert Devereaux."

—Tim Lucas

"Let Robert Devereaux shimmy down your chimney and you'd better watch out—
Santa Steps Out
is as twisted as the stripes on a candy cane."

—Norman Partridge

"The first time I read a Robert Devereaux story, I knew that his keepers had been spiking his oatmeal.
Santa Steps Out
is evidence that they've drastically upped the dosage. A wildly erotic fable tracing the consequences of Saint Nick's seduction by the Tooth Fairy, it is by turns sexy, hilarious, horrifying, magical, gross, compassionate, appalling, brilliant, sophomoric, irresistible and infuriating...and the only prospect more daunting than turning each page to see where the shameless Devereaux plans to take us next is looking forward to the inevitable shrieks of dismay from those unwary readers who expected something with a cuddly safe G Rating."

—Adam-Troy Castro

"Once upon a time we believed: In Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and magic. And then we grew up. Well, Robert Devereaux has given all that back to us in
Santa Steps Out
. As promised on the cover, it
is
a Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups—full of magic and terror, death and miracles. It is also so much more.
Santa Steps Out
gives us a glimpse behind the placid scenery we
thought
we knew as children...and what a glimpse it is! So, grab a cup of hot cocoa, snuggle up in your warmest blankie, and settle back for a reading experience the likes of which you've never had. One warning should accompany this book, however: KEEP THIS and all other dangerous objects OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN!"

—P. D. Cacek

"In its violation of our sensibilities and our cherished childhood icons, in its topping of its over-the-top scenarios,
Santa Steps Out
manages to be at once fascinating, funny, and enlightening. Devereaux's most outrageous achievement is that as he destroys our childhood myths, he rebuilds them in a twisted yet equally magical and compelling way."

—Jeanne Cavelos

"Exactly the kind of dangerous book that a small press
should
publish: the kind that makes mainstream publishers sweat."

—Hank Wagner

"Robert Devereaux is a master of vivid scene-setting, especially gory scenes and sex scenes. There is a lot of sex in this book—mostly happy, lubricious sex that is sometimes downright amazing. Prepare for a strange and stimulating ride when you hop in the sleigh with Santa and witness all his adventures."

—Fiona Webster

"Never until now have so many sacred childhood deities been subjected to such vile reinvention, in what has to be one of the most perversely hilarious books ever written. For all the ribald humor and naughty goings-on,
Santa Steps Out
is actually a surprisingly cynical tale (with a final line that beautifully bastardizes Dickens) that flays alive those childhood images used to pacify us and keep us in line, and shows them to be a soporific sham."

—Brian Hodge

"What's truly disturbing: seeing these childhood symbols degenerating into monsters. By the time Mrs. Claus is exacting her revenge with the help of Santa's elves, and the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny are tearing each other apart in an act of sexual congress, any comfort we may find in these figures is way out the window."

—Thomas Deja

"
Santa Steps Out
is breathtaking. It's almost life changing. A novel so refreshing and inspiring to read that it breaks down the walls of genres and sits comfortably outside of everything."

—Andy Fairclough

"Devereaux handles the postmodern and religious aspects of the story deftly and delicately, establishing an air of peace despite all the chaos of the plot and thematic concerns. A piece of real live literature, treated beautifully and with delicacy and great benevolent-but-black humor, and I'm just humbled at the wicked genius of Robert Devereaux."

—Mehitobel Wilson

"Beyond the apparent sensational surface of cultural iconic jockeyings for satisfaction and succor, Devereaux gradually unveils levels of mythic significance. A perfectly sincere, seriocomic exploration of myth and taboo, sexuality and relationships, and the evolution of the godhead. Yes, Virginia, there really is a Robert Devereaux."

—Edward Bryant

"Due to Devereaux's artful writing, I found myself totally emotionally engrossed in the detailed scenes of sex and violence. Oddly, there is a strong positive tone throughout the story. Love and healing are depicted in blasphemous and kinky scenes, showing that sex is intricately woven into human life and does not deserve to be isolated far away from the other parts of life. A vivid and at times disturbingly powerful link to our youth."

—Robert G. Buice, Jr.

"Even as I roared with laughter, I felt the perverseness of the guilt which tinged my enjoyment with an edge of danger, and yes, even fear...fear that I had finally transgressed beyond hope of redemption in the eyes of the God to whom all is owed, if Catholic school is to be taken seriously and literally. While this insanely raunchy, funny, thrilling, tragic, and occasionally cute and silly fable is entertainment of the highest order, it also jabs hard at convention and at the traditional—and it succeeds in momentarily and artistically turning your world topsy-turvy. Robert Devereaux, whose shining work I've lauded before, rises so far above the next level here that he is literally flirting with the kind of immortal Art label we generally reserve for the classics—and I mean the likes of Oedipus, Homer, and Euripides."

—William D. Gagliani

"Devereaux breaks every mold imaginable, and he does it with élan, and with an unabashed glee."

—Monica J. O'Rourke

Also by Robert Devereaux

Deadweight

Walking Wounded

Santa Steps Out: A Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups

Santa Claus Conquers the Homophobes

Caliban and Other Tales

A Flight of Storks and Angels

Slaughterhouse High: A Tale of Love and Sacrifice

Santa Steps Out

A Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups

by

Robert Devereaux

Santa Steps Out: A Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups

Copyright © 1998, 2010 by Robert Devereaux. All Rights Reserved.

This book is a work of fiction. The names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the writer's imagination or have been used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, actual events, locales or organizations is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

For Caitlin and Lianna

beloved lovebunnies

whose childhood

(as if their dad could possibly know)

must surely have been

perfectly normal

Contents

Prologue: Cupiditas Resurgens

Prologue: Cupiditas Resurgens

Part I. Betrayal

Chapter 1. Seduction in Three Acts
Chapter 2. Santa's First Lie
Chapter 3. Twenty Years of Secrecy

Part II. Discovery

Chapter 4. What the Easter Bunny Saw
Chapter 5. Mounting Frustrations
Chapter 6. Spilling the Beans

Part III. Consequences

Chapter 7. Anya Confronts Her Husband
Chapter 8. Vengeance and Lust
Chapter 9. Rachel All Grown Up
Chapter 10. Invitations Accepted

Part IV. Trying Times

Chapter 11. Modus Vivendi
Chapter 12. Blood and Passion
Chapter 13. The Tooth Fairy Takes Her Revenge

Part V. After the Storm

Chapter 14. A Time to Mourn
Chapter 15. A Time to Rejoice

Epilogue: Tooth and Claw

Epilogue: Tooth and Claw

Afterword: Making Light of Santa Claus

About the Author

Prologue: Cupiditas Resurgens

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin—it is the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

—S. J. Perelman

I wonder why men can get serious at all. They have this delicate long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. . . . If I were a man, I would always be laughing at myself.

—Yoko Ono

Human life is mainly a process of filling in time until the arrival of death or Santa Claus.

—Eric Berne

Prologue: Cupiditas Resurgens

In the beginning, the Father heard rumblings from Above and cut His vacation short.

Regained His throne.

Surveyed the scene.

Flew into a towering rage.

The archangel Michael had gone berserk, his thick white wings now twitching. As he staggered before the throne, the glowering God-mask angled upon his face. Shards of Hermes jagged out of his body. The six other archangels looked on, wringing their hands. Raphael's eyes were moist with tears.

"How long has he been like this?" God asked them. Gesturing toward Michael, He expunged all evidence of the trickster-god, putting him under as He had done during the great transformation.

"Two decades and more, Father," said Gabriel, he who had been Apollo in the old times. "We couldn't stop him. As Your surrogate, he had absolute power. He wouldn't listen to reason."

The Father lifted the God-mask from Michael's face. The penitent looked pale as moonlight.

"Dear Lord, forgive me," he begged. "One of the cherubim—that one up there—whispered a suggestion in my ear. It sounded so splendid and proper at the time. But now I see it wasn't, not in the least."

God glanced upward.

As He suspected.

He flared a finger at the impish grin and plunged Eros deep inside the plump winged babe; its face became smooth and innocent once more.

"And what was the cherub's suggestion?"

Michael told Him.

God erupted. "
Omanko!
" He swore. "
Hijo de puta! Scheissdreck! Jaevla dritsekk! Oh, c'est vraiment con! Gott verdammi hure seich! Madonna damigiana con tutti i santi dentro e Dio per tappo!
"

BOOK: Santa Steps Out: A Fairy Tale for Grown-Ups
8.32Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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