Sarah's Child (17 page)

When Sarah got up at her usual time the next morning, she was surprised to find Rome already up, with the preparations for breakfast almost finished. She looked at him warily, but the hard-edged anger had left him, though she still sensed an indefinable tension in him that made her keep her greeting merely polite.

Sit down, he said, and the words were a command, not an invitation.

Sarah sat down at the small table, and he served the meal, then took his place across from her.

They were almost finished eating when he spoke. Are you going to keep the store open all day today?

Cautiously, Sarah placed her coffee cup on the table. Yes. Mr. Marsh, the previous owner, said that Saturday was always his biggest day. He closed for half a day on Wednesdays, and I think Ill keep doing that too. People like a familiar schedule.

Shed expected him to object, but instead he gave a curt nod. Ill go with you today. Id like to look things over more carefully than I did before. Have you got your bookkeeping system set up yet?

Not completely. Grateful that he wasnt going to pick another argument, Sarah relaxed her guard and unconsciously leaned toward him a little, the unusual deep green of her eyes beginning to warm. Ive kept a record of everything Ive spent, and of what Ive sold, but I havent had time to begin organizing it yet.

If you dont have any objections, Ill set the books up for you, he offered. Have you thought about buying a personal computer and putting your inventory on it? For that matter, you need your bookkeeping system on computer too. It would be a lot easier to work with.

Id thought about it, but a computer will have to wait. The store needs a new roof, and Ive got several ideas for expanding the merchandise selection. Then theres a burglar alarm system that I want installed too. Ive just about used up all my savings, and I need to build a little working capital.

You used your savings? he snapped, his heavy dark brows drawing down, and Sarah automatically withdrew from him again, the barrier springing into place to protect her. His jaw set as he saw her change of expression, and grim determination rose in him. He wasnt going to let her lock him out this time; he was going to go over that damned wall as if it werent even there, ignoring its existence.

He reached out and snared her wrist, wrapping his hard fingers around the fragile bones. That was the wrong way to do it, he said, releasing all the irritation he felt. You dont spend your capital; you use it as collateral. Borrow the money, and let your own money collect interest while you use someone elses. The interest you pay on the loan is tax-deductible, and believe me, babe, youll need every tax break you can get. Dont wait for a profit to make those improvements; borrow the money and do it now. If Id been here when you bought the store, Id have marched you down to a bank to set up a business loan.

Sarah relaxed, her eyes widening. She could handle his criticism and advice on business matters; she even welcomed it. Shed have to be a fool not to trust his business sense.

Youll also need a good accountant, he continued. Id volunteer to do your taxes, but I have to spend too much time away from home. If youre going to do this, do it right.

All right, she agreed mildly. I didnt know all that. My instinct is to pay for everything outright, so its legally mine and cant be taken away from me. Ive never been interested in the ins and outs of business finance, but if thats the way you say it should be done, Ill take your word for it.

His dark eyes sharpened, and like a hawk he swooped down on the most significant thing shed said. The morning after their wedding, when shed come unglued because the apartment was unfamiliar to her, hed realized that she liked everything in its place. She was, in fact, almost fanatic about it. But now this second statement alerted him to a deep-seated insecurity in her that he hadnt realized before. Taken away from you? he asked casually, though there was nothing casual in the way he watched her. He felt as if he were on the verge of finally getting around that barrier inside her, of knowing what went on in that reserved mind of hers. Do you really think Id let you go belly up if you enjoyed the store that much? You dont have to worry about bankruptcy, ever.

Sarah shivered, a movement that he felt immediately, as he was still holding her wrist. She stared at him across the cold, empty wasteland of her childhood; then her lashes dropped as she tried to push the emptiness away. It isnt that, she vaguely explained. I just needed to feel that it was mine, that I belonged I mean, that it belonged to me.

Do you realize I dont know anything about your family? he asked conversationally, and she flinched, telling him without words that he was on the right track. Where are your parents? Did you have a deprived childhood?

Abruptly Sarah looked at him, awareness dawning in her eyes. Are you psychoanalyzing me? she asked in an attempt at lightness. Dont bother. I can clear it up for you; its no big mystery, though I really dont like to talk about it. No, I didnt have a deprived childhood, not in material things anyway. My father is a successful lawyer, and we were definitely upper-middle-class. But my parents werent happy together, and they stayed married only because of me; when I started college and was officially launched, they promptly divorced. Ive never been close to my parents. Everything was so so cold at home, so polite. I guess I grew up knowing how shaky everything was and expecting it to fall apart without notice. I intended to make my own little nest, where Id feel safe, she confessed.

And youre still doing it.

Im still doing it. I pull things in around me and pretend that nothing will ever change. She darted a look at him and shifted uncomfortably, aware that shed bared a large part of herself to him. He was watching her with a look in his eyes that she took for pity, and she didnt want that. She forced herself to shrug and say lightly, Old habits die hard, if they die at all. I dont easily accept any changes in my life; I have to think about things for a while and become accustomed to them, then gradually move things around. Except for the store, she added thoughtfully. I wanted the store immediately. It has such a permanent, homey feel to it.

So that was what those barriers were all about, he thought. The wonder was that shed married him at all, if she disliked changes so much. Probably shed taken the step only because hed assured her he wouldnt interfere with her life, and since their marriage, hed been trying to force himself past her reserve, while shed been frantically trying to keep it in place. If he eased up, shed gradually relax with him and accept his place in her life. She wasnt cold and aloof at all, something he should have known immediately from the passionate way she responded to him in bed. She was more like a shy, wary doe, and shed have to trust him and accept his presence before shed let him venture close to her. Physical closeness and mental closeness were two very different things for her, and hed have to remember that.

She wasnt Diane. Dianes personality had been firmly based on a loving, secure tightly knit family, and shed had the inner self-confidence to handle his temper and dominant personality, while Sarah felt threatened by it. She was far softer, far more vulnerable, than hed ever imagined.

She shifted, freeing her wrist from his grip and rising to her feet, smiling a bright smile that didnt fool him in the least. I have to hurry, or Ill be late opening the store.

Go on and get ready; Ill clean up in here. He stood too, but halted her departure with a hard hand on her waist. Sarah, understand one thing: An argument doesnt mean your life is going to be torn apart. I was worried last night when I couldnt find you, and I blew up. Thats all there was to it.

Her eyes were bottomless pools of green, and she stood motionless under his hand. If he wanted to think that was why shed been so upset, let him. Better that than his knowing that he could hurt her deeply just because she loved him.

Chapter 8

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Their life together settled into a routine, defined by the mundane details that gave things a sense of continuity; no matter what else, there was always laundry, and cooking, and cleaning. He did as much as she did in the housework department, when he was there, but he was often gone, and when he wasnt there, she threw herself into work, trying to fill the emptiness that came from his absence. He didnt call her every night when he was on a business trip; he always gave her the number where he could be reached if she needed him, and he invariably called her if he was delayed, or to tell her when hed be home, but other than that she had no contact with him. She understood, though she missed hearing his voice, if nothing else. What could they say to each other every night? She couldnt tell him how much she missed him, how the time dragged while he was gone, how much she loved him, because he didnt want to know that. It was much safer not to talk to him except when necessary; shed simply wait until he came home, and his initial sexual urgency would give her the chance to hold him, to silently give him the love that had been building up in her. She always knew what to expect from Rome when he returned from a trip; he walked through the door ready to fall on her like a starving man falling on a feast.

When she let herself think about it, she admitted to herself that, while he did like her and to some extent care for her, she still hadnt replaced Diane in his heart. Their love life was fantastic: He was an experienced, virile lover, and she could never say that sex with him was routine. He often took her wherever they were at the time, not bothering to take her to the bedroom, and that more than anything told her that he still grieved for Diane. He preferred that their lovemaking be out of the bed. When the demands of his work forced him to come home late, after she was already in bed, then hed come to her there, but when the act was finished, he always left. Hed hold her and pet her, waiting for her to go to sleep before he went, but she always sensed his uneasiness and had begun to feign sleep so hed feel free to slip from her bed. When the door had closed behind him, shed open her eyes and lie there, feeling the desolation of knowing herself unloved. Sometimes she couldnt prevent herself from crying, but for the most part she kept the tears at bay; they solved nothing, and she had a terror of him hearing her weeping in the night.

Still, there was a lot of contentment in their life together. Cool autumn became winter, and there were cozy nights in front of the fire, watching television; other times, she read while he worked. There were shared lazy breakfasts, and cold, sunny Sundays when they watched the Cowboys play football. If he was at home, he went with her to the store every Saturday, and he and Derek became good friends.

Shortly before Christmas Sarah broached the subject of Dereks future with him. Derek was brilliant; it would be a shame if his potential was limited by lack of money. Theyd become close enough that Rome caught her drift immediately.

Do you want me to put him through college?

That would be nice, she admitted, giving him a sparkling smile. But I dont think Derek would stand for it. Hes very proud, she said thoughtfully. But if you could arrange for a full scholarship from some foundation that wont limit his choice of college, I think hed jump at that.

You dont ask for much, do you? Rome observed wryly. Ill see what I can do. I think Max will have to be brought in on it; hes got some connections through his family that could be helpful.

Max had become a fairly frequent visitor, and though he never stopped teasing Rome about taking Sarah away from him, their marriage had made all the difference in the world in the way Rome reacted. Hed won, and he knew it. Maxs heart wasnt broken; nor would he try in any way to undermine his friends marriage. He frankly admired Sarah and saw no harm in letting her husband know it, and that was the extent of it.

When Rome decided to get something accomplished, he didnt wait around. The next day Max just happened to show up at the store with Rome; Sarah saw the stunned look in Maxs vivid eyes when he was introduced to Derek. Derek had that effect on people. In a few moments, Max wandered over to Sarah and whispered, Romes lying, isnt he? Dereks twenty-five if hes a day.

He was sixteen last month, Sarah whispered in return, smiling in amusement. Isnt he something?

Hes bloody impressive, is what he is. Give him wings and a sword, and hes my image of the archangel Michael. Tell him to decide which college he wants, and when the time comes, Rome and I will see to it that he gets a full scholarship.

Sarah told Marcie what Rome and Max were planning, and to her surprise, the other woman burst into tears. You dont know what it means to both of us, she sobbed. Hes such a special kid, and its been breaking my heart for him to have to work to save the money for college, instead of having a good time the way he should be doing. This is the best Christmas present you could have given me!

With the approaching Christmas season, Sarahs business was boomingso much so that she had to hire someone full-time just to help her wait on customers. Rome was all for the idea; he hadnt liked Sarah being there alone during the day until Derek got out of school. She hired a young neighborhood woman whose youngest child had started school that term, and who wanted out of the house. It worked out nicely. Erica would leave shortly before her children were due in from school, and Derek usually arrived within the half-hour. Having Erica there during the day also gave Sarah an opportunity to have lunch, which had been limited to grabbing a bite from a sandwich between waiting on customers, when shed been by herself.