Savage Love (17 page)

    
“My life was spinning out of control. Someone else made my schedule, ordered my food, bought my clothes…pretty soon I had very little control of my life. That’s when the panic attacks started. I had to stop the tours, and we cancelled everything. I couldn’t even go into the studio to record. When I built this house I had them put one in the basement hoping that I could do it all on my own. But then all of this happened,” he said indicating his own body, “and the rest is history.”

     “So what you’re saying is that in trying to control your own life, you lost everything…”

     “Well, not my money, and I still have Bryce, but yeah…Gareth and Elizabeth are gone, my relationship with my parents is crap, my body is wasting away, my career is pretty much over and…I think…my time is running out, and I don’t know how to fix it,” he answered.

     “It’s never too late to change our lives, Daffyd. Sometimes we just have to throw up our hands and say ‘I give up’,
we
can’t change our lives, but God can,”

     “I’m just not sure if I believe that anymore. I can’t handle one more let down.
I guess I am plain scared. If He doesn’t come thru for me, then what? I am running out of options here. If I ‘give up’ as you say and it all stays the same, I’d have to put a bullet in my brain!”

     “I am not saying that if you let go that He would take you
out
of all the mess! But He would certainly give you the strength to
go through
. It isn’t easy Daffyd, trusting God can be hard. It takes work to live spiritually and to let go of our own way. It isn’t a one time thing, we have to decide every day to follow him. And sometimes we just screw up. We aren’t perfect. If we were, we’d be in heaven. But He will be there
with
you no matter what happens,” she explained. “Look, you don’t have to decide right this minute, I am not trying to pressure you at all.”

     “I know, I am just so sick of my life, but too scared to do anything about it.”

     “Would you mind if I prayed with you Daffyd?” she asked. When Daffyd held his hand out to her, she took that as a yes. Grasping his hand in both of hers she closed her eyes and prayed.

     “Father, I thank you for your love for Daffyd. You see his heart and
You know what he needs. I ask that you speak to his heart, Lord, that your perfect love will cast out all fear. I thank you, Father, that every good seed that has been planted in Daffyd’s life will bring forth fruit and that every bad seed will be rooted up and burnt. Thank you for touching his life. In Jesus name, Amen.”

     “Amen,” Daffyd softly agreed.
“Can I ask you another question?”

     “Sure, you’ve been open with me. I think I could do the same thing.”

     “When you first got here, we were sitting by the pool and you told me about getting pregnant when you were so young. You said that you had lost your faith for a while. How did you get to the place you are now?” he asked.

     “That’s a long story
. Are you sure you are up to it?” she asked.

     “What else do I have to do, I took a long nap and am not tired at all, unless you are?” he answered.

     “No, not yet. Well, I don’t remember exactly what I told you earlier…”

     “You said that your parents wrote you off, and the guy took off…” he reminded her.

     “Yep, that pretty much sums that up. I moved to Wisconsin to go to school and Seanna and I lived in a tiny apartment. I paid a neighbor lady, a nice grandma type, to watch her while I was at school and while I worked part time in the school cafeteria. Life was hard for us. I hadn’t been to Church since I graduated from the girl’s school, and I only went there because they made us. I still believed in God, I knew He was real, but I didn’t think He cared about me. When I thought of God as a parent, I could only see my parents and felt like I had just screwed up so bad that I was on my own.”

    
“Looking back now, I am sure if I had been raised with forgiveness, that it would have been different. I couldn’t forgive myself, so I wasn’t expecting God to either. I went on this way for a long time, over a year. During that time I had met Richard. He was running a small grocery store close to the college at the time. He was very nice to us. At some point we started dating and he was a good listener. I ended up telling him everything and for the first time I felt like I wasn’t being judged. He just accepted me and all my baggage. He kept inviting me to go to Church and I finally caved. That was my first experience in a church that taught about the grace of God.”

    
“Not long after that, we got married in the same church. I had rededicated my life to the Lord, and had been able to forgive not only my parents and Jeff, but myself as well. Richard was very patient and understanding through it all. I don’t know if I ever would have made it without him. After college we moved to a town that had a larger store for sale, and our Pastor knew one of the Pastors in the area. I eventually got a job teaching at their small school. I think working at the church has helped keep me centered. But in a way it has also contributed to my learning to hide behind that mask I was telling you about. I somehow felt like I had to have it all together to be on staff there, and that was all my own thinking, probably still from all that legalism when I was little. I am going to have to face all of that when I go back,” Samantha finished.

     “It sounds like your husband was a great guy,” said Daffyd.

     “He was. Sometimes I didn’t appreciate the good things in him, and got stuck on the things that bugged me. Just talking about it just now reminded me of how great he was in the beginning when I was so messed up, and mad at the world,” she answered.

      “So your marriage wasn’t perfect?” he asked.

     “Of course not! Richard and I had our differences. I can’t say that we ever fought. He just wouldn’t participate in that. If I raised my voice or started to get angry, he took what he called a ‘time out’ and waited until I calmed down. Or sometimes when I tried to talk to him about something that was really bothering me, he would break down. I am afraid his self confidence was pretty low. Richard was a pretty insecure man. I know he fully trusted God, but he had problems trusting people with his emotions. That’s part of what used to make me
so
mad. He believed every sob story of the people who wanted to charge their groceries, or even wanted a hand out, he trusted people that way. I think he thought that people were mostly honest, but that they wouldn’t like who he really was. You know what I mean?” she asked.

      “I think I do. Now I hardly ever expect people to be honest…but I also don’t trust people to accept the real me. From what you just said about wearing a mask, it sounds like you don’t either…”

     “I never thought of it that way. Richard and I were maybe too much alike for our own good. We both had things from our past that we just couldn’t seem to get completely over,” she said.

     “What was in Richard’s past that he struggled with?” asked Daffyd.

     “I had suspected for years that there was something different about Richard, but I didn’t get confirmation until his father’s funeral. His mom told me that Richard had been gay, apparently for years. Sometime before we met he had moved away from his home town where his family lived, and gave his life to the Lord. From what I can figure out, he started his whole life over. His family never really accepted his change as real. Richard never said a word about it to me, and never told anyone at our Church. Our Pastor found out from me. I think he lived with that guilt until he died. I believe he confessed to God, but he never faced up to his past,” she explained.

     “Wow…so you two…well…you know, were you intimate?” asked Daffyd, his face red.

     “At first…rarely, and then not for years. (I can’t believe I’m telling you this). It didn’t bother me at first, but eventually I just figured that it was probably better that way. I didn’t want another baby and we just got comfortable. But I knew that a real marriage had to have intimacy. We never did. After the first few years things changed a lot. He was such a great listener, that’s one reason I married him, but he never shared anything deep with me, his own dreams or fears. Just ‘how was your day’, and stuff about Seanna. I’ve talked with you more in the past few days than in the last ten years with Richard.”

     “So you just…what…lived with it?”

     “My life wasn’t horrible,” she laughed. “We had Seanna, Church, the store, I guess I just did the best I could with the choices I made. I loved Richard, just not the way I had always hoped it would be. I think he really tried to be a good husband. I think he was scared that if I knew I would leave. Who knows, I just might have,” she said. “Maybe I was scared too, afraid that my life could have been much worse.”

     “So do you forgive him?” he said looking her in the eye.

     “I have
chosen
to forgive him. Forgiveness isn’t an emotion. I choose to forgive, and let my emotions catch up later. Right now I am feeling a little betrayed. I just pray that God comforts me and allows me to continue to love Richard,” she answered.

     “Ok, enough about me…now tell me all
your
past love stories,” she said.

     “Not much to tell,” he said.

     “Come on! I was honest with you!” she exclaimed.

     “Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I was always caught up in my music, then my career. Most of the women I met all wanted something from me
, money, their picture in the papers, you know all that junk. Now I am an old man and quickly running out of time,” he said.

     “Ok, first you’re still a baby, you’re
barely thirty. Secondly, you will have plenty of time to find someone special and have a family.”

     “
I’m no baby. The family part is probably out, one of the side effects of the treatments that I have had to take. And where am I supposed to meet her, and even if I did find the right woman, who would want to deal with all of my issues…?” he asked.

     “You could probably meet a wonderful woman at
church. And some people are happy with adoption, your own brother for example. Bryce is wonderful,” she answered. “Besides we all have our issues. If we waited to find the perfect person, we’d already be in heaven, and I’m pretty sure we are
not
going to be married there. You have to just wait until someone really grabs your heart,” she said.

     “So does that go for you as well?” he inquired.

     “We aren’t talking about me…” she stalled.

     “I am just saying…are you going to practice what you preach?” he said with a grin.

     “I think I’ll just be single for a while, maybe a long while, you forget I spent fifteen years with Richard. That’s almost half of my life.”

     “Do you think you would recognize the right person when you first met them?” he asked.

     “You mean like ‘love at first sight’?” she asked.

     “Yeah, I guess that’s what I mean.”

     “I think you’d have to be sure that it wasn’t just a physical attraction. I guess deep down, I’m still a bit of a romantic, so yes, I’d like to believe in love at first sight. But I also believe that love can grow out of a beautiful friendship too,” she answered. “I would hate to be in the whole dating scene again. I think I’m gonna just be one of those old women who have a bunch of cats and lives alone.”

     “Now who is talking like they are old? Besides, I see you as more of a dog person,” Daffyd replied.

     “I am,” she laughed. “I haven’t had one for years. Maybe I’ll get a little lap dog when Seanna goes off to school.”

     They continued to talk for hours, both of them gradually getting more comfortable and eventually ending up each lying on one half of the bed, facing each other. Neither Samantha nor
Daffyd had laughed that much and yet had such a serious conversation in their whole lives. Before they knew it the night had grown old and so wrapped up in each other, they didn’t hear kids coming home from their prayer vigil. They were both laughing so hard that Samantha was crying into the pillow, when Bryce and Seanna poked their heads in Daffyd’s room.

     “What’s so funny? We could hear you all the way down stairs,” said Seanna.   Both kids came in grinning and plopped themselves on the bed.

     “Daffyd was just telling stories about when he was a kid and some of the stupid things he and Bryce’s dad did,” explained Samantha. “I am
so
glad I had a girl.”

      “What stories? I’d like to hear some,” said Bryce.

     “First how did the prayer meeting go?” asked Samantha.

     “It was great, there were quite a few people there and we prayed for tons of stuff. I feel pretty awake after all of that praying. So let’s hear it Uncle Daffyd. Start with something I have never heard,” said Bryce.

     So Daffyd regaled them with some other funny tales and they all laughed and stayed up way too late. Finally they were all yawning and Samantha was almost asleep.

     “Ok, off to bed all of you. You have worn out your welcome. I am
not
used to sharing my bed!” Daffyd joked.