Save Me (13 page)

J
ust pulling out of the farm lane spreads relief through my body. I gaze through the Jeep’s window at the blue sky above and crack it to inhale the spring air. There’s a lot to be thankful for…not much of it resides on the Sinclair farm, though.

We’ve neglected Violet and her new baby and that’s not going to fly. She has summoned us all for a barbeque and some baby time. I’ve always loved how Violet takes what she needs when she needs it, except for the one night in Key West when it threatened to ruin her life.

I’ve seen the baby and he’s beautiful, and Violet is beautiful with him in her arms, but with everything that’s going on with Butch, the joy of a baby seems artificial, contrived somehow. I have to force myself to remember it’s Violet and Blake’s baby, forever. It’s an incredible bond I can’t seem to connect with the two of them. For some reason, though, I can’t imagine Jay without Jason. They are forever connected in my mind.

Violet and Blake are staying at her parents’ while their new home is being built. It’s going to be massive, but I wouldn’t expect anything less. Noble parks on the street in front of Violet’s parents’ and cuts the engine.

“Being here reminds me of their engagement party,” he says, and ponders me. “A lot’s happened since then.”

I think back to the night when Noble kissed me on their back patio. I’m not sure what would have happened between the two of us if Jason hadn’t shown up. I hold Noble’s hand and run my fingers over the back of it and the length of each finger.

“If you had told me that night we would be sitting here right now, married, I wouldn’t have believed it,” I say.

“I would.” Noble pulls me to him and kisses me gently and tenderly, and wholly nobly.

Everyone’s already here. Julia is solo since her new boyfriend couldn’t make the trip to South Jersey to see the baby. Something tells me he really didn’t have to work. South Jersey and a baby not enticing? Sydney, though, easily convinced her new man, a shipbuilder from Maine who she met on the island of Capri, to make the trip.

Noble settles in with Blake and the ship maker and a beer on the patio, and I go inside with the girls for our baby time.

“Can we call him Bob?” Julia asks, and I laugh behind Violet’s back. Robert does seem a bit formal.

“Absolutely not,” Violet dismisses.

“Dick?” Julia jibes.

“That’s short for Richard,” Violet corrects.

“I know,” Julia says.

“Violet, can I ask you a question you probably don’t want to talk about?” I ask gingerly, interrupting.

“Less than I want Julia to call my baby a dick?”

“Maybe. How did Blake ever move past the Key West guy?”

Sydney and Julia brace for the apocalypse. We’re all silent as Robert coos on Violet’s lap, his presence a testament of life’s ability to move on.

“I don’t think he did. He wants me enough to live with the horrific knowledge of what I’ve done.” Violet examines me closer, unaffected by her own words. That must be how she deals with it. “He said the only thing that would bring him peace would be to kill him, or to know he died.”

“Oh God,” I say without realizing I’m speaking.

“I know. I try to imagine knowing a girl he fucked is walking around and is then invited to our wedding—”

“Let me guess. It’s too ridiculous to imagine?” Julia chimes in with her well-known take on the issue.

“Can we talk about something else?” Sydney begs, her limited patience for all things depressing having been depleted.

“I saw Renee twice this week. She misses you, and I miss you,” Julia says, switching to her kind voice. She asks, “How’s Butch doing?”

“Maybe something happier than the dying guy?” Sydney suggests.

“He’s hanging on.”

“And you?” Julia looks like she might hug me, if she was the type to hug me, which she is not.

“I’m coming apart at the seams. When Jason’s near me, like within one hundred yards of me, I’m totally confused, consumed by him and what I want him to do to me.” All six of their eyeballs bulge in their heads and I swear I think the baby’s even listening. “But when I can get some distance, when I can breathe and think, I know it will ruin my life,” I say, and add too loudly, “I know I want to be with Noble.”

“Are you trying to convince us or yourself?” Julia asks, and I sigh.

“His son, the baby he conceived with someone else while we were together, is two years old now. How long is it going to take?”

“How long is what going to take?” Violet asks with extreme worry covering her face.

“How long to get over him?”

“I’m not sure you’ll ever be over him. If the baby didn’t do it,” Violet says, and she’s right. What more could he possibly do to make me stay away forever?

“How’s the kid?” Julia asks, and I frown.

“Adorable,” I say, and add, “I love him, too.” I need a shovel to bury myself in Violet’s parents’ backyard.

“Do you ever see his whore mother?” Julia asks, and I wish she lived closer. I could use this type of conversation on a daily basis.

“Thankfully, no. They were at a dance together in March but she never comes to Butch’s.” I look at Julia, searching for answers to a question I can’t even ask myself.

“You do realize yours is the only town in New Jersey that has a dance for adults?” Julia asks. Robert stretches his precious arms and arches his back, causing us all to move in closer in awe of him. Are all babies this enchanting? What was Jay like as a baby? Was he as cute as Robert? What was Jason like holding his son in his arms?

“Be careful, Charlotte.” Violet’s words cut through my concentration. She’s the only one among us qualified to give the warning. I withdraw my eyes from the baby and force them to meet Violet’s. “There are some things in this world that last forever.”

“Hold up. What are we even talking about here?” Sydney sounds a little frantic. “You are not seriously considering leaving Nick?”

“No!” I yell.

“She’s not considering anything. It’s not about thinking,” Violet says, and my stomach cramps.

“Well what? Are you now the cheating type?” Sydney’s not letting it go.

“No. I’m not doing anything with him. I’m just having trouble spending so much time with him. He affects me.”

“Not in a good way?” Sydney asks, still confused.

“In every way,” I say, barely above a whisper, and a chill runs across my chest.

Noble opens the patio door and walks into the room. We all gawk the baby as if this is how we’ve been fixed the past half hour.

“Did Charlotte tell you guys she’s going to be knocked up soon?” Noble teases them.

“Yes, she was just telling us all about it,” Julia says, and we each look in a different direction.

“Nick, do you want to hold the baby?”

“Little Robbo, Bobbly Fly, Big Rob?” Noble asks.

“Please don’t do that,” Violet says, and loosens up to a smile as she hands the baby to Noble. He sits down and lays the baby on his lap lengthwise and talks to Robert as he holds his tiny hands in his own. The four of us watch in awe as Noble tells the baby how much everyone loves him and that he knows he’s going to be big and strong someday.

“Which is good. You’ll need to run fast, too, if Mommy doesn’t loosen up on the name,” he whispers.

“Why do I hang out with you people?” Violet asks as Sydney puts her arm around her and kisses her cheek.

I realize how much I miss these girls when I can barely let go of them at the end of the day. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go back to Butch, but I also miss him and I’m worried about him. I need to know how his day was and if he felt okay. What did he eat? Did he get up and walk around? It’s time to go home.

Noble holds my hand in the car and pulls it to his lips as we merge onto the highway.

“I never thought I’d say this, but it was nice to get off the farm for the day.” The guilt of what I’m putting him through swallows me.

“I’m sorry for all of this, Noble.”

“You can’t help any of it. It’s not your fault. You didn’t want Butch to get sick,” he says, always trying to comfort me.

“I know, but you didn’t want me to take care of him, and it takes so much of my time and emotions, and it’s not fair to you…and Jason’s there.” Noble squeezes my hand slightly, as if he changed his mind.

“If I could change it, I would. I hate you being around him. I hate the way he looks at you, and the way you look when he’s anywhere near you.” I turn to Noble, confused.
How do I look?
“He affects you in a way that scares me. It did even before we were together. You two weren’t normal. I don’t really understand it and I don’t like it.”

His words startle me. All this time I’ve been lying to myself about my ability to cover my feelings for Jason, but Noble knows me too well.

Noble rests his eyes on my cheek and I know he’s staring at my scar. His eyes return to mine and they are filled with hatred. “And quite frankly, I will never get over what happened to you the last time you guys fought. I can’t imagine he would hurt you like that, but I can’t erase the sight of your face from my mind, and I will always connect that image to Jason Leer.”

I reach up and touch my scar, the only one visible from our two years together. The end of a board hitting my face and finally convincing me we could never be together. Noble and I have been over the details of the injury a hundred times. He’s looking for a reason to hate Jason and this scar on my face is as good as any.

“But I can’t change Butch’s situation, and I love you for taking care of him. He’s lucky to have you in his life.”

The mention of Butch pulls me from the horrible memories and I turn back to Noble and stop touching my face. How deep are Noble’s scars?

“Noble, you wanting a baby is only about us, right?” I ask because I have to, not because any part of me wants to know the truth. Noble takes my hand again and kisses it slowly, with all the meaning of his love.

“Completely. A baby is not a weapon or a guarantee. Anyone who saw Stephanie Harding at the Harvest Dance knows that.”

I search my mind for images of Stephanie at the dance. Was she suffering? How did I not see that?

M
arie asked if I would come over this evening so she can have dinner with her sister. We could all use a break from this house. Poor Butch, he wouldn’t want us here if we needed a break. She almost didn’t go. She was frantic because Butch has been sick all day. Something made him throw up several times and has left him even more frail than usual. I finally convinced her he was stable, and I would call her if he even woke up. That settled her enough to drive off the farm and live her own life for a few hours.

I watch Butch sleep as the wind howls. It drives through the roof, under the shingles, and I swear blows past me as I sit near the edge of his bed. We pulled the rocker into his bedroom to make it easier for Marie, and now I’m perched in it, my feet resting on the wooden bed frame. BJ snores quietly at Butch’s feet. Today Butch lies almost completely flat and his breathing is deep. I’m sure that means something. If I Googled what happens to the body in the last few weeks, all of this would mean something, but it won’t change anything. A chill runs through me and I pull my sweater up around my neck as I turn my head and see Jason watching me from the hallway. Jay is at his knee, pulling his pant leg and asking him for something. When Jay sees me, he runs to my side. I lift him into my lap and we rock together.

I lean my head on Jay’s and inhale the kiwi scent; the desperate need of the scent has been replaced by the innocence of the child on my lap. We sway under the watchful eye of his father, as his grandfather sleeps beside us. Jay’s eyes droop and he falls asleep in my arms. I am ensconced in the Leer boys.

“What would the Leers do without you?” Jason asks, and it reminds me of an old dream.

“I’ve dreamed of your mother,” I whisper like a crazy person. “It was when we weren’t together, your senior year,” I say, and Jason just continues to watch me. Probably trying to figure out when I lost my mind.

“I knew you used to dream about your mother, but not mine.”

“The dreams of my mother slowed down considerably after we…”
We what?
“Ended. But for some reason I had several dreams about your mother.” I realize for the first time. “Maybe it’s because I was spending time with Butch.”

“Or maybe it’s because you missed me.”

I hold Jay in my arms and keep rocking. “She asked me to take care of all of you for her. She wanted me to promise,” I say as Jason hangs on every word. “And she was beautiful,” I add, and he lowers his head. How much can one human being lose?

Jason walks to the foot of the bed and stares at his father. His closeness sends my stomach into flips and I curse my body for having not one ounce of control.
He’s just a man, practically a boy.

You’re married.

We are silent as we watch Butch breathe. What are Butch’s regrets about this life? A day he would give anything to take back. If Jason had never had sex with Stephanie, he’d be holding me right now, not standing next to me making me want him in paralyzed silence.

“Why?” I say, barely audible over the labored breathing coming from the bed. Jason looks down at me and even though he knows exactly what I’m asking, I say, “Why did you let her in? Why did you ruin us?”

Jason moves a chair next to mine and sits down. I turn to face him and his sadness chokes me. I am so selfish with him. How can I ask him this while we sit by his dying father, his son in my arms? Noble really does have the best of me.

“Annie, I’m sorry.” I shake my head at him and at this ridiculous sentence he has said over and over again. “Not just for what I did, and what I lost because of it, but for what it did to you,” he says, arguing with my dismissal. “The thought of you hurt like that makes me sick and I’m sorry for it every day.”

“I might be lying to us both, but I forgave you.” Jason’s face relaxes but I can’t relent. “Why?”

“You didn’t belong with me.”

“That’s not true,” I argue immediately, barely letting the words clear his lips. We’ve been over this a hundred times. I did belong to him and with him. “I loved you more than anything else on this earth and you knew it. You had to have known it.”

Jason exhales shortly. “I know, Annie.” His eyes seep into my soul, and I surrender to them. “I know you loved me. You’re so stubborn you probably would have stayed with me forever, too, but I thought you belonged in a different place…with a different person,” he says, and the mention of Noble cuts me. “You loved Rutgers and New York City. You were alive there. A person in my world who found her world…and what you found was never going to accommodate me.”

The bitterness rises in my throat. The tired conversation of where I belong and what I need from the one person who could’ve given me everything and stole it all in one night.

“I would have given it all up for you.” I will him to finally believe what he never trusted when we were together.

“Do you remember our spring break at the cabin in Texas?” he asks, and the memories stab me. “You wanted me to give up bulldogging.” I nod without saying a word. “I asked you why you never said anything and you told me I shouldn’t have to give up something I love as much as bulldogging for someone who loves you as much as I do.”

I remember the conversation precisely. I still think that. I hated him at the rodeo, but he wasn’t him without it.

“But you are what I wanted,” I say, and close my eyes to keep the tears from coming.

“I know, Annie. But I wasn’t where you belonged. When you chose to go to that dance, you realized it, too.” I take a deep breath and face Jason. He’s not angry; he’s just my Jason sitting before me, completely oblivious to who I am.

“You’re wrong. When you told me about Jay, it was as if I died.” Jason looks as if I might break him. “New York, Rutgers, work, none of it mattered. The first day I woke up without you in my life I stopped caring about any of it,” I say, and shake my head at him. “About anything.” Jay stirs, my disgust infiltrating our coziness, and I lean over and hand him to Jason. I stand up and walk out of Butch’s house. The sun has set and the rain has started. The wind drives it sideways into my face, and I run back to my house and Noble. It took me months to find something to care about again. Or did Noble find me?

Noble is sitting on the couch watching TV, alone. I lie down, my head in his lap, and cry. Noble rubs my back and covers me with the throw lying on the back of the couch.

When I open my eyes, I’m in my bed, next to my husband. He carried me up here last night. I lean up on my elbows and watch him sleep. Noble is a beautiful man. He deserves better than what he has, but then again, don’t we all. I raise his arm and crawl in between it and his chest and wrap my arm across his body.
My lovely Noble
, I think as I close my eyes rightfully in his arms.

He pulls me close to him without opening his eyes and kisses the top of my head, and the warmth of Noble Sinclair spreads through me. His kindness always welcoming me back. His patience, endless.

“Good morning,” he says as if this is the first morning we’ve ever woken up next to each other. I lean up and kiss him and watch his beautiful blue eyes adjust to the morning light. Satisfied that Noble is still wonderful, I lay my head back on his chest.

“Is there anything I should know?” he asks. Jason thinks he knows everything and Noble knows nothing, and I’m as lost as the two of them.

“Why?” I ask, not really paying attention to the conversation.

“You’re distant. I’m planting and you’re taking care of Butch, and the moments we’re together are a bit unsettling. I just need to know how you are.”

“I’m exhausted. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed and this is the second time Jason’s seen this show. It’s horrible.” Noble’s muscles tighten at the mention of Jason.

I roll on top of Noble and bury my face in his chest. His arms circle me. If I could find a way to spend the rest of my life right here, I know I could be happy. We could be happy together.

“Noble, are you planting today?”

“Yes, why?”

“Can I come with you? Would that be a bother? I think I could use a break from Butch’s and…and I want to be with you.”

Noble holds me tighter. “You can come. I would love to have you.”

Noble pulls down the jump seat in the tractor and I climb in. He reaches across my lap and pulls the door shut. I admire my farmer husband as we take off on our bumpy ride. His faded Pink Floyd shirt has a rip at the neck but is still magnificent as it stretches across his chest. We ride through our field shoulder to shoulder as we plant corn and I question if this could possibly all be part of a plan for me.

Noble enters information into the touch screen to his right as I stare at the picture of us from our wedding night. I should have known it found its way into this tractor. He said it would be his favorite and here it is, riding along with him most days.

“What are you doing?” I ask, completely oblivious to how any of this works.

“Getting my rows straight,” Noble says, and presses some buttons. “The tractor has GPS I use for planting and spraying. It’s more cost-efficient for fuel and keeps my rows straight.” He finishes with three more buttons and turns to me. “Everything is software driven now. This tractor knows as much about the soil as I do. All the engines are hooked to software.”

“How did farmers keep them straight before GPS?” I ask, imagining all sorts of archaic strategies.

“They didn’t. At least my dad’s rows were never straight.”

They always appear straight from the road. Of course, I’m usually going by too fast to notice.

Noble and I start down the field and the peace of the earth fills me. As we move over the ground, a family of rabbits scurries and a lone deer runs toward the woods. It stops, looks into the cab of the tractor, and turns and disappears into the trees. We’re high above the action, like watching a movie.

“When you see animals, do you always think of hunting them?” I don’t understand it. How can he kill something? Take a life?

“I’ve never thought of killing BJ,” he says, and I punch him in the arm.

“Thank God! You watch them differently, though. But then again, you view most things differently.” Noble grabs my hand as he turns the tractor with his right one. “What do you like about hunting?” I ask, and attempt to seem unaffected by the act of it.

“Are you considering joining me there, too?”

“No. I just can’t make sense of it,” I admit, and lose my battle with my face as my nose scrunches up in mild disgust.

“It’s not easy to explain, especially since you’ve never been. You have no point of reference.”

“Try.” I hold his hand in both of mine. Noble leans over and kisses the top of my head, completely uninsulted. The tractor steers itself down the row.

“I usually go out early, when the uncivilized world is waking up. Daybreak is their clock. It’s quiet…and crisp, and my senses are never more acute. I listen to the leaves beneath my feet and the birds above my head. I can hear the air and the light and the silence, and it all has something to say. There’s none of life’s useless chatter and it’s mentally freeing.”

I slip my hand between Noble’s thighs. His passion moves me. He takes a deep breath and looks at my hand and at me. I smile, asking him to continue.

“It awakens an instinct we all share; it’s just honed and cultivated in a person who begins hunting in their youth. Like one’s survival instinct that lies dormant until their life is threatened. It’s the same for protection. Now that I have you, I’m very protective of you, more so than I ever felt before I had something I was unwilling to lose.”

I watch Noble turn the tractor again and know I need to protect him, protect us. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out, not wanting Noble to notice my new burden.

“It’s all exhilarating. I’m not doing it justice.”

“You haven’t said a word that involves an animal,” I say, grasping my miniscule concept of hunting.

“That’s the thing. The animal part is only a few seconds, a few heart-stopping, primal seconds,” Noble says, and I sense he’s through explaining hunting.

I turn my attention to the field in front of us. For as far as I can see, there’s dirt ready to be planted. It’s an endless line of tranquility, ready to be grown.

“Are you lonely out here? I mean, when you don’t let me come with you.” It’s just him and his thoughts all day, surrounded by acres and acres of land.

“I have the radio and the Internet and my awesome picture.” Noble nods at the picture from our wedding night.

“It’s unbelievable you run this whole farm with just a few other people.” It’s amazing, actually. This industry has surrounded me my entire life and I barely know a thing about how it runs.

“Impressive, huh?” Noble winks at me and I squeeze his thigh. What an incredibly hot farmer.

“Some farms have one hundred laborers helping with crops. We have three combines. They’re just different business models.”

“It’s a lot of ground,” I challenge.

“It’s a lot of equipment. We can harvest a hundred acres a day with the combine. More with a grain cart, and some of our crops we don’t harvest. The processors come in for the spinach. It leaves me time to do the custom work for the smaller farms,” Noble says, as if this makes running the farm any less impressive.

We dip down suddenly and I brace myself to keep from hitting the windshield, forgetting my other questions.

“What’s that?” I point to a small pool of water in the middle of the upcoming row.

“Field tile,” Noble says, frustrated by the sight of the water.

“Huh?” My complete lack of knowledge of Noble’s daily activities is astounding.

“Around the turn of the century, immigrants hand dug trenches in all the fields around here and installed a network of pipes. The originals were terra-cotta tiles, field tiles,” Noble explains as if this is common knowledge in town. “They’re three to seven feet below the ground and when one becomes plugged, it creates a wet spot. We have to find the clog and replace the tile.” Noble looks down. “Can you put your hand back?” I oblige, and study the water again.