Saven Defiance (The Saven Series Book 4) (15 page)

“Why didn’t your mother ever marry? Or have more children?”

His shoulders lift up and down. “She was engaged once, before I came along. I don’t know all the details, but it broke her, hardened her heart. Or at least, that’s what the rumor mill says. Then my father didn’t want to know, apparently, and she was saddled with a kid she didn’t want.”

I reach out to touch him but stop myself in time. The urge to comfort him is all-consuming, but that won’t help things. I pull back before he notices the gesture.

“As leader of Torc, she could have her pick of men, but marriage doesn’t appear to interest her. Her bedroom’s been like a revolving door for years, and it’s always disgusted me.” He shakes his head in revulsion. “But bedding one of my schoolmates, when he was fifteen, was low even for her.”

My cheeks pucker sourly. “That’s sick.” I can’t keep the shock from my face.

He looks sideways at me. “I know. What’s worse is that he’s the one that’s stayed the course these last few years. None of the others ever lasted more than a few months. You met him, at that meeting.”

I easily recall the hot guy with the irritating personality who seemed to enjoy riling Ax up. I bob my head.

“And somehow he has become her greatest confidant. She shares things with him that she should share with me as her natural heir. Rhys is the type of man she wishes I was.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh, it’s the truth all right. She thinks my love for you has made me soft, and she doesn’t trust me. Maybe this is the best thing that could’ve happened.” Something fierce and dark burns behind his eyes. “Maybe, now that I’ve lost your love, I’ll turn into the type of person she can be proud of. Someone she believes can lead Torc into the future.” He hops up, dusting sand off his pants.

“You don’t mean that. You can’t.” I scramble to my feet alongside him.

“What else is there for me now?” I hate to hear the pitiful resignation in his tone. This is not the quietly confident Ax I’ve come to know. It guts me that I’m the reason for his metamorphosis. “When you came into my life, I invested everything in you. I thought we were on the same page, but I always worried something like this would come to pass. I saw those recordings of the future, saw how much you were in love with him, but I convinced myself it didn’t matter, because what we had was more profound than that. I should have tried harder to keep you on Torc, to stop you from leaving. If I’d kept you there, then none of this would’ve happened.”

Unease slithers in my veins, but arguing with him over hypothetical situations won’t do either of us any favors. “You’ll find someone else. Someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved.”

His face hardens. “You don’t get it!” he snaps. “I don’t want to find someone else. You’re it for me. No one could ever mean as much to me as you do.”

“I am still in your life,” I whisper, feeling hopelessly inadequate. I’m ill-equipped to deal with such potent emotional torment, and my natural instinct is to curl into a shell and ignore it. But Ax deserves better than that from me.

“As your friend?” he spits out.

“Would that be so bad?” I inquire, instinctually touching his arm.

This time he is the one to shrink back. “I don’t want to be your friend, Sadie. I
am
your husband, whether you choose to accept that or not. That may not mean anything to you, but it means everything to me. When I made those vows,
I
meant them. You will always be my wife, my mate, in here”—he slaps a hand over his heart—“and that’s the only place where it matters.”

My whole body starts to tremble, and I’m fighting a losing battle with my tears. Ax has laid himself bare, stripped himself raw, and it’s still not enough. I don’t need to say it, because he can see it written all over my face. He turns away but not before I see the tears forming in his eyes.

I’m devastated all over again. I want to comfort him, but I don’t know how to and that’s killing me inside.

“This is why we can’t be friends. Why I don’t want to talk to you.” His speech is subdued by the breeze, and he’s refusing to look at me, but I don’t push it. “It will never get easier or comfortable for me to be with you when you’re
his
. It’s why I can’t stay here.”

He starts to walk off, but I fist a hand in his shirt and pull him back. “You can’t leave. Please. Don’t go. I don’t want you to.” My nerves are frayed to stretching point. I can’t keep him safe if I don’t know where he is.

“Then make me stay,” he dares, pivoting around to face me. His warm breath oozes over my skin as he inspects every part of my face. Peering into his pleading eyes, I wish I could give him what he wants.

But I can’t.

The challenge lies unanswered between us. After a couple of tense minutes, he gives me a weak smile. “As I thought.” He brushes his thumb across my bottom lip. “I can’t be around you, Sadie. Not when it’s destroying me. Not when I want to touch you every second of every day. I can’t bear to see him hold you and kiss you. It makes me want to …” He doesn’t need to finish the sentence. I get it. His hand falls loose. “Unless you change your mind, please respect my decision, and I’d appreciate it if you would leave me alone. It’s easier for me that way.”

“Ax, I still care about you.”

“It’s not enough.”

I hang my head, tortured, conflicted, writhing in inner pain. It seems wrong to feel like this, when he’s the one with legitimate dibs on those kind of emotions.

“You can’t force what you don’t feel anymore. I’m trying to wrap my head around that, but, in the meantime, I can’t be around you, Sadie. It’s too painful.”

My heart is heavy as I nod in understanding. I have to, at least, give him that much. And if he genuinely wants to leave, then I can’t stop him. But I’m fearful for his safety. I have to speak to Izzy, because I can’t let him leave by himself. I need to understand if she meant what she said yesterday and if there’s some way of stopping him from returning home. I don’t trust Griselda not to follow through on her threat.

Ax can’t go back to Torc. Not now, not ever.

He walks back up the beach, his shoulders rigid and his gait stiff and unnatural. Sinking to my knees on the sand, I watch his retreating figure, feeling very much like the villain of the piece. I don’t know how long I sit like that in the dark, but, all of a sudden, Logan is there, scooping me up without a word and carrying me back to bed.

Breakfast is a horrifically awkward affair. Logan hasn’t asked me what transpired between Ax and me last night, and I respect him for that. But it has driven a little gap between us all the same. Ax won’t even look at me, and he purposefully sits at the opposite end of the table to Logan and me. The others fill the vacant seats in between, trying their best to keep the conversation flowing, but the strain has affected everyone. I hate that my personal life has become so public and that it’s the source of discord within the group.

However, I don’t believe there’s anything I can do to resolve the situation. It’s pretty much irresolvable. With time, I hope we can at least resume our friendship, and, for now, I’ll give him a wide berth as he’s requested. Having reflected on it overnight, I refuse to feel guilty for following my heart, for being honest with myself and the people I care about. And while my intentions are honorable with regards to both boys, I have to respect how they both feel, no matter whether I like it or not.

This is the last time I’m going to wallow in grief and guilt and despair. I care for Ax, and I’m sorry that he’s hurting, but I won’t apologize for making the decision I’ve made. Or for acting normally around him.

I can’t tread on eggshells.

I will always be here for him, and I will always care about his welfare. And that is nothing to feel guilty about. I can only hope that, in time, he’ll find someone else to share his life with. Because he deserves a happy ever after.

It’s amazing how much lighter I feel once I accept that self-assessment.

A formidable-looking young man, dressed in a red guard’s uniform, steps into the room and approaches Logan. “The king has requested your presence, Crown Prince.” He bows as Logan rises in his seat. “And your mistress too.”

Fern half-chokes on her coffee, and I fight the curve of my lips. I pretty much had the same gag reflex the first time I heard the term too.

“Don’t wander off,” Logan addresses the rest of our table. “We’ll find you after the meeting, and we can decide collectively what we are going to do.”

We join hands as we follow the guard from the breakfast room to the king’s chambers.

The guard ushers us into the room before shutting the door behind us. King Coryn rises from his desk and walks to greet us. He is much taller and younger looking in person. He extends his hand and I shake it. “It is such an honor to meet you, Sadie. Granted, I wish it were under more pleasant circumstances. I hope you had an enjoyable evening.”

“We did indeed. And the honor is all mine. Thank you for looking after our friends.”

He beams at me like a proud father. Logan tightens his grip on my other hand, and I sense the hostility overpowering his body as if it were my own limbs churning with years of pent-up anger and frustration. I rub soothing circles across the back of his hand.
“Hear him out.”

“I don’t know if I can, Sadie. All I see when I look at him is my mother’s dying hours. I didn’t think it would be this hard.”

“You should hear what he has to say. This might give you some closure.”

“So, it is true. You are Eterno connected?” The king says, startling us both. “That is wonderful. Wonderful.”

“Why would you care about that? Or about me, for that matter?” Logan says, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“I’ve much to tell you, Logan. Please sit.” He motions to two chairs in front of his desk. I practically push Logan into the seat. The king sits opposite us. Straining forward, he folds his hands neatly on top of the desk. Bothersome lines crease his brow. “I’m not sure how to start. What, if anything, do you know of me?”

Logan sits rigidly straight in the soft-backed chair. “I know you were having a sordid affair with my mother and my father killed her for it.”

Okay. Wow. Way to just put it out there. It’s not Logan’s usual diplomatic style. Then again, when it comes to personal matters, the heart has a natural tendency to rule the head.

The king ages about twenty years in front of me. Emotion builds at the back of his eyes as his entire face crumples in pain. Straightaway, I see this for what it is.

This man is in agony.

This is a man who has suffered tremendous loss.

A loss that he’s never recovered from.

His demeanor is that of a man who has lost his true love and part of himself at the same time. I’m suddenly really intrigued to hear his side of the story. “You loved her?” It’s not actually a question.

“More than I’ve ever loved anyone.” His words are thick with emotion, and they resonate with sincerity. He totally means it.

Logan’s shell-shocked look meets mine. It’s clear he doesn’t know what to say or think. I encourage the king to continue with a subtle nod of my head.

“What do you know of the history between Narik and Torc?” he asks Logan.

Logan’s voice is sketchy as he speaks. “Historically, arranged marriages were the norm between the Narik Royal Family and Tor leadership. But that was in the past. And what does that have to do with my mother?”

“It’s a complicated story. I’ll try to explain as best I can, but I need to start by putting it in context. My grandmother was the last Tor to marry into our lineage. She produced five children, the eldest of whom was my father. My father married a Narik lady from a very distinguished family, and she bore him three sons. I’m the eldest and was therefore the first in line to ascend the throne.” He clenches his fists until his knuckles blanch white.

“I married young. A sweet Narik girl called Ashanti. She was killed by one of my enemies four years after we were married, leaving me a young, widowed king with a baby son.” He exhales loudly as he stands, crossing the room to fix a drink.

“I need something strong for this. It’s not easy to resurrect these memories,” he explains with his back to us. “Can I get either of you something?”

We both politely decline.

He picks up the story again when he is reseated. Unbuttoning the top button of his shirt, he leans back in his chair. “It was a particularly volatile period in the galaxy, and my father, in his errant wisdom, deemed a political marriage to be the most opportune pairing at that time. I couldn’t stomach the thought of remarrying, but it was unheard of for any Narik king to rule without a queen by his side. I didn’t get much of a say.”

He puts down his drink to rub his temples. “My father lined up some potential suitors, and I was introduced to them at a Gala Event here on Narik.” He takes a long slug of his drink, draining the entire glass. Logan squirms uncomfortably in his seat. “That was the night I met Tayla—your mother. It was love at first sight, for both of us.” His face lights up. “I’d never felt like that before, not even with my sweet, dear Ashanti.”

Logan briefly squeezes his eyes closed. Air whooshes out of his mouth as he asks, “So what happened next?”