Saving Room for Dessert (34 page)

“Who? Mr. Hornyak?”

“Yeah. And soon as the officer said everything he had to say, he was in that magistrate’s face. Hornyak, you know, sayin’
he wanted me locked up, practically screamin’ I was a nutcase, I was a danger to the community, I was this, I was that, all
kindsa nonsense. It was really humiliating. Next thing I know, I’m in the county jail ’cause I can’t pay the cash bond, and
I was goin’ through
that
humiliation. Body cavity search, man. Talk about humiliation, lemme tell ya, there it is. Make you take your clothes off,
and man, they, uh, they look everywhere—”

“You watch it, mister,” Mrs. Remaley said.

“What? What’d I say, I didn’t say anything wrong—did I?”

“Well forget about that search business and get on with it!”

“Yes, ma’am. Well, uh, the next day when I met my public defender, I found out why the bond was set so high. ’Cause it turned
out Hornyak worked in that magistrate’s election campaign. I never knew that. Anyway, had to put my house up to get out, property
bond. For some reason I don’t show up when I’m supposed to I could lose my house.”

“You planning not to show up?”

“No no, I’ll show up believe me, I’m just sayin’, I could, you know? It could happen. All ’cause I popped him one. Didn’t
break nothin’, his nose, or his jaw, didn’t even loosen any teeth. Just cut the inside of his mouth a little bit, that’s all,
Jesus—uh, sorry. Sorry, ma’am. Won’t slip again, promise.”

“Slip, yeah. Last warning, mister. One more slip like that, it’s going to cost you big. I have the authority to fine you,
don’t think I don’t. And don’t think I won’t use it.”

“Promise I won’t, ma’am,” Buczyk said, trying to remember what he’d been saying. “Oh. He didn’t even need stitches. Is ’at
worth somebody’s house? Just ’cause you worked in somebody’s election campaign, you can do that to somebody? Man!”

“When did this incident happen?” Mrs. Remaley interrupted Hepburg.

“Friday, April 2nd, two weeks to the day before the last one. The one where he got shot.”

“And are you now awaiting trial on those charges?” Hepburg said before Mrs. Remaley could interrupt him again.

“Yes—well no, not anymore. I mean I was, but I pleaded guilty, so there’s not gonna be any trial. Just a sentencing hearing,
that’s all.”

“Uh, Mr. Buczyk, I have only one thing further to ask you, and that is, for some time in the early part of our inquiry, you
were, uh, to say the least, uh, reluctant to testify, do you recall that?”

“Yes I do.”

“And yet here you are now, testifying. Were you given some inducement to testify?”

“Yes I was.”

“Would you explain that to the committee, please?”

“I was wondering if you were going to get around to that, Counselor,” Mrs. Remaley said. “I was beginning to think maybe you
weren’t. Because I’m very anxious to hear this myself. Let’s hear it, mister. I want to know exactly who you talked to and
what they promised you.”

“Uh, ma’am, I don’t know why you keep talkin’ to me like that, I don’t think I ever did anything to you—”

“Mister, quit your sniveling and answer the question.”

“Whew, wow. Uh, well, uh, the advice I got was, uh, I knew some things maybe certain people might wanna know. So I held back.
I didn’t say anything until, uh, you know, my lawyer said it was okay to say it. He said I say it to the right person I could
probably get one of the charges thrown out.”

“I knew it!” Mrs. Remaley said, throwing back her shoulders and lifting her chin. “I knew that’s what happened. The curse
of American justice—plea bargaining!”

Valcanas covered his laughter with phony coughing.

Hepburg cleared his throat several times before asking, “And is that in fact what happened?”

“Yeah. The cops brought it up first—”

“The cops?! I knew it!” Mrs. Remaley said.

“Madam Chairperson, I beg your pardon, but would you please let the witness finish his answer?”

“Well tell him to talk faster! I want to hear this as much as anybody in this room! More!”

“Talkin’ as fast as I can, ma’am. Uh, where was I? Oh. And then I, uh, I talked with an assistant district attorney, and then
I signed a plea agreement.”

“Assistant district attorney? Which one? I want his name!”

“Madam, please?”

“Which one?”

“Ma’am, I don’t know his name, I’m terrible at rememberin’ names. All I know is, he said, uh, in return for my testimony about
what happened that night, I would, uh, I mean they would throw out the one charge of aggravated assault and they would guarantee
I would be placed in ARD. And I’d get no jail time for the other charge, uh, the simple assault.”

“Nothing further, Madam Chairperson.”

“Well I have something further,” Mrs. Remaley said.

Hepburg, who’d resumed his seat, stood again and said, “Uh, excuse me, Madam Chairperson, but I think it’s Mr. Valcanas’s
turn.”

“He can wait, I’m not going to sit around while he pours sugar all over this thing—”

“Objection as to tone and diction, Madam.”

“Overruled. Sit down.”

Valcanas sat back down and once again covered his face with his hands to hide his laughter.

“So you made a deal to testify here, is that right, mister?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“So what’s this AR whatever you said? AR what?”

Hepburg stood and started to explain it,

“I wasn’t asking you, I was asking him.”

“I think I can explain it better than he can.”

“Says you. Sit down. I want him to explain it. I want to know why every time one of our investigators tried to talk to you,
mister, you had nothing to say, and now all of a sudden you can’t stop talking—I want to know exactly how that happened?”

“I told you. The detective told me—”

“Which detective? From the city? Or from the county?”

“The city, I guess. Yeah, it was the city. We were here, this is City Hall, right? This is where we were. He had an Italian
name, Carlotti or somethin’ like that.”

“A city detective? Are you absolutely certain? Do you know what you are saying?”

“Yeah. I think. Why?”

“A
city
detective? The first time anybody mentioned a deal to you, it was a
city
detective? In City Hall, in this building we’re in now? He’s the first one who offered you a deal?”

“Yeah. He’s the first one I remember.”

“Officer? You in the back? Go find this detective, this Carlotti.”

Fischetti had been daydreaming. He stiffened and said, “What? Excuse me?”

“Wake up! Go find this detective, this Carlotti whoever.”

Councilman Figulli barely lifted his chin off his fist and piped up, “It’s Carlucci, Anna Mae, Carlucci, it ain’t Carlotti.rdquo;

“Well I don’t see his name on our witness list. Either one of those names. Why isn’t it? Does somebody want to explain that
to me? And when you’re through explaining that—whoever wants to try—would somebody please explain why a city detective is
investigating a city patrolman? I was told distinctly by the first assistant district attorney—and by the mayor—that county
detectives were the ones going to do the investigation into this. It’s ridiculous to have a city detective investigating this
shooting, it’s a gross conflict of interest, my God, can’t anybody else here see that? We’re going to be a laughingstock.
I can see the headlines now, for God’s sake. This is worse than embarrassing, it’s infuriating!”

“Aw calm down, Anna Mae, Mother a God, you’re hysterical, for Christ sake.”

“How dare you talk to me that way! You of all people, you think you can use that kind of language with me?!”

“That ain’t profanity, Anna Mae, that’s me prayin’. You know, like Jesus, please make her calm down.”

“Don’t you get snotty with me, Egidio. You of all people. And furthermore, you—you’re on the Safety Committee, are you telling
me you knew this investigation was being conducted by a city detective? And I suppose that little fact just slipped your mind,
is that it?”

“Relax, will ya? Will you relax? The county guys didn’t wanna have nothin’ to do with it. It’s a city matter, the city should
investigate it, whattaya think. If you had a TV, you might learn somethin’. If you watched
NYPD Blue
, you’d know that every time their cops do somethin’ wrong, you think they have somebody else come in and do the investigatin’?
They have guys from, uh, whatta they call it, IAD, Internal Affairs Division, that’s New York cops, Anna Mae, they come in,
they don’t bring outsiders in. County detectives, Mother a God, what’sa matter with you? Matter with you, what’sa matter with
me—what was I thinkin’?”

“This is not a TV show, you moron! Why Julie ever married you is one thing; how she stayed married to you after she actually
heard you talk is something Jesus himself couldn’t explain.”

“Aw that’s it, I’m outta here,” Figulli said, jumping up and heading for the back door. “You wanna play big-shot crusader,
fine. You can just go right ahead and play without me, I ain’t puttin’ up with another second of your crap, see you later,
alligator mouth.”

“This meeting’s still in session, you can’t walk out! You come back here! Come back here, Egidio, you’re out of order! Stop
him, Officer! Stop him!”

Fischetti shook his head as though to clear webs of confusion away. Before Fischetti could react, Figulli was by him and out
the door.

Valcanas leaned close to Rayford and whispered, “I’ve been practicin’ law so long, God, I honestly can’t remember when I started.
But this? I’ve never seen anything remotely like this. Gilbert and Sullivan couldn’t’ve written this.”

“Who?”

“Guess I’m not gonna make happy hour at Mr. P’s after all.”

“Who’d you say before? Gilbert and who?”

“Never mind. Coupla dead white guys. Probably wouldn’t think this was funny at all. Probably just me. And the more I think
about it, the more unfunny it gets—oh God, there she goes, stompin“’ out again. See, if we were in Jerusalem, Palestine, the
West Bank, someplace like that, at least when we left here today we could leave with some hope that somebody might think she
was important enough to assassinate. Where are all the terrorists when you really need one?”

V
ALCANAS WAVED
Hepburg over and led him off to a corner of the room.

“Hep, we gotta do something.”

“You’re telling me? Jesus, I knew it was gonna be bad after my first meeting with her, but I didn’t know how bad.”

“Well, listen, how would you feel if I called the DA, got him to explain the facts of life to her?”

“Oh hell, do it, I’ll dial the number for you, except it’s not gonna work. Woman’s a fanatic. Absolutely, positively, irrevocably
convinced plea bargaining is a plague, the curse of the system, it’s what’s destroying all our judicial values, you name it,
whatever cockamamie theory anybody ever had about our courts, she’s got it all boiled down to no more plea bargains, that’s
what’ll fix it. What’s the matter, Mo, you look like you don’t remember who she is.”

“I don’t. Should I? Who is she?”

“Hell, man, she’s the head case who ran against Failan for DA three, four elections ago—can’t remember which one myself—you
remember now?”

“I must’ve had a couple thousand too many martinis, no, I don’t remember her—oh wait. She the one ran against him and isn’t
an attorney?”

“Now you got her.”

“Oh for Christ sake. Well hell, it doesn’t matter, we’ve still gotta do something about her. Hep, I’m open for suggestions—I
may as well be pro bono here, but I don’t wanna go broke over this nonsense. I thought one morning, two witnesses, once Buczyk
got through we could wrap it up in the afternoon with the forensics.”

“Silly you. Anybody needs to go behind the woodshed for this, it’s Figulli. She was his idea.”

“Well what the hell’s he think he’s accompiishin’, walkin’ out? Just multiplied the misery. Listen, unless you got a better
idea, I’m callin’ Failan. He owes me a couple. And I’m gonna suggest to him as strongly as I can that he and Bellotti and
you and I sit her down and explain the facts of life, I mean, Christ, this keeps goin’ the way it’s goin’, there’s no tellin’
how long she’ll drag this out, now that she thinks she’s got a soapbox. I’m surprised she agreed to keep the doors closed.”

“Didn’t. She lost, two to one.”

“Should’ve known,” Valcanas said, patting all his pockets. “Now where the hell’d I put my cell phone?”

“Here,” Hepburg said, pulling his out. “Use mine.”

“Thanks. Wait, what kinda lever we got? If she’s not gonna listen to reason, we gotta have somethin’. What’s she got on Figulli?”

Hepburg shrugged. “If I knew, believe me, I would’ve used it before now.”

“Gotta be somethin’ ugly or he’d’ve never gone for it. Think Failan knows?”

“Anybody knows, it’s Bellotti,” Hepburg said. “Way he works, he wouldn’t have played along without knowin’. Tried to pump
him after that first meeting, he just smiled and waved me off.”

“Then he’s who we need to talk to. We all stand on his shoes at the same time, he’ll talk. I’m callin’ Failan, you go get
Bellotti, tell him this happy horseshit’s gotta stop—huh? Oh hello, darlin’, it’s Valcanas, let me talk to your boss …. no,
on his private line, please. Thank you.”

T
HEY WERE
in Mayor Angelo Bellotti’s office, they being Cone-maugh County District Attorney Howard Failan, City Solicitor Hepburg,
Panagios Valcanas, Mrs. Remaley, and the mayor.

Failan was, as usual, glad-handing everyone, using his most penetrating, most sincere eye-locking gaze, and saving the best
for Mrs. Remaley.

“Anna Mae, can’t tell you how good it is to see you again, we don’t see each other nearly enough, how’ve you been?”

“Mr. District Attorney, we have some problems—”

“Just last week, Marlene said to me, Howard, we have to have her over, and I said, well what’s stopping you, Marlene, pick
up the phone and call her—whattaya think she’s gonna do, turn down dinner! Not the Anna Mae I know—”

“Well I’m sure Marlene has better things to do, Howard—”