Saying Goodbye, Part Two (Passports and Promises Book 1) (4 page)

“Sorry. Nothing is coming out right tonight. I just want you to know I’m so embarrassed about what happened.”

“It’s cool. I’m really not upset. Just a little uncomfortable. And I don’t know how I’ll face Dr. Eshima tomorrow. I mean, I’ve seen him
naked.
Completely
naked.
”

She giggled. “Yeah. Me, too.”

I punched her in the arm. “When did this start?”

She sighed. “Back in the States. He came here so we could be together, but it’s not exactly working out as planned.”

“Why?”

“His parents live in Osaka, and they are pretty old school. They don’t like the idea of Hiro dating a
gaijin.”
She let out a groan. “It’s so frustrating. To the Japanese, I’m a foreigner. To Americans, I’m Asian. I mean, on Hawaii it wasn’t so bad, but on the mainland or here it’s awful. I don’t fit in anywhere.”

“How does Dr. Eshima…I mean
Hiro
feel about it?”

She hugged her arms around her body, her dark hair falling like a black, silky waterfall over her shoulder. “He says he loves me and wants to be with me. He insists it doesn’t matter to him, but he’s been away too long. He’s their only son. He has certain responsibilities. It won’t be long before he wakes up and realizes he can’t be with me. It’ll make his parents miserable. I should probably end it now before he does, self-preservation and all that.”

“Or maybe you could, uh,
try
before you give up and run away?”

She gave me a sad little smile. “That, my friend, is the pot calling the kettle black.”

I lay back on the floor and stared up at the ceiling. “Oh, my gosh. You’re right.”

She put her head beside mine. “I’m glad to be able to talk with you about this.”

“Me, too, but I just realized something.”

“What?”

“We’re lying on the exact spot on the floor where you just had sex with my kanji teacher.”

Hana laughed, and all was well between us again, but I felt oddly restless. The conversation with Thomas, coming right after seeing Hana and Hiro in mid-coitus, left me yearning. Not for sex, but to connect with another person. Touch them. Hold them in my arms. Allow myself to be held. Those things seemed so simple to me before, but impossible right now.

I sighed and stepped into the bathroom after Hana fell asleep so I could FaceTime my mom, something I did every single day. Although I knew what she would say, “No change, no improvement, be patient,” I still kept hoping today might be different. I waited for a conversation that carried some hope; one that allowed me to believe Dylan might get better. One that would let me move on with my life.

As soon as my mom answered my call, I could tell. Dylan still hadn’t gotten better. Nothing had changed. Today was not that day.

CHAPTER FOUR

I
put on a black sparkly mini dress and black tights to wear to the karaoke bar, and then realized everything I’d brought with me to Japan was either black or gray.

“It’s like I’m in mourning,” I said with a frown. “I used to wear actual colors.”

“You look adorable. As always. But do you want to borrow something of mine?”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. I just noticed it, that’s all.”

Hana had decided to come with us. Hiro had gone to visit his parents for the evening, and she felt a little bleak. She needed cheering up, and a drink. I planned to help her with both.

The wind howled and by the time we arrived, our cheeks glowed pink from the cold. Thomas still didn’t have a coat on, but he wore long sleeves.

“It’s a touch nippy this evening, isn’t it?” he asked as we came through the door of the building, shivering. “But still quite lovely for the end of January.”

Hana stared at Thomas as he rolled up his sleeves. We still hadn’t let go of our coats. “What is wrong with him?”

“He’s impervious to cold. Just ignore him.”

“I’m not dainty like the two of you.” He gave us a wink. “Hula Dancer and Sorority Girl.”

“I don’t hula,” growled Hana.

“But I bet you could if you tried,” he said.

After a few drinks, it turned out he was right. Hana could do a mean hula. Eventually, I got up on the table and joined her. When Thomas tried his hand at it, we both nearly fell off, laughing.

Thomas helped me down, lifting me off the table like I weighed nothing. Malcolm helped Hana. His friend Kylie clapped and cheered.

With her flaming red curls and beautiful green eyes, Kylie had the kind of face and figure that got a lot of male attention. Although she looked close to us in age, she acted more mature and worldly somehow.

We were sufficiently toasted by the time the singing started. The Japanese took karaoke very seriously. A large screen in the center of the room played a music video with the words to the songs scrolling across. English selections were somewhat limited, and most had videos that had absolutely nothing to do with the music. The Beatles seemed very popular, as did Elvis Presley. Thomas almost made me wet my pants when he attempted
Jailhouse Rock,
and I laughed until I cried when Hana got up to sing
Imagin
e. She didn’t know a video played behind her showing two Japanese people locked in a passionate, naked embrace.  She glanced over her shoulder in the middle of the song, and must have realized it looked an awful lot like what I’d walked into last night. She turned, her eyes meeting mine and we both lost it. Completely. Thomas and Malcolm got up to help her with the last chorus, but she couldn’t do it. Every time she tried to sing, she’d look at the screen and burst out laughing.

They finished the song for her, horribly and loudly, then Kylie and Hana pulled me up to the microphone with them. They chose
It’s In His Kiss
, and made me sing the lead part. They took back up, which involved a lot of “shoop, shoop,” but it was adorable and the perfect song for my voice.

I knew I could sing. I’d had the lead role in our high school musical every single year, and had even sung at several weddings. Thomas didn’t realize this, however. His jaw dropped as soon as I started, which made me play it up even more. We danced and got into it, coordinating our movements. Thomas watched, transfixed, and I kept my gaze glued to his face, singing for him.

When we finished, the entire bar exploded in applause. We really did sound pretty good, but most of the patrons just appreciated something semi-decent after Thomas nearly made their ears bleed. When I came off stage, he lifted me into his arms and swung me around.

“You were holding out on me, Sam. You never told me you could sing.”

He still held me high in the air. My hands rested on his shoulders, and I grinned down at him. “You don’t know all my secrets, Mr. MacGregor.”

“But I want to,” he said softly, all teasing gone and his face full of longing. I bit my lip, not sure what to do. He gave me a sad smile and put me back down. When my toes hit the ground, I backed away from him. Every moment we spent together weakened my resolve. Hana had been completely right. Thomas was like crack for a boyfriend addict like me.

We found a quiet alcove with long velvet couches and sat down. Hana chatted with some of the other ruggers. Thomas and Malcolm went up the bar to get drinks. Kylie watched them go.

“How long have you and Thomas been a couple?” she asked.

I blinked. “We’re not.”

Thomas turned and waved from the bar. He stood next to the dark-haired, gray-eyed Malcolm, and although Malcolm was tall, Thomas dwarfed him. Thomas dwarfed everyone. I started to suspect he might be half giant or something, like a character in a fairy tale. Normal people did not grow as big as Thomas.

“It certainly seems that way,” she said. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine. Thomas and I are just friends. Good friends. Like you and Malcolm. There is nothing romantic there at all.”

“So, he’s like your big, gorgeous, extremely sexy Scottish brother?”

“Kind of. Although, I don’t quite think of him in those terms.”

She watched him, her cat-like eyes moving up and down his body and spending a little too much time on his bottom. “You wouldn’t mind if I have a go, then?”

I ignored the immediate rush of jealousy I experienced, and shook my head. “Of course not.”

I spent the rest of the evening watching Kylie hit on Thomas, and watching other men hit on Kylie. I drank more than I should have, and as I drank I became more and more irritated, although I couldn’t exactly understand why. Kylie had been perfectly nice, even if she did flirt. A lot. The guys remained attentive and kind, no matter how quiet and grumpy I became. Thomas didn’t do anything wrong. He seemed a bit confused by Kylie’s sudden interest in him, but acted like a perfect gentleman. For some reason, I decided he was the one who’d ticked me off. When Malcolm asked me if I’d like another beer, Thomas answered for me.

“I think Sam has had enough.”

I gave him a tight little smile. “I think Sam can decide that on her own, thank you very much.”

He narrowed his eyebrows at me. “And when Sam begins referring to herself in the third person, I believe it’s time to stop.”

I kept the smile frozen on my face and replied through gritted teeth. “It’s really none of your concern, is it?” I turned to Kylie. “So where do you work?”

I assumed she taught somewhere. English schools had popped up on every corner in Japan, like Starbucks back home. Some very official programs had the sponsorship of the Japanese government and hired only college graduates. Others were fly-by-night and hired anyone with a tourist visa willing to risk deportation to teach English under the counter. I guessed Kylie worked at one of those schools, but I was wrong.

“I worked as a nurse back in Australia,” she said, her green eyes clear and very direct. “But here I’m a hostess. I get paid ridiculous amounts of money to sit in a bar and chat with Japanese businessmen.”

My jaw dropped. “That’s a
job
? That sounds more like…like…”

“Prostitution? I don’t sleep with my customers, Sam. There are very strict rules at the bar where I work. It’s actually a rather classy establishment.”

I took another swig of beer. “What are the rules?”

She folded her napkin in her lap, looking every inch the lady. “Well, they are allowed to touch me on the arm and on the shoulder. They can touch my thigh up to the hem of my skirt. They are allowed to touch my face and play with my hair. If they pay extra, and I’m amiable, they can touch my breasts, but only for a few seconds and only through my clothing. Does that answer your question?”

I nodded, feeling a bit ill. “It doesn’t…bother you?”

She shook her head, her pretty face suddenly hard. “Jobs in Australia are few and far between. I make as much here in one night as I would in a week back home. I’m young and free and I get to wear pretty clothes and work in a posh place with decent people. There are far worse jobs. One of my friends works in what they call
soapland
. It’s bloody awful. She has to cover herself and her customers in lubricant and massage and rub against them until they get off.”

“Is that legal?”

She shrugged. “Prostitution itself is technically illegal in Japan. Soapland
is about as close as you can get without being the real thing. No penetration means no prostitution.”

Another wave of nausea swept over me. “It’s disgusting.”

“It’s reality, and it’s a lot of money. Not everyone can be a scholar. Not everyone can come here on a student visa and spend their days learning about the sunny parts of Japan. You’ll go home and talk about silk kimonos and golden temples, but you’ll never realize you’ve only seen half of the truth. Every coin has two sides. You’re only looking at one.”

“Show me the other half.”

Thomas looked at me in shock. “What the bloody hell are you talking about? You’re making Kylie uncomfortable.”

“She’s not,” said Kylie. “What do you mean, Sam?”

“You’re right. I’m here to learn about everything, not just what can be found in my textbooks. I want to see the real Japan, all of it, good and bad. Can I go to work with you sometime? Just to see what it’s like?”

“No,” said Thomas, shaking his head. “I will not permit it.”

Kylie, Hana, and I all looked at him with identical annoyed expressions. Even Malcolm seemed surprised. “Sorry, Thomas. I have to side with the sheilas on this one. It’s up to Sam whether she wants to see where Kylie works or not.”

“She’s drunk,” he said. “She’s not thinking clearly.”

I glared at him. “You don’t understand. I have to do this, Thomas.”

“Why?” he asked, his blue eyes filled with confusion. He thought I wanted to hook up with someone. The idea made my nausea even worse.

“Excuse me,” I said as my stomach clenched. I ran out of the bar and just made it to the sidewalk before getting sick. I hadn’t done this since my birthday. I leaned against the wall as tears streamed down my face. That was the first time I’d seen Dylan drink, and the last time everything in our relationship had felt normal. I remembered the awful, dirty, impersonal sex we’d had that night. Was it really so different from what those women did at soapland
?
I was nothing but a hypocrite. My belly heaved again, but there was nothing left to throw up.

“Are you all right, Sam?”

Thomas stood behind me. I waved a hand at him.

“Go away.”

“I think it’s time to take you home.”

I wiped my tears with the back of my hands, and then turned to look at him. “It’s only a few blocks. I’ll be fine on my own.”

“What’s going on, Sam?”

The pleading note in his voice made me stop, my back to him. He had my coat in his hands and put it around me. I hadn’t realized I’d left it in the bar. He squeezed my shoulders gently, leaning forward until his forehead touched the back of my head.

“Tell me, Sam. Please.”

I let out a long, shaky breath. “It’s a long story. And complicated.”

“I’ve got nothing but time.”

I texted Hana to let her know I was fine. She said Malcolm and Kylie would take her home. Thomas and I found a quiet coffee shop. He insisted I eat, ordering each of us a slice of pie and tea with milk and sugar.

When the pie came, I stared at it, thinking of my mom and Thanksgiving and home. It felt like everything had happened so long ago.

“I’m not the sort of person you want to be around.”

He stirred his tea, and then stirred mine as well. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

“You don’t understand.”

He took my icy hand in his warm one and stroked the back with his thumb. My entire body hummed to life at the small caress. I really was on dangerous ground here. I pulled my hand away and put it on my lap.

“Enlighten me, Sam. Tell me why you’re so terrible.”

“Fine.” I swallowed hard, my eyes downcast. “I told you about my ex.”

“That he’s ill?”

I nodded. “Not in the way you probably think, though. Dylan had a history of mental issues. Depression. Anxiety. Suicide attempts. I didn’t know about it when we started dating. We got serious pretty quickly, but things went downhill just as fast. He broke up with me on Halloween. It came as a relief, truth be told. I wanted out, but didn’t know how to do it.”

I let out a shaky sigh. I just had to say it or I’d never be able to tell him. “Two weeks later, I went to his apartment to check on him. He looked like a corpse. He’s been in the hospital ever since. Severely depressed. Nearly catatonic. On suicide watch. I call my mom every day, but it never changes. He isn’t getting better. It’s all my fault.”

Thomas took a long sip of his tea. “I ken why you’re upset. I feel bad for Dylan, too. But I don’t understand why you blame yourself.”