Scared of Beautiful (7 page)

The fact that Jade is a lesbian has no bearing on how I feel about her as my friend. But I’m not good with words; I don’t know how to console or counsel people, so I do the only thing I can. I walk over to her bed and wordlessly place my arms around her neck in a tight hug. She hugs me back before grabbing my shoulders and pushing me back. “You’re a good friend,” she says. “But can you be a better friend and please go and fucking talk to Jackson, so he can stop blowing up my phone? He’s been nagging me all day. He’s a whiny bitch, you know. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when he starts getting on your nerves.”

She smiles at me cheekily. I grab my bag and make my way towards the door. “Maia,” Jade calls as I turn the handle. “Hurt him, and as much as I love you, I may have to kill you.”

I turn to her, grinning, but my smile quickly fades as I realize that the expression on her face is anything but playful. “The last few years for him have been anything but pleasant,” she trails off, and I decide to broach
that
subject later. At the moment I need to apologize to Jackson for being such a bitch to him.

“I love you too, even if you are a crazy bitch,” I call over my shoulder as I close the door.

* * *

Making my way to Jackson’s dorm room, Jade’s story plays over and over again in my head. Maybe it’s because I grew up with the continual judgment that is rife within the upper echelons of New York society, but I never understood why people could be such assholes. Still, Jade was guaranteed to have at least one friend besides Jackson who didn’t give a shit about her sexual orientation. I round the corner to Jackson’s dorm, cursing myself for wearing wedge heels for the trek halfway across the campus. I’m relieved to see the Mustang is parked in the lot out front. I’m surprised when butterflies explode in my stomach as I climb the stairs to the second floor, and I realize that I haven’t considered what the hell I’m going to say to him when I get there.
No point in chickening out now
.

I knock twice, and just when I think that he may not be there after all, the door swings open, and there Jackson stands in all his godlike glory. I seem to have momentarily lost the ability to speak because he opens the door in a pair of grey sweatpants, sans shirt. His body is lean, but I could definitely do a week’s washing on the abs displayed before me.
God damn!

“So, are you finally satisfied that nothing conjugal happened here this morning?” He leans against the door frame, crossing his arms across his chest. The tattoo that I noticed on his left tricep the first day we met is an intricately designed infinity symbol, with a phrase interwoven between the loops.
He infuriates me when he’s so cocky!

“I’m never satisfied, haven’t you noticed?” I tease before strutting past him into the room. The satisfaction of knowing that Jackson isn’t, in fact, a lying sack of shit has given me this confidence that I really didn’t know I had.

“
We’ll see
,” he murmurs as he follows me in and closes the door.

I try to distract myself from shirtless Jackson by looking through the books on his desk, but before I get to the second one, his strong arms wrap around my waist from behind. He gently kisses the nape of my neck, and a burning heat races through my body. I turn to face him, leaning back onto the desk. “What makes you think my forgiveness entitles you to free run over my body?” I ask coyly.

“I didn’t say it did,” he answers. “Look,” he says twirling a lock of my hair between his fingers. “I like you, and I don’t know what Jade may have said to you, but I’m not the man-whore she thinks I am. So just say when, and I’ll be the perfect gentleman until then. No questions asked.” He reaches for my waist and pulls me into him. “Now, I’m not saying that it’s not going be hard as a motherfucker, no pun intended, and if I see you every day, it may involve some really long cold showers.”

I lift myself onto the desk and pull him towards me. If I’m honest, I’m scared of what will happen next. Jackson makes me laugh, and I can’t help but feel comfortable when I’m with him. “Good girls don’t give up anything to someone they met four days ago,” I say, and as I do the cold realization hits me that I have only known Jackson for four days. Questions fly through my mind. Like if he can be trusted not to play around with my feelings, whether he really is interested in me or interested in getting into my pants. Or my wallet.

Jade’s words flash back in my mind, and an image of my ex-boyfriend, Bryce, assaults my consciousness. And before I have a choice in the matter, emotional walls fly up around everything that I’m feeling for Jackson. My body tenses, and I look up to see the confusion on his face as he notices me push him away.

Jackson

There is no doubt that I would love nothing more than to have my way with Maia right here and now, but I meant what I said about genuinely liking her. The last thing I want to do is make myself out to be some sex-crazed player. So, as much as it’s probably gonna kill me that I had this girl alone in my room and didn’t pursue that angle, I lean back. That, and I notice that Maia’s body has visibly tensed in the last minute or so. The crazy, sexy girl that had her legs around my waist with nothing but clothing separating us has apparently disappeared and now the position we’re in is just awkward. “Something wrong?” I ask, lifting her chin to meet my eyes. She looks almost sad when she peers up at me.

“I…um…I…this is maybe just moving a little too fast.”

Her and I both know what she means. She’s not talking about the potential sex; it’s the fact that neither her nor I can seem to stay away from each other. Maia makes me feel alive again, which is some crazy shit to admit given that I’ve known her for such a short while and most of that time, she’s been, well, a bit of a bitch. The thought of her body this close to mine is driving me fucking insane. Truthfully I would gladly wait for Maia as long as she needed me to, although I seriously hope that’s not her intention. A few more episodes like this one and I’ll probably find myself staring at four white walls wearing a straitjacket.

She stares at me with those big brown eyes of hers and laces her fingers behind my neck. “I just mean that maybe we can try being friends, casual for a while,” she continues.

And that means
, I’m not screwing you yet, but if you have any intentions of screwing me in the future, you won’t screw anyone else right now
. In plain and simple guy language, that is.

“I’m fine with that,” I reply, realizing that even with the insane amount of testosterone flowing through my body right now, I genuinely am.

For the next few hours, we lay on my bed, me propped up against the wall with her head resting in my lap. A few times, I get nervous at the fact that my body’s reaction to her sheer hotness and the fact that she’s sprawled across my bed may cause my body to react and involuntarily concuss the poor girl, but I steer my mind to dead puppies and Unicef commercials before my thoughts have a chance to get away from me.

Maia tells me about growing up privileged, and from the way she talks, I gather that she all but hated it. She does smile when she talks about her grandparents and that fact that even though they were loaded, they were still very sweet. Her mother was a foster child, so she has no idea of her maternal grandparents. She briefly mentions that her father is some hotshot investment banker and that her mother is a housewife. Though the situation is intimate and the conversation is deep, Maia appears to skim over her past vaguely, not offering too much information on any one thing.

I tell her about my parents, how my father is half Caucasian and half African American, and my mother is Hispanic, so I’m a mixed breed of the highest proportion. I tell her how Jade and I met, and that I dated her best friend Shana for a while so that’s when we got close.

I feel guilty for not telling Maia more about Shana, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to. I don’t love Shana anymore, that I can guarantee, but I get the impression from Maia that until she trusts me, that’s the kind of thing that would send her running.
And chasing her is damn hard work!
So I briefly skim over that facts, telling her that I worked at my father’s mechanic shop for 4 years before coming to Brown, neglecting to mention the reason why I stayed in Atlanta for so long.
And I feel like a fucking liar
. We’re obviously both not telling each other the whole truth, so I guess we’re even. Some shit just goes too deep to talk about sometimes. I get that. Although I find myself wishing I knew what she wasn’t telling me.

Her phone rings a few times as we’re talking, but she glances at the screen and silences every call. When she goes to the bathroom and leaves it on the bed, I steal a glance at the missed calls, knowing that I shouldn’t and hoping that I don’t see the name of some random dude, or a number of them for that matter. Call me cynical but when your first love leaves you without an explanation, you get kind of paranoid about the shit around you. I’m relieved to see that all of the missed calls are from her mother.

I offer to drive Maia back to her dorm when we realize that it’s nearly one o’clock in the morning. On the way, she talks about her creepy Comparative Literature professor, who’s about seventy five and appears to be undressing the female students with his eyes whenever he asks a question. She shudders at the thought, and I laugh at her disgust. She playfully punches me in the arm.

I walk her up to the dorm and she leans in to innocently kiss me goodbye, only we find ourselves pressed against the wall next to her dorm door, with her hands under my shirt.
Fuck me
, this is going to be difficult, this friends first thing. I see myself spending many hours in a long, cold shower over the coming weeks.

Suddenly, the door swings open, and a sleepy-eyed Jade peers into the hallway.
Fuck!
But thank God for the intervention, because my resistance was weakening in this hallway. Her eyes widen as she takes us in and says, “Y’all are noisy as hell, and some of us are trying to sleep. Wanna bring it inside and I’ll leave?” She flashes a cheeky smile.

“I was just going,” I answer.

“Going or coming?” she asks coyly.

Maia’s cheeks flush all kinds of red, redder than I had them a few seconds ago.

“Breakfast tomorrow?” Jade asks the both of us.

“Sure,” I answer. “Don’t have classes till eleven.”

“I have one at eight so I’ll have to pass,” replies Maia.

I’m slightly gutted to hear this. “Pick you up at eight then,” I say to Jade, before turning to Maia. “Sweet dreams,” I say, flashing her my most suggestive grin before I turn and walk off.

I drive home anxiously awaiting that cold shower. Besides the fact that Maia makes me want to throw her over my bed every time she’s around, she also makes me want to stay up talking ‘til all hours. Most women are confusing as shit, but Maia is on a level of her own. She doesn’t trust men; that I got from her tonight. So, I’ll have to remedy that first. But she also skimmed over the details of her life as if she was recounting a bad movie. I understand personal shit, I have a lot of it that has done some damage to me, but hers I think is on a whole other level. I decide that whatever she wants to tell me, she will, eventually. As long as she doesn’t lie; after Shana, lies are a deal breaker for me.

I took a cold shower last night, but the memory of Maia and I pressed against that dorm wall forces me to take another one in the morning. Jade is waiting outside the dorm when I arrive, perched casually against the small wall along the perimeter, playing with her phone. She walks over, and I have to admit that Jade is smoking hot, even though I don’t look at her that way anymore. She’s also not as hot as Maia. But post a picture of her online with a tag that says lesbian, and men the whole world over would cry tears of joy and sorrow, all at once.

“Hey!” she greets as she falls into the passenger seat. She wears the same irritating ‘
I know what you did’
grin that she wore last night. I sigh, knowing that she’s just giving me time to drive far enough from the dorm that I can’t turn around and drop her ass right back there before she launches a probe. “So, I see you wasted no time in corrupting my innocent roommate,” she says sarcastically.

And there it is
. “I did not corrupt anyone, Jade, I returned her the way I found her. Just smiling a whole lot more,” I retort, grinning. This is what happens when Jade and I converse. Two smartasses together.

“That you did,” she laughs, “whatever you did had her walking out of the dorm room wearing the goofiest grin I have ever seen. And that’s no small feat. Maia has turned down every dude that has approached her since I’ve known her. And she very rarely smiles, either. So you, my friend, clearly have the magic stick.”

We arrive at the Bean and walk in. “It wasn’t even like that,” I say to Jade.
But oh, how I wish it had been
. “I didn’t bang her, if that’s what you’re asking.”
And that took every inch of will power and restraint that I had
.