Scary Dead Things - 02 (18 page)

* * *

I filled them in on my adventures on the other side of the world from start to finish, making it a point to pay extra attention to my day of unrelenting lust. By the time I was finished, a good hour had been killed.

I concluded my tale with, “So what do you think? Pretty goddamn intense trip, eh?”

Ed and Tom gave each other a glance from across the table. Finally, Tom spoke up. “Three chicks, huh?” I nodded smugly at him. He continued, “And do you happen to have any proof of this holy grail of scoredom?”

“What do you mean,
proof
?” I asked.

“Exactly that,” Tom said. “We're talking panties, interesting marks on your body, video...”

Ed then jumped in, “In short, what we’re trying to say is...pics, or it didn't happen.”

“My cell phone was dead,” I replied.

“Likely story.”

“Seriously. Have you ever been to a Mongolian vampire village?” I asked them. “We’re talking
Gilligan’s Island
here...like Robinson Crusoe, it’s as primitive as can be.”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh, come on!” I spat. “Don't tell me you think I'm making this shit up.”

“Well, I mean, look at it from our viewpoint,” replied Tom. “No pics. No witnesses. Seems a bit too convenient to me.”

Ed nodded and added, “You gotta admit, Bill, this sounds suspiciously like the ‘old girlfriend from Canada’ routine.”

“We're not in high school,” I pointed out.

“And you have to admit you're probably a little vulnerable right now,” Tom jumped in with a condescending tone. “I've been dating Christy. Ed asked out your uber hot sidekick. No one would blame you for feeling a little inadequate after your little failure to ask out that prospect from your office.”

I turned to Ed. “You
told
him?”

“How could I not?” Ed replied with a shrug.

“My god, I’m surrounded by assholes,” I said, putting my head in my hands.

* * *

They let me wallow in my own misery, standup guys that they were, for a few minutes before Ed changed the subject. “I think we're overlooking something major here. Forgetting Bill's imaginary orgies for a second, what the hell would be ballsy enough to take on a bunch of pissed off vampires? That's the part that worries me. If there's something nastier out there than your buddies, Bill, I'd sure as shit like to know about it.”

“No idea,” I said, eager to move away from any further mental torment, lest my roommates eventually convince me that the whole thing happened only in my mind. Fuck them and their Vulcan mind tricks!

“Did you see whatever it was?”

“Only glimpses,” I replied. “Whatever they were, they were big motherfuckers.”

“Werewolves?” asked Tom.

“Nah. I don't think so,” I answered. “Besides, didn't Sally say werewolves were just make believe?”

“She could've lied,” he countered, a little defensively. “I don't know about you, but it just doesn't seem fair to live in a world where vampires exist and werewolves don't. I mean, if there's no war between the vamps and the lycans, then there's no reason for Kate Beckinsale to run around in skintight leather.”

“Girlfriend or not, you really need to get out more,” Ed replied.

“And yet you both dare to pity me,” I pointed out before getting back on track. “No, let's assume Sally wasn't bullshitting us...at least this once. That still leaves us with something really nasty out there. Whatever it was, it wasn't human - and it sure as shit wasn't afraid of vampires.”

“Why can't supernatural monsters ever be friendly?” Tom asked.

“Tell me about it,” I agreed. “I'd just about give my left kidney to meet
Casper
and find out he was an honest to goodness friendly ghost.”

“Did this Khan guy...” Ed said, and then immediately held up his hand to Tom, “no Trek jokes. Save it for later.” He then turned back to me. “Did the Khan give you anything on them?”

“He wasn't all that talkative. Not a whole lot of deep meaningful conversation coming out of that one...unless you speak Mongolian, that is.”

“What about from your buddy Ozymandias?” Ed continued.

“James? No. He was a little evasive. Said I didn't need to know, that I was safe in the city...oh wait! I think he called them something.”

“What?”

“Not sure,” I replied. “I was kind of busy shitting my pants at the time. What the fuck did he call them?” I thought about it for a second. “It was something that started with an A, I think.”

“Alligator?” Tom chimed in. “Maybe the vampires are warring with the alligator people.”

I sighed, turning to him. “You know, you might want to give a warning to your new girlfriend. She might want to avoid trying to fuck your brains out, since you already have a major deficiency in that department.”

“Let's concentrate here,” said Ed. “
A
...what, Bill?”

“No idea.”

“Maybe we should get the dictionary,” Ed suggested. “We could start going through the A's for anything that sounded threatening.”

“You're out of your mind,” replied Tom. “We do that, and we'll be up
all
fucking night.”

“All!” I suddenly shot out.

“All what?”

“It was all-something,” I said, trying to concentrate. “Give me a second. It's right on the tip of my tongue. All...all...alma! I think he called them the alma.”

“What the fuck's an alma?” asked Ed.

“Sounds like a fat chick name,” said Tom, rather unhelpfully.

“I'm pretty sure the vampires weren't attacked by a pack of fat chicks.”

“Maybe they heard that vampires were made of cake,” Tom replied with a dickheaded smirk.

I turned back to Ed. “Let's ignore him now, shall we?”

“Gladly. Well, it's not much to go on, but I guess we can look into it,” Ed said, and then yawned. “But maybe tomorrow. I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of beat.”

“Sally took that much out of you?”

“Heh,” Ed chuckled. “When you're dating a girl like her, you tend to overanalyze even the smallest of things. You know, stuff like will she rip my arm out of its socket if I try to hold her hand? It makes for a slightly more stressful than average evening.”

The thing about phantom, non-immediate threats is that they tend to be easily distracted from. Thus our research into giant vampire-hating beasts was almost immediately derailed by our normal everyday activities, be that as they may. A quick check of my email the next morning provided me with the realization that I’d missed several days of work without bothering to let anybody know. I may be an immortal creature of the night, but I was young enough that the fear of unemployment was still ingrained into my mind. I thus kicked my ass into high gear and dove straight into work, all thoughts of Mongolian mist monsters forgotten.

My roommates must have also gotten back to tending to their lives because we didn't speak of it again, at least not for the time being. Fortunately for me, I was still technically on my vampirecation, thus between my nights being free (
yeah, yeah, I don't need to be reminded of how pathetic that is
) and my enhanced vampiric typing speed, I was able to catch up to my workload in just a few days and maybe even push a little bit ahead of schedule.

In some ways, those few days were kind of nice. Aside from my powers and tendency to drench all my food in blood, I actually felt kind of normal. It was relaxing.

Needless to say, it didn't last.

On Thursday night, I got a somewhat frantic call from Sally. Tom was out with Christy again, and Ed was off puttering around somewhere. It was probably for the best, as they'd no doubt want to tag along on any adventures I was stupid enough to find myself in. Anyway, my phone rang, and Sally's voice greeted me.

“I think you need to get over here,” she said.

“What - no hello, how are you?”

“We don't have time for this crap, Bill.”

“We never just talk anymore,” I said with a fake sigh and then smiled. Regardless of the urgency, it felt good to have Sally on the receiving end for a change. “OK, so what's up?”

“There's
something
here!”

“Define something and here.”

She mumbled something under her breath before continuing. I didn't catch it, but I would have bet money that there was also an accompanying eye-roll. “I'm here outside of the office. Something just burst in a little while ago, and all hell broke loose. Whatever it is, it's been calling your name.”

“My name?” I asked. Oh, here comes that sinking feeling again.

“Yes,
your
name.”

“Did you see what it was?” I asked into the receiver.

There was a pause. “No, I...”

“You
what
?”

“Fine! As soon as the ruckus started, I got out of there.”

“Nice display of leadership there, MacArthur,” I quipped.

“Fuck you.”

“I knew one day you'd beg me for it.” Hot damn, I was loving this. Although if something had Sally frazzled, then perhaps now might not be the best time to enjoy rubbing it in. Ah, fuck it! I could help out
and
enjoy Sally's discomfort at the same time. “OK, aside from running away, have you done anything?”

“I sent Brian and Dusk Reaper in to see if they could root it out,” she answered, no doubt swallowing whatever venom she wanted to hurl at me.

“And?”

“And Dusk Reaper came back out...or ran back out. Brian didn't.” Shit! I was kind of hoping it would have been Dusk Reaper who bought it. That guy was a serious douchebag. Yeah, I know, horrible thing to say, but true...so sue me.

“Alright I'm heading over. Try to barricade the door until I get there,” I said.

“Way ahead of you,
boss
,” she said and hung up.