Scary Mommy's Guide to Surviving the Holidays (5 page)

13

TEN PEOPLE IN THE GROCERY STORE THE MORNING OF THANKSGIVING

by Sarah Cottrell

H
ave you ever tried to go shopping the day of a major holiday? It is a freak-show nightmare to behold complete with a cast of outrageous characters. I may dillydally with nearly every other aspect of my life, but I don't mess around with the holidays. Although I am not an organized person by nature, I try my best to get my shit together during Thanksgiving in order to fool my family into thinking that I can pull off a Rockwell delusion for at least a day.

I stick to the same list I use every year and I try like hell to get to the grocery store
at least
three days before showtime in order
to avoid meeting these ten kinds of shoppers:

1.
 
THE EXHAUSTED MOM.
 Her eyes are glazed over with visions of pumpkin spice Xanax dancing through her head, which makes her easy to spot from three aisles away. Her cart is brimming over with regular groceries, last-minute holiday staples, bribery snacks, and wild children hanging off the side of the cart begging, taunting, and pleading their way through the stadium-sized store.

2.
 
THE HOARDER.
 This asshole is over in aisle four shoving an armful of discounted Thanksgiving items like canned pumpkin pie filling or bagged stuffing into her cart. She doesn't share. And hot damn if you happen to
need
a bag of stale, cubed bread, because this lady will give you the stink eye as you make a gesture toward the last remaining bag on the shelf.

3.
 
THE BOUGIE DOUCHE BAG.
 We have all heard the Bougie Douche Bag broadcasting an urgent need to the store clerk. This person needs stupid things like upcycled turkey frills or octopus ink extract or expeller-pressed ginger root for their
amazing
dinner. Cost is no problem, but time is, so hurry the hell up!

4.
 
THE MARTHA ON CRACK.
 Imagine Martha Stewart on crack.
On Thanksgiving Day
. She is literally (no, really, not figuratively) running through the store looking for more butternut squash and nutmeg. She will elbow you out of the way and probably swear under her minty-fresh breath as she bolts toward the checkout, whereupon she will cause a scene because her card won't work, she doesn't have cash, and fuck if her checkbook isn't in the car.

5.
 
THE VILLIAGE IDIOT.
 This jackass will announce to anyone within earshot just how ridiculous it is that there is a line at the grocery store on Thanksgiving morning. If that is not annoying enough, this social moron will give condescending remarks on everyone in the store and mock the choice of items that these people are hastily trying to purchase.

6.
 
THE COUPONER.
 A major holiday will not stop this person from holding up a goddamn line of aggressive shoppers while she searches through her wad of coupons in order to save thirty-three cents on a can of cranberry sauce. After the cursory twelve minutes of forcing everyone to wait, she will announce that she brought her own bags. She just has to find them in her oversized purse.

7.
 
THE STALKER.
 This person has
no idea
what to buy. Instead of arriving to the store prepared with a list, this innovative procrastinator will hunt down the most mom-looking shopper in the store and quietly follow her to copycat shop. Sometimes the stalker will make small talk with the mom shopper to figure out her menu.

8.
 
THE DESPERATE SPOUSE.
 Probably the easiest to spot, the desperate spouse will have a cart filled with booze and a look of fear and dread on his or her face. Because in-laws. One can even tell that this shopper is actively trying to avoid home by the concentrated interest in reading labels or by the number of laps around the store completed.

9.
 
THE NEWBIE WIFE.
 She is so cute; the newbie wife who is trying
so hard
to impress her brand-spanking-new husband and his
family. Dressed in her holiday best, complete with an apron and pearl necklace, she is rushing through the store trying to find items that she forgot to buy last week. She looks like she might start crying or sucker-punch anyone who asks her if she needs assistance as she looks for a Wi-Fi signal to check Pinterest for that gravy recipe.

10.
 
THE CLUELESS HUSBAND.
 With an indecipherable list clutched in his meaty hands, this guy will be headed directly to the beer aisle before he even tries to figure out what the hell cream of tartar is. Passersby will likely mistake him for a caveman as he grunts at the list with confused, squinty eyes before he gives up and calls his wife for directions.

14

SHOW-STEALING MOLASSES COOKIES

by Jessica Griffin

T
hese molasses cookies are pretty much like a party in your mouth. Seriously, man. Ginger, cloves, cinnamon, and brown sugar? I make them from early fall all the way through New Year's. Oh, who am I kidding? I make them year-round and they show up at every family gathering. It's tradition! (Cue
Fiddler on the Roof
music.)

But, here is the beauty of this simple cookie: they dress up the cliché Thanksgiving Cool Whip dessert buffet and steal the show at a summer BBQ when served with fresh peaches and vanilla ice cream. Yes, I have even gone so far as to give them as presents. Wrap them up in some cute parchment paper with twine and fresh rosemary—boom, you have just been included in the lucky recipient's will.

Be warned: once you start making these cookies you are essentially agreeing to bring them to every gathering you attend, for like forever.

¾ cup canola oil

½ cup granulated sugar

½ cup brown sugar

¼ cup blackstrap molasses

1 egg

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

2 teaspoons baking soda

2 cups all-purpose flour

½ teaspoon ground cloves

½ teaspoon ground ginger

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

½ teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350 and line two baking sheets with parchment paper.

Cream oil, both sugars, molasses, egg, and vanilla in a large bowl until creamy. If you use mixer, use the paddle attachment on a stand mixer at medium speed. When adding flour mixture, turn the speed to low until well combined (or cream by hand).

Mix the baking soda, flour, spices and salt together in a small bowl and gradually add to your wet ingredients. Mix gently until well combined. At this point you may refrigerate dough if it is too soft to roll into balls.

Scoop dough into 1-inch balls and roll in granulated sugar. Place about 3 inches apart—cookies will spread somewhat.

Bake for about 10 minutes or just until tops start to have a crackled appearance. Don't overbake! Let them sit on cookie sheet until cooled and then hide them until ready to serve.

15

BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILY

by Janie Emaus

T
he holidays bring out the best and the worst in families.

Who among us has not been tortured by an uncle who loves to tell jokes? The same ones, mind you. Year after year after boring year. Sitting next to him for the entire meal does not make for good digestion.

Or the aunt who is stuck in time, bringing gifts for teenagers that are better suited for ten-year-olds.

And how about the grandmother who complains that the coffee isn't hot enough and the pie doesn't taste the way she used to bake it?

Mix in the cousin who knows everything about everything from how to kill bedbugs to the best way to please a woman. The sister-in-law who pontificates about the benefits of organic food until you want to jam a yam into her mouth in order to silence her. The brother who finishes off a bottle of whiskey and passes out with his head on his plate.

And you have enough drama for a blockbuster holiday movie.

So how do we get through this?

We shake our heads. Pour another glass of wine. And smile. Because, bottom line—they are family.

Because sometime during the evening there will be those other moments.

When sisters who have been arguing push all those angry words out the window.

When a daughter realizes she is one step closer to being the oldest generation in the family.

When a grandfather asks what holiday is being celebrated as his great-grandson hands him another piece of pumpkin pie.

When a toddler crawls along the floor next to the dog, both with turkey bones hanging out the sides of their mouths.

When the kitchen is filled with laughter and chatter as dishes are dried, stacked, and put away.

A cacophony of sounds, enough to drive one crazy. But silence would be unbearable.

In these moments there is enough heart to challenge any Hallmark Channel film ever made.

So we nod our heads. Pour another glass of wine. And smile.

Because through the best and worst, they are always our family.

16

A TEN-STEP GUIDE TO MAKING STUFFING WITH YOUR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MOTHER-IN-LAW

by Megan Zander

F
or the past three years on Thanksgiving, your mother-in-law has refused your offers to help cook, leaving you to watch sports with the men or play board games with the kiddies. She surprises you this year and asks for your help with the stuffing. You ignore her remark about possibly learning something so that her son won't be so thin and hope maybe this will be the start of if not a beautiful, at least a more cordial friendship. Grab an old apron that admittedly is kind of awesomely retro, and let's do this.

1.
 Dice onion. Talk about every safe subject you can think of, which lasts all of two minutes thanks to her one-word answers. Rack your brain to come up with something.

2.
 Cut celery and cube bread in awkward silence. Daydream about the conversation you will have with your girlfriends rehashing this when you hit up the Black Friday sales tomorrow.

3.
 Grab seasonings from pantry. Briefly jump out of your skin when your MIL screams and you look around expecting to see a mouse, when in fact it is the container of sage in your hand that's causing her to lose her shit. Allow her to select the spices and try not to roll your eyes.

4.
 Slice onion. Not a repeat of step one; this is an entirely new onion because when your MIL has declared that her stuffing requires sliced onion, not diced. Bite your tongue to avoid telling her exactly where she can put her sliced onion. Try not to let rage tears get onto the cutting board and if she sees you crying, blame the onions.

5.
 Enjoy brief moment of pleasure when she compliments your outfit. Experience deflation of ego when immediately following the compliment she insults you by saying your dress is very effective at hiding your, as she puts it, “bit of a tummy.”

6.
 Sneakily grab the sage and apply liberally to stuffing when MIL starts to lament having another holiday season here without a grandchild. Briefly stoop to her level as you tell her that you might not be pregnant yet, but her son sure seems to be enjoying the trying phase.

7.
 Smile gratefully as your husband brings you a glass of wine and raises his eyebrows to check on you. Chug accordingly.

8.
 Suggest leaving some stuffing without sausage for non-meat-eaters like yourself. Remain calm when MIL dumps sausage into all the stuffing and then claims she didn't hear you despite her frequent interjections to the conversation happening down the hall. Practice your yoga breathing when she tells you to just “eat around it.”

9.
 Throw stuffing into the oven. Resist urge to toss MIL in as well. Get out of the kitchen, find a second glass of wine and commiserate with your sister-in-law (who was ousted from the kitchen after last year's sweet potato fiasco) until it's time to eat.

10.
 Try not to gloat too hard when people praise your stuffing. Tell them you used a secret recipe and lift your glass to your MIL in a silent salute.

Until Christmas Eve, my worthy opponent.