Scattered Ashes (13 page)

She must have listened to the message ten times before she set the phone aside and tried not to dwell on it.  What else could she do?  She wasn’t sure.  All she knew was that even with all the happiness she’d felt as a result of her date, her last thought before drifting to sleep was of that suspended bridge and Jordan

Chapter Eight

Over the next year and a half, Nicole spent a lot of time with Michael, and although she hadn’t forgotten about Jordan, she felt as though her world didn’t revolve around him anymore, and that was a good thing because she knew their paths were headed in different directions.  If she spent much time at all thinking about might have been, it was only because the heart wants what the heart wants.  It didn’t seem to understand that sometimes things are beyond its reach.

She’d even gotten to the point she spent the night at Michael’s more often than not, and nobody, especially Sarah, was surprised when he proposed.  He’d brought her to the Red Lobster again, more for the sake of reminiscing than because the food was the best in town.  It wasn’t.  But this was the place they'd had their first date.

Nicole had sensed what was coming when he'd slipped down on one knee and offered her the ring.  The whole restaurant had  broken out with cheers, and she'd found herself giving him a "yes" even though Jordan yet lingered in the back of her mind and in her heart.  Perhaps that should have been a warning, but she did know one thing:  Michael was a good man who loved her.  He would treat her right, and they could make a life together.  Part of her knew it wasn’t the life she sought; it never would be, no matter how much she might want things to be different.

After making love until almost dawn, she called her mother from Michael’s bedroom as she heard him in the shower getting ready for work.  He hummed randomly as always, and Nicole found comfort in that. 

Her mother answered on the second ring.  “Hello?”

“Good morning, Mom,” Nicole said, trying not to grin so much.  Her mother would definitely pick up on that.

“Nicole?  Is that you?”

“Yeah.”  She ran her fingers through her hair and tried to pat it down.  That was one of the good things about having long hair.

“Is there something wrong?  Shouldn’t you be getting ready for classes?”

Nicole laughed at her mother’s worried tone.  If there were anything to frown over, her mom would find it.  “Everything is fine.  I just had something I wanted to tell you.  Michael proposed last night.”

“Oh, my baby.” 

Nicole could hear the emotions running high in her mom’s voice.  “Are you crying?” she asked, incredulous.

“No, of course not.  Is this what you want?”

Nicole paused, and an image of Jordan floated through her thoughts.  He wore the same clothes as on that weekend PE trip, and he smiled and waved at her like nothing had changed--like
she
hadn’t changed.  She nodded, even though her mom wouldn’t be able to see it.  “Yeah, Mom.  I love him.  I really do.”

“Then you need to come over this weekend so we can plan the wedding, and I won’t take "no" for an answer.  You hear me?”

Nicole stifled a giggle.  “Yes, Mom.”

She hung up as Michael slipped back into the room.  He wore a white dress shirt and a navy Armani suit with suspenders underneath.  As he leaned over to kiss her, she caught a whiff of his aftershave—Obsession.  Their lips touched, and he lifted his head to look at her. 

“Good morning, wife-to-be.”  His hand stroked her cheek lovingly.

“Good morning, husband-to-be.”

He peered at her and shook his head.  “Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for class?”

She stretched lazily.  “What time is it?”

He consulted his watch.  “Almost 8.”  He walked over to the closet to get his dress shoes.

“Crap!” Nicole snapped, immediately throwing the covers back and climbing out of bed, searching for her clothes.  “I have a test this morning.”

Michael watched her via the bureau mirror.  “Yeah, well, you’d better get something on, or I’m coming over there, and we’re both going to be late because what I’m thinking right now is going to take all morning.”

She threw on her clothes and finger-brushed her hair before flying out his front door as he laughed and called, “Your shirt’s on backward!”

“It’s a new fashion trend!” she yelled back.  “See you tonight.”  She ran to her vehicle, and as she started driving, she glanced down at her shirt and noticed Michael had been right.  “Damn it.”

* * *

Jordan sat at his desk, staring out the window.  At any other time, he would have noticed how beautiful spring was, but not today.  The house was quiet, emulating the stasis in their marriage.  It had been two years since they’d taken their vows, and he wasn’t sure what had gone wrong.  Perhaps most of it had to do with the miscarriage, but even that couldn’t bear the whole weight of this…silence...which seemed to have settled in their marriage.  He didn’t understand it. 

He stood slowly and looked around the room, unsure what to do next.  He had take the day off to try to clean the house and get a nice dinner ready to shore up some of the stress which had been eating at both of them lately, but he wasn’t sure that was going to do much. 

Still, he started some laundry and picked up before checking to make sure he had all the ingredients for a wonderful dinner  steaks, potatoes, and such.  As he headed out to start the grill, he spotted one of their wedding pictures on the mantle.  It was the first thing Alyssa had set in the house when they had moved in, and he marveled at how he’d never really looked at it, had never really looked at any of the wedding photos.  He’d always intended to, but the days had just kept blurring past, and he'd been so focused on getting a job there had it been enough hours left to do everything.

Perhaps that was the key—more time with Alyssa?  She’d been cold since the miscarriage, and he was running out of options.  Sometimes he wanted to just call one of her friends and ask what was happening, but he doubted even that would prove useful.  Alyssa’s friends hadn't really gravitated toward him, just as his friends hadn't breached her outer circle, but he had foolishly believed their friendship would be enough to tether them together.

Perhaps he had been wrong?

He didn’t know where to turn.  He’d tried talking to her, but she'd refused to get past the surface level, leaving him in unfamiliar waters.

Without thinking about it, he pulled out his cell and dialed Nicole’s number.  Okay, maybe she wouldn’t have any insight, but then again, maybe she would.  He didn’t have any other options.  Talking to members of his family or hers was out.  They didn’t even know about the pregnancy or the miscarriage.

The phone rang twice before she answered.  “Hello?”

“Nicole?”

“Yeah,” she said cautiously.  “Who is this?” 

“Jordan.  Jordan Carroway.  Perhaps you don’t remember me?”

There was a pause before she quietly said, “I remember you, Jordan.  It’s just been a while.  How are you?”

The two launched into small talk, at least until Jordan felt comfortable enough to talk about Alyssa and what had happened since taking their vows.  For a moment, Nicole said nothing, leaving Jordan to hold his breath.

“She’s just hurt, Jordan.  A miscarriage is a big deal, and she’s probably wondering if she’s ever going to be able to have a baby, which is only going to make her want one more.  Just be there for her and keep trying to talk things through.  It’ll turn around if you give it enough time.”

He’d been pacing the room and finally sank into a chair as he raked his fingers through his hair.  “God, I hope so.  I can’t take the tension.”

“Just hang in there,” she urged, and then they talked for a few minutes more.   She told him she was getting married, and while she expected some kind of enthusiasm, his silence didn’t qualify.  How strange.

“Really?  Who’s the lucky guy?” he finally asked in a tight voice.

“Michael Adams.  He’s a lawyer.”

A lawyer?  He wanted to tell her he couldn’t begin to imagine her with that sort, yet he sat in stunned silence, unsure why things even felt worse than before.  Still, he knew that wasn’t the response Nicole had expected, so he said, “Well, that’s great.  Congratulations.  How long have you known him?”

“About a year and a half.”

“Huh.”  It was all he could come up with.  Nicole was a grown woman who had decided to marry.  What was wrong with that?  He didn’t have a clue, but the tightening inside told him he really didn’t like this Michael Adams, even though he’d never met him.

At one time Jordan had wanted to ask her if she had ever felt something the way he did, but he knew that was a bad idea if he were going to follow through with his promise to Alyssa.  After all, what did her answer really matter if he were going to promise his life to someone else?

The closest he came was blurting out, “Do you think I made the wrong choice in getting married?”  Jordan hadn’t meant to ask, but he couldn’t seem to help it, even though he knew Nicole couldn’t answer.  Even he couldn’t answer it.

For a moment, Nicole said nothing, and Jordan tried to imagine what she was thinking at the other end, but he couldn’t.  His mind was blank.  Except for wondering who Michael Adams might be.  When she finally did speak, her voice was quiet, kind of shaky.

“I wish I knew the answer to that.  You’ve just got to keep faith that somehow it’s going to work out.  We all do.”  She paused for a moment, and he could hear lots of people in the background before she spoke again.  “Look, Jordan, I hate to cut this short, but I’m on my way to class.  I’ve got a test that I can’t miss.  Otherwise, I’d be glad to keep talking to you.  I’m sorry.”

He shook his head, imagining the expression crossing her face right about now.  “It’s all right, Nicole.  This isn’t your problem.  It’s mine.  Thanks for giving me your input, and good luck.”

“Bye.”

Taking a deep breath, he closed the phone and leaned back in the chair.  He’d hoped calling Nicole would give him just a sliver of peace.  No dice.  Suddenly he had a whole lot more to think about than he’d planned, including Michael Adams.  Then again, why should he bother Jordan?  Nicole had the right to marry whomever she chose.  He just wondered if she were making a mistake, just as he was beginning to suspect he had.

Nicole snapped her phone shut and lingered in the hall outside the classroom.  She knew she had to go in, but right now her heart was ramming in her ears, and she was shaking. 
It shouldn’t matter that he called
, she thought. 
I’m engaged to Michael, and he’s what matters.

She looked up at the clock and gritted her teeth, feeling her stomach suddenly tied in knots she didn’t have a clue how to untie.  She had five minutes before class, and she reached into her purse and fingered her cell, thinking about calling Sarah.  The only thing that stopped her was the knowledge that, while Sarah might be able to give her wonderful advice, all the things her best friend would tell her would be the same things she was trying unsuccessfully to tell herself.  There was no one, Sarah included, who could change what was going on in her heart.

She forced herself to go inside, all the information she’d studied seemingly having flown out of her head with Jordan’s voice, but she didn’t care.  She just kept replaying what he’d told her.

You can’t do this
, she thought, setting her books below her desk to prepare for the test.  
Besides, having problems with a wife isn’t the same thing as available, and do I really want to wish his marriage to come crashing to the ground like that?