Scattered Ashes (27 page)

He was in the process of picking up a third stone when he felt someone watching.  He turned just in time to find a couple starting onto the beach.  The woman had long, flowing hair, much like Nicole’s, and if he tried hard enough, he could probably morph her features to match.  That wouldn’t do him much good, and the last thing Nicole needed was some guy telling her after all this time he'd finally realized he was madly in love with her.

The couple strolled down the beach, holding hands as they walked.  Jordan waiting until their figures were small blots on the horizon before taking one last breath and heading back to his Jeep.  There was no point in putting off the inevitable.  While he might love the beach, there was a reason he’d come here, and it had nothing to do with taking a cold swim.

He opened the back of the Jeep and pulled a thick bag of ashes from the floorboard.  As he hefted it into his arms, he wondered again how a human being could be reduced to this; it just didn’t seem possible.  Nonetheless, this was all that was left of his father, and fulfilling his father’s last request had fallen on his shoulders.

“All right, Dad,” he half-whispered.  “I guess it’s showtime.”

Carrying the bag out onto the beach, Jordan tried to find a perfect place, one he felt would be tranquil enough for his father.  It was a stupid idea, he knew.  Considering the reckless wind toying with his hair, Jordan  recognized his father’s aches would be quickly scattered and that would be the last Jordan saw of David Carroway.

Part of him wanted to just drive away and keep the ashes in some kind of urn.  It didn’t have to be fancy or anything, but the idea of casting what was left of his father out unsettled him, as though parts of him, too, would be forever riding the wind.  His mother must have felt something similar because she, too, had been against this final wish.  It had broken Jordan’s heart to have to go against her, but he'd respected his father’s wishes, no matter how hard they might end up being.

For a few seconds, Jordan just stood there, holding the bag.  He knew what he needed to do, and he kept telling himself to just do it, but no matter where he looked, it didn’t appear to be the right place.  Then again, he wasn’t sure he knew what the right place would look like; nothing had felt right since his father had died.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the seam which sealed the bag.  Every muscle in his body ached--had had been aching since he’d driven up here, as though this small bag carried the weight of the world.  Gritting his teeth, Jordan finally forced himself to jerk the bag upwards so that some of the ashes fluttered through the air and dissipated.  He repeated the motion until the bag was almost empty, then he turned it over and let the final remnants cascade from the bag into the wind,  which carried them away quickly.  Although he kept staring ahead, thinking his vision should still be hazy due to the ashes, he could see the bright glare of sunlight on the ocean.  Still, he didn’t want to close his eyes, not until he had to.  He wanted to memorize the moment for what it was: the instant his whole life suddenly seemed to change, to tighten around a single truth he would never be able to deny.

He’d never worried about wasting his life.  He’d always just assumed it would go on as it had, and that there would be more until suddenly it was over.  Now he couldn’t shake the
over
part.  What if he died tomorrow?  What had he left behind that mattered?  A failed marriage?  A career that really didn’t matter besides the income it provided? 

Jordan crumpled the bag and shook his head, dazed by the life he'd realized he'd slipped into without intention.  He’d taken the path of least resistance, and now it haunted him because he kept thinking about what did matter, and all he could think about was the missed opportunity with Nicole and the fool he’d been to assume such a chance came every day.

As the rolling surf soothed him, Jordan struggled to figure out what to do with the bag.  Part of him thought it was meant for the trash.  Part of him felt like it had become the last link to his father, so he just held it, took a few steps back from the ocean, and sat in the cool sand.

Farther down the beach, the man chased the woman, and the sound of their laughter echoed back to Jordan.  Although he knew it wasn’t wise, he thought about Nicole and wondered if things had been different if that might've been the two of them instead of two strangers.  The man caught the woman by her waist and swung her around until they both tumbled to the sand.  Then they kissed as though Jordan didn’t exist, and maybe he didn’t, not to anyone besides his mom and sister.  Maybe that was a part of what bothered him—not just the loss of his dad, but the feeling that he had ceased to matter, that he’d become a ghost of sorts, and that he was alone in a way he’d never in his life expected to be.

Stowing the bag beneath his leg, Jordan pulled out his cell. For a moment, his fingers just hovered over the buttons as though he’d suddenly frozen up and couldn’t remember the number he wanted to call.  In truth, he was debating whether he should or shouldn’t call, and while
shouldn’t
was definitely winning, it didn’t mitigate his drive to push the buttons, anyway.  In the end, he justified following through with it because his father had died and the emptiness was eating him alive.  It was at best an excuse, but if that were all he had, he’d take it.

He punched her number from his speed dial and waited.  It took three rings before she finally picked up and answered in a sleepy voice.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Nicole.”  He forced a smile onto his face, hoping she wouldn’t hear the raw cut of pain he couldn’t drive away.  He dug one of his shoes deeply into the sand.

“Who is this?” she asked, yawning.

The smile died, and he suddenly wondered if he’d made a huge mistake.  “Ummm, it’s Jordan Carroway.  Perhaps you don’t remember me.”  At that moment, his mind flashed back to the delivery room when he’d stood in for her loser husband.  “Maybe I should let you go.”  Again his finger hovered over the buttons.

“No, wait, I remember.”  Her answer was much quicker.  “I’m sorry.  I was just taking a nap, so I wasn’t fully awake.”

Jordan chuckled.  “Napping in the middle of the day?  Are you getting old, Nicole?”

She, too, laughed.  “Some days I feel like it.”

“That’s what kids will do to you.”  He thought of the baby that the nurse had thrust into his arms.  How right it had felt, even though the little girl hadn't been his.  He'd never forgotten the way Nicole had looked at him when held her daughter.

“I’d have to agree with you there,” she said.  “So what’s up?”

Jordan heard rustling in the background, and he assumed Nicole was sitting up in bed.  “It’s been kind of a tough couple of months.  My dad passed away.”

A moment of silence.  Then Nicole said, “I’m so sorry, Jordan.  I remember what that’s like.”

“Yeah, that’s why I called.  I just wanted to talk to someone who’d been through it.”  He swallowed hard and noticed the wind had eased the bag from beneath his leg and threatened to blow it away, so he put it back and applied more pressure to keep it still.  Of course, he was lying to Nicole.  He could have talked to his sister or his mom.  Instead, he'd wanted to talk to her because something about her voice seemed to make everything more bearable.  He'd never understood that, but he  accepted it for what it was.

“How long ago did he die?”

“About a month,” Jordan said, trying not to think back to that moment, but no matter what, Jordan found himself reliving those last few moments when his father had been alive, lying on the carpet as Jordan administered CPR.

“I’m really, really sorry,” Nicole said, her voice sounding slightly breathless.  “Is there anything I can do?”

“No.”  He looked out at the rolling ocean, amazed by its size.  Just one more way he felt insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  “I was just sitting on the beach where my dad wanted me to scatter his ashes.” 

As if in response to his words, the breeze tried to lift the bag once more, but Jordan kept it flat against the ground because the last thing he wanted to have to do was get up and chase it.

“That’s interesting.  “My dad wasn’t half so adventurous,” Nicole replied. 

Jordan shrugged even though she couldn’t see him.  “Yeah, well, that adventurous streak didn’t set so well with my mom.  She about had a bird when she read the note he’d stapled to his will stating that he wanted to be cremated.  I thought she was going to have a heart attack herself, right there on the spot.”

That, too, was a tough image for Jordan to get out of his head, and he felt that in honoring his father’s last wish he was somehow betraying his mother, which really didn’t make sense.  Then again, not much in his world had made sense since his father had died.  He kept waiting for something logical to happen, but it never did.

“Is your mom there on the beach with you?” Nicole asked.

“God, no,” Jordan responded without thought, shifting position so he could lie down.  Although he knew this would get sand all over his clothes, he didn’t care.  Life was far too short for caring about sand.  “She wouldn’t have handled watching me deal with the ashes very well, so she stayed home.  It really was better that way.  How’s your little girl?” he asked, suddenly feeling too raw to keep talking about his father.

“Michelle?  She’s getting big and definitely keeps me on my toes.”

Jordan laughed, and it felt good to leave his world behind for a moment and think about Nicole’s.  “Is she anything like her mother?”

“Yeah, quite a bit, actually.  She looks a lot like me, but she’s quieter.  No idea where that came from because Michael’s not.”

Jordan frowned.  He thought he heard a sudden tension in her voice when she said her husband’s name, and he wondered how they were getting along.  Then again, there were some questions he knew better than to ask, and that was definitely one of them.

Looking down the shore, he spotted the couple in an intimate embrace, and his stomach clenched.  He knew that no matter how many times he called Nicole, it wouldn’t change the overwhelming sense of loss he felt.

“Hey, Nicole, I should probably go.  I told my mom I’d start the drive back today, and since my dad’s death, she’s been paranoid about everything.”

“Oh…okay.”  Her tone sounded slightly off.  He just didn’t know if it had to do with talking about her husband or his sudden shift.  Maybe it didn’t matter.  “Be careful, okay?”

“Will do.”

Jordan snapped the phone shut and looked once more at the tide gently rolling to the shore.  It was funny how the ocean and death tended into put things in perspective.  Now if he only felt like laughing.

He walked back to the Jeep one last time and unzipped a backpack in the passenger's seat.  Although it took him a few minutes to find what he was looking for, his fingers finally latched onto Nicole's old camera and he pulled it out.  It had taken him so long to get all the parts, and now that it was finally supposed to be back in working condition, he figured he'd test it.

He turned back to the beach and started snapping pictures, imagining Nicole was right there with him.

Chapter Eighteen

Twelve Years Later

“Learn to drive!” Nicole snapped, watching someone weave into her lane, cutting her off.  It was a miracle of brakes and swerving that kept her from clipping the tail of the Buick, and she didn’t realize she'd held her breath until she exhaled loudly and felt a cramping in her shoulders from all the tension.

It had been one of those days, and frankly she was glad it was also a Friday so she and Michelle could curl up on the couch and watch a chick flick like they did every weekend.  It wasn’t that her daughter didn’t like to go out--Michelle was very outgoing and very social--but she was choosy in her friends and even more choosy in the guys she expressed an interest in, yet another trait she’d gotten from her mother.  In fact, she’d gotten a lot from her mother, including a frustration for her weekend-warrior dad, who didn’t understand that everything wasn’t about having fun when they visited.  Besides, there was still his girlfriend, whom neither Nicole nor Michelle had ever been able to stand.