Scattering Like Light

“Small Blue Thing”

Today I am

A small blue thing

Like a marble

Or an eye 

With my knees against my mouth

I am perfectly round

I am watching you 

I am cold against your skin

You are perfectly reflected

I am lost inside your pocket

I am lost against

Your fingers

I am falling down the stairs

I am skipping on the sidewalk

I am thrown against the sky

I am raining down in pieces 

I am scattering like light

Scattering like light

Scattering like light 

Today I am

A small blue thing

Made of china

Made of glass 

I am cool and smooth and curious

I never blink

I am turning in your hand

Turning in your hand

Small blue thing

©1985 Suzanne Vega
Reproduced by kind permission of Michael Hausman Artist Management

Contents

Title Page
Dedication
Airport
Surfing
Rescue
Temptation
Homecoming
Number
Stalker
Torture
Realisation
Veronica
Persuasion
Search
Investigation
Road Trip
Showdown
Passenger
Suffering
Truth
Consequences
Love
Death
Memory
Betrayal
Acknowledgements
Copyright

For Pete, with all my love

I could feel the sweat prickle on my forehead as the man in uniform glared at me. “Miss, just go back through and put all the jewellery in there, please,” he repeated, nodding towards the small plastic tray.
“All of it,
like it says on the notice,” he stressed, as my hand hesitated over my wrist.

“I … I … I’ll just be a minute,” I stuttered. Then, under my breath, I hissed, “Callum! I need you now,
quickly
!”

“Come on, please. You’re holding up the line.” The security guard was getting annoyed. Ahead I could see my parents picking up their belongings from the other side of the X-ray. They hadn’t noticed that I’d stopped. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought this through, that I hadn’t realised that the amulet would set off the alarms on the metal detector. Where
was
Callum?

The security guard picked up the tray and thrust it towards me. I couldn’t help looking around me, knowing full well that I wouldn’t be able to see Callum, but searching for inspiration to explain my odd behaviour. I was clammy with fear. “Callum!” I hissed again, as loudly as I dared.

“What’s the hold-up here?” An officious-looking man in a suit was pushing up behind me, desperate to get through and on to his flight. I looked wildly between the two angry men, and swallowed hard.

“There’s something not right here. I’m calling for the police,”
announced the guard, taking in my obvious discomfort. He pressed a red button on the side of the metal detector. Within seconds armed policemen converged on the spot, their guns conspicuously at the ready.

“Really, there’s no need for that,” I said as calmly as I could. “It’s just that my bracelet is very tight and it hurts to take it off, that’s all.” I smiled at him as sweetly as I could, trying not to look at the machine guns. They hadn’t pointed them at me yet, and I really didn’t want them to. In the meantime, my parents had noticed the commotion and were heading back towards me.

“Can’t you just examine it where it is?” I asked, trying not to sound too desperate, hoping that I could avoid a confrontation between Mum and the guard.

“That’s not the procedure. All jewellery has to be removed until you can go through the scanner without setting it off.”

“Alex? What’s going on?” called my mum. “What’s happening?” she asked the guard pointedly. “Why won’t you let my daughter through?”

“Stand back, please,” said one of the policemen, stepping in front of her.

“Look, I’m just taking it off now, OK? Then I’ll come through the machine.” I put my finger under the bracelet and eased it off my wrist, making sure that I kept my finger inside for as long as possible. “Come on, Callum, get here now!” I muttered again. I was just about to drop it into the tray when there was a welcome tingle in my hand and a familiar voice in my head. “Go, I’ve got everything covered here. You’ll be fine.”

Heaving a sigh of relief I slipped the amulet into the little tray along with my watch and necklace. “OK, shall I come through now?” I asked the guard hopefully. His colleague at the X-ray
machine picked up the tray and lifted the amulet out with the end of a pen. Trying not to look at what they were doing, I took a tentative step towards the metal detector. “Is it OK to go ahead?” I asked, catching the eye of one of the policemen, not daring to take another step until he had finally nodded. Mum had wisely kept silent as soon as she had seen the guns, but one glimpse of her tight-lipped expression told me that she wasn’t finished.

I stepped carefully through the threshold of the detector, which remained mercifully silent. They weren’t done with me though. A female guard stepped forward and gave me a thorough pat-down, and all the while I was trying not to look at what the guys by the machine were doing with the amulet. Finally the female guard declared me safe, and I turned towards the conveyor to retrieve my belongings. Dad had picked up most of the stuff, but the guard holding my amulet was clearly waiting for me.

“This yours?” he asked, dropping the amulet from his pen into a separate tray.

“Yes.” I nodded. “Can I have it back, please?”

“It’s been randomly selected for further testing,” he announced in a bored tone.

I tried not to panic as I thought about what Callum might be doing to keep me safe, and how much longer he could keep it up. Desperately trying to keep my fear contained, I smiled at the guard. “Oh, I see. What does that mean?”

I was trying to talk to him as the luggage from the impatient queue behind me started to pour through the X-ray machine and down the conveyor. The man in the suit brushed me aside so that he could retrieve his laptop case, and I felt his radiating disapproval.

The guard continued indifferently, “It’s got to be tested for traces of explosives.” He placed a small cloth in some special
tongs and started to wipe the bracelet with it, being careful not to actually touch it himself. I bit my lip.

“What are they doing now, Alex? What’s the hold-up?” Mum was at my side, bristling with indignation.

“They seem to think that my bracelet might be dangerous, that’s all,” I answered as calmly as I could, wondering if at any second Callum might lose the fight that was no doubt raging around us. If he was beaten I would be as good as dead within moments. I knew that he would give everything he possibly could to keep me safe, but I had to do my bit and get the amulet back on my wrist as quickly as possible.

I forced myself to relax as the guard put the small cloth into some sort of detector, then pressed a few buttons. The wait seemed interminable but was probably no more than a minute. Finally a little green light popped up on the detector. The guard’s shoulders slumped slightly. He had obviously hoped for a more interesting result. Really bored now, he picked up the tray with the amulet in it and tossed it on the table in front of me, already looking around for his next victim. “All clear. Next!” he shouted as the tray rattled to a stop. I reached for the amulet gratefully, desperate to have the comforting silver band back on my wrist. But as I lifted it my eye was drawn by some engraving on the inside. Puzzled, I looked closer. There were definitely words there, words I had never seen before. But I didn’t have time to examine it further. Sliding it back into place on my right wrist, I heaved a great sigh of relief as the familiar tingle washed through my arm.

“Honestly, it was OK, there’s no one around,” said Callum. “You didn’t need to panic.”

“How was I supposed to know that?” I muttered under my breath.

“What was that, Alex? Did you say something?”

“No, Mum, nothing. Just thanking the security for being so vigilant.” I smiled at her as convincingly as I could manage. I felt cold and clammy as my breathing and heart rate returned to normal. We walked swiftly through to the departure lounge.

“I’m just going to find the loos; I won’t be a minute,” I announced as my parents looked about for somewhere to sit.

“Don’t be too long, Alex,” Dad called after me. “They’ll be calling our flight soon.”

I waved to show him that I’d heard, then quickly put on my mobile phone earphones. As soon as I was out of sight I found a quiet spot and leaned against the wall. “Don’t do that to me – I was really worried!” I hissed to Callum. “What took you so long, anyway?”

The voice in my head was as rich as chocolate, and I could picture his gorgeous features as he spoke. His tousled, dark-blond hair, his perfect skin, his slightly crooked nose and, of course, his mesmerising blue eyes. I couldn’t help stealing a glance at the amulet, where the stone was dancing in the bright airport lights: the stone that looked exactly like those eyes…

Callum sounded a bit bashful. “I went off to see if I could travel on planes. I’ve never tried before, but they left me on the runway. I know, I know,” he said as I snorted with relieved laughter, “but it was worth a pop. I could have come with you if it’d worked!”

“I couldn’t believe that you weren’t right there.”

“I know you don’t like me talking to you when you’re with your family, and anyway who knew the queue was going to move that quickly?”

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” I corrected him. “It’s just that it makes life extra difficult, that’s all. I always want you around, you
know that.”

“I do know that,” he replied. I didn’t have my mirror out, but I heard the smile in his voice. I could see Callum only in reflections. He was a Dirge, someone trapped in a half-life of misery after drowning in the River Fleet in London. My bracelet, or amulet, matched the ones that Callum and his friends wore, and when I had found it in the mud of the Thames it connected me irrevocably to him. I had given Callum my heart, and I was determined to find some way to make a future together possible. And I was working on a plan that I was feeling pretty confident about. But my amulet was the only escape route for the other Dirges, and I had to be really careful to keep it on at all times: it was the only way to be safe.