Schasm (Schasm Series) (8 page)

His cheeks redden and he drops his gaze. “After trying and failing more than a few times, I made the decision it would be best if I kept my distance and didn’t complicate your life further.” He looks back at me with a determined glint in his eyes. “That was only until I saw you drowning.”

“Wait, so you didn’t really save me because I was an attractive girl like you told me?” I ask, knocking my elbow against his. “I’m crushed, Alex.”

He laughs. “Oh please.” His fingertips brush over my cheek. “I looked at the attractive girl before I realized it was you. Once I saw it was you, I panicked and dove into the water to save you.”

I want to laugh, but I still have so many unanswered questions that are eating away at me. “I don’t understand how I could just forget about our entire friendship…it seems too important to just lose.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know how you forgot about me so easily, Chloe. All I know is that it hurt like hell.” The pain appears in his eyes again. My head is spinning, trying to work this all out and make sense of it.

“Honestly, it’s a little unsettling you’ve been watching me all this time. I had a stalker and I never even knew it.” I meant for this to sound more like a joke than it came out. But I need to know what I’m dealing with here. My heart is already involved in this, and I don’t want to get hurt any more than I want to hurt him. But I also can’t just accept that a random guy has told me my memory of him—of
us
—has been erased.

He stands up and brushes the sand from his wetsuit. I’ve upset him…I can tell. If he’s speaking the truth and I just questioned it, then I can’t blame him. But how am I supposed to know what’s true and what isn’t anymore? “I have no way to prove anything to you right now,” he says curtly, his voice sounding brittle. “I just need you to believe me, I guess.”

This is killing me. I just want to jump into his arms and pretend like everything is real, regardless of my missing memory. All I can say is, “Alex.” I have nothing to follow it.

His face becomes serious. No more beautiful smile. “No, I haven’t been watching you like
that
.” He sounds offended. “It’s not like I was searching for you or seeking you out. You and I just seem to end up in the same places. That’s all.”

Now I’m more curious. “Do you always know where I’m drifting to?”

“Not always, no.” He sees my disbelief. “Look, I didn’t choose this way of life. It was a gift to me as much as it was to you.”

Suddenly, I feel cheated hearing him describe our similar conditions as a gift. I’ve always considered mine a curse. Why is he here surfing the waves, living full-time in my heaven, when I keep having to return to that cold, miserable house being held captive by my tyrannical mother? It doesn’t seem fair.

“My situation has brought me more misery and pain than happiness,” I explain. “I’m sorry if I can’t understand where you’re coming from.” I can’t hide the hurt in my voice.

He reaches his hand out and laces his fingers through mine while pulling me up to my feet. His eyes lose their anger. “I’m very sorry that your life turned out like that.” His words are soft but intense. “Do you know how much time you have here today?” he asks.

“I’m not sure. My mother assumes I’ve gone to sleep for the night, though. I would guess I have enough time to learn more about you… about us.”

I need to know more about him, and I want to believe him, but I need more information.

“I don’t know if we have
that
much time. My autobiography is pretty intense, and it might serve our time better another night.” He looks uneasy now.

I feel like I have some unwarranted anger building up within me. I can’t figure out why. Is it because he seems to know more about my life than I do? Or because he won’t tell me anything about himself? I feel as if he’s taunting me with a truth that he knows I can’t easily believe.

I wrap my hand around his arm, feeling the muscles bulge beneath his skin. The feeling causes me to quiver, my voice to lower and sound somewhat out of breath. “Why won’t you tell me anything? I’m not sure I believe a word of what you’re saying, and if you’re unwilling to tell me more, well…”

 “Look Chloe,” he huffs. “I’m not a creep. I have no way of proving that to you, but it’s true. You and I were friends once, but I lost you, and you lost me. Now that we’ve found each other again, I would like to have that friendship back.” He pulls his arm out of my grip. “But if you want to leave, I’ll understand.” Pain pings in my chest when he says it. Why do I even care this much? I just met him.

I want to stop talking. I want to stop pushing. But I need more and he won’t give it to me. “If you can’t tell me anything else, I don’t think I can stay.”

“Wait…what?”

“I guess I’ll just see you around sometime. Or you’ll see me around, rather, since that seems to be how it happens.”

He jerks his head in my direction. “Wait," he says insistently. "I didn’t mean I wanted you to leave.”

“And why would I stay?”

He doesn’t answer. He just stares into the horizon. “Will you just keep walking with me for a few more minutes?” His plea makes my chest ache. My intension wasn't to hurt him, and that's how he looks right now.

“Alex, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” And honestly, I don’t at this point.

A football rolls into my ankle, breaking up the intensity of this moment. I find a little boy running toward us, smiling. “My ball,” he calls over. Alex grabs the ball with one hand, winks at the kid and passes it to him. I watch all of his muscles tense as his arm swings. My stomach tingles with a good twinge. I try to clear my mind of the look of him…the smell of him. The feel of him.

I can’t fight this.

He’s amazing. Friend, stranger or stalker, I can’t deny that.

He avoids my last comment. “Tell me Chloe: what's your favorite meal?”

Wow, he’s good at this
who has control now
game.

I narrow my eyes at him and raise my eyebrows. “What? You don’t already know?” I shove my hands deep into my back pockets.

“Just humor me, will you?” he mutters through his stiff smile.

I think for a few seconds about what kind of food I would love to eat if I had the opportunity to eat more than burned eggs and turkey bacon. “A French croissant with a hot chocolate,” I say. “What’s
your
favorite food?” If he’s going to learn about me, I’m going to learn about him, too.

“That’s easy.” He laughs. “A Big Mac.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes. What were you expecting?” he asks.

“I had you pegged as a seafood type of guy, what with the ocean obsession you seem to have. I guess I was wrong.”

He smiles, and my heart flutters. An awkward silence settles between us. I gaze out to the ocean and remind myself why this place has always been my saving grace. It’s peaceful and real, my escape from all realties except for the confusing one I’m in right now. As my mind drifts further into the water, Alex slides his hand over my back then around my hip. His touch sends shivers up my spine. He does something to me that I can’t ignore or walk away from. With a gentle tug, he pulls me to face him. He looks anxious.

Finally, he speaks again. “Chloe, look…I know you’re confused and angry at the lack of information I’m giving you. I’m truly sorry for that. I’m just trying to keep things simple, to protect you.” He groans. “I think it’s too soon for you to hear what I’m about to say, but in the event that you don’t want to see me again after this visit: I think I should tell you anyway." I see him swallow the lump in his throat. I'm trying to figure out how to swallow mine. I can't imagine what he's going to say or what it's going to do to me.

He moves in closer to me, leaving less than a foot between us and his eyes pierce mine. I might fall over if I don’t figure out how to even out my breath. “Knowing you as long as I have already, I’ve grown up caring about you and worrying about you. Over the past couple of years, you’ve appeared sad, lonely, and lost. My heart has broken over and over again just seeing you look so helpless. It killed me that I couldn’t reach out and tell you everything would be okay.” He lays his hands on my shoulders. “Being able to talk with you now, to see you, I will do just about anything in my power to see you smile again, to hear you laugh and to see you happy. If nothing else comes out of this, I just want you to know you don’t have to be alone anymore. I’m here for you.”

I feel as if his thoughts are traveling into me through his eyes. I wish I could remember him. It would make this so much easier. He seems so sincere, but I feel like I’m being asked to choose between my memory and his story. I’ve never interacted this intensely with anyone in my drifts. I want so much to believe him, but I think I should believe what I know, too. But I can’t just walk away. Not before I know what else he has to say.

“Thank you, Alex.” In spite of everything, I truly mean that.

“That’s not all,” he whispers. “This next part might make you a little uncomfortable.”

I don’t know how I could feel any more uncomfortable than I do right now. The lump in my throat is growing so large I might choke. I knew this was all too good to be true. I pull in my breath and hold it, trying to brace myself for whatever bomb he’s about to drop on me.

"Over the past couple of years, I’ve developed…um, I kind of, maybe…” He sighs. “Chloe, I have…feelings for you. More than friendship.”

“Oh,” I say. I don’t know the right response for that.

“Even though I wasn’t able to communicate with you, I got to know you by watching you wear your heart on your sleeve. It changes almost daily…it’s what I like best about you. It was always clear how you were feeling, by the little things you did.” His mouth turns up into his crooked smile that makes me weak.

Maybe it took him twelve years to realize he had feelings for me, but it’s only been a few days for me, and I think I’m falling for him.

No. I’ve
fallen
for him.

He moves in even closer. His breath is warming my neck, his eyes are hypnotizing me. His voice is so smoky that I might fall
into
him, too.

“I know when you look up to the sky, close your eyes, and take a deep breath, that you’re happy,” he says, sweeping a strand of hair off my cheek. I press my face into his palm, craving more of his touch. “I know when your eyes are glued to the sand, you’re in deep thought about something that’s upsetting you. You kick the sand and rocks around or throw them into the water when you’re feeling angry.” I close my eyes, avoiding the sympathetic glow on his face. He smooths his thumb over my temple, and I open my eyes again. His face shimmers with a sweet smile. “Then, there’s my favorite thing about you…I love watching you when you look at the clouds. You’re trying to see them as images. It’s the only time when you seem to be at peace with your life.” He wraps his arms around my back and pulls my body in against his. My face is pressed against his broad chest—my skin against his skin. The sensation causes my stomach to twist into multiple knots of beautiful confusion.

With his lips next to my ear, he whispers, “I also think you should know you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” I hear his breath hitch between his words. “So I’d be lucky if you would even consider not running away from me right now, even though you feel like that’s a viable option for you.”

My heart is about to explode from the mismatched emotions. The thought that someone cares about me this much has brought me to the brink of tears.

“Alex,” I pull out of his embrace, even though my subconscious is screaming at me for doing it. “I’m very confused right now. My emotions are a maze, and I don’t know which direction to go. It sounds like you know so much about me, but it bothers me very much that I don’t know anything about you. And it worries me that I can’t remember you. Part of me is questioning whether or not you’re telling me the truth. I’m sure it hurts you to hear that, but I want to be honest with you, too. I’m not calling you a liar; I just have some very big trust issues. Anyone I’ve ever trusted has thrown my trust in the trash at some point during my lifetime. I haven’t even had a friend in the past twelve years. No one has ever looked at me as anything more than a mental case, and
no one
has ever found me to be attractive. So I’m not sure I’m even capable of processing everything you just said to me.”

“I understand,” he says. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” His sad voice weakens me at my core. His face crumples in despair. I feel like I’ve torn his heart out.

"Don't be sorry.” I say, my voice sounding strangled. “I'm the one who should apologize." I wish I could say something different, but it would be a lie. I need time to digest all of this.

He moves his hands away from me. “Well, if you can ever look past what you think of me, maybe we can talk more again sometime.” I can tell the words are tugging at his heart.

I'm hurting him. I’m hurting myself.

“I
can
promise you one thing,” he says. “I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust, and I would
never
throw it away.” He lifts my hand from my side, and pulls it to his warm, honey-soft lips and brushes them over my knuckles. A fury of butterflies flutter in the depths of my stomach. “Take care of yourself.”

“Are you leaving?” I ask, my voice sounding small and frail. What am I doing? I just made it clear I didn’t know if I believed him; yet, I don't want him to leave either.

“No, I’m not…” His voice trails off as his hand slides out from between mine.

He’s gone, and so am I.

It isn’t he who keeps fading away.

It’s me.

***

I’m being shaken from side to side by a fierce grip. My brain feels as if it’s rattling around inside of my head. My eyes snap open to the wretched sound of my mother’s voice.

“Chloe,
wake up!”

I lie staring up at my mother, wishing I could play dead. Maybe then she would leave me alone for good.

“I’m awake…stop shaking me!” I shout in her face.

My alarm clock says it’s only three a.m. I’m infuriated she woke me up just to make sure of…what?