Scorpio Sons 4: Chase: (SF/Shifter Romance) (13 page)

“She’s right. He’s more likely to tell her what’s going on than one of us. And we need to know. Anna can’t walk on eggshells around him all the time. It’s not fair on her, and it’ll just put more pressure on Chase,” Caleb said, patting Colt on the shoulder.

With a deep sigh, Alyssa’s mate settled in to work on her cuts.

Chase sat in the empty conference room of HQ, his head in his hands. He was so damned tired. The weight he carried had become unendurable in the last few days. It felt like a tightly coiled wire had been severed and the filament was unwinding too fast, the end flying out and knocking down everything in its path.

He
was that coiled wire. And it was his young, damaged mate who was being knocked down by him. His cat screamed at him for hurting her, even inadvertently. It screamed at him to be at her side, protecting her from danger. But
he
was the danger to her now. No one else. So he had to stay away, no matter what his cat wanted.

Why the hell had he made such a big deal over the photos? Of course she didn’t know what that scene meant to him, how could she? The only one alive who knew about it was his father, and Anna hadn’t met him yet. No wonder she went to Caleb for comfort. He was the only male who had treated her kindly since she got here.

And that was what sent his cat mad with rage. Right from the first moments at HQ it was Caleb doing everything for his mate that Chase should have been doing. Caleb had even wanted to claim her, for god’s sake, and Anna obviously reciprocated.

Maybe if he left for a while he could get over this obsession. It didn’t work with the other Sons to put distance between them and their mates, but it might work with him. After all, he and Anna hadn’t had sex yet. The bond, whatever it was, might not be complete. Maybe there was still time to break free of it. He’d given in too easily; accepted an untenable situation, just because he had too much on his plate already to add further complications and pressures.

But this wasn’t working. He had to fix it, no matter how much added pressure it put on him.

The door opened, letting in a little light from the hall into the dark conference room.

“Chase, I’ve been looking for you,” Alyssa said stiffly.

“You’re supposed to be with Anna. She needs you. You’re supposed to be dealing with her cuts.”

“Colt’s doing it. I came to demand some answers. What’s with the photos? Clearly they mean something to you; otherwise you wouldn’t have gone off about them like that.”

“It’s none of your business, Alyssa. Just leave it alone.” Tiredly, he rubbed at his dry eyes once more.

“I’d love to. But Anna can’t take much more of your bullshit. Hasn’t that girl had a hard enough life without adding your drama queen antics to it? She was raped wasn’t she? I got that much from the comments she’s made about men.”

“A victim of the child sex trade. But don’t say anything to her about it. I think she feels ashamed, even though she has no reason to be. So believe me, I know she doesn’t need my crap. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Poland. I think I need to be overseeing this latest development myself.”

“Leaving Anna? But you can’t. Your cat won’t let you. It’s hard enough for Colt to go away overnight; you’re talking about way longer.”

“Colt loves you. Of course he’s going to have trouble being separated from you. But I feel nothing for Anna. It’s my cat that claimed her, not me. She’s hardly the kind of mate I need. The whole thing is a farce.”

Alyssa sat down next to him and placed a hand on his arm. “I don’t believe that for a moment. These bonds aren’t just about instinct; not just about our cats. She’s your fate. Don’t you get it? The man is destined to love her just as much as the cat is determined to mate with her. Colt and I have talked about this a lot. There’s nothing haphazard about any of this. You were meant to meet Anna. You could have sent anyone else to bring her in, but
you
had to be the one to go. Even though you had a million other more pressing matters to contend with,
you
had to go and get
your
mate.

"And I've been thinking about the unclaimed Mate thing, too. Connor must have seen Anna in the corridors, as I did, when he was being my bodyguard. But he never looked twice at her, just as he never thought I was 'way more interesting' until Colt activated me. This isn't just some random pairing, Chase.”

Chase shook his head in exhaustion. “That’s just a romantic illusion you women have created around a purely biological necessity. We are a new race, and the biological imperative requires us to mate with one of our own kind. There’s no more to it than that. People don’t fall in love in a matter of hours or days. It takes time to get to know someone. Otherwise all you’re doing is falling in love with a mask,” he tried to explain patiently.

“I know all the psychobabble, Chase. But I also know, firsthand, how this works for us. You’ve activated Anna. You can’t leave her now. And I actually thought more of you than that. In the months I’ve known you I haven’t seen any evidence that you’re a coward who runs away at the first sign of trouble.”

“Coward?” he roared at her, feeling his cat rise. “I’m fucking trying to save her! Don’t you get it? I’m the worst possible mate for a girl like her. I hurt her every time I’m near her. And if I succeed in not hurting her, she’ll come to feel the kind of bond you feel for Colt, and I’ll destroy her anyway. That’s what I do.”

“Explain. How will you destroy her?” Alyssa asked patiently, big green eyes staring up at him like an owl.

“It doesn’t matter. I just will. Leave it at that.”

The silence thundered on for what felt like eons, but he had no energy to say more or to get up and leave. He folded his arms on the table in front of him and buried his face in them, blotting out Alyssa and the whole fucking world.

Eventually, Alyssa cleared her throat and began talking, almost as if she was discussing the weather. “I get that you don’t consider this my business. But you need to tell Anna about whatever has upset you. She has a right to understand
why
you’re choosing to leave her. Otherwise she’ll think it’s her. That she’s not good enough for you.”

“Don’t be absurd. Of course that’s not the reason.”

“You have to
tell
her
it’s not the reason. I don’t agree with your decision to run away. I think you should stay and sort it out. But if you do take that path, you really will be in the wrong if you leave that poor girl thinking it’s her fault. That’s all I can say.”

With that, the first of the Mates, the sensitive singer of beautiful songs, rose and left him to his pain and indecision. And, as the door closed behind her, the pieces of the puzzle fell shockingly into place. Of course Anna would blame herself if he left her without explaining. How could she not? His behaviour since he’d met her must seem incomprehensible. It was to him, and he understood a little of what was going on.

He looked at his watch. It was after eleven. Had she gone to bed by now? Were her injuries bad? What kind of selfish bastard leaves his mate after causing those injuries? He was the one who should have found the strength to care for her. It was his responsibility. And if his life had been overrun with responsibility up to now, then he should have been able to handle a little more. Anna deserved that much from him.

After checking the deserted infirmary, IT suite and the common room, he reluctantly headed for his own room. The lights were all off, except for a small one at the door. It was more than enough to make his way around the space without trouble.

Anna was asleep on her new bed, facing the wall, her back to him. Should he wake her and explain now, or wait until morning when she might be less overloaded.

Chase sat on his bed and rested his elbows on his knees. He knew he wouldn’t sleep a wink if he didn’t get this over with now.

“Anna, are you awake?” he asked softly.

She shifted onto her back, but didn’t look at him.

“I’m going to try to go away for a while. But Alyssa thinks you’ll blame yourself if I don’t explain my rationale. I have no idea how the female mind works, so I assume she’s right. What do you think? Do you want me to explain?”

She turned towards him then and just stared at him for a long time, her soft, blonde hair floating about her wounded face like clouds. He felt even guiltier now, faced with the evidence of his violence.

“I would like to know what I did wrong, yes.”

“You did nothing wrong. It was those photos.” He sighed deeply, drawing on all the courage he had to open up this wound for her. It had been too long, and the scars had formed hard and numbing over that hurt. But for her he would open it up again. Only for her.

He ran his fingers through his hair, wanting to tear it out by the roots rather than talk about this. “When I was fifteen a friend and I got stoned and went riding along the coast road on his motorbike. He’d just gotten his licence and wasn’t very confident. But I kept encouraging him to go further, go faster. The ocean looked like liquid sky, speckled by moonlight. There was a pathway of light leading across the dark waves, right up to that bright, full moon. Just like in those pictures.

“I was drunk on life, on rebelling against my duty, on the wind in my hair and the freedom of it all… God, I felt invincible in those moments, howling at the moon like a deranged wolf. And maybe my howls surprised Mike and he lost control, or maybe he was just going too fucking fast, I don’t know. But before I knew what was happening the bike was tipping over and my cat was loose, pushing me off the bike so that I could roll free.

“I shouldn’t have been able to do that. Mike couldn’t. He was helpless as the bike hit the tar and careened along, dragging him with it. He didn’t have a cat that could kick free of that machine. But suddenly I did, and I took my chance. I left my friend to die, while I rolled to safety on the side of the road.”

He couldn’t go on for several minutes and Anna lay quietly waiting. He had no idea if it was silent condemnation he felt coming off her or not, but he really didn’t care. After all, it was she who wanted to know about the pictures. It was her tough luck if she didn’t like what she heard.

Finally he felt ready to go on. Drawing in a deep, painful breath he continued with his litany of crimes. Maybe they weren’t as bad as the Guild’s crimes, maybe they didn’t make him a monster; but they were crimes, all the same.

“Most people learn from their mistakes, but not me. In fact, once I understood about my cat, I seemed to get worse. Maybe it was partly housetraining the cat, like we all have to do, but I think it’s more than that. I took risks, big risks, and always seemed to come out of it unscathed. Others didn’t, though no one else died because of my shit. I was wild, really wild.

“My mother couldn’t get through to me because I just labelled her a drunk. Why should I listen to anything
she
had to say? My dad couldn’t get through to me either because, hey, it was his fault I was what I was. He and the fucking Résistance turned me into a science experiment to use against the Guild. Sure, it was really the Guild that started the project, but it was dad and his kind who manipulated the outcomes. So, yeah, I wasn’t really in the mood to listen to anyone. I wasn’t human. I had a panther inside me. How could anyone understand what that felt like?” He laughed humourlessly and shook his head.

“Mom just got worse and worse. I hated going home because she was always there, passed out drunk. If I’d given her a little more attention, spent a little more time with her, maybe it might have been enough. But my neglect, on top of Dad’s? Well, it pushed her over the edge, didn’t it? I came home from a party one night to find her dead. She’d overdosed on sleeping pills and alcohol because the man she loved neglected her. Or, the males she loved did.”

He looked across at the silent Anna, trying to gauge her feelings. But her face gave nothing away.

“We are all just younger versions of Scanlan, you know. I’ve proved that already. And now I’m simply proving it again with you. Any other girl might have been able to handle my shit, but not you. Your ghosts are too plentiful, too torturous, already. You don’t need me and mine added to the mix.

“Alyssa thinks it’s fate or destiny that brought us together. That brings together the Mates to their Sons. But if it is fate or destiny then it is a cruel fate, like Oedipus killing his father and marrying his mother. You deserve someone who can truly love you, and spend time with you, putting your needs at the top of his To Do List, not at the bottom. And that’s not me. It’s never been me. It
can
never be me.”

Sitting up, she swallowed several times before speaking, as if her mouth was dry. “I am sorry those photos reminded you of that terrible time. I understand why you reacted as you did. And I think I understand a little better why you don’t want me. Why you don’t want anybody. You’re afraid of hurting me like you did the people in your younger years. You’re afraid I’ll turn out like your mother.”

He was relieved that he’d successfully communicated his issues and concerns to her and that she had accepted them so well.

“But what you don’t understand Chase, is that I’m not like your mother. I fought too hard for my life to give it up simply because someone I might love hasn’t got time for me.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but it needs saying. I don’t believe you were wrong to be angry with your mother for her drunkenness when you were growing up. She had a responsibility to you, but instead she escaped into a bottle.”

He wanted to interrupt her and explain. Of course his mother wanted to escape. Who wouldn’t, with a neglectful husband and rebellious teenager? It wasn’t her fault. None of it was her fault. But he wanted to hear the rest of Anna’s thoughts, so he kept his peace.