Authors: Anna Kendrick

Scrappy Little Nobody (31 page)

BOOK: Scrappy Little Nobody

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“Well”—she put her hand down—“I guess she’s not gonna say anything, but . . . anyway, she’s just a juror today, so don’t bother her.”
Lady! I was doing fine before you did that!
Luckily, the other jurors were paying about as much attention as plane passengers during in-flight safety announcements, so almost no one turned around.

The rest of the day we waited in the orientation room to find out if we’d be put on a case. I sat in a corner and read some Philip K. Dick and tried to be inconspicuous—and ate vegan for lunch because it turns out
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
is WAY more about empathy for animals than the
Blade Runner
movie. In spite of Whistleblower McGee, no one seemed to notice me.
I didn’t end up on a trial that day—perhaps Whistleblower had spared me to atone for her earlier “nonsense” transgression—but outside of that, the only incident that reminded me I was famous was when a sweet older gentleman asked if I was reading my book for research, to be in the movie version.

“No, this is actually already a movie. They changed the title to
Blade Runner
but they made it in the eighties.”

“Oh,” he said, “I thought that Frenchman who did
Sicario
was remaking it. You know, the one who always works with Roger Deakins.”

Oh shit, Grandpa. That’ll teach me to underestimate a fellow Los Angeleno.

• • •

There are plenty of places in the world where I am correctly treated like I ain’t shit. My personal favorite is my hometown. While I was in the middle of writing this, I went home to see my parents. I turned off my phone, stopped checking my email, and hung around Maine long enough that I pushed through the awkward small-talk phase with my dad and managed to get him talking about Sergei Prokofiev fleeing Stalin’s regime, which is his version of deep chat. I slept on my mom’s sofa even though she kept offering to make up the bed in the basement, because I liked waking up to bright snowy mornings. We took long walks around her neighborhood, each time stopping by her favorite neighbor’s house to say hello. The two young boys whom she often babysits were always thrilled to see her and could not have been less interested in me. It felt like how the world should be.

Being around my family and the place I grew up reminded me of my fear that I was getting too comfortable, that I was letting myself atrophy. When the apocalypse comes, my total lack of practical use in the world will make me a first-round draft pick to be cannibalized. How did I become so useless? Everyone else in my family is resourceful, brilliant, a problem solver by nature. I recently tried to kill a spider by chasing it around with a saucepan. There are several holes in my bedroom wall now. The spider lives on. You see what I mean?

During the visit I went through some childhood photos. After four shoeboxes of winter camping and historical fort pics (I didn’t find out until I moved away from home that other families went to Disneyland for vacation), I found this little doozy.

This picture proved that my entire personality was fully formed by the time I was three. I was an obstinate, determined little ball of anxiety.

I’d thought of myself as fearful and shrinking in childhood, but I was often single-minded and pugnacious. From age three onward I have been practical and skeptical and occasionally more courageous than I have any right to be. At age three I’d decided those were the tools I needed to get through this life in one piece, and those tools aren’t going away.

It was a wonderful discovery. It would make me so sad if naturally happy, open, kind children could be changed by their experiences and lose those qualities. My particular personality traits seem less worthy of preservation, but they are my own and I love them. I hate them a lot, too, but I can rely on them.

I shouldn’t be so worried about “changing” as an adult. As an adult you get to turn to your boyfriend and say things like “I’ve always found the obligation to say ‘god bless you’ after a sneeze really arbitrary and mannered. When we’re at home, can we stop saying it?” And then you get to stop! You have all this agency! You get to decide what kind of a person you want to be! And yet, you are still the person you were at three years old. Isn’t that kind of great? I think three-year-old you would be proud.

I put that picture on my desk so that when I feel sorry for myself, her fearsome little face will be staring at me, saying, “Get off your ass and fight, woman!” I rarely give advice—your personal growth will only make me look worse by comparison—but as a
suggestion
, find your most psychotic baby picture and have it on
hand for those days when you want to throw in the towel. It is both joyful and effective.

I hope that you have found this entertaining and maybe (my highest goal) it has made you feel less alone. If we ever cross paths I hope you have a good experience. I will try to be open and not squirrelly. I can’t promise I’ll be nice because nice isn’t really who I am. Pygmy ferret cornered and ready for a fight is more like it.
^I,^II

I
. I wanted to put more shit talk in here but I figured I should be diplomatic since I’d like to continue working for at least a few more months. I’ll write another book when I’m seventy. A better woman might let go of past conflicts, but don’t worry, I hold a grudge forever. This has been fun. X

II
. Oh man. Is my Wikipedia page going to say “author” now? That’s gonna make me look like such a dick.

bonus reading group guide

W
elcome to the completely real and very serious reading group guide for the magnificent book
Scrappy Little Nobody
. Below are a few questions to help you get the most out of your reading experience.
^I

Book club meetings should commence with an interpretative dance based on your emotional journey through the book. Refreshments (preferably a variety of Pop-Tarts and a dry prosecco to be drunk from the bottle) should be served liberally throughout the proceedings. We hope these discussion points aid the further appreciation of the material you’ve just read.

1. Though every page of
Scrappy Little Nobody
is perfect in every way, which part is your favorite? Make a list (it can just be a Post-it that says “Every part is my favorite”) and tape it to your chest for the rest of the day.

2. Discuss the metaphor of Anna moving to Los Angeles without a motor vehicle. Was this an illustration of her tendency to self-sabotage, or did she just not look at a map of the city before she moved, like an idiot?

3. Why do you think Anna chose to disclose her childhood affiliation with the KKK? Was the guilt finally too much for her? Or is she trying to make white supremacy feel accessible and fun for a new generation?

4. When Anna compares Zac Efron to Charles Manson, is she making a joke or trying to warn us about a potential murderous mastermind?

5. Does Anna hate all Russians or just the one man who teased her about her name? Does her xenophobia stem from this experience or simply being raised in the era when all bad guys in movies were Russian?

6. The book opens with the author’s mother wishing for a few stories in which Anna comes across as thoughtful and/or generous. Did Anna’s mother get her wish? Was there a single story where Anna didn’t seem eminently punchable?

7. In the section about Alexa Chung and Olivia Palermo, the author viciously maligns two innocent and very fashionable girls. Is Anna a shady, basic bitch, or the shadiest, basic-est bitch?

8. What was up with that one chapter about sailing being in the present tense? Sure, Anna’s editor thought that was weird, but it’s what Anna wanted.
Who was right? The pigheaded author or the noble (and very pretty) editor?

9. Did Anna steal that money from her neighbor’s pizza party? Did she include the story to hide her crime in plain sight? Let’s petition to get her tax returns released and finally take this bitch down!

10. Why does Anna want to engage in a Valentine’s Day orgy? Is she simply desperate for human contact or does she not understand acceptable social boundaries?

11. Anna makes a lot of bad decisions. Can you think of a time when you’ve made a bad decision? Oh wow, really? We’re gonna pretend you can’t think of a single example? YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME?!

I
. If you happen to run a trashy celebrity news blog that requires you to peruse the content of privileged cretins like me, first of all I’m sorry, and second, you may use these questions as a template for creating misleading but juicy headlines. BTW, I get it, famous white girls are really fun to be mad at.

acknowledgments

I
would like to gratefully thank: Jeff Blitz for lending your brain and for throwing cake at me. Georgia Stitt for your musical guidance. Kay Cannon for keeping me honest. Cait Hoyt for your warmth and support. Lauren Spiegel, my literary sherpa, thank you for your patience and for occasionally letting me win.

about the author

A
nna Kendrick is shorter in person.

Born and raised in Portland, Maine,
ANNA KENDRICK
made her Broadway debut at the age of twelve in her Tony-nominated performance for the musical
High Society
. Since her Academy Award–nominated role as Natalie Keener in
Up in the Air
, she has made numerous theatrical appearances, including starring roles in
Into the Woods
, the
Twilight
saga, and the
Pitch Perfect
film franchise. In 2013, she achieved musical success with the triple-platinum hit song “Cups (When I’m Gone),” featured in
Pitch Perfect
. She lives in Los Angeles.