Screw the Universe (6 page)

“Okay, it’s a date,” she replied. “But don’t forget the brains! They do something for your eyes. With them, you look like you should be knee deep in sauerkraut.”

“I don’t understand that, but okay.”

The private and the first lieutenant left the bridge, heading in separate directions.

Meanwhile, Hank entered, surveyed the calamity, processed how long it would take to clean up, decided against it, and then chose to burn everything instead.

Except the brains.

“Okay, so, Nurse Sidemanner is attempting to revive Captain Tyler, I broke into the psych ward, found Commodore Feces and told him he was in charge, I did in fact crap my pants while doing so, and I’m holding a bucket containing the brains of most of our crew. I even have a little in my pockets.”

“Oh, baby,” cooed Private Redshirt, pressing against First Lieutenant Duknerts. “Let’s do this.”

The first lieutenant placed the bucket on the nearest lunch table and began removing Private Redshirt’s red shirt.

“No,” she said. “Keep holding the bucket.”

“Yes, ma’am,” replied Duknerts, doing as he was told.

The lunchlady-bot, for her part, simply cocked her head and watched the less than acrobatic pair thumping against the table. Captain Tyler had replaced her left eye with a camera and told her that if anyone should start humping in the lunchroom she was to record it. And she was not about to disappoint her captain.

Nurse Poorbed Sidemanner was elbow deep in Captain Tyler’s rectum. Dr. Porniviriyakul stood back and watched.

“Hey, Dr. Porn?” asked Nurse Sidemanner, now almost shoulder deep. “Do we have anything that can bring him back to life?”

“Please don’t call me that,” replied the doctor. “And, no, I don’t think so. I know I don’t at least. Not sure what Sodomy has, though.”

“Nothing cool. Where’s Tyler’s brain?”

“On the counter,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul. “I’m using it as a beer cozy.”

“This is supposed to be a sterile environment.”

Dr. Porniviriyakul shrugged.

“Why are you even in here?”

“There’s nothing on TV,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul. “And I hate Captain Tyler for giving me that stupid nickname. Watching you fail to revive his inanimate corpse is fun.”

“You think I’m gonna fail?”

“Yeah, little bit.”

“Nurses are just as qualified as doctors! We just choose to focus on the patients!”

“Uh huh, sure,” he replied. “How exactly are you going to bring him back without a brain? It’s not like we have extras lying around.”

“Yes we do,” said Nurse Sidemanner, “in the brain freezer.”

“Not anymore we don’t. Duknerts and Redshirt got in there. You don’t want to know what they’re doing.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Oh, well, I don’t want to be the one to explain it to you. The lunchlady-bot is streaming it. You can probably get a copy when you’re done. Or, you know, you could just watch it now and let Captain Asshat die.”

“Never!”

“Then we’re back to the brain situation.”

“I’ve got an idea,” said Nurse Sidemanner. “As I’m sure you know, the body can continue living and performing complicated procedures for a solid ten minutes after a brain is removed.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

Nurse Poorbed Sidemanner began running a medical-grade disposable plastic razor along her scalp.

“Hand me that scalpel.”

Private Heather Naughtyplaces ran into the lunchroom to find Private Redshirt sans shirt and elbow deep in her commanding officer, First Lieutenant Duknerts. That’s right. Redshirt’s a freak and the lieutenant’s very open-minded.

Private Naughtyplaces had been the only person on the ship not aware of the lewd acts taking place in the cafeteria, largely due to her destroying her laptop after finding out Captain Tyler had filled her hard drive with naked pictures of himself. His enlarged member was even her desktop wallpaper. She had promptly vomited on the laptop, shorting it out. As such she had not seen the streaming live feed of the event, the multiple warnings and bets e-mailed by other crew members, nor the request for privacy Private Redshirt had sent from her iPhone with her free hand.

“Oh, Jesus...” stuttered Private Naughtyplaces. “Oh, holy...”

“What?” asked Private Redshirt.

“I... it’s...” was as far as she got before vomiting.

“Way to kill the mood, Heather,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts.

“I don’t know about that,” replied Private Redshirt, shifting her arm.

“Oh, hey, okay. Crisis averted.”

Private Naughtyplaces vomited again.

“Why are you even here?” asked First Lieutenant Duknerts. “Can you go?”

“Or, you know, join us?” asked Private Redshirt.

“Or that, yeah.”

Private Naughtyplaces began to vomit again, but found she was out of vomitable material. She cried a little instead.

“I... I was looking for you, First Lieutenant,” she explained. “The captain is still dead and the bridge is on fire and I tried to ask Commodore Feces what to do but he... he trained a monkey to fling poo at people and it flung it at me and it got in my ear and I... I didn’t know what else to do and I think you’re technically in charge now, at least according to the monkey, and I... I... oh God...”

“Right, well, you did the right thing, Private Naughtyplaces. Meet me at the bridge in five minutes.”

Private Redshirt moved her arm again.

“Make that thirty.”

Two hours later, a winded First Lieutenant Duknerts arrived at the bridge, only to find an alive and ever more lecherous Captain Tyler sitting in his decidedly not-on-fire captain’s chair.

“Duknerts!” said the captain. “Fancy a shag?”

The captain was also British now.

“Sir!” replied the first lieutenant. “You’re alive? Good?”

The ship rocked slightly, as if it was still being shot at by outside forces.

“Oh, shit, right, the pirates,” continued First Lieutenant Duknerts. “We found the snitch and fed him to Wally, but we never did deal with the others. You know, the ones with the actual guns that are firing upon the Zdravo.”

“Poppycock,” replied Captain Tyler. “They ran out of Proton Disaster Beams and other harmful ammo quite some time ago. They’re firing trash at us now. I think I saw a toaster.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad, then.”

“I’ve grown quite fond of the sounds actually. Reminds me of doing the do.”

“What?”

“The do, chap. The horizontal rhumba. The sticky pogo. Plundering the forbidden valley. Scrumping. Ramming your twig and berries into whatever will have you.”

“That... I don’t...”

At that moment, Dr. Porniviriyakul entered the bridge, a little out of breath.

“Speak of the devil,” exclaimed Captain Tyler.

“There you are, you son of a bitch,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul, glaring at the captain.

“Oh, no,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts.

“We fixed the captain up and then he darted out of sick bay,” explained Dr. Porniviriyakul. “I’ve been searching the whole ship for him.”

“So you did this,” asked Duknerts, raising an eyebrow and pointing a thumb at the captain, “on purpose?”

“Don’t put this shit on me. This was all that crazy nurse’s doing. I voted to leave him dead.”

“Understandably. But you didn’t and now I don’t have to run this show anymore. So at least there’s that.”

Dr. Porniviriyakul sighed, angrily.

“I guess I should go thank Nurse Sidemanner for saving the captain’s life,” continued First Lieutenant Duknerts.

“Yeah, good luck with that,” replied Dr. Porniviriyakul.

“What? How come?”

Captain Tyler hopped on top of the navigation console and shouted, “Because I’ve got her brain!”

“But... she wasn’t British.”

“Yeah, I... I don’t know what happened there,” replied Dr. Porniviriyakul. “She performed most of the procedure. I just stitched his head shut.”

“How did... Can someone even...?”

“She was a really good nurse.”

“She’s dead?”

“Her skull is now my candy bowl.”

Just then, Private Yvette Redshirt appeared at Dr. Porniviriyakul’s side, clawing at his shoulders, her leg wrapped around his.

“Oh, baby...”

“Would someone like to explain this?” replied the good doctor.

“Yvette!” shouted First Lieutenant Duknerts. “I thought we had something special!”

“We did,” replied the private. “But then you took a shower. And I don’t remember you saying anything about a collection of skulls.”

“That’s your criteria now?!”

“Skulls hold brains, it’s all related.”

“You appear to have been cuckolded, Duknerts! Doubt you saw that coming,” said Captain Tyler.

“And I doubt you saw this!” replied the first lieutenant, pulling his gun and firing a shot straight into Captain Tyler’s head. He then ran over, pulled a hunting knife out of his boot, and removed the captain’s brain. Then he cut Tyler’s stomach open, removing his intestines and wearing them like a scarf. Then he laughed maniacally.

“Oh... oh my God,” said Private Redshirt, her knees trembling. “That is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Okay, screw this,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul. “I’ll be in my lab.”

Dr. Emmanuel Sodomy couldn’t have returned to the Zdravo at a better time. He tipped his space taxi driver, walked into his lab, and found two corpses waiting for him. The doctor sighed. Then he removed the beer can from Captain Tyler’s original brain, rinsed it off, and inserted it back in the captain’s head.

Unfortunately, Dr. Sodomy could not save Nurse Sidemanner, as Dr. Porniviriyakul had already severed her head from her spine. Also, her brain had a laser hole through it. And it had been inside of Private Redshirt. Don’t ask.

“So,” Dr. Sodomy queried the captain, having revived him with a car battery, “everything good?”

“I think so,” said Captain Tyler, “although I miss the Australian accent.”

“It wasn’t Australian.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, no, that’s just what the note said.”

“The note?”