Scruffy - A Diversion (20 page)

“And now, dear friends, we wish you good night and good sleep in the knowledge that you are twenty-four hours nearer to your liberation. Tomorrow night at the same time we will be back on the air with more interesting news and comment about happenings in Gibraltar and the world at large which your British rulers have kept from you.”

Music replaced the smarmy voice. Major Clyde stood regarding the wireless set, his lower lip characteristically between his fingers, his red moustache drooping. “Thank goodness,” he said.

Major McPherson stared at him, “Thank goodness for what?”

“The P.M. believes in us. I think I’d better have a word with John.”

Major William Clyde’s second visit to the quarters of Captain Bailey was less dramatic than his first. He had telephoned and asked if he could come by for a moment around seven, had been invited to come for dinner and had accepted.

He turned up this time unenveloped in any clouds of fire and brimstone, but with a file under one arm and a package shaped suspiciously like a bottle under the other. This suspicion was confirmed when he unveiled the parcel and revealed it as a bottle of King William Scotch Whisky.

“In the words of Gunner Lovejoy,” Tim said, “Gord luv you.”

Felicity was more simple. “Our benefactor,” she beamed.

“Currency,” said Major Clyde. They both looked at him not catching the allusion. “One twelfth of a Barbary ape, C.O.D., Tangier, Rabat or Ceuta. Your quotation,” the Major explained. “Plenty more where that came from.” Then he added, “It’s a more reliable conversational drink. Gin always makes me think I’m more clever than I am.”

Tim and Felicity exchanged a glance. Apes in the wind. They sat down to dinner. Felicity had made a stew to which she had added a number of exotic but available vegetables and spices, as the best way of expanding their ration. It was savoury and delicious, leading the Major to comment, “They didn’t teach you that in the W.R.N.S., did they?”

“Oh no,” said Felicity, “my father taught me that.”

It was Major Clyde who was caught by surprise, “Good God,” he said, “the Admiral? Oh, I say, I do beg your pardon. I didn’t mean—”

“Daddy is a wonderful cook,” Felicity said. “He loves it. It’s his hobby. When he commanded H.M.S.
Unconquerable
he had his own galley built next to his quarters. All the Captains used to like to be asked to his little dinners.”

Major Clyde said, “I suppose God
will
permit us to survive as long as we continue to amuse Him.” But there were more words and phrases than amuse in his mind, thinking of the British, words he would never dream of using, such as staunch and gallant and true to themselves, and not giving a damn for what anybody thought. For here was the daughter of a Vice-Admiral married to a penniless Captain because she loved him, sharing the doghouse into which her husband had got himself through zeal which was likewise unique and British. He found himself pleased with their company.

After dinner was over and the Major had produced two cigars which Felicity had eyed with suspicion, they being such a rarity on the Rock, Clyde got down to business.

From his folder he produced the thick loose-leaf notebook he had borrowed from Tim, along with a batch of material, notes and statistics apparently filched from the files. “I’ve been through your stuff,” the Major began, leafing through the notebook, “and the odd thing, you know, which will probably surprise your native modesty is that it
will
make a book some day which can be read with considerable profit by the high-domes who have to hook everything up to a machine before they believe it. I’ll be dining out on it when I get back to London. Would you believe it, my dear Duchess, that the gestation period of
Macaca Silvana
is one hundred and eighty days, or just three months less than ours? That the male reaches his adult stage at the age of five? That the females have their heats only between 15th December and 15th January of each year, and consequently the offspring are born in June and July? That young apes are breast fed for six months and have their milk teeth at about five months? Gospel, Ma’am. Personal observation of a friend of mine. I have also,” the Major continued, “been through the files, which are instructive, if not horrifying. If I were the German High Command I would simply concentrate upon capturing these documents and publishing them.”

The Major fingered through some of the bumph out of his case and continued, “I have here indisputable and documentary evidence that the Secretary of State for the Colonies and the Governor of Gibraltar once exchanged official telegrams regarding the subsistence allowance of the ape population; that the Crown Surveyor and Engineer has complained to the Honourable Colonial Secretary that the apes have been dribbling into the fresh-water supplies; that a Senior Medical Officer performed a post mortem operation on the body of a young ape, found a total collapse of the left lung and so reported to the Brigadier; that another Brigadier was politely turned down when he proposed to wish some of his apes on to the Regents Park Zoo; that one of your harassed predecessors had the honour to request of the authorities that he might dispose of two recalcitrant male apes known as Abraham and Wilfred; that after a brawl amongst the apes the Brigadier Commander of the Royal Artillery paid a visit to the scene of battle, possibly to count the pieces of fur that had flown, and interview the O.I.C. Rock Apes, thereafter corresponding on the subject with the Colonial Secretary; that the Revenue Inspector from the Revenue Department used up good Government stationery to advise the Financial Secretary that the peanuts in the two bins at Queen’s Gate on the upper Rock were of a very inferior quality; that the demise of a Rock ape named Judy was reported with all the clinical detail accorded to the passing of a film star or a demi-mondaine and that further bumph shows graduates from Sandhurst who have reached Brigade rank corresponding with their Excellencies the Governors, Colonial Secretaries, Foreign Office chaps and Members of Parliament, on subjects concerning the apes, from the proper age for copulation to the vendetta staged between two males named Antonio and Patrick for exclusive rights to a harem of ten females amongst whom appeared the attractive names of Beatrice, Mona, Maureen, Mary and Kathleen.”

Major Clyde took a deep breath and expelled it with a “Phew! Would anyone believe it?”

“And finally,” concluded the Major producing a very grubby bit of paper, scrawled upon almost illegibly in pencil, “I have got out of Lovejoy the gen on the present number and status of apes on the Rock. I might report that the Gunner’s morale is low. He still loves the apes, but he doesn’t love your Lieutenant Barton or anybody else, and is drowning his sorrows. He tells me that the Queen’s Gate pack is down to nine, of which no females are of breedable age and four are young apes not yet in adult stage. This is the outfit your friend Scruffy runs. There had been ten but this morning Scruffy killed one of his rivals. The Middle Hill pack is down to eleven, of which only two are of any value in breeding. The Gunner says that when the packs get down that low with less females available the fights to own them are more frequent and savage. He expects there will be pieces of apes scattered all over the top.”

“That’s right,” Tim said. “That’s in my notes.”

“So how would you like to be O.I.C. Apes again? Clyde asked with no change in the inflexion of his voice, letting the question carry its own impact.

Tim’s snap back back was almost immediate. “Fine,” he said.

“He wouldn’t,” remarked Felicity.

“Oh,” said Tim, looking over at her in surprise. “Sorry, I thought I would.”

“You wouldn’t,” Felicity reiterated, and the two men saw that her eyes were shining and her face rosy. They also noticed that the level of the liquid attributed to King William had fallen considerably. The bottle which had been passing around between them clockwise had been halted close beside her for a considerable time.

“You’ve been treated ablominably,” she said. Or at least that is what it sounded like to Tim. “They’ve got themselves into a mess or Major Clyde wouldn’t be here and now they want you to pull their horseshoes out of the fire for them.” She reflected. “It is horseshoes, isn’t it, Tim?”

“Horse chestnuts,” said Tim. “You were half-way home.”

“And that’s a fact,” added Major Clyde, though he didn’t state what.

“They humiliated you because you were doing the best job ever on your—on their filthy apes. They gave you a slum to live in, all the Brigade dirty work they could find to pile on to you, and now because old Smarmy-In-The-Box over there has got under their skins and people on the Rock are beginning to get the jitters, they think they can—”

Major Clyde interrupted sharply, “See here, young lady, how do you know people on the Rock have got the jitters?”

“I heard it at my hairdressers,” Felicity replied, “where all of you M.I. boys would go if you had any—”

“I know, I know,” Major Clyde said hastily, “I was only saying the same to McPherson earlier today. Well, never mind.”

“Ablominably,” Felicity said again, and now Tim squinted at her and was sure that that was what she had said, and also that she was a little tight. She continued, “You’re scared that your nasty old apes will all die, the Germans will find out and egg the Spaniards into the war and the legend will come true. And you want Tim to pull—”

Tim said, “I thought you loved the apes, Felicity.”

“I do, but I love you more. It’s true, isn’t it?” This last was addressed to Major Clyde who was considering the powers of accurate analysis which could descend upon a woman when some decent, uncut Scotch mixed with long-seething indignation.

The entrance of Spain into the war had been an ever-present menace and a worry since the beginning of the conflict, and from the first they had been engaging in a game of bluff on the Rock which up to that moment had been successful. But only he knew that with its Latin population easy to work into hysterics, an isolated garrison, Gibraltar was as psychologically vulnerable as it was exposed to the Spanish guns should they ever begin firing. The one key bastion of the Empire where morale must not be allowed to lapse was on the Rock. This had been his immediate concern for the past weeks.

The Major said, “May I have the bottle, please?” Felicity giggled and said, “Oh dear, I’m so sorry, I’ve been pigging it.”

The Major poured a good dollop and topped Tim’s drink as well. “Well then,” he said, “supposing we get down to business and discuss price.”

Tim started to speak but was too slow and Felicity was in the breach with lightning speed. “Some rank,” she said, “not temporary. Permanent. Just you try to get anything done around here as a Captain. A sergeant has more rank than a Captain.”

“I see,” said Major Clyde smoothly. “Anything in mind, Ma’am?”

“Well,” replied Felicity, “he ought to be able to look you in the eye.”

Tim gawked at his wife in utter amazement and his glance went from her to the bottle to his own glass from which he proceeded to take a long draught. If this was tiger juice he’d better have some too.

Major Clyde had got out a pencil and was scribbling on the back of one of the documents. “Major Bailey,” he murmured half to himself. “Anything else, young lady?”

“Decent living quarters. They’ve treated him ab—”

“Blominably,” Major Clyde found himself completing for Felicity. “I know. Lieutenant-Colonel Hoskins’s house is going. He’s posted out to Aden.”

Felicity instantly turned all woman. “You mean that ducky cottage in Battery Street? Would I be allowed to do it over?”

“I suggest you wait until the Colonel has departed before you start pulling down curtains. He’s house-proud. Well, is it a deal?”

The tigress returned once more. “Anything Tim says goes,” announced Felicity. “And anything he wants—cages, caves, bananas, and no interference from anybody. And Lovejoy is to have his scrounging privileges restored.”

“Darling,” Tim said, “one can’t have everything.”

Major Clyde said to Tim, “Look here, Bailey, if one got you what you needed and you had, say, unlimited—currency, how long would it take you to build up the ape packs back to pre-war strength and keep them there?”

Tim did some quick figuring based on his experience and devotion to the apes, as well as his African contacts. “Nine months,” he said, “nine months to a year at most, but in the meantime the existing pack would be kept up to strength and we ought to have nothing to worry about. We could get cracking at once on—” he stopped and suddenly looked bleakly at both Felicity and Clyde. “But what’s the use?” he said half-angrily. “We’re out and they’re in. The Brigadier wouldn’t hear of it and, begging your pardon, sir, you’re only a Major. What the hell are we all sitting here gassing about?”

Major Clyde gathered up his papers and files, restoring them to his case, arose and considering the amount of King William he himself had consumed reached the door with commendable steadiness. There he turned for a moment before going out and spoke but one sentence, “Just you wait, Major Bailey,” and then he was gone.

1 3
The Prime Minister Expresses Concern

B
rigadier J. W. Gaskell, O.B.E., D.S.O., M.C., sat at the desk which at that moment occupied the centre of a shattered world and contemplated the most appalling and disturbing signal that had come to his attention in his entire military career. It was from the Secretary of State to the Governor of Gibraltar. It had been transmitted in top-secret cypher and decoded privately by the chief of the Decoding Bureau, Wren 2nd Officer F. Bailey. On the margin had been scrawled and signed with the Governor’s initials, “J.W.G., this came this morning. Your toddler, I think. Keep me posted. F.L.”

It read as follows:

THE PRIME MINISTER HAS EXPRESSED SOME CONCERN AS TO WELFARE OF BARBARY APES ON GIBRALTAR ABOUT WHICH HE HAS HEARD DISQUIETING RUMOURS. HE IS MOST ANXIOUS THAT THEY SHOULD
NOT
BE ALLOWED TO DIE OUT. I HAVE RECEIVED DIRECTION FROM THE PRIME MINISTER THAT THE ESTABLISHMENT OF APES SHOULD BE NO LESS THAN 24 AND THAT EVERY EFFORT SHOULD BE MADE TO ACHIEVE THIS NUMBER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND MAINTAINING IT AS A MINIMUM THEREAFTER. GRATEFUL IF YOU WOULD TAKE STEPS ACCORDINGLY AND INFORM ME AS TO THE RESULT.