SEAL's Baby (Navy SEAL Secret Baby Romance) (19 page)

“Sure,” she answered
back.

“Did your life turn out
the way you imagined it would?”

  
It was a loaded question and I knew that, but I was contemplating
the answer myself and I wanted to know if Lizzie had the same thoughts when she
couldn’t sleep at night. More than anything, I wanted to know that I was not alone
in thinking about my life that way.

“Not even a little,”
Lizzie replied.

I raised my eyebrows.
“Not even a little huh?”

  
Lizzie sighed as we approached the cemetery. It stood on an
elevated slope and so that we were faced with a few lonely headstones that were
almost at eye level. She stopped outside the little swinging gate to the
cemetery and slipped her hand out of mine.

“I had something
completely different in mind,” she replied slowly. “Something more than the
life I have now.”

  
She didn’t wait for me to react or respond. She pushed open the
little gate and I was forced to follow her through it. We walked down and to
the left, right to the back where the larger, shadier trees grew. She went
straight for my father’s grave as though she had read my mind. She stopped
right in front of the headstone and waited for me to join her.

  
There was a small wreath of flowers lying lopsided on dad’s grave.
There were white flowers with little purple petals weaved through the wreath. I
bent down and adjusted it so that it was sitting comfortably against the pale
stone. I couldn’t believe that he was gone; sometimes it felt like I would turn
the corner and he would be sitting out on the patio reading a newspaper.

“It doesn’t seem real
does it?” Lizzie said softly, and again it felt like she was reading my
thoughts.

  
“No it doesn’t,” I agreed. I looked towards Lizzie and took her
hand again. “I don’t know if it will ever become real to me.”

  
“It will,” she said slowly. “Give it some time. At first it will
be like you’re searching, as though you’re still looking for the person you’ve
lost to walk into a room and smile at you. Sometimes you might even forget, you
might see something that would interest them and you make a mental note to tell
them, only to remember that it’s too late.

  
“But as time passes, it starts to sink in and you’ll have to reevaluate
then. In a way it’s like losing them a second time because now enough time has passed
for you to know that they really aren’t coming back and that hole in your life
is always going to be empty.”

  
I stared at Lizzie while she spoke. Her voice was soft and her
eyes were filled with aged sadness. “Sounds like you’ve been through this
before,” I pointed out.

“No,” she shook her head.
“No one very close to me has ever died … but that doesn’t mean I haven’t lost
people.”

I saw the meaning in her
eyes and I nodded. “You lost me,” I said.

  
“Yes,” she nodded. “I lost you, and for a long time it didn’t feel
real. I thought you’d go there, stay a couple of weeks, months even until you
realized that you made the wrong choice. I was convinced that after you
realized you’d made a mistake, you would have come back.”

“When did you realize
that I wasn’t coming back?”

  
“I think it was half way through your training,” Lizzie said. “You
called one day and you were thrilled because it was the first time you’d gone
through a successful training session. I heard the excitement in your voice and
I knew then that you wouldn’t come back. You had gone too far, you had
accomplished too much, and above all, you needed to prove to yourself you could
do it.”

“You know me too well,”
Dylan said softly.

“I used to,” Lizzie
nodded.

  
I led her to one of the trees beside dad’s grave and we sat down
together. The moon winked at us from its perch, sending silver rays down on
little patches of grass around us.

“Why did you stay in
Texas for college?” I asked. “I thought you always wanted to travel.”

“I did,” Lizzie nodded.
“I still do. But it just never happened for me.”

“It could have,” I
pointed out.

  
“I know, but that’s not the decision I made,” she answered. “I was
really low after graduation; I felt as though the only person I had left was my
mother and I wasn’t sure I could leave her alone. So I decided to stay and
build a life in Bastrop. But it didn’t turn out the way I had imagined.”

“What had you imagined?”

  
Lizzie smiled. “I thought by now I’d have been married a couple of
years,” she said. “Maybe even have a child or two. That might have been the
case, if it hadn’t been for—”

“Paul?” I asked before
she could finish.

  
“I chose wrong,” Lizzie said taking responsibility even where she
had none. “I was young and mixed up and lonely and I made the decision to marry
for all the wrong reasons.”

“Would you take back that
choice if you could?” I asked.

  
“Of course,” Lizzie nodded. “But there’s no point in living your
life in if’s. I did that once and it almost drove me crazy. Sometimes I feel as
though it did anyhow.”

“You’re not crazy,” I
said immediately. “You’re just … stuck.”

Lizzie looked down at her
hands. “I know.”

  
“You realize that you don’t have to be in a small town to be stuck
in life right?” I asked. “I’ve travelled all over the world and I’m as stuck as
you are.”

“How did that happen?”
Lizzie asked.

  
I sighed. “War changes you,” I said. “The fight changes you. It
puts things into perspective and makes you realize what is really important. But
sometimes, by the time you realize it, it’s too late.”

“What do you mean?”

  
“I made friends with this guy called Daniel Leigh during my training
before I was an official SEAL. We went through the whole damn thing together
and out of a group of fifty-three, were we two of eight that made it through
and took our oaths. He became my best friend but after the things we had been
through … he felt more like my brother.

  
“We ended up in the same unit and our first two deployments were stationed
in Afghanistan. He was a couple of years older than me and he was married. His
wife’s name was Helen and his daughter’s name was Lori. She was only fourteen
months and he hadn’t seen her for eleven of those months. He kept a picture of
Helen and Lori in a locket around his neck and he looked at it every night and
every morning like a prayer.

  
“He told me that he was thinking of finishing out his term and
then retiring early. He didn’t want to miss out on his daughter’s life, he
didn’t want to miss out on any more time with his wife. He just wanted some
peace. He wanted some boredom.”

“What happened to him?”
Lizzie asked softly when I fell silent.

  
“He died,” I replied. “Two days before we were scheduled to go
back home. He walked into a grenade and we had to pick up the pieces of his
body to give him a decent burial.”

 
 
Lizzie
reached out and wrapped her hand around my arm.

“His death hit me hard
and I realized that I’d made the right decision.”

Lizzie’s eyes grew
confused. “What decision was that?” she asked.

  
I shook myself out of my reverie. “Nothing,” I said quickly trying
to back track. “It’s not important now.” She didn’t press me and I was grateful.

“I met his wife once
after his death,” I admitted. “And I saw his little girl.”

“What was that like for
you?”

  
“It was … terrible, more terrible than I could have imagined,” I
replied. “I could see the grief written on her face, just like I can see it on
my mother now. But hers was different; she was resentful because she knew he
didn’t have to die. She knew that his death could have been avoided and I knew
she would live the rest of her life thinking about the 'ifs'. What if he had
never enlisted? What if he had chosen a different profession? What if he had
simply given it all up after his first tour and gone back home?”

“Why did you feel like
you had to meet her?” Lizzie asked.

  
“I was closest to him in our unit,” I explained. “I felt that she
should know how much he had loved her … and how much he had loved their
daughter. She probably already knew that but I wanted to make sure she heard
the words anyway.”

“You’re a good man,
Dylan,” Lizzie said. “You always have been.”

“I don’t know about
that,” I said tiredly.

“That’s ok,” Lizzie said
squeezing my arm. “I do.”

  
I smiled and she leaned in and laid a kiss on my cheek. It was
amazing how quickly she could make me feel human again, as though I was still a
part of this world and all the little miracles it had to offer.

“If you could have kids
tomorrow, would you?” I asked suddenly, greedy to know her dreams.

  
“I would,” Lizzie said without hesitation. “It was ironic, really,
the moment I knew I was getting divorced was the moment I realized how much I
wanted to be a mother.”

“You will be one day,” I
said.

“One day is a fairy tale
that’s miles away,” Lizzie said with a sad smile. “There’s no point thinking
about it.”

  
“Whenever it happens for you, I have no doubt you’ll be a fabulous
mother,” I said sincerely. She had that instinctive pull towards maternal care.
She had always been a loving person; she had always been kind and patient and
soft spoken. She was made to be a mother.

“What about you, Dylan?”
Lizzie asked. “Would you have kids tomorrow if you could?”

  
I didn’t even have to pause to consider that, I already had my
answer. It was a decision that formed in my head the day that Daniel had died.
“No,” I said shaking my head. “I would like to have children one day, I’d like
to have a family, but now is not the right time for me.”

Lizzie nodded. “I suppose
I can understand that.”

“I never had to explain
things to you,” I said.

Lizzie smiled. “We grew
up together; in a way, we raised each other.”

I nodded. “If it weren’t
for you I don’t know where I would have ended up.”

“Probably in the same
place you are now,” Lizzie said.

“You’ve gotten more
cynical since high school,” I pointed out.

“I like to think I’ve
gotten a little more realistic.”

I smiled. “I suppose
we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

  
Lizzie’s expression straightened out and she looked at me
seriously for a moment. “You’ve come close to death haven’t you?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Were you scared?”

“Very,” I nodded. “But I
wasn’t scared to die.”

“You weren’t?” Lizzie
asked in confusion.

  
“No,” I shook my head. “I was scared to die without having lived
first. I was scared to die before I’d had a chance to own a piece of land,
build a business that was completely my own, get married and have children. I
was scared of missing out on the important things.”

“There’s time,” Lizzie
reminded me.

“Thank God for that.”

  
She leaned in and kissed me again. “Come home with me,” she
whispered into my ear. “Spend the night with me.”

I felt heat course
through my body. “It would be my pleasure,” I replied.

Chapter Twenty

Elizabeth

  
The moment I opened the door, Elvis was there, meowing loudly and
pawing at my feet. I turned on the lights and gestured for Dylan to come
inside.

“You have a cat?” he
asked as Elvis glared at him suspiciously.

I smiled and picked Elvis
up off the floor. “I do,” I replied. “His name is Elvis.”

“Elvis?” Dylan smiled. “That
was the name of our imaginary dog.”

“I remember,” I nodded.
“But I wanted a pet and I didn’t have time for a dog, so …”

“You got a cat,” Dylan
nodded as he reached out to stroke Elvis. Elvis eyed him carefully but he
allowed Dylan to continue touching him.

“He doesn’t seem very
friendly,” Dylan pointed out.

  
“He’s probably just a little jealous,” I said as I dropped Elvis
onto the couch and turned on a few more lights. “So, this is it.”