Seasons of Sorrow (9 page)

Charlotte walked out to her car after a day that seemed to last an eternity. Her new boss, Brandon, was a very nice guy. He guided her through her responsibilities and introduced her to the staff. Still, it took tremendous energy to just go through the motions. By five in the afternoon, she was exhausted.

She was extremely tempted to call Brandy and cancel their happy hour date. Charlotte even picked up her phone and started to dial. Then she put it down. Greg and Brandy had done so much for her. They needed a break from the sorrow that seemed to remain around her like a cloud. She could hold herself together for one night for their sake.

Charlotte climbed into her car and headed out of the parking lot. Brandy wanted to meet at Gloria’s since the happy hour drinks were not only yummy but the cheapest in town. By five-thirty she pulled into a parking spot at the restaurant. She spotted Greg striding up to the front door.

Sucking in a deep, steadying breath, Charlotte climbed out of the car and headed into Gloria’s. Brandy and Greg had managed to snag a table even though the place was packed. They both gave her hugs when she approached the table.

“Hey, babe,” Brandy greeted her. “How was the first day?”

Charlotte gave her a small smile. “It was good. Brandon seems like a good guy and a good boss.”

Greg studied her for a moment. “That’s a lot of
good
. Why does it sound like that is a bad thing?”

She shrugged, embarrassed that Greg had seen through her brave face. “It’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

“What is?” Brandy asked.

“Pretending to be normal,” Charlotte replied.

Both her friends sat back in their chairs and she wanted to kick herself. She wanted tonight to be nice for them. It was selfish for her to keep dragging them down into dark thoughts that plagued her.

Greg surprised her. He leaned forward and placed his hand over hers. “You are normal, Char. Your entire life just changed and you’re allowed to experience whatever emotions you have. You don’t have to hide them from us. If you’re angry, then yell. If you’re sad, then cry. If something makes you happy, don’t be afraid to smile. There is no handbook for grief. You have to take things as they come.”

Charlotte stared at Greg, her lips slightly parted. Everything he said made sense and it also helped her let go of her guilt about not holding on to her brave face.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

Greg squeezed her hand lightly one more time before releasing it. “Now, tell us about your new job.”

Charlotte told them a little about what she would be doing at the construction firm. She was grateful when Greg started talking about new clients he was dealing with at work. He was careful not to mention Derek, and Charlotte was grateful for that. She didn’t want to know how he was doing.

Brandy seemed a bit withdrawn but eventually joined in, telling funny stories of things that had happened in court and how one of the particularly arrogant partners at her firm had received a set-down by a judge.

They ended up eating dinner together, sharing fajitas family-style. It was the first time in a long while that Charlotte felt even a little like her old self. Eating dinner with her two best friends like they used to do in college before she married Derek made her feel better, for a while at least.

By the end of the evening, Charlotte had to admit that Brandy was right to push her into having a night out. After the stress of the day, sitting at home and thinking about Adam, her new job, her asshole of a husband, and the three thousand other things that wanted to crowd into her brain would have been the worst thing she could have done.

After they finished eating, Greg insisted on paying. Brandy and Charlotte tried to argue, but he merely slid the waiter his card before they could stop him.

“It’s not everyday I get to take two gorgeous women out to dinner,” he teased.

“Laying it on a little thick, aren’t you?” Brandy asked, winking at Charlotte.

“Of course not,” Greg replied.

Charlotte said her goodbyes after their good-natured tiff and headed home alone. She walked into her dark, empty house and immediately felt any lingering lightness of the evening disappear. Greg and Brandy could distract her from the numbness for a while, but, now that she was alone, it seeped back into her skin, going all the way to her bones.

She wasn’t sure what she wanted more: the numbness or the anger. It wasn’t easy to go through the motions when she honestly wanted to do nothing but sit at Adam’s grave for hours each day. Still, she hated the anger that sometimes swelled within her, reaching up from the abyss of despair to claw at her insides and spew out of her.

With a sigh, Charlotte moved out of her kitchen, through the house, turning on a lamp here and there so it wouldn’t be completely dark. As it was her habit every night, she went into the nursery and ran her fingers along the edge of the crib, the soft fluffy ear of a stuffed rabbit, and finally picked up a framed photo of Adam right after he was born. As she did every night, she kissed the glass covering the photo, right above his sweet face.

Dead tired and aching with exhaustion, Charlotte went into her room and changed out of her work clothes. It was only eight at night but she was so tired that all she cared about doing was sleeping. After washing her face and brushing her teeth, she went downstairs to make sure everything was locked up and grab a glass of water.

By eight-thirty, she was stretched out in her bed, dead to the world.

Chapter Eight

New Year’s Eve, 2003

T
he party was in full swing. The little apartment Brandy and Charlotte shared managed to hold twelve people without exploding. For the first time, Charlotte didn’t feel out of place in the crowd. Every year, Brandy talked her into having a New Year’s Eve party with just a few of their friends, and, typically, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Tonight, though, she only felt happy.

Charlotte looked around. The party wasn’t huge, but a group of this size was usually enough to make her feel itchy. The reason for the change came up behind her and put his arms around her.

“Hey, baby. You havin’ a good time?” Derek asked in her ear.

She tucked her chin into her chest and grinned at the floor.

“Yeah. I’m having fun,” she answered.

He squeezed her closer. “Good. Want something to drink?”

Charlotte nodded.

“Let me guess…white wine?”

She giggled and nodded again.

Derek tickled her a little before he released her to head for the kitchen.

“All right, people!” Brandy jumped up on the coffee table and Charlotte held her breath. One of these days that woman was going to jump on a piece of furniture and it was going to collapse under her. “It’s almost time.” She glanced at the television as the count down started.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven,” Brandy chanted. The rest of the people followed her lead, including Charlotte.

Just as she reached four, a hand wound around her waist from behind. Charlotte smiled to herself and closed her eyes. Derek was going to kiss her at midnight on New Year’s. It was the first time a boyfriend had done it, but she always thought it was romantic.

As the countdown continued, she kept her eyes closed and turned to face him. When Brandy reached one, warm, firm lips closed over hers. Charlotte felt the touch of those lips all over her body. For the first time in her life, she knew what the romance novels were talking about when the heroine’s knees went weak. Her legs threatened to give way under her.

Still, the kiss was chaste, only their lips touching. Finally, Charlotte pulled away, smiling slightly. Without a doubt it was the best kiss of her life, sweet and gentle, but with an undercurrent of heat. It was the perfect way to ring in the New Year.

Slowly, her eyes opened and met the blue-grey of Greg’s. Charlotte stiffened slightly. The most beautiful kiss of she’d ever experienced and she had shared it with one of her best friends, not her boyfriend.

“Happy New Year, Charlotte.” Greg’s voice was just loud enough for her to hear it over the shouts and laughter as people kissed and hugged throughout the apartment.

Her breath catching in her throat, she said, “Happy New Year, Gregory.”

Suddenly, Derek was beside her, turning her into his arms, and the moment was broken. He kissed her long and hard. By the time the kiss ended, Greg was long gone and Charlotte wondered if she was the only one who felt the beauty of that moment.

She didn’t know why, but it made her sad to think that all that wonder was one-sided. Greg disappeared not long after that. She never had a chance to speak to him about it again because, the next day, Derek proposed to her and she put thoughts of that kiss out of her head. Greg was her friend and nothing more.

Chapter Nine

April, Present Day

C
harlotte had been in her new job for just a little over a month. After a couple of weeks, she found that she liked it. While she didn’t have as much time to go to Adam’s grave as she used to, Charlotte found that keeping busy kept her from sliding back into the pit of despair. She still thought of her little boy every day, missed him every day, but she found that the numbness was beginning to fade slightly. As a result, she felt fragile. The memories gained an edge, a sharpness that cut each time she thought about Adam. Her grief was no longer providing a cushion of apathy. Instead, she was more sensitive and easier to anger. She found herself having to stop and take a deep breath in situations in which she normally would have more patience.