Second Chance (27 page)

The game came to an end, Paul seeming to be the winner. Lewis got to his feet as though pleased it was over. I went in as he was saying goodbye. ‘I'm glad I caught you,' I said. ‘You've been so kind. I hope they've given you something to eat.'

‘I've had a great evening,' Lewis said.

‘We had tinned mushroom soup and cheese on toast,' Annabel said. ‘Lewis cooked us cheese on toast. The crusts were black, and it was really good.'

Paul said nothing, but when Annabel took Lewis to the door, he offered to run him home. ‘No thank you,' Lewis said. ‘It's a lovely evening. I've got my bike.'

‘Do you believe in love at first sight?' Annabel asked us as soon as he'd left.

‘Annabel, you're not yourself,' Paul said. ‘You know perfectly well that you're in a highly wrought and highly emotional state. Please try not to get involved in something you'll regret later. Lewis is a perfectly decent boy, I'm not denying that, but I'm quite certain he's the type who takes things very seriously, definitely not the type to indulge in a light-hearted affair. Don't you agree with me, Kate?'

‘Yes, Paul, I do agree that Lewis is the sort who takes things seriously. And yes, Annabel, I do believe in love at first sight. And now I'm going to have a bath and then I'm going to bed. I'm very tired and I've been worried sick. No, Annabel, don't apologise. It wasn't your fault but mine. I never considered any explanation that didn't involve fatal accident or rape.'

‘Do you really care about me, then?' Annabel asked, sounding awed and completely astonished.

‘Yes, I really think I do.'

I lay in the bath until the water was quite cold. When I'd dried myself and put on my dressing gown, I felt as weak and helpless as I'd ever felt in my life. Worn out by emotion. Had I had anything to eat during the day? I couldn't remember.

‘You'll have to sleep on the sofa,' I told Paul. ‘There are blankets and pillows in the airing cupboard.'

‘I thought it would be all right to sleep with you,' he said. ‘We're not exactly strangers, are we?'

‘No, we're not strangers. And we're both pretty disturbed and in need of comfort at the moment. That's why we could get caught up in something we'd regret later, something which would make things even more complicated than they are already. Goodnight, Paul. Goodnight, Annabel.'

I slept soundly, but woke before dawn. Soon after seven-thirty I could hear Paul moving about downstairs so I got up, realising that we needed to talk. I knew, and he probably knew, that life with Francesca wasn't going to be easy; I wanted him to know that he and I could still be friends.

I pulled on my trousers and sweater, the only clothes I had with me apart from my Gucci suit, and went downstairs. ‘Paul, I need to talk to you,' I said. ‘Annabel won't be up for at least a couple of hours, so we won't be disturbed. I'll make some coffee. How are you?'

‘You don't want to know.'

‘I do.'

‘I'm off to Salzburg on Monday. The Japanese assignment didn't come off, my assistant tied up the Spanish thing, so I'm grabbing this one. Only a few days' work. Not very interesting. But at least something to occupy my mind.'

‘Good. I'm starting work too in a couple of weeks. A crap job, but better than nothing, I suppose.'

We looked hard at each other. Our conversation had echoes of so many others.

‘I don't know how I'm going to live without you,' Paul said. ‘Francesca will probably be back with Mark by the end of the year.'

‘Only I think this one was a Matthew, love. And you don't know that. She's going through a great deal. Nothing has really touched her before. This tragedy may completely alter her.'

‘It may completely alter me, too.'

‘Not in the same way.'

‘Anyway, what about Annabel? She seems really off her trolley. She's completely lost it, hasn't she?'

‘There's no coffee. Damn. I remember now, I asked Laurie to call in for some on his way here, but he couldn't even manage that. Tea all right?'

‘Fine.'

I made a pot of tea and carried it into the living room. It was the last of my mother's tea. Carradine. – her favourite. She always insisted it was Welsh tea.

‘Why in God's name has she turned against Laurie? Such an eligible young chap. Solid. Dependable. And likeable, too.'

‘I'm going to leave Laurie out of it, if you don't mind.' I poured out the tea. ‘I want to talk about Annabel. You've been caught up in your own suffering, so you haven't given Annabel as much thought as I have.'

‘I have, believe me. She's lost more than anyone. Her other half. I realise that.'

‘And of course there's also Miranda Lottaby.'

‘Who?'

‘The girl who died of drugs.'

‘Are you saying Annabel was responsible for that? I thought...'

‘No, as a matter of fact she wasn't. But she could have been. And since Selena's death, I think that's been on her mind a great deal. How that poor girl's family has suffered.'

‘Are you sure? That doesn't sound like Annabel. She seemed able to dismiss all that.'

‘No. I found some cuttings from the local paper under her pillow when I was straightening her bed. “Parents Weep at Bedside” – that sort of thing. Miranda wasn't a particular friend of hers, but she feels that Selena thought she was implicated in her death, and that it may have triggered her suicide. So you see, she feels guilty as hell – as well as heartbroken. That's why she wants a new persona. That's why she's turned to me. In her mind, I was her complete opposite – sensible, dull, worthy. That's why the funeral is being held here. It's the opposite of everything she's known. When her grandfather died, the funeral was a very smart affair, everyone in designer black and the Oratory full of white lilies. You told me that. You thought it over the top and I suppose she and Selena were far more scathing about it. So she's insisted on Horeb Chapel, Glanrhyd, with no guests, no flowers.'

Paul listened in grave silence. ‘Are you sure of all this?' he asked at last.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. ‘No, I'm not sure of anything. I'm just feeling my way through the maze.'

‘So that could be why she's turned against Laurie?'

‘I think she's turned against Laurie because she found him wanting. But she'll tell you about that. Though perhaps not today.'

Paul studied my face as though I were a map. ‘What a wonderfully sane person you are,' he said.

‘Sane? Since I've been home I've had a passionate affair with my cousin Rhydian who has a wife and three young children. I should have told you about it when you told me about Francesca, but I simply didn't have the bottle.'

Another long silence. ‘I thought you two were rather more than friends,' he said at last. ‘Well, I can understand it. You've had two deaths to cope with in so short a time.' He seemed to be making an effort to keep his voice steady.

‘It started before I knew about Selena. He and his wife called round on my second evening here.'

‘It doesn't mean anything,' Paul said, as though to comfort me.

‘It means everything, believe me.'

He poured me another cup of tea, again as though to comfort me. I could feel tears, hot and salty, on my cheeks. Could I possibly live without Rhydian? When we'd decided last night to renounce each other, it had seemed a grand, uplifting gesture, but what did I have left? A blank, my Lord. I blinked away my tears and took another sip of tea. ‘Thank God Annabel was safe,' I said. ‘What if she'd been found dead as well?'

‘I didn't realise you and Annabel were so close.'

‘Neither did I.' I took a deep breath. ‘Since this seems a day for confessions, I may as well tell you that I had an abortion just over three years ago. I'd touched on the possibility of our having a baby, but it was all too obvious that you weren't in favour and I wasn't brave enough to go through with it on my own.'

‘Oh, God. So I let you down then as well. Yes, I remember how nervous I felt when you mentioned it. Terrified of yet more commitment. What a coward I was.'

‘You told the truth. I suppose you'd have come round if I'd said it was definite, but I didn't. Just took an easier option. Or one I thought was easier.'

‘Oh, God, what a mess it all seems.'

‘I'm telling you so that you understand about Annabel. Perhaps that's why I feel as I do towards her. When legally I'm not even her stepmother.'

‘What's going to happen to her? Who the hell is this Lewis she seems to have fallen in love with?'

‘Hasn't she told you? He's the new minister of Horeb. He was sitting on the cliffs in Cwmllys, quietly reading some worthy book, when, lo, his life changed.'

‘Don't make light of it.'

‘I'm not. At the moment, I think it's important to both of them. I've no idea what will happen in the future, but I do know that he's more of a man than you take him for. Of course, Annabel thinks he's a pre-Raphaelite angel.'

‘God help us.'

‘And he does seem to have a touch of the angel about him. Even I can recognise that.'

‘I was late coming back because I fell asleep. Yes, in that little sheltered spot just off the cliff path where we first met Lewis. Well, you remember what a terrible night I'd had, all those dreams. Anyway, I fell asleep and it was nearly four o'clock when I woke up. And when I got back to the car I discovered I'd lost the fuckin' keys. I didn't know your phone number and there wasn't a directory in the kiosk, so what could I do but walk? And you know how I hate walking. And when I'd walked about a mile, I got to this junction and this signpost and I must have taken the wrong turning. I didn't even know the name of this village; all I could remember was that it was unpronounceable. But both the names seemed the same jumble of consonants and of course I chose the wrong road.'

‘Never mind, you got here in the end. And all in one piece.'

‘I had a lift eventually. Two rather portly middle-aged men on holiday. In shorts. You know how I hate men in shorts. I wouldn't have accepted a lift from them except that I was absolutely desperate. And of course I wasn't able to tell them where I wanted to go. All I could remember was Horeb. I told them I wanted to go to a village where there was a red-brick chapel called Horeb. So we drove round for well over an hour looking for the right place. They smelt of sweat, but we got quite friendly in the end. They were chiropodists from Manchester.'

‘They might have abducted you.'

‘They might have given me some plasters for my blisters, but would you believe, they didn't have any. They said
they
wore suitable footwear.'

‘But they did eventually find the house.'

‘We did eventually find Horeb and I got out there to call on Lewis. But he wasn't in.'

‘Well, you know why that was. He was on your trail. But you managed to find your way back here on your own?'

‘No, it was pitch dark by this time, so I dropped into the pub. And the postwoman was there with her mother-in-law and they bought me a beer and a shrimp and salad sandwich. And when I told them I wanted to live down here, they said there was a living-in job going at the something-something hotel on the something-something road. And the postwoman, Lorna, is taking me there at half-past one today when she finishes work. And then her husband, Cliff, came in and he drove me back here in his van. And Paul was already here. And, well, you know the rest. Where's Paul now?'

‘He went for a walk up the hill. I don't know what he's going to think about you trying for a job at the Maes Garw Hotel.'

‘Don't you? I do. He's going to be one hundred per cent against. What about you?'

‘Sixty to seventy per cent against. I'm glad you've found something you want to do, but I don't think you're strong enough. Hotel work is very hard. I did it as a student so I know. And you're pregnant, remember.'

‘I may only stay for a few months.'

‘Lewis being the attraction, I suppose.'

She came over to where I was sitting and hugged me so hard I nearly lost my breath. ‘What a pity you can't stay as well,' she said.

‘I'll miss you. But you can always come to live with me in Camberwell if things don't work out.'

‘Yes, I was counting on that. Perhaps I'll be quite good at cooking and things after working at the hotel for a while. That is, if I get the job. Do I look like a second chef?'

I didn't have to answer that question because Paul appeared at the window. ‘I've been down to look at the cemetery,' he said, as he came in. ‘It's a beautiful spot, overlooking the whole sweep of the valley with the mountains in the distance. I know it's probably sentimental and foolish, but I'll always get a measure of comfort to think of her being there. Would you like to come to see it, Annabel?'