Second Chances (31 page)

Through it all, silence stretched between Brian and Karina. She broke the silence. "Is that what we're doing? Are we handing Ian his greatest wish, even without his assistance?"

"Does it seem that way to you?" Brian looked at her seriously. "Let's take a coffee outside to the patio."

That was a good idea. Karina would have to face the disarray of her bedroom soon, but not right now. They refilled their mugs and wandered outside to the patio. The storm had broken and fresh winds had swept the remnants of the darkness away, and now warm sunshine streamed down on them. Karina tried to relax but this moment—and this conversation—was too important to pass off.

"Brian, about this morning, if I've done something wrong, I'm sorry." She paused then looked directly in his eyes. "However, I'd like to know what I'm apologizing for."

He stared at her in astonishment. "I'm not mad at you! You certainly haven't done anything that you need to apologize for."

She stared. "You sure fooled me. I assumed you were mad about last night…"

He gently laid a hand on her arm, repeating, "I am not mad at you. I'm mad at myself."

"About what?"

Brian carefully put his cup down to fold his arms on the table. He looked at her soberly.

"Karina." He stopped to gather his thoughts. "It just seemed like no matter what I tried to do, it went wrong. All I ever wanted was to keep you safe."

She opened her mouth to speak and he held up both hands, signaling her to wait. She took a deep breath and pressed her lips shut.

"Let me finish." Slowly, determinedly, he continued, "Then I ruined everything by taking advantage when you came to me in the night for comfort. For comfort—my God, I was so rough with you. Because of me, you once again hurt your shoulder."

Staring off down the beach, he didn't see her close her eyes as she finally understood. Idiot, she thought affectionately.

"I didn't need your doctor to tear a strip off me. I'd already castigated myself. He warned me that if your shoulder didn't heal properly then there was a good chance that you wouldn't regain the full range of movement. He made it very clear that I wasn't to touch you again." Guilt filled his expression.

Karina was appalled. "The doctor shouldn't have said that. You're not responsible for me.
I
am. I appreciate you taking care of me but as for the night we spent together—that's ridiculous."

"Just…"

She held up
her
hand this time, determined to have her say. There was no way she was going to let him feel guilty about something she'd done—especially when she didn't feel the same way. "No, it's your turn to listen to me. Last night I wanted you. And I got exactly what I came for—a night of hot lovemaking."

Ruefully, he looked down at his hands. "Even if you did start it, I should have been gentler. However, once I touched you, I lost the battle. I hurt you in the process and that was unforgiveable."

She covered his hands with her own.

"At no time was I in pain. I don't know when the injury happened and I don't care. There was no real damage done. What hurt much worse was waking up to a cold stranger without knowing why."

"I felt terrible." His gaze was turbulent with emotion and her heart couldn't help but respond. "You are a special woman, Karina, incredibly strong and valiant. I appreciate and admire who you've become."

"And for that I love you." she said.

But apparently Brian wasn't ready for absolution. He smiled gently at her. "I know you think you feel that way. But it's the aftermath of the violence. The trauma we've been through. I hope you love me, but you can't be sure of your feelings at this point. They've got to be mixed up with relief and gratitude."

"It isn't for you to tell me how I feel," she said, frustration beginning to war with amusement. "It is if you aren't seeing clearly."

Karina shook her head. "Of all the things that I worried about when I contemplated telling you how I feel, I never considered that you wouldn't believe me." She leaned back in her chair.

"Look honey, I'll be happy if what you feel turns into the real thing. Right now, danger would have amplified your feelings. Give us time to develop a relationship under normal circumstances and when you're sure that I'm the man you want I'll be proud and delighted. Until then, I think that we should take it slow."

Brian actually seemed happy with his speech.

Karina couldn't believe it. She really did wish he were ready to tell her how he felt, though. But he was just as likely to hold back on his feelings to make sure he wasn't influencing her. She had to trust that he was taking each step as fast as he was capable.

She really had no other choice.

***

The friendly goodbye kisses and good night cuddles resumed. Much to Karina's frustration, that was all Brian would allow. Every time she tried to ignite his passion to a depth that would carry them both off, Brian firmly reined in his control and ended the embrace.

"Not until the doctor says your shoulder's okay," he said several nights later.

"But I feel fine. Besides, there are other things we could do," she said.

"My control isn't up to that." He looked at her disgruntled face and actually grinned at her.

The nerve of the man!

Then he really did it. "Besides, I don't think yours is either."

And that was that.

Under no circumstances was she going to get him into her bed again until she passed her doctor's inspection. With that thought in mind, she phoned to make an appointment. The receptionist said she couldn't get in until next week, but she wouldn't accept that. In no uncertain terms, she explained what her doctor was keeping her from and that she wanted him to fix it. Now.

The nurse had exploded into gales of laughter, but had gone to see what she could do. The doctor agreed to see her on Thursday. Before ringing off, the nurse asked, "Do you think you can wait that long?"

Karina's face flushed bright red as she replaced the phone. She could just imagine what the visit itself would bring. But embarrassment be damned, she was going. The doctor was going to write Brian a note. She could just imagine his smirk with that request. Tough. This was too important to be fainthearted now.

By appointment time, Karina was on overload. Friendly kisses, touches and hugs were going to drive her out of her unfriendly mind. She was a hot, sexy female, being denied something that she badly wanted. No more. She was going to fix it today.

Tonight, Brian had better watch out.

She'd thought about doing the strawberries, wine and whatever else scene again and had decided against it. This time Brian got just her. Passion, honesty and love rolled into her very hungry female body. Damn, she couldn't wait.

After tonight, he wouldn't doubt her feelings at all.

The doctor's office was packed.

She didn't mind the wait, but it was a little hard to ignore the smirks on the faces of the staff. Obviously, someone had tattled. That was okay. She could deal with their laughter; after all, they wouldn't have Brian in their arms tonight to make them feel better. She would.

The doctor was preoccupied while he checked out her wound. After making her show him the range of movement and muscle activity that she had, he gave her the name of the physiotherapist that he wanted her to go see.

"It looks good, but she can give you some exercises to build and strengthen that area. Take it easy for a while but you should be back to full activity in a week or two."

He started to walk out of the room when she stopped him.

The look on his face when he finally understood her request was comical. "Let me get this straight. You want me to write him a note giving him permission to resume your sex life?"

"Yes. You reamed him out so badly the last time we were here that he won't touch me for fear of doing more damage. You created this mess so you'll have to fix it." He could laugh, but even if she was exasperated and embarrassed—he was still going to write that note.

And laugh he did. He bent over double, howling in delight. The nurse popped her head in the room to make sure everything was okay, and on seeing Karina there, she grinned and left again. The doctor finally had to sit down to regain his breath. With a prescription pad in one hand, he spent a moment staring at the wall, still chuckling softly. He then scribbled something down, while calling out to the nurse for an envelope. He tucked the note inside swiped his tongue over the strip of glue. After writing Brian's name on the outside of the envelope, he handed it over to her.

"There you go. Give it to him with my best wishes."

Karina narrowed her eyes at him and looked down at the package in her hand. She really wanted to ask, but couldn't get up the nerve.

The doctor's chuckles echoed all the down the hallway on his way out.

***

It was Thursday, and Brian's last evening lecture for his current session. Their friends were already there when Brian and Karina arrived.

She was handing over her jacket to Mark to hang up when she found the doctor's letter in her pocket. She handed it to Brian.

"What's this?"

"Something for later. I know you're running behind, so don't worry about it right now."

He smiled and dropped a swift kiss on her cheek before heading toward the stage.

Karina found Sandra and Susan and took her seat beside her friends.

The final lecture was interesting and engaging. Brian seemed to be fully back on his game, and the evening flew by. Although for Karina, who was sitting on pins and needles of anticipation, time couldn't move fast enough. Just before the seminar would normally close, Brian asked for their indulgence.

He opened with a question for his audience.

"Have you ever been so sure, so positive, about what another person should do in a certain situation, only to find out later that you were wrong?"

Several heads nodded in amused understanding.

"Change is taking place in all our lives, all the time," he continued. "Often we don't see the inner turmoil in people until they do unexpected things." He paused for effect, his smile inviting everyone to join in on a secret. "It's important to remember that we all need the space to honor our own growth and that of our partners. In our individual ways."

Karina mulled over the simple truth of his words. His next words snapped her back to the seminar.

Brian walked back and forth across the stage, a curious smile on his face. "That is the subject of my next book, titled, 'Perfect Partners.'

"This book is all about giving up our expectations of what we think we know is best for others and for ourselves. Making decisions, admitting you're wrong and doing what's right, are three of the hardest things we face when in a relationship with a special someone."

Karina couldn't believe just how applicable his words were.

"This has been brought home to me in several major ways in my own life these last few weeks. I don't know if you have been following the news, but
my
partner and I have survived some of the most traumatic events a person can go through. We faced danger, were attacked several times and even came close to death." The soberness and obvious truth of his words had the audience gasping at his words. "Yet, we remained strong. Only afterwards did I realize that the real foe was within us. Our insecurities, our fears, led to a distancing between us because we each hadn't wanted to hurt the other. Me, in particular. I was so sure what was right for her…that I never listened and never spoke the words that I needed to speak. She was more honest, but I wouldn't listen. After all," he gave a self-deprecating smile, "I knew better."

That brought a small ripple of amusement from the audience.

Karina couldn't believe he was actually speaking about this in front of everyone. A gentle hand covered her clenched one. She looked over at Susan.

"Trust, remember," she whispered.

Karina grimaced, but relaxed—somewhat.

Brian continued. "We brought this about through our own lack of confidence, through our own fears and lack of belief in the other. I was guilty of these mistakes more than my partner."

He paused for effect. His honesty captured the audience. Not a soul could say they hadn't made the same mistakes at some time. However, no one expected to hear a speaker of his caliber admit to the same.

Karina sat there reeling.
My God
.

"When my partner and I got together, she was in a state of change. She'd made massive external changes in her life and I was proud of her. Did I remember to tell her? No, I don't think I did. Then we entered this nightmare, during which time she continually surprised me. It's not that I did anything wrong."