Second Hand (Tucker Springs) (19 page)

I couldn’t wait to do it again.

El lay awake in the dark, on his side on top of the covers, as he watched Paul sleep.

They hadn’t done everything on El’s sexual list, but they’d made some serious headway. He’d get hard in the shower for a month just thinking about what they’d done in there, and his recliner was now officially an erogenous zone. Takeout subs would probably give him a boner for the foreseeable future, as well.

He still felt a well of panic whenever he thought about the other things he’d confessed, and the fact that Paul hadn’t ever exactly said, “Why yes, I’d love to date you, and aren’t you so sweet to ask that way,” or anything remotely Hallmark-like, wasn’t helping his case. Where the fuck that had come from, he didn’t know, but he wished he could stuff the conversation back. He felt too raw, too exposed.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Hadn’t Denver pointed out that he’d thrown his hat into the ring of a game he couldn’t win? Wasn’t this exact situation what he’d always sworn he’d avoid?

A rustle and a brush of hair against his toes was his only warning before something lapped at his feet. “Come here, girl,” El whispered, and MoJo promptly scurried over, trading up to lick his face.

El shut his eyes, settled back into his pillow, and gave himself over to her ministrations.

I’m gay.

The words resonated in my head all the way home late that night, as I went to sleep, and when I woke up the next morning. I woke up early too, so early I decided to walk to the office. I swung by Mocha Springs Eternal and got an egg sandwich and a latte, eating out on the sidewalk tables because it was a beautiful morning. I couldn’t think about that, though. All I could think about was,
I’m gay.

I don’t know if I was trying to get used to it or what. I still wasn’t entirely sure that’s what I was—gay, or bi? I didn’t know, and I wasn’t sure it mattered. The idea wasn’t making the pit of my stomach feel like a big hole anymore, but it still felt like my throat was stopped up with my heart, which beat so hard it tried to come out my ears. All I knew was I felt strange, like I’d woken up in new skin. Or with some new door open letting in a breeze that alternately excited me and made me panic.

I’m gay. Or bi. Or something.

I’m gay.

I walked in the front door of the office. Nick stood behind the counter, checking something on my computer. When he saw me, he smiled. “Hey, Paul. How are you this fine Monday?”

“I’m gay,” I replied.

Out loud. I’d said it out loud. I froze, the heart-in-throat feeling so intense I thought I’d pass out.

Nick blinked a few times, then winked at me as he grinned. “Congratulations.” He turned back to the monitor. “Just printing something and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Eventually I was able to move, but my legs felt like jelly as I came behind the counter. “Sorry. I—I don’t know why I blurted that out.”

“I think a little more blurting things out would be good for you, Paul, especially things as important as that.” He hit a few keystrokes and stood up, stretching and grimacing at his watch. “Brooke already called in. I probably should have out-and-out fired her, but . . .” His gaze slid to me. “Well, to be honest, I wanted to talk to you before I did anything.”

I was still reeling from my confession, and I couldn’t keep up with such an abrupt conversational shift. “Me?”

“Yes, you.” He leaned against the file cabinet and gave me an almost scolding look. “I’ve been waiting for you to suggest this yourself, but clearly you need a bit of a nudge. What would you say to taking Brooke’s place?”

“Sure. I never mind filling in.”

Nick’s smile lifted at the corners. “I mean taking her place permanently, Paul. How would you like to be my vet tech?”

I’m pretty sure my jaw fell open. “Me?”

“Yes, you. I know you did at least some vet school, so you have to have most of the classes for the associate degree already. It might seem weird, going back for an undergraduate degree when you already have one, but really, I think that will make it that much easier for you, having played the game once before. I’ll be able to give you more to do if you go back for the full four-year program, but even that you should be able to complete with a patch job. If you aren’t comfortable with student loans, we can negotiate some kind of advance or I can help you look into scholarships.”

When I remained speechless, he laughed and nudged me with his elbow. “Come on, say yes. I don’t want to hire another flake. I want to hire you.”

I didn’t know what to say. Between El telling me—and showing me—he wanted me and now Nick offering not just to hire me as a tech but also to help me go back to school for the official degree, I wondered if I was dreaming. Next thing I knew I’d be winning the Curb Appeal contest. This wasn’t my life. Things like this didn’t happen to me.

And yet, it appeared that at least for now, they did.

“Okay,” I said at last, and Nick clapped me on the back.

“Great. Put out an ad for a new receptionist, and as soon as we get you a replacement, we can start your technician training in earnest. Meanwhile, put in your application for the fall semester at East Centennial, and we can talk about how you want to pay for it over lunch.”

I told El about my new job when he came over to my house after closing up the shop for the night. It seemed a little early to me for him to be closing, but we were so focused on the job thing, I forgot to ask why.

“He acted like he’d been waiting for me to volunteer for the job,” I told El as we maneuvered
Detroit Daisy
to the back of the house. He’d told me he’d be over in a few days to pick it up with his friend’s truck. He seemed oddly happy about it, too. MoJo was also filled with joy, but it seemed to be more about a pair of butterflies that kept dancing around her head while she wrapped her lead chain round the tree we’d tied her to.

“Probably he figured out that waiting for you to realize he wanted you would mean waiting until Doomsday. Shit, this is crazy heavy.”

I stopped, peering around the sculpture at El. “What do you mean, he’d wait until Doomsday for me to figure it out?”

“Because that’s how you are, Paul. The last one to know when someone wants you.” When I opened my mouth to protest, he rode over my objection, nodding to Bill’s yard. “That girl over there is the same one you went to lunch with the other day, right?”

How did he know I’d been to lunch with Lorraine? “Yeah, why?”

“She keeps casting these longing looks your way, but they don’t seem to register with you at all. I bet she thinks you’re not interested, but I’m betting you don’t even have a clue that she
is
interested, do you?”

My eyes widened as I glanced over to where Lorraine huddled with Bill over a flat of annuals. “Lorraine is interested? In me?” I frowned. “No. She’s picking favorites for the contest, is all.”

“Like I said. Doomsday.” He slid a hand around my waist and brushed a kiss on my cheek.

I glanced over at Lorraine a lot after that, trying to decide if El was right. We were doing some more work together on my yard, taking out Stacey’s edging and putting in a few things El had found at the shop, some of them actual lawn ornaments, some of them nothing more than interesting items he seemed to believe would help my cause. The jewel-colored, glass-studded birdbath was great, but I wasn’t sure about the old bicycle until he had it propped up against the side of the house in front of an old window, with, of all things, some broken pots. But once it was all arranged, it didn’t look too bad.

“It’ll be better with a few plants in front of it, and maybe some pea gravel. My abuela has some plants that need thinning, and my sister has a pile of rocks on a slab in her backyard from some project that never got finished. She needs those gone anyway, so I’ll bring them over tomorrow night. Hey. That reminds me.” He tucked a hand in his pocket, looking almost nervous. “What are you doing on the Fourth?”

“My mom will be in town. She’ll be here on Wednesday, actually. Why?”

“No reason,” El said, sounding relieved, and turned away.

I didn’t press him because I was too busy realizing I’d have to tell my mother I was gay. Or did I? Maybe I could do it the next time she visited. Unless El kissed me or something in front of her. Would he do that, though?

What were we doing, anyway? Dating? We weren’t boyfriends, we’d said, but . . . I thought of what we’d done together the night before, and blood pooled in my groin.

How would we be able to do anything at all with my mother here?

“Slow down, tiger,” El said, laughter in his voice. “You’re going to short your brain out with all that thinking.”

“Sorry.” I relaxed from the crouch I’d been holding in front of a flowerbed and sat hard on the ground, my brain still moving as fast as ever. “This is all just . . . overwhelming.”

“This what?”

“This.” I gestured between the two of us. “Us. Being together. Like we were last night.”

El raised an eyebrow at me. “Why?”

I swallowed hard. “I just . . . I still have a hard time believing it, I guess. That you would . . . want me.” That
anybody
would, but I wouldn’t be pathetic and admit that.

“That seems to be a theme with you, not knowing people want you—in lots of ways.” He cocked his head to the side. “I wonder how many people have tried to get your attention, only to wander off in despair of ever achieving it.”

The thought startled me, and I endured a few terrible moments of combing through my memories, wondering where he might have been right, wondering how I’d ever find out.

He chuckled. “They just have no staying power, in my opinion. Anyway, their loss is my gain.”

I looked at him levelly. “Because
you
want me.” I felt silly saying it out loud, but somehow, the moment seemed to call for reassurance.

He leaned in close, drawing my earlobe into his mouth before whispering, “Yes.”

I was dizzier now, but in a very good way. “So that means you want to . . .”

He chuckled and nuzzled my ear again. “Take you to bed? Yeah, Paul. I do.” The kiss he placed on my temple was so light it made my stomach fill with butterflies. “Would that be okay with you?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

I thought he would laugh again, but he didn’t. Instead, he put his hand on my thigh and squeezed. “Would you like to go to bed with me right now?”

“Yes,” I said quickly, eagerly, and the next thing I knew, I’d been lifted to my feet, and I followed El as he led me inside by the hand.

I glanced at Lorraine again as El let go of me to rescue MoJo, and I kept my eye on her as we rounded the corner to the front door. She had a very odd look on her face, and I felt my face heat as I realized what she’d seen.

It dawned on me that being with El in any way at all truly would mean I’d be telling everyone I was gay. Not just Nick, but my neighbors and everyone. Random people who saw us kissing or smiling at each other. People in the supermarket, maybe. My mom—if not this week, then eventually.

I’d have to tell Stacey.

I didn’t know what to think about this. I didn’t
want
to think about this, but something told me there was no way El would keep us as a secret. Or if he would, he wouldn’t like it, which would almost be worse. Thinking about announcing it, though, made it all so real, breaking the chipmunk out of his paralysis to ask me how I knew I really was gay, or whatever, how I didn’t know this wasn’t some kind of hallucination and I’d come out as gay but then not be gay later and wouldn’t that be a mess?