Second Nature (16 page)

Labor Day

When I pulled up to his
house, I was as surprised to see
Jake
as he was to see
me. I didn’t know why I had driven to his house. It was like I was on
autopilot.

He hurried out to the car,
looking worried. “Lain, you okay?” He was the second person to ask that and as
the day was getting on, the answer was getting worse.

I shook my head, unsure
as to why my autopilot would bring me to his house or what I was honestly going
to say. How did I tell him everything my father had told me? How did I say that
all my leads had died off and that I was one step closer to being charged with
my friend’s murder?

Instead of talking, he
did the thing I needed him to do. He wrapped himself around me, and he let me
unload with deep sighs and silence. We stood like that for a long time before
he pulled back. “Come inside.”

I nodded and I let him
lead me through the front door. Mr. Hanson, his butler, gave us a nod as he
turned and left the foyer.

His foyer was nicer than
the rest of ours. His father had commissioned the chandelier to be
renaissance-styled with cream-colored marble and crystal sconces placed along
the walls of the circular entrance, making it all more opulent than the other
houses I’d seen. It was bright and grand. I always loved the staircase in the
back, through the marble archway. It was plantation perfection meets Mr. Darcy.

He led me to the
staircase, and up it, taking me to his bedroom. I didn't even think about the
fact I’d never been in a boy’s bedroom when he was there, only Ashton’s when we
were snooping.

He sat me on the bed and
knelt on the floor in front of me. “Tell me what happened.”

I sniffled and trembled
as I led him down the rabbit’s hole with me.

As I finish telling him
everything my father had told me, Jake sat back on his heels, taking a breath.
“Holy shit.”

I nodded. It was then I
realized where we were. My cheeks heated as I glanced back at the messy bed. I
needed to be off of his sheets. It was awkward and intense.

But he wasn't treating it
that way at all. He was gentlemanly. I was in love with Ashton and he with Sage
so it made sense that we weren’t awkward with each other.

“I don't even know what
to say. Rachel and Vincent were half brother and sister? No wonder her mother
forbade her to date him.”

I cocked an eyebrow,
tilting my head. “Forbade?”

“It means—”

“I know what it means.
I’m surprised you do.”

He didn’t take the joke
the way I intended it. He laughed, but it was bitter and—well—hurt.
“I’m not a caveman, Lainey.” He got up and walked to the window, looking out
and running his hands through his dark hair. “This is some heavy shit. I don't
like knowing this sort of thing. Vincent doesn’t know which means I shouldn't
know.”

“We assume he doesn't.
But he might. He never even got close to dating Rachel. That has to mean
something.”

“Maybe he knew, like
pheromones or some shit.”

“Stop cussing. It’s not
helping.”

He rolled his eyes and
lifted his hands, resting them on top of his head. He tapped his fingers on the
top of his head, pacing the huge room. My gaze caught the V-thingy as his shirt
lifted and again I was stuck in the tractor beam. There was something wonderful
about the way his pants hung just a touch low and his shirt lifted, revealing
the slip of skin at just the right spot.

“Lain!”

I lifted my eyes,
realizing he had been talking. “What?”

He cocked an eyebrow and
nodded. “Take the tensor bandage off and give it to me. We need to focus and
clearly my abs
are
distracting you. No one likes to be
ogled like a piece of meat.” He used my own lines on me as he lifted his shirt
and smirked, looking down like the old Calvin Klein ads with Mark Walberg.

Everything tightened, and
it became abundantly clear how awkward it was that I was in his room, alone and
he was flexing his stomach for me. I stood, turning for the door. “I should get
going. Thanks for listening.” As I grabbed the handle he rushed me, pushing the
door closed. The warmth of the front of him was pressed into the back of me and
his arms caged me in. And even though I was trapped and my hands trembled, I
didn't fear him. I feared me. I feared the floating feeling inside me. It
screamed of release and letting go of the control. I tempted myself with each
of his breaths that landed on my head.

I closed my eyes and
whispered, “I really should go.”

“Stay.” His words
breathed down on my ear and nape.

“No.” I shivered and
shook my head. “I can’t.”

“What are you so scared
of, Lainey? That you might have to admit to yourself that you like me? That all
those plans you made in your head were not actually what was really happening?”
He put his hand to my arm, spinning me. I backed up, hitting the door again. He
placed a soft grip on my chin, tilting my face way back to look up into his
wild stare. “What if I admit it first? What if I say I’ve liked you all my
life? I’ve always wanted it to be you.”

I scowled, ready to deny
it, but my brain processed quickly. I wanted to doubt him but the proof was in
my mind. His words matched the images flashing in my head. The bashful smile or
the longing in his eyes or the way he always knew things he shouldn’t. It was
all true
. He was paying attention and noticing me. The
burning look in his dark-blue gaze matched the look he always had when he
stared at me. It was just more intense now.

“I’ve wanted to do this
for longer than I think I can remember back.” He lowered his face, brushing his
lips against mine, and the strangest feeling swept over me.

It should have been
horror or stress rushing through me, but it wasn't. It was the peaceful calm of
something being completely, soulfully right. It was exactly the release of
control I had imagined.

It became almost a dance,
like we moved to a song.

My hands lifted, crawling
up his chest as his hands encircled me, cupping the back of my jeans and
lifting me into the kiss.

Something happened,
something intense, and I gave over to it. My legs wrapped around his waist as
my tongue welcomed his into my mouth.

A fury came over me. My
glasses slipped off my face as he walked across the room, climbing onto the bed
and laying me back on it.

Hands slid places they
hadn’t ever before,
mine and his
. My body arched and
moved in ways I didn't know it could.

I couldn't see everything
else in the room, but I saw him. I saw the way he looked at me.

The sounds that filled
the air matched the desperation in us both.

Maybe it was wrong to do
something so impulsive, but it felt right.
So very right.

Even when it was over,
and he was wrapped around me, it felt right—which made no sense.

I was in love with
Ashton.

Wasn't I?

But with my head on
Jake’s chest, I didn't know what I felt anymore.

For the first time in
weeks, I hadn’t thought at all. I had done. I had acted. I had succumbed to
something I never imagined I would.

“Are you okay?” he
finally spoke.

“Yeah.” I glanced up,
noting the look in his eyes. He regretted it. The look created a lump in my
throat. I pulled back, sliding his blankets over me and creating a separation
between us.

He bit his lip, like he
was fighting back his words. His eyes darted to the right, and I lost the look
that I had seen before.

“I-I sh-should g-go.”
With shaking hands I grabbed he blanket, wrapping it around myself and dragging
it from the bed.

“Lainey, wait.” He got
up, looking sick and sounding worse. “I’m sorry.”

Agony ripped through me
as I stepped back, staggering. “Don't be. I’m fine.” I turned and ran for his
bathroom, clinging to the blanket as tears threatened to blind me. Even with
the bathroom door closed and my heart breaking on the floor in front of me, I
couldn't regret what I had done. I didn’t regret it. The chaos and overwhelming
feelings were the greatest escape I had ever had.

It was the best mistake I
ever made.

The child in me wanted to
shout from my mother and father’s house, and not just that I was no longer a
virgin. I wanted to scream that I, the prissy and proper Lainey Allen, had lost
it recklessly to the slutty guy who I always thought was in love with my
friend. I wanted to tell Sage and watch her face fall. It was the worst series
of things I had ever thought.
Even worse than hating Rita for
liking Ashton.

I laughed through the
tears, realizing how ridiculous I was, hating on Rita for liking Ashton when I
had just lost my virginity to the guy Sage liked.

I officially was Sierra.

At least Sierra was able
to see more than four feet in front of her face.

Which in a moment like
this one I imagined would have been horrible. I was grateful I couldn't see my
own face in the giant mirror in front of me.

The tear-stained cheeks
and heartbroken expression might have hurt more than the terrible look in
Jake’s eyes.

But the haze in the
bathroom and my eyes matched the fuzz in my head. There had been clarity, but
it was squashed by the crushing blow of regret. Not mine of course. I didn't
even regret that I had bought Jake’s words hook, line, and sinker, destroyed by
my best asset—my photographic memory that still believed in him.

My heart was not so
easily persuaded, not from its current location on the floor.

But it didn't matter
because I knew he had conned me into bed, and I had fallen there easily. No
persuading needed. It was
me
wrestling my way out of
the sports bra, nearly dislocating my shoulders to get out of it.

I dropped the blanket to
the floor and walked to the fuzzy shower, opening the glass door and stepping
in. I turned on the water, turning it a little warmer than normal and pressed
my back against the cold slate wall. It was conflicting to be cold and hot, but
it matched how I felt.

A sound caused me to turn
my head, seeing a figure moving in the bathroom. My hands naturally lifted to
my breasts and groin, to cover what he had already clearly seen.

Jake opened the door,
bringing cold air with him as he stepped into the shower, no longer a fuzzy
shadow. His face was still devastated, but he lifted his hands and cupped my
cheeks, tilting my head back so he could press his less zealous mouth on mine.
It wasn't the kiss of a young love, filled with fervor and hormones. It was
something else. Something I didn't understand.

Not until he pulled back
and spoke softly, with the water pouring down on us, “I should have taken you
on a date, a real date. I should have bought you flowers and told you stupid
things you might not know about me. I should have thrown rocks at your window
to get one more kiss before we had to say goodnight. I should have watched
shows about the weird things you like, like cloud formations and intense
mysteries.”

I scowled. “What?”

“I should not have taken
that from you before I deserved it.”

Tears filled my eyes,
mixing with the shower. He didn't regret having sex with me. He regretted his
worthiness.

I lifted my hands, doing
the same with his face as he had done with mine. “Please don't say that.”

“But it was your first
time.” He swallowed hard, but I ignored it and leaned my head against his
chest, forcing him to hug me. “It should have been romantic or something more.”

“Jake, I know what I did.
I made the choice to do it. I don't regret a second.”

He held me and kissed the
top of my head.

“I just want to pretend a
little longer.” I sighed and closed my eyes.

“Pretend what?”

“That everything else in
our world is fine.”
Because in that shower I didn't even
notice the rest of the world.

Stage
four virgin clinger

My eyes wandered across
the desk to the floor. There was a pattern in the floor that I hadn’t noticed
before. A thousand thoughts danced in my head, each one pulled at my heart or
stomach in some way. I’d been on edge since Labor Day.

Physically, all I wanted
in the world was to feel Jake again.

Mentally, that had become
something of a bad idea.

Emotionally, I was in
ruin from avoiding him and hating myself for being weak.

“You now have
twenty-three minutes to complete this quiz,” Mr. Boswell reminded us.

I had completed mine a
few minutes in, just long enough to pen the answers.

His eyes narrowed when he
looked at me, always annoyed. School had been in for two weeks and his opinion
of me hadn’t changed. In fact, I was starting to think it had worsened.

The only change in our
world had been that I was no longer a virgin. That, and I
wasn't
sleeping, even worse than before. I couldn't sleep. Guilt ate at me. Worry
racked my brain. And it wasn't because someone was trying to ruin our lives.
Not at all.

After my mother’s care
package of terrible facts, the killer hadn’t contacted us again. At least now
the eerie silence was no longer met with the foolish notion this was over. It
was met with fear and expectation.

My friends were finally
acting the way they should, and I was the one who was worried about a boy.

My phone buzzed in my
pocket, likely another text from Jake. He had started acting weird from the
moment I’d left his house on Labor Day. Not that I blamed him. I was acting
weird too. I hadn’t spoken to him since it happened.

How could I?

Mr. Boswell strolled to
my desk, giving me a look. “Was that your phone?”

“It’s in my pocket.” I
nodded. “Can I hand my test in?” I lifted my paperwork.

“If you think you answered
everything sufficiently.” He took it, but as his eyes lowered to the paper in
his hands he tilted his head, confused. He reached down, near my leg and the
bottom of my desk, pulling out sticky notes stuck underneath—white
kissy-lip-shaped sticky notes. I’d seen them before.
In the
hidden closet at Rachel’s.

His eyes widened. “The
office, now, Ms. Allen.”

“What?” My jaw dropped.
“Those aren’t mine.” My stomach tightened.

He held them up to the
test, revealing my handwriting. “Really? Office, now!” His face was bright red
and he looked angry, but there was a malicious smirk on his lips. He believed
he had caught me cheating. I got up, bewildered and annoyed. If anyone in the
class didn't need to cheat it was
me
.

I stomped from the class,
storming to the office. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed my
dad.

“Lain?”

“Daddy, my teacher thinks
I’m cheating. Someone stuck sticky notes under my desk, and it’s a perfect
match for my writing. My teacher hates me, and he’s going to try to get me in trouble!”

“I’ll be there in five
minutes.” He hung up. He didn't need to question whether or not I’d cheated. He
knew the answer. He even knew who would do this to me.

When I got to the office,
the secretary smiled wide. “Lainey, how are you? Did your teacher send you to
fetch something?”

“I need to wait for my
dad.”

She nodded, not even
noting I was upset. She honestly didn't suspect a thing. Why would she? I was
the perfect student.

I slumped into a chair
and looked at my cell phone. Jake had sent a second text.

We need to talk.

His name made my heart
hurt.

I bit my lip and
contemplated those words. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to kiss and take his
shirt off and run my hands—
whew!
My face flushed, and it wasn't anger. He made me weak in the knees. But he was
already someone else’s crush. Possibly two someone else’s, and I
wasn’t
like Lindsey. I couldn't overlook that fact. They
were two of my best friends.

After it happened, I’d
gone from Jake’s house to mine, to watch the Labor Day fireworks with my sister
and mom. I’d sat there, eating my dinner and reliving each moment, each kiss or
caress. Everything about it made my stomach tighten and my heart beat faster,
but not because I was scared or uncomfortable. I still felt magical.

But after I’d gone to bed
that night, the magic had crept away. It was the opposite of all the
fairytales.

I woke the next day and I
was
me
again.

I was nervous about what
it meant for Jake and me.

I worried I was pregnant,
even if we’d used a condom.

I worried that everyone
saw what a slut I was.

I was stressed that I had
somehow left a mark on his sheets, and we hadn’t cleaned them. My cheeks still
blushed from that.

I was embarrassed that
Jake had seen my Spiderman underwear.

I couldn’t look Sage in
the eyes, and I found myself being more sympathetic to Rita and Sierra. They
were not my slutty sisterhood.

I kept the secret of what
had happened and avoided Jake.

If he was sitting at my
car after school, I called Dan, our driver, and got a ride. If he came to the
house I told the staff I wasn't home, eternally. If he called, I turned the
phone off.

Somehow, I had managed
ten days of not seeing him, except in class when he stared at me with a look
that broke every bit of will I had. Each time I had to run just as the bell was
ringing to dismiss us so he couldn’t talk to me. That was all it was going to
take, him talking to me and giving me that stare and smelling so good. I would
fall for it and Sage and Sierra would know instantly. And then Sage would
really lose it. Maybe she would start helping the killer because her friends
were betraying her at every turn. And then she would be evil, and it would be
my fault.

It was a lot to be
responsible for.

Mostly because I couldn’t
deny the way I felt about Jake. I even noticed I wasn't looking at Ashton the
same. We hung out and played games, and I never got back the awkward feelings
I’d had around him. He became a friend. I could talk in front of him. It was
Jake that made me stutter just from thinking about him.

Thankfully, I hadn’t had
to talk to him yet.

Most of my luck had come
from the fact Lindsey was too busy with Vincent, and they were in their own
little world, to notice the haunted look in Jake’s eyes or the guilty one in
mine. Sage had been taking care of homecoming with Rita. And Sierra had been
doing her vanishing act with that same senior.

But staring at the texts
Jake had sent, I felt terrible, even if no one knew—I did. I knew what
I’d done. He liked me and I wanted that to be the only truth I needed. But my
friends always came first.

I didn't regret what I
should’ve and that made the whole thing worse.

“Lainey.”

My dad’s voice lifted my
gaze. “Hey.”

He scowled. “Who is this
teacher?”

“Mr. Boswell. He’s new.”

Dad nodded and walked to
the principal’s office, no appointment or anything. He knocked and opened the
door, closing it behind him. The secretary gave me a different look then. She
was confused. I was too.

While I waited, I typed
several texts to Jake, deleting them all. I didn't know what to say. How did I
tell him that it was too much too soon, and I wasn't sure if at least one of my
friends had sort of called shotgun on him?

After a while, Dad came
out of the office, laughing and smiling. He waved and closed the door. When his
eyes met mine there was a sign of a win in them. “You go on home and come back
tomorrow. Mr. Boswell will be sorted out.”

“Okay.” I nodded and got
up.

He wrapped an arm around
my shoulders and kissed the side of my head. “You and Mazy still coming for
dinner tomorrow night?”

“Yeah.” I didn't want to,
but I knew he needed to see us as much as we needed to see him.

“Don't say yeah. You
haven’t told anyone what I told you, right?”

I shook my head. It was a
lie; I had told Jake but kept it from everyone else.

“Good girl. We don't need
poor Vincent finding out.” He kissed the top of my head and walked for the main
doors, releasing me and waving. “Be a good girl. See you tomorrow.” He left and
I turned to go to my car, jumping when I saw Jake standing in the hallway. Of
course, he looked upset. It broke my heart to see so I lowered my gaze like a
coward.

“Why are you avoiding me?
You have me acting like a girl.”

I lifted my eyes,
fighting a smile. “What?”

“You do. You have me
going crazy. I sleep outside your house, in my car, staring at your window.
That's not sane.” He gulped and pressed his lips together, taking a step toward
me. His dark-blue stare tormented me. The smell of him, a blend of deodorant
and cologne and whatever he contributed to the mix, wafted around me. “Just
tell me why you have me acting like I have a vagina?”

“Uhm, huh?” I was a bit
lost. What did vaginas have to do with anything?

“Why are you making me
crazy? Is it on purpose? Do you like toying with me?” He was getting angry. “I
didn’t think you’d ever do something so evil but here we are.”

Out of fear I blurted the
one thing I could think of, “Sage.”

He scowled. “What?” He
looked even angrier. “What did she do?” He growled the question.

“Nothing. It’s
just—you and Sage. You had a thing. I think she’s always sort of liked
you. She begged her parents to let her date you. And Sierra. You guys mess
around a lot. I can’t be that girl who goes after the guy her friends have
already—”

“I don't shit where I
eat, Lainey! I don't sleep with my friends. Sex isn’t exactly hard for me to find.
I’m a goddamned Van der Wall!”

I grimaced. “Gross.”

He chuckled. It was
bitter and harsh. “It’s the truth. There isn’t anything between me and Sage or
Sierra. And if I just wanted sex, I’d get it after the football game like
always. Or at any number of events my parents drag me to. Those girls are like
slutty fish in a barrel.”

“That's a lie. Not the
football or slutty fish, but the Sage thing is.”

“No, we’ve done the
drunken mess around, but we don't
hook up
hook up. We haven’t ever. I’m not Vincent. Contrary to what you think.” He
sighed. “And Sierra is into whomever she can get her grubby hands on. She
doesn't do commitment and all summer she’s been banging that Mark guy in my
homeroom. His mom’s a Getty for God’s sake. Sierra’s dad has probably arranged
the sexy playdates.”

“Her parents wouldn't do
that to her. Sierra doesn't care about that.”

“That doesn't change the
fact she’s been seeing him all summer on the sly.” His voice rose, “And Sage is
Sage. She doesn't know what she wants in life. She doesn't love anyone. She’s
on robot mode and does what her mom tells her to. She panics and grasps at
anyone who her mother will approve of. She needs to be accepted. It’s creepy.”
He took another step. “So you need to come up with a better excuse than that for
breaking my heart.” He stopped pausing or thinking and walked to me, pulling me
into his arms. His lips brushed against mine, the same way they had the first
time we kissed.

“I don't have one.” I
reached up, wrapping around him and letting go again, melting into him and
following his lead.

“Ahem.”

“Oh shit,” he whispered
against my mouth, breaking it off and blushing. “Mr. Allen, sorry. I didn’t see
you.”

My back stiffened as I
turned and winced. “Hey, Dad.”

“I forgot my keys in the
office.” He looked homicidally at Jake. I turned around completely and pressed
my back into Jake’s chest, protecting him from whatever my dad was thinking
about. It looked bad, whatever it was.

“Okay.” I didn't know
what to say. “See you tomorrow.” The nervous rambling started. “Can I bring
Jake to dinner?”

Dad looked like he was
either going to kill Jake or cry, but he forced a smile and nodded. “Of
course,” his voice broke, and he headed into the office. “See you kids
tomorrow.”

I spun and winced. “I’m
so sorry.”

“For what?”

“Inviting you to my
awkward dinner.”

He laughed and took my
hand in his. “It’s better than you avoiding me.” He pulled me up the ramp to
the student parking. “I need a nap, let’s go.”

“What?” I pulled back.

He grinned playfully. “Oh
you owe me a nap. I haven’t slept in weeks.”

“Just a nap. I don't want
to be on an episode of Teenaged Mom or whatever that stupid show’s called.”

He draped an arm over my
shoulders and led me to his car. “I don't have the strength or energy to do
anything but nap, Lain. I’m exhausted.”