Second Thoughts (17 page)

I liked the way the warmth of her breath felt on my ear when she would whisper, “What do you want me to do to you, daddy?”

That question always turned me on, cause that was what Jacoby used to call me, and even now, I could still hear his voice in the back of my head. I hated that the more I tried not to think about the men from my past, being with Devaan always brought back memories of them. Sometimes I hated myself for that.

“Call me as soon as you’re finished meeting with your client,” she said in a demanding tone. “We have to talk.”

I hated when people used those words in the same sentence. ‘We have to talk’ always sends an unfavorable chill down my spine. They were never usually followed by anything I wanted to hear. I thought about my conversation with Dexter, but decided I wasn’t going to say anything. Part of me was holding on to the hope that he had been mistaken.

“You’ve thought about my proposal?”  I asked with pretend excitement.

“Actually, Telly, I’ve given a lot of thought about your proposal.”

I’d been waiting over a year for her response to one simple question. The first woman I’ve ever asked that question, and she was making me sweat as if spending the rest of her life with me was a hard decision for her to make. I’d proposed to her on Valentine’s Day two years ago. I wasn’t in a rush to marry so hearing that she needed some time to think about a response didn’t do anything to my ego. I guess I just wanted to put a ring on her finger. Like I’d said before, Devaan was a good catch. I’d watched her smile widened as I kneeled in front of her and removed the ring from my jacket. I had contemplated proposing on her birthday, which would have been a month later, but I had no real reason to wait. Even without a definite yes, I insisted she wore the ring.

“Okay. Can’t it wait until I get to Connecticut?” I pleaded. “I want your answer in person.”

“Telly that’s not what I want to talk to you about,” she corrected. “Look, I’m not about to go around in circles about this. I want some answers.”

“To what?”

“Oh, so this is the game you’re going to play?”

She was surprisingly calm. If she knew what Dexter said she knew, she shouldn’t be under this much control.

“Why did you propose to me, Telly?”

“What kind of question is that, Devaan?”

“One I expect you to answer.”

“Okay. Why does anyone propose? Because I love you.”

She laughed. I didn’t think my response had any humor in it.

“Am I the only one you love?”

“You think there’s another woman?” I asked.

My heart was beating a mile a minute. I was trying to concentrate on the road before me, but that was becoming difficult.

“Not another woman.”

She paused, listening to the silence between us.

“I think there’s another man. Correction. I KNOW there have been other men. You know what I hate more than anything? I hate when people.” She stopped. “Not people, men. I hate when men try to pull the wool over my eyes.”

“No one’s pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes. I know I’m not.”

“No. Not anymore you aren’t. See, Telly. I know the men who have been in your life don’t have you on their list of favorite ex’s. Thanks to them, I know everything. So tell me, Telly. Do you still love Dexter? And what about Jacoby, do you still love him, too? You don’t think you should have told me about these men you shared your bed with before you came to me about marriage? Did you think I wasn’t going to find out? Am I supposed to think you won’t go running back to them when you needed to be reminded what it felt like to be on the other side because what I’m giving you isn’t enough?”

“What?”

She was a woman with many questions.

“Don’t,” she interrupted. “What I don’t want you to do is lie to me. The truth I could handle.”  

“You don’t trust me?”

She smirked.

“Trust you? No, Patrick. Isn’t that your name?  I can’t believe I was thinking about marrying a man whose first name I didn’t even know.  No, I don’t trust you. I don’t even know you. When were you going to tell me? Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, so I can tell my wife-to-be I used to fuck men. Does that sound about right? Has an ugly RING to it…no pun intended.”

“I was going to tell you.”

“When, Patrick? A minute ago you made it seem as if you had no idea what I could be talking about. So when exactly were you going to tell me? My question isn’t that hard.”

She sounded like if she were here, her hands would be wrapped around my neck. Had I committed the ultimate betrayal?

“Isn’t the truth that you were never going to tell me anything? You sent me on this wild-goose chase to keep your world that involved me and the one that once involved Dexter from colliding.” 

I didn’t think everything I did was everyone’s business. My past wasn’t Devaan’s business because I had no plans on it being a part of my future with her. This was already a small world, and it got even smaller when Jackson Bradley, Devaan’s brother, showed up at her parents’ house a few Thanksgivings ago with Trevor Harrison on his arms. I saw my worst fears staring me in my face. I knew it wouldn’t be long before Trevor would figure everything out. I was Patrick Telly McKay, the same man who had lied to Dexter and almost cost him and his nephew their lives. I knew how protective Devaan and Jackson were of each other, so I was sure as soon as Trevor pieced my puzzle together, he would tell Jackson, and my relationship with Devaan would be over. I couldn’t let that happen. So, I relied on that same protection and planted a strong seed of doubt in her mind.

I’d told her about the relationship Dexter and Trevor were having behind her brother’s back. I used the information Dexter told me about their encounters, fed them all to Devaan, knowing she would do whatever she could to keep her brother from getting hurt again.  I sat back and watched Devaan masquerade around as “Bran”, dealing out threating phone calls and ultimatums for Trevor to either leave her brother or stop his romps with Dexter. I went about my business with a sadistic grin on my face knowing either decision meant Devaan could never come close to knowing the past I was trying to leave behind, at least for a few years. Before Devaan, the only other female I’d ever loved was Taylor, my childhood best friend. But that didn’t count because our affair was a teenage love, and the sex we had was sympathy sex, more so her sympathy for me.

I was walking back into the lobby of the Marriott with Devaan still on the phone. I had forgotten about my supposed meeting with Keith Benson, but the pangs in my stomach were a reminder that I hadn’t eaten all day. I’d spent most of the morning before leaving to see Dr. Kendrick working my contacts to get a number to Dr. Vanessa Aldridge that DaMarcus needed. I wasn’t sure how long it would take, so I’d decided to make that the first thing I did when I woke.

“So you know who I’ve been involved with. Where does that leave us?”

I stood in the foyer in front of the elevators waiting on any one of them to arrive.

“It leaves us where I was before I met you; a life without you in it.  I guess I should thank you, though. A few years from now I won’t be sitting around with my face in my hand wondering how my husband could be gay because I hadn’t paid attention to the signs.”

I stood outside the elevator, leaning against the wall. I feared I would lose the signal once inside the elevator, though this conversation and my relationship with Devaan was coming to a sudden end.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“But you did mean to deceive me,” she shot back. “Just imagine if I had listened to that little voice in the back of my head that kept telling me to just tell Jackson and let him and Trevor decide on their own how they wanted to deal with Trevor’s unfaithfulness. I would have walked down the aisle knowing so little about you. You kept a very important part of your life from me, Patrick.  Could you even conceive the stabbing in my heart as I listened to Trevor tell me about the consequences Dexter and his nephew faced because you still wanted to prove his love for you. And meeting Travis Price, your agent-foe from De Nouveaux Visages Modeling Agency, revealed even more ugly truths about you. You are a dark stranger, Patrick. But thanks to you and your persistence, I know exactly who you are. Eventually, you’re going to want him back.”

“Who is ‘him’?” I finally interrupted.

“It doesn’t matter. Maybe Dexter, Travis, or even Jacoby. Or maybe the next man who catches your eye and decides I am no competition. And even though I would have been here first, even though I love you, that won’t be enough to keep you. So while it doesn’t hurt as much to do so, let me cut my losses now. If I wait until later, this won’t be as easy.”

I waited to hear her say goodbye, but that word never came. The call had ended. I stared at the phone screen until it went black. I placed my cell phone in my pocket, entered the elevator, and leaned against the rail in the back with my head and eyes towards the floor. I rode in silence to the ninth floor. Once in my room, I sat on the edge of the bed. The thought of crying over Devaan scared me. I needed to shake this feeling, and I knew exactly who to call to help me do just that. I removed my cell phone from my pocket and dialed his number.

“Hey Jacoby. You busy?” I asked as soon as I heard his voice.

“I’ll be free in about thirty minutes.”

I looked at my watch and then at the clock behind me on the nightstand.

“I’m staying at the Marriott in Buckhead. Why don’t you come join me for dinner?”

“I’ll have to stop at the house first.”

“That’s cool. I’ll see you when you get here.”

I hung up the phone and walked to the desk a few steps from the bed. I sat in the chair and browsed the menu to Shula’s 347 Grill and Lounge. I needed something to tide me over until Jacoby arrived.

Chapter
19

DaMarcus…

When You Know

It was late Wednesday night when my phone rang.
I quickly sprang to my feet since Patrick had promised to get the number to me today. I hate to admit I had sat around waiting for his call, but since I didn’t want to seem hasty, I waited in agonizing patience. I don’t know where Patrick gets his resources, and I didn’t bother to ask. I was just glad he came through for me. I couldn’t wait to make contact with Dr. Aldridge, but I ignored my eagerness and waited until Friday to contact her.

I was starting to get used to living alone and I hated every minute of it. Sometimes I woke expecting to see Belinda sleeping next to me, only to realize I had awaken the same
way I went to sleep─alone. It’s said you never miss a good thing till it’s gone, and now my good thing was with Shedrick Wise.

As always, whenever I go to bed with something on my mind, it was exactly what I dream about. In my dream our encounter didn’t go as I planned, and I hope that dream wasn’t a sign of things to come─foreshadowing at its worse.

I woke earlier than usual when Friday came. I sat reclined on the couch staring at the telephone number to Dr. Vanessa DeAnn Aldridge, waiting for the clock
to tick towards a decent hour to contact her. In a few weeks I would be heading back to training camp. I wanted to get this thing with Vanessa, Dillon, and Taylor over with so I could focus on training and the upcoming season. I already had losing Belinda and her pending nuptials to Shedrick occupying every space in my mind.

I had a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I usually got when I was sure things weren’t going to go as planned─not that I had this all planned out. At exactly 9 a.m., I picked up my cell phone and carefully dialed. Each ring seemed to g
et louder than the one before.

“Vanessa speaking,” she answered, sounding as if she were in a rush.

I sat up quickly at the sound of her sweet, almost innocent sounding voice.

“Dr. Vanessa DeAnn Aldridge?” I quizzed.

“Who’s this?” 

“Look, I’m just gonna cut to the chase,” I said, ignoring her inquest. “I need to tell you about your husband.”

“Unless you’re going to tell me you’re sleeping with him, there’s nothing you can tell me about my husband I don’t already know.” 

I laughed at her implication. Maybe if I were the one sleeping with Dillon it wouldn’t sting as much. I’m an open-minded person, but sharing my bed with another man wasn’t my idea of a good time in bed.
There’s nothing you can tell me about my husband I don’t already know,
I repeated in my head. I hated to think soon Vanessa would be eating those same words. For a brief moment, it bothered me that she would be a casualty of this war between Taylor and me. I thought of Taylor’s demise and agreed this was one admission that wasn’t going to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

“I see. So you’re one of those women who thinks their husband tells them everything. Like those women, you’re also wrong. Trust me. There are some things he’s leaving out during your pillow talk.” 

Sometimes it’s the secrets us men keep that make our minds dirty. I should know. I did the same thing to Belinda. Belinda was right when she said I was just like her ex Terrence.  My infidelities may have stopped with Taylor, but it definitely started long before her. Now I’ve found myself on the other side of loving Belinda, and that is feeling lonely as hell without her.  Now the only thing that would make me feel better is giving Taylor just what she deserves, and watching her lose just like I lost.