Secondhand Heart (9 page)

His hands were now on my bare breasts, hot against my skin. “How are we going to do this?” he whispered against my cheek. “I can’t even let go of you long enough to get you to the bed.”

I answered him by dropping to my knees, and unzipping his fly. I’d already familiarized myself with the lay of the land, and his willing cock sprung out, happy to see me come back for more. Cam groaned when I took him in my mouth, his hands knotting themselves in fistfuls of my hair.

“Jesus,” I almost didn’t hear him. “You have to stop.”

“Why?” I cupped his balls in my hand while I looked up at him, moving my thumb back and forth slowly.

“Because I’m close, and it’s been a while.” His words came between pants, then he sunk to his knees. He pressed his damp forehead against mine, kissing me a thousand times as his shaking hands fumbled to free me of my shorts. I was in such shock that I could have this effect on a man, after being so out of touch with my own needs, physical, emotional, all of them, that I couldn’t help him. His face was half shrouded in shadow, but a sliver of light fell on just the right part of his face that his crooked smile set my heart and everything else ablaze.

His thumbs hooked my shorts and my panties down over my hips and I sunk down so he could pull them away from me. I watched his eyes run the length of my body. At first I fought the urge to cover myself up, until I saw the expression on his face. I couldn’t breathe. He wrestled free of his own clothes, and fuck, he was just as spectacular as I thought he would be naked. Sun kissed and chiseled just enough that I could see the outlines of his muscles rippling down to the line of hair that ran down from his bellybutton to his groin. My eyes settled there a little too long, and I almost went back to what I was doing before I remembered he asked me to stop. I looked back up at him, feeling a little shy. He placed one arm on either side of me, answering any doubts I might have had about if he’d still want me after seeing me naked and obviously not being on the same planet as he was by kissing me. Then one of his hands rested softly on my back, guiding me down on the carpet.

He crawled over me, one knee separating my thighs. The cool air hit in between my legs, hot and soaking already, and I moaned against his mouth. His lips left mine, lazily making their way down my throat and down to the hollow between my breasts. He picked his head up, giving me a wicked teasing look, before he chose a nipple to take in his mouth, scraping his teeth against my swollen skin and making me push his head against me, never wanting to let him go. One of his hands teased my sex, then two fingers plunged inside me. My fingers curled into the flesh of his shoulders, and I was afraid I’d draw blood. Both of us cried out at the same time.

He pulled away from me, and I was worried he’d changed his mind when he fumbled for his jeans. He took his wallet from his back pocket, and I wasn’t sure what he was doing until he took a condom out. Part of me was relieved, part of me wondered if he’d planned for our night to end this way all along, and part of me was terrified that this was real.

His lips came back up to mine, swallowing my cry as he entered me. I titled my hips up to meet him, wrapping my legs around his waist to make sure I experienced all of him. Cam steadied himself, whispering my name, then fell we fell into rhythm with each other, answering the questions we hadn’t even known how to ask each other. I felt myself come to the top of the ride, explosions going off everywhere in my body, my stomach leaping into my throat. I had no idea how high Cam had gotten me until it was time to crash back down to reality.

Cam didn’t have much more in him, either. He swelled inside of me, his body spasmed and he collapsed beside me. We lay there, catching our breath, our hands reaching out for one another just to make sure we were still real, not saying anything for the longest time. Every so often, I’d have a thought that I couldn’t find the words for, so I’d just kiss him instead to get the answer.

We never moved off the landing, I rested my head on his shoulder and dozed off, feeling safe for the first time in a long time with his strong arms wrapped around me, our legs tangled in an impossible knot.

My eyes opened just enough to be startled by the brightening gray sky announcing morning through the skylight. Fuck, it was tomorrow already.

“Cam,” I whispered. He had to let me go. “I’ve got to go home.”

“No, you don’t.” His eyes didn’t even open. “Stay with me.”

His words made me want to put my head back down and lay with him, naked at the top of that staircase, forever. “I have a stupid math test this morning.” Way to ruin a good thing, community college.

“That sucks.” He opened his eyes and rolled over on to his side. I rolled back on to my knees, collecting the trail of my clothes we’d discarded just hours before. Putting your clothes back on with an audience was nowhere near as sexy as taking them off. I almost wanted to shy away from him, but Cam didn’t think my show was as much as a lost cause as I did. He watched my every move. “You can’t stay just a little bit longer?”

“If my ass isn’t in that seat at eight, I can’t take the test. If I can’t take that test, I wasted my entire summer for nothing.” I leaned back over in kiss him, just in my bra because my shirt was still downstairs. Cam pulled me back down, his fingers lingering too long against my bra hook. If he undid it, I could kiss this class goodbye.

And at that moment, I wasn’t even sure how much I cared.

Suddenly, he slapped my ass, and we both cracked up laughing. “Go take your test. We’ll celebrate tonight. At the bar. I have an open mic night and I would love some company.”

I forced myself back upright. “Celebrate what?”

“Your math genius.” He shook his head like it was obvious. “Go, before I change my mind and never let you leave.”

S
o many times I’d snuck in the house in the early morning hours, after meeting up with Jordan, and doing things that would have gotten us locked in our respective rooms for the rest of our lives. Our parents had been kind of naive, in our defense. They let us have sleepovers, like in the same room, until we were thirteen. If you’re a parent reading this, here’s a newsflash for you: thirteen is way too old for innocent coed sleepovers. It took ours that long to catch on. At least Jordan did eventually make an honest woman out of me.

But never once sneaking back in from Jordan’s house did I ever run face to face with my dad in the kitchen.

Fuck.

His mouth dropped when I came in, and his free hand steadied his coffee cup. I might as well have hung a “freshly fucked” sign around my neck. It was just obvious. I wanted to die.

“You were out late.” He probably didn’t mean to frown, but he did.

“Yeah, I fell asleep watching the movie.” He was never going to buy that.

He grunted against the cup, and didn’t make eye contact with me. I took the stairs two at a time to get away from him. I ducked into my room, grabbed my pjs, and headed straight into the shower before my mother woke up. I pulled my shirt up over my head, the scent of Cam’s arousal clung to me.

I left my house as soon as I got dressed, opting to get my coffee and breakfast out than face anyone else I lived with. I texted Bree, those kids woke her up at the crack of dawn every day, to tell her about my night.

You need to get a babysitter. Cam’s hosting an open mic night tonight, and I don’t want to sit there by myself while he’s on stage.
I pleaded with her.

Are you sure? It’s not like a date date? I’ll do my best. No one ever wants to watch these kids. I can’t really blame them.

I don’t know what it is. My presence was demanded. Like I’m demanding yours.

How did your night go?

It just ended.

My phone rang. “Tell me everything.”

“I’m so stupid.” My sleep deprived brain had no filter, but I was going to tell her everything anyway. No need to hide anything from Bree. “He’s still married.”

“What?” She shrieked so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear. “But all the things I’ve read say his marriage is dead in the water.”

“That might be true, but they haven’t signed the paperwork.” I wanted to cry. I’d practically locked myself in a cage since Jordan died, and then I went and did this. I might as well lay down in the middle of the street and let Cam run me over. It would get us to the same point faster. “And he didn’t sound like he was totally over her.”

“You’re not over Jordan yet, either,” Bree said quietly.

“I know.” I took a deep breath. “But he can’t come back.”

“Did you guys sleep together?” She asked in that tone she used when she was trying to fix my life. Everyone else had given up by now, but Bree, the trooper, still believed in happily ever after.

“We didn’t even make it to bed.” My heart pounded, admitting my sins out loud, surrounded by Dunkin’ Donuts wrappers. I wallowed in gross this morning.

“Well, that’s good.” Bree totally missed my point. “You’re probably best to keep it platonic. Maybe you shouldn’t even go tonight. Make him work for it.”

“No. We didn’t make it to the bed. We fucked each other’s brains out in the upstairs hallway like my mother never taught me any manners.”

Bree gasped. “Oh. Hey, it’s early and I’ve only had one cup of coffee. And for the record, your mother didn’t teach you any manners. You were the first girl to do it in our class.”

“But I married Jordan!” Now I was crying. “This guy is married to someone who isn’t me. And I fucking gave it to him like I was some sort of…sex vending machine.”

“Daisy. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. Some of them you can’t take back, like when they knock you up and then skip out on child support.” She paused and gave me a chance to smile at her expense. “I think you’re beating yourself up over a technicality. He’ll be divorced soon enough, and then everything will be cool.”

Would it be cool, though? As long as Cam was married, I had an excuse to walk away from him. To crawl back into my hidey hole, and continue the delusion that I didn’t have to move on with my life. That Jordan was still coming home. If Cam was totally available and into me, then I had to do something about it. Actually move forward.

People gave me all sorts of options for what I should do next. I just wasn’t ready to make any choices right now. I’d already made my choice, and I had been happy. I wanted that back. So they could dangle all the Cam Hunters they wanted in front of my face. All the jobs, all the places to live, anything really. It didn’t matter how good it sounded. I wasn’t ready for another failure.

All or nothing. I couldn’t make myself see the middle ground that everyone insisted existed. The one where I did little things to move on.

And Cam was really a perfect example. Ev and Bree were convinced he was into me. And after last night, I’d have to agree with the girls. I
think
anyway, because he was still married. He was only the second person I’d ever been more than a friend with. But no matter how my emotions arm wrestled with each other in my brain, I couldn’t wait to see Cam again tonight.

B
ree couldn’t get a babysitter. Obviously, I was spoken for, my mother was still shell shocked from watching the boys the night of my birthday, and Bree’s mom was not even an option. You’ve seen those hoarder people on TV? Bree’s mom could totally be on one of those shows. She let too much stuff ruin her life. The boys couldn’t even go to her house because it wasn’t safe for them to be there. And it made her so fucking miserable, she didn’t even want to leave the house. It was heartbreaking and frightening. Bree freaked out over any little bit of clutter, I think she worried that hoarding was a recessed gene.

I blamed home shopping channels for her mom’s demise. The house was never that bad when we were kids.

So I sat at a table by myself at The Lonely Heart Saloon, watching Cam set up the stage for his Open Mic Night and sound check the equipment. Every once in a while, he’d squeeze my shoulder or wink at me. I wasn’t the only one in the room staring at him, as he shook hands with the performers, or took care of problems behind the bar. An overflowing table of middle-aged women stared at me, making my table feel huge and empty and me feel like a creature from outer space.