Secret Brother (18 page)

“That's what I do at home, and my parents have never noticed,” he said.

“If my father does, I'm grounded for the rest of the year,” Audrey replied.

She was the shortest girl in our class, doll-like, with diminutive facial features and crystal-blue eyes. She had been going with Ted Davis for months. He was a junior, nearly six feet two, and a star on our basketball team, and the sight of them together always brought smiles. Audrey said her father called them Mutt and Jeff, after some old cartoon.

There were twenty of us at the party, and when Aaron and I appeared, it was like the parting of the Red Sea. My girlfriends, led by Lila, immediately surrounded me to find out where I had bought my skirt and blouse and boots. I could feel how some of them were actually happy to see me so upbeat since Willie's tragic death. They all ranted about how horrible our strict school dress code was. Everyone but me vowed to have her parents go to the next PTA meeting to protest for us. I couldn't even begin to imagine my grandfather doing such a thing.

As it turned out, Audrey didn't have to sneak any of her father's liquor. Tommy Koch had brought two flasks of vodka. He explained that vodka didn't smell as much on your breath as the other liquors. Everyone
was anxious to try it, but some couldn't hide their nervousness, especially Audrey.

“Nobody had better throw up in my house,” she warned.

Of course, the boys assured her that wouldn't happen. While Ted was dancing with Audrey and the lights were low, Tommy and two other boys snuck some of her father's vodka, replacing it with water, and the drinking continued.

I felt a little dizzy and even a little nauseated after eating some pizza and anchovies. By now, Aaron and I were dancing very close. I was practically sleeping on him. I could feel his lips on my cheeks and my neck, and at one point, disregarding anyone else in the basement, we kissed like they kiss in the movies.

Audrey stepped up beside us. “If you don't make a mess,” she said, “you can use my bedroom.”

The suggestion excited and frightened me simultaneously. I had never ever been in a bedroom alone with a boy, not even my own. In fact, I had never had a boy visit me at my grandfather's house. Aaron's excitement took over his face completely. His eyes lit up as the possibilities seized him. I could easily imagine that he was already getting a boy's eagerness, the famous “erection fantasies” we girls teased one another about when we could talk in secret. Everyone always tried to outdo everyone else with some sort of experience, the most common being “It happened to him while we were dancing.” Most claimed they pretended not to notice—“I was too embarrassed”—while others bragged about how they had pressed themselves closer
and tighter, enjoying how uncomfortable it made the boy. It was happening in public, after all.

“What do you say?” Aaron whispered in my ear now.

I had deliberately sought out clothes that would make me sexy. I had put on makeup and been snippy with my grandfather and Mrs. Camden, even Myra. I had been thinking I might even violate the curfew Grandpa had imposed. Why not do this? “Okay,” I whispered back.

I could feel his quickened breath. It excited my own. We turned gracefully and, without looking at anyone, started for the stairway out of the basement.

“Where are you going?” Lila asked before we got to the first step.

I looked at her. “I'll let you know after I get there,” I said.

Her mouth locked open. Aaron laughed.

I had been in Audrey's house enough times to know where her bedroom was. We were there in seconds. Aaron closed the door behind us. There was enough moonlight streaming through the opened curtains to outline her bed clearly. We didn't turn on any lights. Aaron turned me toward him, and we kissed again.

“I have what we need,” he said.

No girls in my class or in the class ahead of mine were ashamed that they were still virgins. Some were more suspected than others of having lost their virginity. Whether it was true or not, they seemed to have a more sophisticated air about them, especially less patience for “childish flirtations.” We had our girls'
health classes and were taught enough to know what to expect and how dangerous it could be to have unprotected sex. I had read as much as I could find about it on my own. Without a mother, an older sister, or even a grandmother, I was really on my own as I matured. I was on my own tonight. How far would the rage against my grandfather and my unhappiness at home take me tonight?

We kissed again. Aaron guided me to Audrey's bed and gently lifted me onto it. He got beside me, and we kissed, his hands moving to unzip my blouse. There was resistance in me, but I covered it the way you covered a pot of boiling milk and let him undo my bra and bring his lips to my nipples. How many times had I fantasized about this and wondered what it would feel like? Now it was happening. A rush of warmth curled around the insides of my thighs. His fingers were struggling with the zipper on my skirt. I put my hand over his hand.

“This is Audrey's bed,” I whispered, as if everyone was listening at the door.

“So? She invited us to use it.”

“I'm a virgin, Aaron.”

Did he understand? How sophisticated, really, was he? Boys were more apt to fabricate their sexual experiences. They were always proving themselves to one another, strutting like peacocks when they were convincing. “So? Let's put an end to that disadvantage,” he joked.

“I could stain her bed,” I said, and he stopped trying to undo my zipper.

“You could stain mine anytime,” he said, and kissed me again, but I heard the disappointment in his voice and felt it in his kiss.

I sat up, pulled my blouse over my head, and dropped it and my bra beside me. He took off his shirt quickly. Then I slipped out of my skirt, and he took off his pants. How far could I go without going too far? I wondered. I was exploring myself as much as we were exploring each other. We were lost in the wonder of our passion. I was already past boundaries I had set for myself with every boy I had ever been with at a party.

We were simply holding on to each other now. He paused to take another deep breath, and then he brought his lips down between my breasts, to my stomach, to inside my thighs. I could hear myself moaning as if I was listening to someone else. I heard him unwrapping his protection. I tightened, but he said, “It's all right. I'll wait for the next opportunity, but a guy needs relief.”

We moved against each other. I was building toward that climax I had brought on myself in my most secret moments. We both reached it together, and then we held on to each other like two people afraid they would sink or fly off if they didn't. After a few more moments, he turned onto his back, and I turned onto mine, but he continued to hold my hand.

“You're not just using me, are you?” he asked.

“What?”

He leaned up on his right elbow and looked down at me. “I've been with girls who wanted to get even with someone or something.”

“I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't want to be here with you, Aaron. Sound familiar?”

He laughed. “So you'll respect me in the morning?”

“You're such an idiot,” I said. But I was really whirling with how close he had come to my deepest emotions.

“Sure you don't want to reconsider home base?” he asked.

“Home base?”

“We've been all the way to third. You know what's going to happen now, don't you?”

“Enlighten me, my know-it-all.”

“Audrey's going to inspect her bed and then tell everyone you weren't a virgin.”

“I'll take my chances,” I said.

He laughed and lay back again, this time putting his arm around my shoulders. I turned and rested my head against his chest. “I've decided to do whatever I can to help you,” he said.

“With what?”

“Your situation at home. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it.”

“There's nothing to do. Except wait.”

“For what?”

“For him to remember who he is and where he came from.”

“And if he doesn't?”

“Then there will be something to do.”

“What?”

“Help him remember,” I said.

12

Aaron brought me home well before midnight. We were among the first to leave Audrey's party. As we started out, I saw Steve Marks poke Aaron playfully in the ribs and overheard him say, “Leaving early? I guess you got what you wanted tonight.”

“Worry about yourself,” Aaron told him.

It was actually Aaron more than I who was concerned with the time.

“I'm not risking your getting grounded,” he told me, half joking. “I'd end up moaning like a dog in heat under your bedroom window.”

I was glad Aaron had drunk very little vodka. I'd had more but stopped before I would get sick. Lila didn't look too well when I saw her after Aaron and I had come out of Audrey's bedroom. She was holding her stomach and lying in a corner with her eyes closed. That was all I'd need to do, and I wouldn't just be grounded, I'd be incarcerated. I wasn't exactly winning sympathy at home these days.

“You'd better make sure no one goes home plastered,” Aaron told Tommy Koch. “They'll trace it to you, and Audrey will get into big trouble, too.”

Tommy laughed but looked a little worried.

“What are your plans for tomorrow?” Aaron asked when we drove away from Audrey's house.

I told him I was riding my bike to the cemetery in the morning, and he offered to take me. “Thanks, Aaron, but it's my private time with Willie,” I said.

“No problem. I'll wait for you in the car,” he said. “What's the difference how you get there as long as you get there?”

“Okay. I'd like to go about nine.”

“I'll be here.” He leaned over to kiss me good-night. “I had a great time,” he said. “I've got the hottest girl in the school
.
And besides, you're now the big topic of conversation for sure
.
”

“In my house, too, I bet,” I said.

He got out and came around to open the car door for me. I wondered if he had treated every girl he dated the way he was treating me. He reached for my hand to help me get out. “Your grandfather isn't watching us from some window, is he?” he asked, his back to the house.

“No,” I said, smiling. “He's hiding in the bushes.”

“What?” He laughed. “Okay. See you in the morning.”

I started toward the front entrance. I could feel him still standing there watching me walk away. Did all girls wonder what the boys who stared at them or watched them walking in the hallways were thinking?
Was it always some sexual fantasy? Aaron was my first real boyfriend. I almost felt like I was learning a new language. I turned at the door. He waved, his signature wave that began as a salute and then careened above his head. He got back into his car. I waited until he had driven slowly down the driveway and out, and then I entered the house, eager to go to bed and relive every moment in Audrey's bedroom.

All the lights in the house were dim. I had seen the house this way late at night, but it looked different tonight.
My home really has changed for me
, I thought. I didn't feel it was my home as much as I had. Shadows seemed deeper. The rooms were vacant, despite the elaborate furniture. Was I being overly dramatic in thinking that love had left this house? The silence seemed to say yes. I expected it would follow me to bed. However, as soon as I closed the door behind me, I heard my grandfather call my name from the living room.

He was sitting in his favorite big, cushioned easy chair. I could tell he had dozed off and just woken. He wore his light blue robe over his pajamas and slippers, all Christmas presents from Grandma Arnold, from the last Christmas before she died. We had all gotten up at the crack of dawn to gather around the tree. Willie still believed in Santa Claus.

I glanced around. There was no one else in the room. I was expecting to see Mrs. Camden, maybe even Myra. Normally, she would be up waiting for me, but she was still recuperating from her broken arm and bruises.

“So how was your party?” he asked.

“It was all right,” I said.

“All right? Funny way to put it. When I was your age and I went to a party, it was either great fun or boring.”

“It was great fun,” I said. I knew I said it like he was pulling it from me.

“Good. I want you to be as happy as you can be, Clara Sue. I know you're not happy with how things are at the moment, but I'm hoping you'll settle down.”

“Settle down? I've lost everyone in my family, Grandpa.”

“You haven't lost me.”

Oh, how I wanted to answer that, but I didn't. I looked down instead and pressed my lips together so hard that it hurt.

“Now, I was hoping your uncle Bobby would be here for Thanksgiving, but apparently, that's a very busy time for his show, so he can't come.”

I looked up sharply. “We're having Thanksgiving?”

“We've always had Thanksgiving, Clara Sue. There were many years when your parents came here for it and, although you were too young to remember, when your grandmother and I went to your home.”

“How could we have Thanksgiving? What are we thankful for?” I asked him. It was on the tip of my tongue to add,
the poisoned boy?

“Do you think your grandmother or your mother and father would want us to ignore it? You and I are still alive and healthy. We have much more than most
people in America. Should we just pretend that isn't true?”

“Who would be at our dinner?” I asked.

“Well, My Faith will make quite a dinner for us, I'm sure. I'll ask Myra to sit at the table, and Mrs. Camden will be here, and maybe . . .”

“That boy? He'll sit at our table?”

“If he's able to. It can't hurt him. Dr. Patrick thinks it might stimulate more healing.”

“So you think a turkey might help him remember who he is?” I asked.

He just stared at me for a moment. I could see the conflict going on in his mind. He wanted to shout and send me to my room, but he didn't want to create any more tension and anger in this house, either. “Thanksgiving is more than a turkey, Clara Sue,” he said softly.

“Right. I'm tired, Grandpa.”

“Okay.”

I started to turn but stopped. “Aaron is coming for me at nine tomorrow.”

“You going on some picnic?”

“No, Grandpa. I'm going to Willie's grave. I'm going to go there every weekend I can,” I said. I waited for him to reply. He didn't, so I turned and walked away, the silence fleeing at the sound of my footsteps as I pounded my way up the stairs. I had no intention of pausing at Willie's room, but Mrs. Camden, in her nightgown, stepped out and closed the door partway behind her.

“Oh,” she said, because I surprised her. “How was your party?”

“Fine and dandy.”

“He had a troubling nightmare,” she said, nodding toward Willie's room.

“What was it about?”

“I don't know, exactly. More or less a typical nightmare a young child might have. You know, some monster hovering over him.”

“So he didn't say anything important?”

She hesitated.

“He did, didn't he? What did he say?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Nothing that makes any sense, at least to us. I'll share it with Dr. Patrick.”

“You should share it with the police,” I said, and walked on to my room, thinking,
Why should I trust her?
She would keep everything a secret as long as she could so she could stay on this job . . . and maybe be with my grandfather.
One way or another
, I thought,
I'll let her know I'm on to her
.

I was more wound up than I had expected to be before I went to sleep. I wanted to think only about Aaron and me.
That poisoned boy ruins everything for me
, I thought,
even my dreams
.

I made sure to rise early enough in the morning to be ready for Aaron at nine. Grandpa Arnold was at breakfast, but we didn't say much to each other. While reading the newspaper, he was mumbling about some congressman pushing to have tighter restrictions on the trucking industry, especially regulations about drivers and how long they could go without time off. He left before Aaron arrived, and there was
no mention of where I was going. When Aaron pulled up and got out, I thought he still looked half-asleep. He wore his school baseball cap, a school sweatshirt, and jeans.

“Do you sleep-drive the way some people sleepwalk?” I asked him when he opened the car door for me.

“I'm awake. I dreamed about you so much last night that it carried into the morning. My mother said I ate breakfast in slow motion and ruined her appetite. My parents make a big deal of weekend breakfasts. Sometimes they go out to brunch.” He looked back at the house and then leaned in to kiss me, pausing to look closer. “You look wide awake.”

“I'm probably just running on rage,” I said.

“Oh? Now what?”

I waited until he got in and we started down the drive. “We're having Thanksgiving.”

“So?”

“I think my grandfather wants it mainly for the boy. They think it might help him recuperate faster.”

“Ah,” Aaron said. He thought a moment. “Who else will be there?”

“His private-duty nurse and Myra. My uncle can't come. He's in a successful show.” I looked at him. “Why? Do you want me to have you invited to my house?”

“I'd love it, but I don't think I can get out of ours. My sister will be home, and my parents invite friends. It's a big deal.”

“It always was for me, too, but unlike my grandfather, I'm not very thankful this year.”

He nodded. “Maybe you should think of it like this. If it does help the boy, he'll be out of your life that much faster.”

I grunted.

“You don't think so?”

“No. I think my grandfather sees him as never leaving, no matter what he says to anyone else.”

“The boy might not feel that way after a while. His life before can't have been so bad that he doesn't want anything to do with anyone in his family. Hell, he probably misses his mother or father, don't you think?”

“I don't know what to think,” I said. “And if I voice an opinion, everyone practically jumps down my throat. I'm trying to ignore his existence, but it's not easy with stair lifts and wheelchairs and therapy equipment, not to mention a nurse parading about as if she is already part of the family.”

We grew quiet as we approached the famous Prescott cemetery. He drove in slowly. I told him where to turn, and then I told him to stop. He turned off the engine and sat back. I got out of the car and walked the path to Willie's grave. There was just a marker on it now. The monument was being prepared. It was going to be very special.

I couldn't even conceive of Willie being down there. He hated being contained, especially kept in his room when he was sick. He even disliked being in a car too long. I recalled how he would charge out of the house as soon as he could and race around the front, holding a toy sword or a cap gun, pretending to chase some villains. Every part of his body needed to move, to be
exercised, to grow. He despised clothes that were too tight, and when Grandma Arnold used to put him to sleep and tuck him in, folding his top sheet under the mattress as if she thought he might fall out during the night, he would complain. I always went into his room after she had left and loosened it up for him.

I couldn't loosen anything for him now. I went to my knees and lowered my head.

“See,” I said. “I promised you I would be here, and I am. I know I treated you like a pain sometimes, and I was probably cruel, but I miss you very much. I miss you more than anyone, Willie. Believe me, more than anyone.”

I paused and looked around. It was a partly cloudy day. The breeze was stronger, and I could feel the underlying winter air invading. It wouldn't be long before we had our first snow, something Willie always looked forward to. It was as if the flakes had bells and played a wonderful tune as they fell, inviting him to go out and roll about in them. It was never cold to him. Would it be now?

I glanced back at Aaron. He was deliberately not looking my way. Were his eyes tearful? Was he afraid of how I would be when I returned?
He must really like me to want to do this
, I thought. I couldn't imagine any other boy from school doing this. I couldn't blame them. Who would want to be with a girl who was still mourning heavily and was so angry, much less go with her to a cemetery? This was very nice of him.
Maybe he just has a bad reputation developed by the girls he's dropped
, I thought. Sour grapes make for a bitter drink.

“I have a boyfriend now, Willie. I think he'll be my boyfriend for a while, maybe even the whole school year. You didn't really know him, but you would have liked him, I'm sure.

“We're going to have Thanksgiving this year, Willie. I will hate it because you're not there. I'll write my letter to you afterward, and then, when I can, I'll return to tell you more.