Secretly

Secretly

By

Susan Cantor

Copyright 2013 © Susan Cantor.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

I've been sitting here for the past hour wondering what I was doing with this kind of man. The food is getting cold, and the candlelight is burning out as we speak. Nothing about him was ever easy, and Michael has not been the easiest person to stay with. He was very candid with me when we first got together, telling me that he was a CIA agent, and that he would be going off to various missions without warning.

I thought for sure that I could live with that kind of loneliness, but over time I have begun to realize that being married to a spy isn't all that glamorous. He's rarely home, and any time that he makes plans, something always comes up that requires his undivided attention. This was one of those times, and he had given me his word that he would be home for our anniversary dinner, and this time he didn't even bother to call with an explanation.

When I was younger, I dreamed of marrying the handsome dark-haired stranger, and now that I was in that position, I didn't know if I wanted to stay there for very much longer. I was only 25 years old, and he was 15 years my senior, which gave me the possibility of capturing my youth once again. Could I really start over with somebody new, even when there was a small part of me that was willing to work things out with my husband?

As the clock ticked, it sounded so deafening that it was echoing in my ears, mocking me with each minute that passed by. This had to end, and one way or the other I was going to confront him about his behavior, and ask if he thought we could really repair what has been damaged in this so-called relationship. My mother warned me on her deathbed that I was making a grave error, and that I was blind to the truth of where his loyalties lie. She died thinking that I was stupid, and I suppose I was just being stubborn.

Not knowing how long I sat there in the dark waiting, I finally heard the engine of his black SUV pulling up into the driveway. It was followed by the slamming of a door, and the quick footsteps as he made his way up to the front door. I didn't even bother to get up, still sitting there in the dark of the dining room, waiting for the inevitable excuses to fall from his lips.

Out of breath, and holding what looked like convenience store flowers, he stood in the doorway with his frame blocking out the rest of the light. “I’m sorry, it was a last minute thing and I promise to make it up to you. You don't know how much you mean to me, and I hate that I have to always disappoint you.” He was saying everything that he had said before, and the words lost all meaning, and felt so old that it was beginning to sound funny. “Please, I know that I have said all of this before, but this time it will be different.” He said that before too, and this time I just couldn't take it anymore.

With a flourish of anger that overcame me in that moment, my hands gripped the tablecloth and pulled it off, sending the food and all the dining room dishes onto the floor crashing. I began to laugh, throwing my dark locks back over my shoulders. “You are so predictable, and I'm not sure this is working for me anymore. This is not me, and I feel like I am losing a part of myself by letting you manipulate me with false promises.” Don't get me wrong, I was deeply in love with him at one time, but even those times seemed so far away that I could barely see them anymore. Even our lovemaking had taken the toll, which was only getting physical on special occasions, and sometimes not even then.

“Oh man, I know that I have wronged you, and I don't know what you want to hear. You knew what you were getting into when we married, and I told you in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't be around all that often. I don't want to lose you, and maybe we should get away from all of this.” I thought for sure that he was suggesting that we take a break, which would lead to a separation and then ultimately a divorce. That one word stuck in my head, flashing over and over with the implication that I couldn't make it work.

“Are you saying that you want a divorce? If that is what you are saying, then be a god damn man and say it.” I stood defiantly with my hands slapping onto the oak surface of the dining room table, wearing my most expensive little black dress, and the 4-inch heels that made my legs looked like they went to heaven.

“No, I don't want to get a divorce.” Sometimes I think that he just married me because of my looks, and my gravity defying breasts. I suppose I can take solace in the fact that we didn't have any children, not that we even had that much time to even think about bringing somebody else into this world. I'm not even sure when the last time we made love was, and just thinking about that makes me kind of sad. “Honey, I won't be doing this forever, and when I finally retire I will be able to spend all my time with you.” I had learned enough over the years to know that retirement for people in his possession usually came in the form of a bullet.

“I’ve been taken advantage of for too long, and I want some assurances, or you are going to watch my finely toned ass walking out the door.” He could see that I was steadfast in my resolve, and my eyes were more than enough to tell him that I was dead serious. “If you could work on our marriage as well as you can spy for the country, then I don't think we would be having these problems.” His main concern was keeping the country safe, but in the process he was neglecting the one person in his life that stood by him through thick and thin.

“Okay, I hear what you're saying, and I think I might have a way to show you how much you mean to me. I have an assignment in Hong Kong.” I wasn’t surprised by this latest turn of events. “And, I don't think that is going to take me very long to finish the assignment, and I was wondering if you would want to join me over there for a spontaneous anniversary vacation. We could take in the sights, go to some of the fine Japanese restaurants, and stay at one of the most expensive hotels in the area.” I could see that he was making an effort, and I had to give him credit for at least thinking about what was best for us.

“I still don't know if this is going to help us, but I am willing to give it a shot.”

“You know that you are very sexy when you get angry, and the way that your chest thrusts out makes me putty in your hand.” He was a charmer, but that was part of his training and I often wonder just how far he went in the field. Was it possible that he had taken lovers with the excuse that it was all part of the job? There were times that I gave that some thought, and then there were times that I tried to block it out of my mind altogether.

“With everything that you have done and haven't done, I can never be sure if you are telling me the truth or not. I'm not even sure that you would know what the truth is any more, and I think that's part of the problem right there.” If he thought he was going to smooth this over with another promise that he was going to break, then he was about to find out just how sadly mistaken he was going to be. “This has got to be your final chance, and if we can't work it out this time, then it might be best that we part ways before we end up resenting each other. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I’m just trying to tell you how I feel deep down inside.” He was listening, but I could already see that the gears in his head were moving 1,000,000 miles an hour.

“This isn't going to be like any other time, and I'm going to take you on a whirlwind vacation that will make you fall in love with me all over again. This marriage is the only thing that is anchoring me to something that isn't subterfuge or deceitful. You don't know how much I need you in my life, and I will do everything in my power to show you.” Again, I wasn't sure he was just placating me or giving me lip service, but I imagine that I was going to find out sooner than later.

“For now, I don't think it’s a good idea that we sleep in the same bed, as I need some time to get over this latest disappointment. If you are a man of your word, I would say that you are in fine shape to winning me back.” The displeasure was evident on his face, as he turned on his heels and stomped up the stairs to the bedroom. I heard the door slam, as he wanted to let me know that he was unhappy, and angry over this shocking betrayal of his marriage bed. “I don’t know why I let you do these things to me, but I think you deserve one more chance.” He couldn't possibly hear those last few words, unless of course he was bugging the house, and with what he did for a living, I really couldn't put that past him.

Cleaning up, I really felt that he should have been here doing this for me, but I decided to let this one slide. The anger that built up inside me had been doing so for some time, and this was one time that I couldn't control it. Everybody has their breaking point, and this so happened to be mine.

Looking at my reflection in the window by the kitchen sink, I saw a perfectly good waste of a sexy black dress that should have been right now, lying on the bedroom floor with his body covering mine and our cries of ecstasy echoing off the walls. I could still see and feel the last time that we were together, not that I could put a date on it or anything, but I could certainly remember how his hands played my body like a fiddle.

He was very adept at reading my body signals, but sometimes I wish that he took a firmer hand in the bedroom. Instead of always asking me for permission, I kind of wish that he would just take me like a real man, but he was way too considerate to even try something like that. I sighed deeply, finished cleaning up and walking out of the kitchen, touching the light switch and bringing everything else into darkness. Was this an omen of things to come, and was my relationship finally coming to an end.

I awoke in the morning completely naked in the bed of our guest room, hearing the same engine that I heard last night coming to life outside. He was gone before I got to the window, and then I turned to see a letter and a piece of paper lying beside me on the bed. Picking it up, I felt the coarse material, and then my fingers played over the surface, as I drank in every word. “Honey, you look so peaceful sleeping that I just didn't have the heart to wake you up. I missed you dearly in bed, and it felt so lonely and cold without you. I want to show you that I am the same man you married. I am not going to give you any kind of promises this time, only to say that these tickets should prove that this time I am on the level. Don't use them until you hear from me, and then you are more than welcome to join me in all of the Asian delights that Hong Kong offers. I love you, and I don't think I will ever feel the same about any other woman for as long as I live. I look forward to seeing you very soon, and know that I am always thinking about you wherever I am.”

I placed the letter on the bed, putting my hand up to my heart, while looking at the ticket that he had left me. This was not your typical economy class ticket, but was in fact a first-class ticket, which means that I was going to fly in luxury for the first time in my life.

Two days later, and I was getting this odd feeling that he wasn't going to come through, when out of the blue a message came to me on my answering machine. I wasn't there to pick it up, but I saw the message blinking when I came back from my Pilates class.

Touching the button, I heard his voice as clear as day. ”You probably thought that I was going back on my word, but I have finished my assignment, and I look forward to you getting here as soon as possible. You'll be staying at a hidden oasis, and I will be there at the airport to pick you up. The ticket is open ended, but I have taken the liberty of getting you booked on the next flight, which so happens to be at 2 PM this afternoon. See you soon.”

That didn't give me a lot of time, only about two hours to get packed and to the airport, but this time I wouldn't have to worry about being trapped behind or in front of a screaming baby. This time it wasn't going to be the typical airplane food, but more the champagne and caviar that first class was known for.

I was out of the house and in the taxi before I knew what was happening, and I was giddy with excitement for an adventure to an exotic locale. The only place that I have ever been to was Hawaii, and that was for a two-week honeymoon that only lasted two days. Then he was spirited away on another secret mission, leaving me to lounge around by the pool with a book and getting a very healthy tan.