Secrets (40 page)

Chapter Thirty-six

‘Andy? It's Joe – how are you doing?’

‘I'm good, mate, thanks. How's it in – where are you?’

‘Belgium – this week.’

‘Building?’

‘Pitching – costs and forecasts. Listen – and I don't want to overstep a line – but I was just calling to see if you managed to meet Tess?’

‘I did.’

‘Well, that's a relief – I wondered if she'd bottle and bolt.’

‘So did I – but she didn't. I went to the old house – it's changed, Joe. I wouldn't have recognized it – I certainly don't remember it being so light.’

‘That's because it was always dark – very dark – when we were kids.’

‘She's nifty, isn't she?’

‘She is,’ Joe paused. ‘She's great.’

‘How long have you been together, then?’

‘Funny thing is, it's difficult to tell. Looking back, since the moment we met really, back in March. It was cold then, it seems a long time ago. But anyway. You managed to sit her down? Listen – just tell me to back off if there's some kind of client confidentiality.’

‘Well, it seems you know her precise position – she kept saying, “Joe knows.” I've been through the options with her and I'll make an appointment with an insolvency practitioner I know. It's between bankruptcy – and she burst into tears when we spoke about that – or an IVA which is an Individual Voluntary Arrangement. An IVA has more flexibility than bankruptcy. It's thought of as “second-chance legislation” – it provides help with a wide range of debt problems. Each IVA is unique to each set of individual financial circumstances.’

‘Will it help her?’

‘Undoubtedly. Bankruptcy lasts a year but there is still a social stigma attached to it and Tess seems appalled by having to file – even though I pointed out that it is a good option considering she has no assets or significant income.’

‘An IVA?’

‘An IVA allows for payments to be made over five years. All legal action is dropped, calls and demands are stopped. On the whole, it's a better option for creditors too. Debts are consolidated into a single contract with one monthly payment – at the end of the IVA period, the remaining debt is written off. The administration costs are lower than bankruptcy and the debtor does not face the same restrictions as those imposed on bankrupts. She could even have a bank account – but with no overdraft. IVAs were set up to be less stressful than bankruptcy – though both are pretty depressing, I have warned her. She's absolutely determined to settle her debts.’

‘Between you and me, can I still pass her cash, then, for her house-sitting?’

‘I didn't hear that.’

‘I said – can I still—’

‘Joe, I can't
hear
that – OK?’

‘Ah. I see. OK.’

‘The trouble is, you need to be in employment to do an IVA – you can even continue to trade and access trade credit if it helps you pay off your creditors. So it's a bit of a shag that her work is voluntary at the moment.’

‘Well, it is and it isn't – she volunteers what she wants to do to the old house and then I pay for the materials.’

‘No – I mean the other stuff.’

‘Oh – the face creams and things. It was her friend who organized that evening. Sounded more like a casual one-off than a regular thing. It was cash, for sure – most of it was under her mattress.’

‘I didn't hear that either, Joe. No – I mean the voluntary work she does at the old folks’ place.’

Joe paused.

‘Joe?’

Still he paused. Then: ‘I can't hear you. Line's gone a bit – I'll call you when I'm next – Cheers, Andy.’

‘She's a great girl, Joe – you've struck gold with her.’

‘I can't hear you,’ Joe said quietly and he ended the call.

Voluntary work?

Why didn't he know about that?

At an old folks’ home?

Shit.

Penny's dropped.

Why the –

Pretty quickly though, Joe decided not to let the penny drop. Instead, he picked it up and put it in his pocket, intending to take it home with him that weekend so he could hand it over to Tess and say, hey, does this belong to you? If Tess had been so open with him about issues she'd previously closed off from her entire world, then in all probability there was nothing untoward about this old folks business. There were plenty in Saltburn, anyway. The Endeavour – the next house but one – had been converted into such an establishment.

But why hadn't she mentioned it, he wondered as he checked the hotel room and puzzled over which country his brown shoes were in – he was sure he'd brought them to Belgium. He reasoned that during his last visit home, they'd talked about so much else of such great significance that there probably hadn't been the time or an opening for Tess to mention a bit of voluntary work she'd picked up. As he checked out and hailed a cab, he did wonder – she wouldn't hide something from me, would she? She wouldn't be doing the very thing – the only thing – he'd asked her not to do, would she?

By the time he arrived at the airport, he'd decided that no, Tess wouldn't do that. There might be stuff she might not want him to know – she might have had secrets but she wouldn't be secretive, she wouldn't be deceitful. Not with him. She loved him too much. He'd never felt anything like it.

But then Nathalie accosted his mind's eye.

As did Rachel in London.

And Eva in Brussels – after all, hadn't he phoned her when he'd arrived, just to say, hi, I'm back in town? She was out of the city and now Joe had to admit to himself that though he'd felt relieved at the time, hadn't he also felt just slightly disappointed too? As he waited at the gate to board, he did contemplate the finer points of secrecy and deceit and he thought about the stuff he wouldn't want Tess to know. Settling into his seat, putting on his safety belt, he challenged himself about it all. He asked himself, what would you have done, had Eva been around, had you had dinner with her, had she suggested coming back to your hotel with you? He answered himself: you'd've said to yourself, where's the harm – no one need know. You'd've said to yourself, it's only sex; it has nothing to do with my feelings for Tess. He asked himself, what'll you do when you're next in France? But he feigned not to hear himself. He focused instead on the journey he was embarking on. Back home. To Tess. One thing he was sure about was that he never thought about the other women once he'd left their countries – but he thought about Tess all the time.

Tess, Tess, top of my list.

There shouldn't be a list really, he told himself. Everyone else should be gone from it. Why haven't I struck them off?

As the plane taxied, Joe closed his eyes. They felt sore from all that sudden introspection. He opened them again only once he was back on British soil. It struck him, as he drove from the airport and headed for home, that he'd booked the flight on the spur of the moment because he wondered if he might catch Tess out. He imagined turning up unannounced and coming across her in the act. Only now did he ask himself why he wanted to do that. Was it to make himself feel better? Or was it far more complex than that? The act he envisaged intercepting was hardly on a par with what went on with him behind Tess's back. Why was he rushing home with sabotage in his mind? He had to pull in to a lay-by and think about that one. He rummaged around in the glove compartment and found half a tube of soft mints. There was a sour taste in his mouth. He thought, maybe I'm trying to pre-empt it all coming tumbling down – like they did with the Halfpenny Bridge. He thought, maybe I'm going to destroy this relationship myself before it reaches the danger point of implosion, does more damage, causes greater hurt. Because that's what relationships do, don't they? Proper ones – not the casual setups I've hitherto organized for myself far from home turf.

He drove off, keeping in the slow lane. He knew he'd never been in love before because he'd actively avoided it; he'd organized alternatives where the fun and his independence were not compromised and where his emotional security could never be undermined. He had never wanted to live with someone or do the family thing. In his experience, it was not the path to true happiness but a shortcut to pain and loneliness.

But wasn't he now living with the girl he was in love with? They shared a home, didn't they? Their love was not conditional on how much time they could spend together at home. Their love bridged distance and time.

Tess was beside herself. She was clambering all over Joe in much the same way Wolf used to do before his accident. He was intending to go to Swallows that very evening – but it could wait. Anything that might disrupt this flood of harmony and happiness could bloody well wait.

‘If I knew you were coming – I'd've, I'd've –’ She laughed and burst into song. ‘
If I knew you were coming I'd've baked a cake
.’

She put her arms around his neck and leant back so she could take a long look at him. Then she came in close, standing on bare tiptoes, kissing him over and over. ‘I'd've gone to the shops at the very least – there's not much in the fridge.’

‘My feeling is you quite liked the surprise, missy. But next time, I'll furnish you with my flight times, then. I'll phone you en route, if you like.’

‘No! Don't! I love it! I
love
it!’

‘We could just do fish and chips for our tea?’

‘Yes!’

‘Or we could have –’ Joe looked into the pan simmering on the stove, ‘– orangey mush?’

‘That's Em's – and it's organic sweet potato and butternut squash mash.’

‘I said mash.’

‘You said mush!’

‘I love the way you feed Emmeline. Where is she by the way?’

‘Out there – look.’

They looked out into the garden where Em was busy decanting water from a selection of receptacles into a large washing-up bowl.

‘I love it that Em can mooch about, safely on her own. That I can potter about – and every now and then I look up and she's happy in her own little world. But you can pop out there for me and tell her it's supper-time. If you like.’

‘We call it “tea” round these parts, Posh Totty.’

Tess watched Joe go out into the garden. Her adrenalin was still up from his arrival and yet she felt utterly grounded. And proud – all this way to see her! And that lovely comment about her maternal skills. She thought, whatever he says to me, I believe. She thought, Grandma always said to accept a compliment and now I really understand what she meant. Compliments, Tess had previously thought, oughtn't to be trusted. A compliment from Joe, Tess decided then and there, could be taken at face value.

She watched from the window as he strolled over to Em, stooped and tapped her on the shoulder most formally. Em looked up and seemed nonplussed by his arrival on the scene. He offered her his hand and they had a rather solemn handshake. Then she offered him a jug full of blue soapy water and he pretended to take a good glug before he dropped to the grass and rolled around as if poisoned. Em peered at him and slowly emptied a beaker of the water all over the seat of his trousers. Inside, Tess clasped her hand to her mouth. Oh God, he's
soaked
. She was about to tap on the window, shake a responsible finger at Em, but the peels of Joe's laughter stopped her. Let them have their quality time and their private joke, Tess thought. And when she heard them make their way to the back door, she busied herself at the stove.