Secrets in the Marriage Bed (10 page)

She looked across the road to the park abutting the sandy beach. “Sounds good. It’s not too cold.” Dressed in jeans and a thick, cable-knit sweater in sky-blue, she wasn’t feeling the chill wind cutting off the sea.

Caleb pulled out the car keys from his jeans. “Why don’t you go get the picnic thing you put in the trunk and I’ll grab something. Meet you over there.” He pointed to a sunny spot. “Any preferences?”

“You choose.” Taking the keys, she paused for an instant, then stood on tiptoe and quickly kissed him on the mouth before walking away. Such a small action but something she’d never have done before, believing public gestures of affection to be “inappropriate.” Sometimes, she hated her grandmother, but she didn’t want to think about that today.

Reaching the place where they’d parked the car, she opened the trunk and grabbed the picnic set she’d put in there months ago in the vain hope that Caleb would get the hint. That he’d remembered was a very good sign, she thought, locking the car. The small basket contained plates, eating utensils and a thin blanket to sit on.

She got to the beach before Caleb, her mind on the last time they’d done this. It had been the weekend after he’d won a big case three years ago. With a smile, she remembered him completely burning everything on the barbeque because she’d distracted him with her tiny, flame-red bikini—it had taken her hours to work up the nerve to expose the outfit he’d teasingly bought for her months before. They’d ended up eating meatless burgers because the isolated beach they’d gone to was too far from any shops. And for once, she’d known she’d pleased her husband.

Flicking out the blanket, she sat and put the basket on one edge to keep it from lifting in the soft breeze. As she waited for him to arrive, she people-watched. From the inline skaters on the sidewalks to the families in the park, the area bubbled with energy.

One mother was throwing a ball to her laughing toddler, both of them wildly amused by the child’s antics. Vicki found herself grinning along with them until her eyes fell on the man she guessed to be the father. He was sitting nearby but with a cell phone to his ear and an open briefcase beside him. Now and then, the woman would look over at him as if inviting him to join in the fun but he seemed barely aware of her or the child’s presence.

A shadow fell across the blanket and a second later Caleb joined her, holding a pizza carton, cans of soda and what looked to be a foil-wrapped loaf of garlic bread. “What’s got you so interested?” he asked.

“Nothing.” She looked away but he’d already followed her gaze. Neither of them said anything as she opened the pizza box, propping the lid to keep the breeze from blowing sand into it. While she unwrapped the garlic bread, Caleb popped the cans of soda.

They’d both started to eat when Caleb spoke again. “Is that what you’re afraid will happen with us?”

She couldn’t be anything but honest. “Yes. But you’re trying, honey, I know. I mean, we have this whole weekend.”

“One weekend in a couple of months isn’t going to cut it, is it, Vicki?” Those clear hazel eyes were so intense she felt as if he could see into her soul.

“A young child like the one over there might not notice so much,” she said quietly. If he was willing to talk about this, she couldn’t back away. “But a child who’s going to school, who’s playing on the soccer or hockey team definitely will.”

Putting another slice of pizza on his plate, she took a sip of soda before admitting something so painful she preferred not to think about it. “I missed my parents every single day that they weren’t there. I wasn’t much into sports but I used to play the flute in the school orchestra.”

She let herself remember the fading notes of memory, let herself remember the girl who’d looked out into the audience with such hope every single time. There was so much she still couldn’t bear to face, but for the sake of their unborn child, she’d confront this particular hurt.

“Once in a while, we’d stage a concert. Grandmother would attend but she wasn’t like the moms and dads who came with their video cameras, ready to record every moment, embarrassing their kids but showing them they were loved.

“She came so it couldn’t be said that Ada Wentworth was neglecting her grandchild.” She reached out to touch Caleb’s cheek in a fleeting caress. “I don’t want our child to feel like that, like an obligation. I don’t want her to think that you’re only in the audience because I forced you to come, that you’d much rather be at work doing something
important.”

Caleb put down his plate and linked his hand with hers, pulling her to sit close beside him. His face was turned toward the sea but she knew he was concentrating very hard on her words. “Work is part of who I am,” he said. “I could never sideline it totally.”

“I know that.” She wished she understood why it was so important to him to keep striving to be better than the best. She knew it had something to do with his family but he’d always refused to talk about that part of his past. All she knew was that he had something to prove and he’d let no one stand in the way of that goal. Not even his wife.

Beaten by his stubborn will, she’d never pursued the issue but perhaps the time had nearly come—it was no longer her happiness alone on the line. “I don’t expect you to push your work aside. All I want is for you to make room in your life for our child. Real room, not a moment here and there.”

He didn’t say anything else, but he’d listened. And while it wasn’t enough, it was a start.

The only sour note came as they were about to have coffee after dinner on Sunday night. Feeling supremely relaxed from the workout her husband had given her mere hours before, Vicki was smiling as Caleb went to pick up the phone.

A second after he answered, her smile disappeared. “Yes, Lara, of course it’s me.”

She put down the sugar bowl and walked over to join him. Touching his shoulder, she held out her hand for the phone. His gaze met hers and he shook his head. She knew why. Lara was probably going on and on and he didn’t want to stress Vicki out.

His need to protect her didn’t frustrate her, not now that she’d learned to stand up for herself when necessary. It had become a cherished gift, a sign that she was important to him.

Without warning, she grabbed the phone out of his hand and put it to her ear, slapping a palm on his chest to hold him off. Lara was in mid-rant. “Lara, this is Vicki.”

A pause. “Why are you on the phone? Where’s Caleb?”

“He wanted me to tell you the happy news.” Vicki was furious at Lara for destroying their weekend, her temper hanging on by a very thin thread.

“What?”

She scowled up at Caleb when he tried to reach over her to get the phone. “I’m pregnant. Isn’t that wonderful?” Caleb raised an eyebrow at her tone, no longer attempting to snatch the receiver.

Another pause, and Vicki had the impression Lara was conveying the news to someone else. “Congratulations. Did you just find out?”

“No. We’ve known for a while.”

“Thanks for telling us.” Sarcastic.

Vicki smiled and made her tone so sweet, it was this side of cutting—she’d learned the rules of polite savagery from the best. “The thing is, Lara, you never ask about us when you call so we don’t get the chance to share our news.”

A small pause, as though Lara were deciding if her usually well-mannered sister-in-law was being bitchy. “Look, give the phone back to Caleb.”

“I’m afraid he’s unavailable.” She leaned against him and wrapped one arm around his waist. His fingers started to play with the strands of her unbound hair, a silent statement that the call was now in her hands.

Buoyed by his support, she continued, “He’s busy
earning
money to support our child. We really have to start saving for college from the start, don’t you think?” A very long pause and in the background, harsh whispers. Her fingers tightened on the receiver. She knew exactly who was prompting Lara.

“He’s my brother.” The subtlest of threats.

“And he’s the father of my child,” she said softly, letting herself luxuriate in the feeling of something she’d barely dared to acknowledge before—Caleb’s loyalty was hers, now and for always.

Though he didn’t love her with the passionate devotion she knew his heart was capable of, though his work was the most important thing in his life, though he’d betrayed her in a way that had cut her to the core, he’d also shown her that she mattered. Mattered enough to fight for. And she was a woman who’d never mattered to anyone.

Caleb stiffened against her and she knew he was going to try and take over, having gauged what was going on. His ability to give her control obviously came to a screeching halt the instant he thought she might be hurt. Lord, she adored him, but he could drive her crazy. She pushed away and pointed at him to stay put. Eyes narrowed, he crossed his arms across his chest.

“You can’t keep me from talking to my brother.” Lara’s voice started to rise.

“I would never try to.” Vicki took a deep breath and pulled off the gloves. “As long as you don’t make him unhappy when you call, you’re free to talk to him. Can you do that, Lara?”

A long, almost dark silence, then the dial tone. Vicki sighed and put the phone on the wall cradle. “She hung up.”

Caleb hugged her into his arms. “I don’t want you dealing with my family. They can be—”

“No, Caleb.” She tipped her head back and looked up at him. “I meant what I said. We fight each other’s battles now. Don’t take this away from me. I’m strong enough to support you.”

He looked at her for a long, long time, a dawning pride in his eyes that nearly stopped her heartbeat. “You’re very sexy when you’re riled up, Mrs. Victoria Elizabeth Callaghan.”

She laughed. “Uh-huh, coffee first. Then we’ll talk.” Backing away, she suited action to words and poured their drinks. Caleb kept teasing her with kisses on her neck until she finally pushed him into a chair and put his coffee on the table in front of him. “Behave.”

He grinned and took a sip.

Shaking her head, she leaned her body against the edge of the table beside his chair, her mind on their earlier conversation. “What I don’t understand is why your family is so hard on you. I mean, I know you chose a different path but no matter their philosophical problems with the capitalist way—” she rolled her eyes “—I’d have thought they’d be proud of you. Even my grandmother is impressed by your achievements and she’s the harshest judge I know.”

Caleb felt his jaw lock. “Yeah, well.” This was one place he did not want to go.

She put a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “There’s something more, isn’t there?”

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s just relax and have our coffee.” He picked up his cup, wondering if she knew how pretty she looked in her pink sweater and jeans. She was what was important, not Lara and his parents. “I don’t want to discuss my family right now.”

He held his breath as he waited for her to drop the subject, to let sleeping dogs lie. But he’d forgotten how much things had changed.

“No, what you need to do is talk to me,” she said, continuing to caress his cheek.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

She dropped her hand but her eyes wouldn’t release him. “Then why are you angry?”

“I’m not angry.” Putting down his cup, he laid a hand on her thigh.

With another scowl, she put down her own cup and straightened from her leaning position. He thought she was accepting defeat. Then she threw one leg over him and straddled his lap, hands flat on his shoulders. “Talk to me.”

“Maybe there are things I don’t want to talk about.” He’d put the crushing shame of his past behind him. There was no need to bring it all up. Not now. Not when their life was finally going wonderfully right.

“Tell me why they treat you this way.” She frowned as he picked her up and put her aside before going to ostensibly refill his cup. “You can’t shut down whenever you feel like it, Caleb.”

His temper snapped. Thumping the cup on the counter, he faced her across the length of the room. “You’re telling me I’m shut in? What about you?” It was a defensive strike and part of him was ashamed at using his skills at cross-examination to put Vicki on the back foot.

The truth was, he didn’t want to talk about why his father hated him and his mother barely tolerated him.
Ever.
So he’d turned the spotlight on Vicki. But in spite of the reason driving him, he was also speaking the absolute truth.

Caleb looked more furious than Vicki had ever seen him. Despite all their fights up to this point, he’d never let his temper get this out of control. Right now, she could almost see the sparks in his eyes. What she couldn’t understand was why.

“Me?” She pointed to her chest, hurt that he was bringing up her sexual deficiencies when she’d thought he’d begun to understand why she’d acted as she had. “I know I’m not great in bed but—”

He cut her off with a wave of his hand. “I’m not talking about sex.”

“Then what?” She was truly confused but she wasn’t about to let it show. Caleb was a good man but he was also a stubborn one who liked getting his own way. She refused to sit back and let him bulldoze over her. The last time she’d done that, it had almost destroyed their marriage.

“Christ, Vicki.” He shoved his fingers through his already mussed-up hair, a remnant from their earlier loving. “Do you know how hard it is to get through that shell you’ve grown around yourself?” He shook his head. “You’re like a damn hermit crab. Every time I ask too much of you, you withdraw into your protective walls.” His eyes were tormented. “Do you know what it’s like living with a woman who can shut you out without a thought? It kills.”

She shook her head. “I don’t. I’ve always tried to meet you halfway.”

The word he said was sharp, blunt and so brutally explicit that she took a step back. Part of her wasn’t sure she had the ability to deal with him when he was like this. The other part of her whispered that this was what she was fighting for—a husband who didn’t hold himself back for fear that she couldn’t handle him.

“I don’t know what your family did to you,” he said, “but it scarred you, even if you won’t admit it. You’re so terrified of letting anyone close to you, trusting anyone with a piece of yourself that you’d rather be alone.”

“That’s a lie!” she cried. “I’m fighting for us!”

“Are you? If I ask you questions you don’t want to answer, ask you to face things you don’t want to face, what will you do?” His jaw was clenched so tight, there were white lines around his mouth. “You’ll go hide, get yourself under control, then smile at me in the morning as if nothing happened.”

She couldn’t speak, she was shaking so hard. Mutely, she reproached him. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t. “Maybe that was true before. But not anymore. I came to you,” she whispered, reminding him of the night when she’d forced him to listen to her despite his anger.

“It’s not enough to rip open your heart once and then seal it back up again, satisfied that you’ve filled your emotional debts.”

“I don’t understand.” She was trembling.

His shoulders lifted as he put his hands on his hips. “Now that we’re happy in bed, you feel like you can go back into that safe little shell where you live your life, where you don’t have to deal with the fact that another person’s needs might involve you making yourself vulnerable.”

That broke her paralysis. “How can you say that? You know how much it hurt me when I thought I couldn’t give you what you needed. I wouldn’t have felt that way if I was closed off!” She was screaming, and she wasn’t a woman who screamed.

His fists clenched at his sides. “But you didn’t show it when it mattered, did you? You didn’t talk to me about it. You just let the wound fester until divorce seemed the only option!”

She wanted to argue but couldn’t. He was right. Even now, she still kept secrets—the most damaging, painful kind of secrets. She’d tried not to think about it, tried to put what he’d done with Miranda behind her, but his infidelity continued to be a bleeding cut inside of her, something that wore away at the soul of their marriage. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to speak about it, couldn’t bring herself to lay her heart open to the blinding hurt she knew awaited.

“How many things are you never going to talk to me about because they’re too hard to face?” His eyes were a maelstrom of emotion. “Do you know why I’m really mad? It has nothing to do with our problems in bed.”

“Then what?” she asked, terrified she knew the answer.

“Marriage is about mutual trust, Vicki. Mutual support. It’s a partnership, but you’re only willing to embrace the pieces of that partnership that suit you. It’s easy for you to focus on helping me confront my scars. That way, you don’t have to look at your own.”

Vicki couldn’t speak. Word after word, Caleb was destroying the tools of survival that had helped her grow up without a mother and father, without any loving attention.

“You ask me about my family but when have you ever spoken about yours? Last year, Danica came to visit and you cried for a week after she left but
you wouldn’t tell me why.”
His voice broke. “Do you think I don’t know how much you keep inside? How much you bury so you won’t have to admit you were hurt?”

A sob caught in the back of her throat. “Am I that weak?” she whispered. “That scared of dealing with the past?” Her hands lifted to her mouth.

The agony in Vicki’s eyes devastated Caleb. Guilt awakened but he wasn’t willing to retreat. This was the closest she’d ever come to speaking about her secrets. “You’re not weak.” Crossing the distance that had separated them during the course of the argument, he drew her hands away from her mouth.

“But I’m so afraid, Caleb. So terrified.”

“Of what, sweetheart?” A fist was clenched around his heart, squeezing the life out of him. He was as much to blame as her for their situation. He’d helped her hide, helped her pull away from everything that might be too much, gone so far as to restrict his needs to what he thought she could handle.

Yes, sexually, they were starting to come into sync but what about emotionally? She remained so far from him, so wary of giving him everything. All the touches in the world couldn’t hide the fact that she’d never once told him she loved him.

He used to whisper love words into her ear, but never had she said them back. This time, he wasn’t going to lay his heart on the line. Not without her taking the same chance, which meant she had to break free from the past. “What are you afraid of?” he repeated when she remained silent.