Secrets of a Chalet Girl (9 page)

Not that he really wanted to end it at all. Still. An unutterable weariness weighed down his limbs with the knowledge of ‘The Right Thing’.

I can’t put Flora through another scene like today.

“Are you sure you’re okay, after, you know, everything?” Zac asked as they climbed into the pristine white bed that had been made up by housekeeping in their absence. He tossed the complimentary chocolate and weather forecast card from his pillow onto the bedside cabinet and sank gratefully into bed.

“Yes, sure,” Flora replied, she snuggled up to him but felt tense in his arms. He ached to make love to her but he knew he had to back off. She’d practically told him to hadn’t she? Or maybe she was simply knackered? He knew he was.

I’m too tired to read subtext. I wish women came with subtext subtitles or at the very least always said exactly what they mean. It would make life so much easier.

It didn’t feel fair to make love to her now he’d decided to end it, anyway. For all her bravado, Flora clearly wasn’t used to casual sex and he really didn’t want to hurt her. He longed to protect her, not to add to the pain she’d already had to deal with.

The best way you can protect Flora is to stay well away from her. If you stay around you’re going to be constantly opening up old wounds. What happens the next time you get a call from mum? Because there’s going to be a next time.

There always was.

“So, what time do you want me to drop you off at Chalet Repos in the morning?” he asked causally, wanting to take the words back as soon as they’d left his lips.

But he couldn’t.

And why delay the inevitable? It was like taking off a plaster – best to do it quick and get the pain over and done with.

She tensed next to him. “Of course, if you’ve got stuff to do tomorrow, I should be getting back anyway, I promised Holly I’d help with wedding prep. Will I, er, see you at the wedding?”

“Of course. We can go together if you like?” Zac knew he’d detonated a land mine. He’d chosen to press the self-destruct button on the best thing to happen to him in years.

And only the sense he was doing the right thing stopped him pulling Flora to him and demonstrating exactly how special he thought she was.

It was for the best.

So why did it feel so utterly wrong?

Misery weighed Flora down as she lay at Zac’s side. She might be inexperienced but she knew a brush off when she saw one. She wasn’t stupid. Only now he was cutting her loose did she realise just how much she wanted him to go on being a part of her life.

How could she blame him? She’d been the one to put a best-before date of New Year’s Eve on the relationship after all. Not that she’d told him about it, obviously.

So she shouldn’t be angry to find out he’d done exactly the same thing and was calling time on the fling/shag/relationship, whatever it was. Delete as appropriate. Who knew what label he’d put on it?

But she was – pissed off and miserable. This Christmas break had started out so perfectly she’d begun to dream about all sorts of things she’d promised herself she wouldn’t.

It felt awful, unnatural even, to be so close to Zac and yet not be making love. Her body still tingled at the memory of how he’d last made her feel. She’d even let him go down on her and hadn’t felt stressed about the intimacy. That had to be a good sign, right?

She sighed, turning over and pulling her legs up to her chest to lie in the foetal position. Zac’s hand lightly stroked her back and she tensed, hoping for more, even though she’d said she just wanted to sleep. She’d said that because she was stressed out, not because she hadn’t wanted Zac…

Today had been emotion overload and she couldn’t handle any more right now.

But then he withdrew his hand. She stared at the wall, longing for his touch but too proud to ask for it this time and convinced she’d never get to sleep.

She must have been more exhausted than she realised from all the emotional fall out of the day because the next thing she knew sunlight was streaming through the windows, lighting the room with a pale golden glow.

So, that was it. Christmas was over and so were she and Zac. At least they were as good as. A wedding date was just going through the motions, being polite. He was, if nothing else, a gentleman.

Although, sod that, he was a hell of a lot more than a gentleman and after what she’d seen yesterday she admired him all the more for emerging from his home life as unscathed as he had.

He was strong, one of life’s survivors, and something in her was drawn to that. She liked it when he held her, she felt safe.

Oh God, she was going to cry again and she hadn’t even got out of bed yet. She pinched the bridge of her nose. If Zac could manage yesterday’s crap with such grace then she wasn’t going to let the side down again. It wasn’t fair of her to be constantly breaking down on him. She might not be a shrink but even she could see where Zac’s desire to care and protect came from.

But who looks after him?

A desire to be there for him mounted inside her, tears welling in her eyes again without warning. It was so sad to think of Zac as a boy, growing up with a dad like that and a mum who always put the dad first. She wanted to shout at his parents to bloody well appreciate the son they’d been given and get their messed up heads in order.

It wouldn’t help the situation but it would make her feel a hell of a lot better.

She rolled onto her back and blinked back the tears.

Think happy thoughts, Flora. Think about the wedding, how happy Holly is and how good she and Scott have been to you. Think about hitting the slopes, drinking in mountain canteens and endless days of sunshine…

For some reason that led her to thinking about sex with Zac – how alive and affirmed she’d felt by it. She’d miss the sex. She’d miss Zac.

He didn’t look much better than she felt and they barely spoke as they dressed and packed their bags to check out. Flora took one last look at the perfect view over the lake to the Alps and swallowed down the bitter disappointment. She’d been so happy when they’d checked in. When had she last been that happy?

She could barely look at Zac for fear she’d blurt out something really embarrassing or start crying or something. She managed a few lines about the wedding and what Scott and Holly were planning for the ceremony but beyond that the drive back to Verbier was a quiet one. Flora pretended to be looking out at the scenery every time tears threatened to leak out. She really hoped he hadn’t noticed. She had to act cool. That was what you were supposed to do in these situations, right? Well she was going to have to get used to it. She’d have to toughen up a bit. Or become a recluse, which was always an option.

Zac didn’t say much. She guessed he must still be upset about what had happened at his parents yesterday. If she’d needed a reminder of why she was doing this whole independence thing then the incident had been perfectly timed.

So, this was the right thing. Being single. Protecting herself.

For the right thing it sure hurt.

She lurched over from the passenger seat to kiss Zac on the cheek as soon as they pulled up outside Chalet Repos, needing to get the goodbye over and done with quickly. That way she might just might manage to avoid making a twat of herself.

“Thanks so much for the hotel and everything, you know…it’s been fun,” she said.

It had been so much more than fun. She’d experienced the kind of connection she hadn’t even realised existed with Zac and yet still she was walking away.

Life could be fricking complicated.

And she had to remember he was the one giving her the brush off. So that meant, according to dating rules as she’d understood them from the safety of a long-term relationship, she had to act coolly and pretend that it was her idea.

Which actually it kind of had been to start with.

Oh hell!

She had a tension headache from all the repressed tears. As soon as they’d mumbled a goodbye and awkwardly kissed cheeks like the friends they were now destined to be, she fled into Chalet Repos’ back entrance, unable to bear looking back at the car and Zac. Silent tears dripped down her cheeks as she stumbled to the bathroom, the only room in Chalet Repos with a lock and some privacy. But in the corridor she bumped into Holly.

“Hello stranger!” Holly smiled and then her eyes widened as she saw Flora’s face. “Hey, what’s up?”

“I…I…” Flora stammered, unable to form anything resembling a sentence. She glanced over Holly’s shoulder, aware that anyone might come down the corridor and overhear them.

“Let’s go to the storeroom.” Holly took Flora’s elbow and steered her gently down to the basement. “Sometimes I go there for a bit of peace and quiet myself.”

“Oh?” Flora choked back her sobs. “I’m…so…sorry Holly.”

“Don’t be sorry. Cry as much as you need to. But tell me what’s wrong and we’ll see if we can sort it, okay?”

Holly’s soothing, no-nonsense tones helped calm Flora. They entered the storeroom and once the door was shut Flora let her guard down, slumping onto a crate. Holly sat down next to her and placed a hand over hers.

It was just the right amount of bodily contact - enough for Flora to know she wasn’t as utterly alone as she felt. Holly didn’t speak, just waited quietly next to her and her patience soothed Flora’s strained nerves.

“It’s been a weird couple of days…” Flora found her story coming out. Not all of it, she didn’t think it was right to share the details of what had happened at Zac’s parents, that was his secret to tell.

“How do you know he doesn’t think
you
wanted to end it?” Holly asked when Flora had finished. “Some people jump before they’re pushed you know?”

“I suppose.” Flora fell silent, thinking about Zac. It had all been going great until Christmas day and the thing with his parents.

“Did you even give him any indication you really liked him and wanted to carry on seeing him?” Holly asked, rocking back on her crate.

“Of course not.” Flora almost smiled. “And risk being humiliated?”

“Could you really feel any worse than you do right now?” Holly fixed her gaze on Flora.

“You’ve got a point.” Flora sighed.

“If you only listen to one thing I say today then make it this - be open with him. Zac’s one of the good guys.” Holly patted Flora’s hand. “I like him, I think he’s worth fighting for. You could do a lot worse. Well from the sound of it you already have done a lot worse…”

“You’re right there.” Flora grimaced.

Holly stared at her, her eyes thoughtful, as though debating something internally. “You know it wasn’t all plain sailing with me and Scott getting together?”

“Really? But you’re perfect together.” Flora turned towards Holly, surprised.

“Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Particularly when you’re a survivor. Having bad stuff happen to you makes it harder but it doesn’t make it impossible,” Holly said. “We obsess so much about timing or what we should be doing but really – if something good comes along in this life I say you need to grab it with both hands and hold onto it. Otherwise you’re living a life of fear and that’s really not much fun.”

Staring into Holly’s eyes Flora knew that her boss really knew what it was like to have her life implode. She understood.

“How did you get so wise?” she asked.

Holly shrugged. “Life happened. But let’s think practically. A bit of breathing space might be a good idea and I’ve got a few things that could take your mind off it, if you wouldn’t mind helping with some last minute wedding prep? I’ve been having a bit of a problem with organising the urns for the Glühwein to help the guests keep warm while we’re in the chapel. As you know it’s so tiny we’re not all going to fit in for the first bit.”

“Hey, I’d love to help. It’s the least I can do to repay you for the pep talk!”

“Well, anytime you need pepping, I’m your woman.” Holly patted Flora on the back. “Ready to face the masses? I warn you Scott’s parents are a little, erm, stuffy so I’d steer clear of them. But don’t tell him I said that. You know what it’s like, we criticise our own parents all the time but no one else is allowed to do it!”

“Sure.” Flora smiled and followed Holly out of the storeroom, not feeling better exactly but certainly a lot calmer.

It was time to stop lying to herself and grow up a bit. She had something special with Zac, a connection she’d never experienced with Tom. And to let that go because of some misguided notion that she ought to be single for a bit was madness.

She was going to fight for Zac. Even if he said no and didn’t feel the same way at least she’d know she’d given it her best shot.

But there was something else she needed to do first.

Flora saw Zac before he saw her. She put her skis into the rack, not wanting to be encumbered and needing a moment to get her thoughts together before she went for it. It was such a fun idea of Holly’s for them to all ski, board or skidoo down from the tiny chapel. Those outside the chapel would be able to warm themselves with glasses of Glühwein before the whole party made its way down to the canteen for a Swiss food extravaganza of raclette, fondue and rösti.

It was certainly very different from the traditional wedding she’d planned with Tom. It was as though she’d been a completely different person back then, not even knowing her own preferences, so anxious was she to keep everyone happy. She barely recognised herself.

Holly and Scott were having their wedding the way they wanted it, despite the grumbling from Scott’s parents. Good on them.

All the preparations for the wedding day were done and Flora was glad she’d been around to help. But now it was time to do something nice for herself.

“Hi there,” she called out. He turned, eyes lighting up with recognition.

It felt like coming home.

“Hi there.” His smile reached his eyes and she wanted to kiss him.

Talking first, kissing second.

“How are you?” She walked over to him, feeling her heart beating hard in her ribcage.

Be brave!

“I’m, er, great.”

He didn’t look great. Sure he looked super hot as per usual but his eyes were bloodshot and tiredness was etched into his face. Had he not been sleeping?

Is it conceited to think I might be the cause? Go on Flora, it’s the only way you’ll ever know. Holly was right - who wants to live a life full of regrets?

“I really like you Zac,” she blurted out, too nervous to begin her preprepared speech. It was hard to remember her lines now she was actually standing here, taking a chance.

“I like you too, but…” He shook his head.

“Ssh.” She placed a finger on his lips before he could go on and, softly he kissed it, his eyes gleaming. Now she knew for sure she was doing the right thing. “Let me say what I’ve got to say first, please?”

He nodded.

“I’d like us to start seeing each other,” she said. “No wishy-washy, vague flings or friends with benefits. I think we have something special and we shouldn’t throw that away, for any reason.”

Zac shook his head again, slowly, sadly. Staring into his eyes she saw real anguish.

“Why don’t you just tell me what’s wrong?” She reached out a hand to touch the sleeve of his ski jacket, as though trying to keep him anchored to her. The sun had disappeared behind a cloud and the cold wind from the snow covered Alps chilled her. What if this didn’t work after all? “Everything was fine, well it was more than fine, until Christmas Day at your…”

“Exactly. My parents. I don’t think it’s fair to put you through that again Flora. You need to be well away from…well I saw how much that day affected you.” He stared at her imploringly, his eyes begging her to understand. He gently stroked the side of her face, his fingers were warm against her cold skin. “You were as white as a sheet that day and it was my fault for taking you there. I can’t expose you to that again.”

“Hey, isn’t that my decision to make?” she asked softly. “And don’t I remember you giving me a lecture about not taking responsibility for other people’s actions? What happened that day was your father’s fault. End of.”

She was dimly aware of the people around them, gathering to ski or board to the chapel together. But all that mattered to her was Zac and at the moment she didn’t give a fig what anyone thought of her, either here in Verbier or back home in England.

This was her world, right here with Zac, the world she was making.