Secrets of the Lighthouse (40 page)

‘Not when it involves shaming the family, Ellen,’ Peg told her firmly. ‘It was bad enough that Maddie ran away with her Englishman, but if she was pregnant with Dylan’s
child . . .’ She sighed heavily. ‘Jaysus, my mam would turn in her grave. Thank the Lord she didn’t live to hear the truth. No, Johnny won’t tell a soul, I can promise you
that.’ She glanced out of the window. ‘But he’ll be turning up, I guarantee it.’

They drank their tea and ate their porridge, their conversation repetitive as they asked the same questions over and over, which only Madeline could answer. A little while later, they heard the
sound of a car drawing up outside the house.

‘Told you,’ said Peg, getting up to look out of the window. But she was surprised to see Conor’s Range Rover on the gravel. ‘It’s your man,’ she said,
watching her niece’s face light up. ‘Why don’t you ask him in for a cup of tea?’

Ellen hurried outside to meet him. She didn’t climb into the car, but walked round to his window, where she leaned in to kiss him. He took in her wild hair and red cheeks and smiled at her
appreciatively. ‘Where have you been this morning?’ he asked.

‘Down on the beach.’

‘Already?’

‘I woke up feeling dreadful. The wind has blown my troubles away.’

He looked concerned. ‘You should have called me.’

‘It was still dark outside.’

‘So? Magnum would have liked an early walk.’

‘I’m with Peg. She knows about Dylan. We discussed it last night. Why don’t you come in and have a cup of tea? She’d love you to.’ He looked uneasy for a moment.
‘The kitchen isn’t full of Byrnes, I promise.’

But before he could answer, the sight of a gleaming black car motoring sedately up Peg’s drive distracted them both.

‘Who’s that?’ Conor asked.

‘Well, it’s not Johnny,’ Ellen replied.

Peg, who had been at the window, now came outside. ‘Would you look at that fine car! It must be lost. You’re not expecting anyone, are you, Conor?’

‘Not that I’m aware of,’ Conor replied.

The car slowed down as it approached the house. They peered through the glass to see a driver at the wheel and a woman in the back seat in a thick coat, gloves and hat.

Ellen caught her breath and blanched. ‘It’s my mother,’ she managed, before the driver got out and walked around to open the door for Lady Anthony Trawton.

Peg’s hands dropped to her sides and she stared in astonishment and disbelief at the strange woman who now stood before her, beautiful but uncertain beneath her finery. For what seemed an
interminable amount of time, no one said a word. They just gazed at each other warily, like cowboys in an old Western movie waiting for someone to draw a gun.

At last, Madeline broke the silence. ‘Peg,’ she said.

‘Maddie?’ Peg replied, searching the woman’s face for the girl she used to know. ‘Is that really you?’

‘I’ve come for my daughter,’ she told her steadily. She settled her chilly blue eyes on her child. ‘Your note was unacceptable, Ellen. You will come home now and you will
marry William and we will put this silly nonsense behind us.’

It was Conor’s turn to look surprised. He turned to Ellen. ‘You’re getting married?’

‘I was going to tell you—’ she began.

‘Of course she’s getting married!’ her mother interrupted. Her jaw stiffened and she turned her gaze onto the dashing man in the car. ‘And you are?’

‘Conor Macausland,’ he replied coldly, but he didn’t extend his hand or get out of the car.

By the look on her daughter’s face, she instantly understood their relationship. ‘She’s engaged to William Sackville. Didn’t she tell you?’

Conor’s face flushed and hardened, and he closed his eyes a second, inhaling slowly through his nostrils.

‘That’s why I ran away,’ said Ellen. ‘Because I didn’t want to marry him.’

When he opened his eyes, they were dark and unfamiliar. Ellen’s heart plummeted.

‘You should have told me,’ he replied in a quiet voice.

‘I was going to,’ she replied.

He gripped the steering wheel. ‘Were you?’ He turned the key, and the roar of the engine made Ellen step back a pace. ‘Look, I’m going to leave you women to
it.’

‘I was going to tell you, Conor, I promise,’ she protested.

‘When? Today? Tomorrow?’ She didn’t answer. Conor shook his head and his mouth twisted with disappointment. ‘I trusted you, Ellen. I trusted you.’

She didn’t know what to say. She had had countless opportunities to tell him and she had failed. She hadn’t thought it would matter. She knew now that it mattered more than anything
else.

‘Conor, please don’t drive off!’ She choked, but he accelerated and the car sped down the drive and round the corner, taking her future with it.

Ellen rounded on her mother. ‘How could you?’ she shouted. ‘I don’t want to marry William. I don’t love him. I love Conor. I ran away because I don’t want the
life you want for me.’

Peg saw what was coming and was quick to intervene. ‘Let’s go inside and talk calmly,’ she urged.

But Madeline stood firm. ‘Go and pack your things. I’ll wait in the car,’ she commanded.

‘You think you can treat me like a child? You think I’m just going to go upstairs, pack my things and come home quietly? I’m thirty-three years old, for God’s sake.
I’ll do what I please.’

‘Ellen, be sensible. What’s got into you?’

‘Please come inside,’ said Peg, more urgently this time. She glanced at the driver who was listening to every word, although he was pretending not to hear.

‘No, Peg, I’m not staying,’ Madeline replied loftily. ‘I came to get Ellen. That’s all.’

‘Aren’t you even going to say hello to Dylan?’ Ellen challenged.

Peg stiffened. ‘Jaysus, will you two listen to me. Come inside, right now!’

Madeline’s mouth twitched at the mention of Dylan and she fidgeted her fingers in agitation. Reluctantly, she followed Peg and Ellen into the house.

Peg strode over to the Stanley to retrieve the kettle and set about making tea. Madeline stood awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen and removed only her hat and gloves. She looked around,
taking in Peg’s home with growing curiosity. Ellen wanted to jump into the car and drive after Conor, but she knew she had to resolve things with her mother before she could do anything else.
She felt sick to her stomach. How had her mother found her?

‘Now, let’s all calm down,’ said Peg, putting the kettle on the stove with trembling hands. ‘Why don’t you take your coat off, Maddie? You’ll get very hot in
here.’

Madeline dithered a moment, then slowly unbuttoned it. Beneath, she wore a grey silk blouse, grey flannel trousers and patent-leather court shoes; she looked as out of place in Peg’s
kitchen as a porcelain doll in a hayloft. Ellen sat on Jack’s chair and when Bertie nuzzled her with his wet snout, she stroked his coarse hair fondly.

‘I know about Dylan,’ Ellen said softly.

This simple phrase floored her mother. She dropped her shoulders in defeat, as a cowboy drops his gun when he realizes his opponent is better armed than he is.

‘I know why you called me Ellen,’ she continued. She watched her mother take the chair at the other end of the table and sit down. ‘He’s my father, isn’t he?’
Madeline’s eyes shifted to Peg, who paused her tea-making and looked at her sister fearfully. ‘You can’t hide the truth, Mum. I
know
.’

Madeline looked agonized. ‘Yes,’ she said at last. ‘He’s your biological father.’

Peg put down the kettle and held onto the sideboard for balance. Although she already knew, to hear her sister confirm it knocked the wind out of her. ‘Jaysus, Maddie,’ she
groaned.

When Madeline replied, her voice had lost its brittle tone. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Does Daddy know?’ Ellen asked. In the long moment before her mother answered, she wondered which she would prefer. She concluded that both ‘yes’ and ‘no’
were equally horrific.

Madeline looked down at her fingers and frowned. ‘I don’t know,’ she replied.

Ellen’s eyes filled with tears and she dropped her chin. Peg placed a mug of tea in front of her, then gave one to her sister and sat down between them. ‘How did you find us?’
Peg asked.

‘I flew over yesterday and stayed in a hotel last night, psyching myself up. Then when I drove into Ballymaldoon I had to ask where you lived. A lady walking a dog gave me
directions.’ She swept her eyes around the room. ‘You have a nice house, Peg.’

‘Thank you. I like it.’

‘Is Bill here?’ she asked, referring to Peg’s husband.

‘Bill left a long time ago,’ Peg replied tightly. ‘ We divorced.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. I remember your little boys, Declan and Dermot. They must be grown men now.’

‘Oh, they are, and I’m a grandmother. You never met Ronan. He’s my youngest, though he’s a man now, too,’ said Peg softly. There followed an awkward silence. They
drank their tea. Mr Badger sighed heavily on his beanbag and closed his eyes. ‘Does it look the same?’ Peg asked.

‘You mean Ballymaldoon? Yes, it looks the same.’

‘Did you miss it, Maddie?’

Madeline took a sip of tea. Her lips quivered briefly. ‘In the beginning, but I got used to being away.’

‘You sound very English.’

‘I suppose I do now.’

‘You do. There’s no trace of Ireland on you at all.’

Madeline’s jaw stiffened and she grabbed hold of Peg with her steely gaze. ‘I made a choice, Peg, and I had to live with it. That meant I had to give up my past and start again. I
had no option but to erase Ireland from my life altogether.’

She looked at her daughter and her face softened. ‘I couldn’t tell Anthony that you weren’t his. He wouldn’t have married me and I couldn’t afford
not
to
marry him. He was my way out. My
only
way out.’

‘Did you love him?’ Ellen asked anxiously, hoping that, for her father’s sake, she did.

‘Not like I loved Dylan. But he was mad for me and he was my means of escape.’

‘Why didn’t you run off with Dylan? He’d have married you in a heartbeat.’

‘And what would we have lived off? He had no money. I had no money. My mother would have disowned me. She was fervently religious and dogmatic. We’d have been destitute. That’s
not what I wanted for me and my child. Here was Anthony, a man of means, who could give me a secure future far away from Ballymaldoon. He knew I was pregnant and begged me to marry him. I’d
have been crazy not to have taken him.’

‘And what about Dylan?’ Ellen asked. ‘Where did that leave him? I was
his
child.’

Madeline laughed cynically. ‘He was in no position to be a responsible father.’

‘But you wrote to him and asked him to come and get you,’ said Ellen.

Madeline was again taken aback by the amount that Ellen knew. She narrowed her eyes and lifted her chin. ‘Yes, I had a brief moment of regret, but it passed.’ She fiddled with the
handle of her mug.

‘Dylan went to get you.’

‘No, he didn’t. He’s lying,’ her mother retorted quickly. Her voice was hard with resentment.

‘He’s not lying. He went to get you after you sent him the letter telling him that he was a father. But when he saw where you lived and that you were happy, he knew he couldn’t
give you a life like that. He didn’t want to break up your family, even though I belonged to him.’

‘He told you that?’ Madeline asked quietly.

‘Yes, he did.’

‘He came after all?’

‘He did, Mum. He suffered for years, and you just tossed him aside.’

Madeline seemed to dismiss the information her daughter had just given her. ‘What would you rather I’d done?’ she snapped. ‘Left your father and run off with Dylan? I
gave you a good life, Ellen. You don’t know how much it cost me, emotionally, to do that.’

‘Why didn’t you ever come back?’ Peg at last found the courage to ask. ‘You broke Mam’s heart when you left.’

‘Because you told her
why
I left!’ Madeline retorted.

‘How do you know I told her?’ Peg flushed guiltily.

‘I asked you to keep my secret but you went and told her.’ Madeline sighed. ‘I don’t blame you. It wasn’t fair of me to expect you to keep such a big secret,
especially from our mother.’

‘I had to tell her,’ Peg explained. ‘She was going crazy with grief. She died without ever having the opportunity to forgive you.’

Madeline’s face grew taut with indignation. ‘She didn’t
want
to forgive me, Peg. Don’t you think I tried to come home?’

‘You did?’ Peg frowned, bewildered.

‘Of course I did. I wanted desperately to come home, but Mam wouldn’t have me.’

‘But you were married then. A respectable wife and mother. Why didn’t she want you to come home?’

‘Because I told her the truth.’

‘You told her that Ellen was Dylan’s?’ Madeline nodded. Peg’s eyes widened. ‘She
knew
that Ellen was Dylan’s?’

‘And she told me never to set foot in Ballymaldoon again. She disowned me, Peg.’ Madeline’s eyes glistened with tears and her lips wobbled as she fought to control her
emotions. ‘I wanted to come home, but I couldn’t. She wouldn’t allow it.’

Peg’s face sagged with sorrow. ‘Oh, Maddie. I never knew. Here we all were, blaming you for staying away, without ever knowing that it wasn’t your fault. Shame on us
all!’

‘How could you have known?’

‘We should have known
you
. I’m sorry. Maddie, I’m so very sorry.’

For the first time since she had arrived, Madeline smiled. ‘Thank you, Peg. You don’t know how much that means to me.’

When Ellen heard the rumble of a car outside the window, her heart gave a leap. She hoped it might be Conor coming back to apologize. Mr Badger woke up and hurried to the door. Bertie grunted
and trotted after him. Peg glanced anxiously at Madeline, who looked back at her, barely daring to breathe. They both expected their brothers.

None of them expected Dylan.

My world has grown increasingly dark now. I dwell in a constant murkiness, although I know the skies are blue and the air is clear. I am heavy, too, as if I am made of cold
mist, like the winter fogs that linger in the valleys and cannot lift. The pleasure I took in nature has been replaced by the perverse pleasure I derive from my unholy mission. I no longer notice
the latticed burr oaks on the drive, the mirrored surface of the lake and the pretty yellow heather that grows on the hills, for I am aware only of my purpose and how pleasingly it is
unfolding.