Secrets On Lake Drive (28 page)

“Yeah, I would.”

“And why is that?”

“Don’t play with me, Monica! Why do you
think that is? Huh? Why do you think I would have a problem with
another man coming up out of your house?”

“Hmm…let’s see…because you’re a control
freak?”

Sean quieted for a moment. I knew I pissed
him off. That was my intention.

“No. Try again.”

“Because you’re selfish and you think you
own me?”

“No. I would have a problem with that
because I love you, and even after all the drama, I’m still in love
with you.”

I laughed out loud again to keep myself from
crying. Sean had me feeling mixed emotions. He actually sounded
like he was being heartfelt and honest. There was only one way to
find out.

“You love me? You threw me out of your house
and now you want to claim that you love me?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you even apologizing to me? It’s
been two months. Oh, let me guess…my father died and you feel sorry
for me, right?”

“No, I just…”

I cut him off. “Well, you know what, Sean? I
don’t need you. I don’t need anything from you.” I carefully
enunciated my words so that he knew I meant business. “Let me tell
you something about me. I’m not like these uppity, snobbish,
will-do-anything-for-a-dollar type of women that chase you all over
Milwaukee like you just won American Idol.” I was heated. I could
feel my blood pressure starting to rise.

He said, “That’s not what I want from you,
so I’m glad you’re not one of them. And yeah, I felt guilty for the
way I treated you, but don’t act like you had nothing to do with
that, Monica. You’re not innocent in all of this.”

“As far as I know, I didn’t have anything to
do with this.”

“You had everything to do with this!  I
told you that whenever you left my house to just let me know where
you were. That’s all I asked and you couldn’t even do that?”

“So that’s why I got the boot, huh?” I know
this wasn’t the time for me to be sarcastic, but that’s something I
usually did when I was in an argument.

“Oh, you trying to be funny now? Well, I’ll
tell you why you got the boot…I was tired of you playing games with
me.”

“What games? I don’t play games with
anyone.”

“So you weren’t pretending like you didn’t
care about me, like you weren’t feelin’ me?”

“As I recall, you were the one who wanted to
play the
pretend
game. You wanted me to pretend to be your
wife and say that I love you even if I didn’t meant it. That was
your
bright idea, Mr. CEO!”

 “Well, that’s over and done with.
Ah’ight? We need to move forward. We need to get past this.”

We need to get past this?
Sean said
it like it was no big deal, like I could just let it roll off of my
back and keep on stepping. But it wasn’t that easy. He hurt me. It
was going to take more than a telephone conversation to fix this,
if it could ever be fixed at all.

“You can’t be serious? You think you can
just call me and then all of a sudden, everything is back to
normal?” Tears streamed from my eyes, and I knew I was in trouble
now. “I didn’t have to pretend to love you. I did love you. I just
didn’t want to admit it. Why do you think it was so hard for me to
make the decision as to whether or not I should stay or go?”

“Well, maybe instead of running away to
think about this stuff, we should’ve communicated with each
other.”

“Well, maybe we could have if you were a
little more patient with me and try to understand my feelings
instead of always just thinking about yourself. And now after two
months you want to apologize? You think everything can just go back
to the way it was?”

“I miss you.” Sean dodged my question
again.

“Then why is it that you never called me? I
betcha it probably took the death of my father for you to even
think about me.”

I was coming down hard on him, but I had to
see if he really meant what he said or if he was just blowing smoke
through my receiver.

“That’s not true. I have thought about you
every day since you’ve been gone. Every. Single. Day. I didn’t call
because I didn’t think you would want to hear from me.”

“And you think I want to hear from you now,
on the day of my father’s funeral?”

“If you didn’t, you would not have answered
the phone, now would you?”

He made his point. I did miss him. I missed
his family. I missed making breakfast for Roman in the mornings
while he watched cartoons. I missed the early morning and early
afternoon phone calls from Sean on the few days he did go into
work. But I wasn’t willing to hide my pain in order to get back in
good with the family.

He continued. “My family misses you. We need
you.”

I guess that old saying is true. You never
know what you got until it’s gone. Sean was just starting to
realize that. But it doesn’t take an entire two months to let a
person know that you miss them.

“If you miss me and your family misses me,
then why is it that I haven’t heard from you in two months? You
could have at least allowed Roman to call me, or better yet, just
brought him over here to visit me.” Though he answered it
already, I was hung on that question.

“I told you why…because I didn’t think you
wanted to hear from me. But when I saw you at the party, I knew
there was still hope for us. And when I heard your father died, I
thought maybe you could use my support because I know what you’re
going through.”

“Why don’t you let me worry about my father?
He’s none of your concern.”

“None of my concern, huh?” I could sense
that Sean was grinning like I had just told a joke.

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Why should you
give a crap about my father? You don’t even care about me, and you
know
me. How can you care about somebody that you don’t
know?” I sniffed and stepped in the bathroom to get some tissue.
I can’t believe this man got me crying like this.

“I do care ‘bout you. You know that.”

“The only person Sean Beauvais cares about
is Sean Beauvais.”

“What reason do I have to lie? If I really
didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t tell you I do. It’s just that
simple. If I was not concerned, why did I call you? Why did I come
to your father’s funeral if I didn’t care?”

“If you were concerned about me and my well
being, you would not have kicked me out of your house.”

“I told you to get out, but I didn’t mean
for you to get your stuff and get out right then and there.”

“Why are you lying? You did want me out right then
and there, so I left. I’m not stupid, Sean. I know when I’m not
wanted and you didn’t want me. You wanted me gone and you didn’t
care how I, Roman, or anyone else felt!”

“Don’t tell me what I feel!  Why am I on this
phone, sitting in front of your house, if I don’t care about
you?  Huh?”

Sitting in front of my house?
I had turned
Sean into a stalker.

He went on to say, “Listen, Monica, I’m sorry. I
don’t know what else to say to you. The only thing I can do is move
forward. I’m sorry I hurt you, but being without you for those two
months made me realize just how much I need you. I love you,
Monica. But if you don’t want me, if you don’t need me, and you
want me to go away for good, then don’t open the door and I’ll
leave.” At that moment, I heard my doorbell ring.

Sean had laid out his case to me about his reasons
for telling me to leave, but I didn’t want to accept his answer,
though I knew his response was sincere and from the heart. Sean
loved me. I knew it right before he told me to leave his house that
he was in love with me. And in all honesty, I was glad he came to
my apartment to see how I was coping with the death of my father.
However, I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I had so much hatred in my
heart for him that I couldn’t even figure out why I allowed myself
to even hold a conversation with him. I stood at the front door,
staring at the doorknob, trying to decide whether or not I wanted
to open the door. With the phone pressed tightly against my left
ear, I could hear Sean breathing hard.

I flipped my phone closed, ending the call. Then I
walked into my room, fell on the bed, and cried. I couldn’t open
that door no matter how much I wanted to. I just couldn’t. And if
this was it, and I never see Sean again, then that would just be
something I have to live with. All I know is I can’t let a man
disrespect me and then come crawling back into my life like nothing
ever happened. I was too smart for that.

Chapter 27 -
Together
Again

When Keisha and I went to dinner the next day, I
told her what went down between me and Sean. I was so upset I could
hardly eat. Today was one of those days where I felt like staying
in the bed all day, only getting up for trips to the bathroom and
refrigerator. But nooo. Keisha just had to drag me with her to
Burrito Bueno. Normally, I had no problem going there since it was
my favorite Mexican restaurant in Milwaukee, but today, I didn’t
even touch my steak burrito. I ate a little bit of rice, but it
wasn’t enough to satisfy my hunger.

“Are you going to eat any more of that?”

“I told you I didn’t feel like eating, Keisha.”

“Well, you have to eat, girl.” She watched me stir
the rice with my fork. “Why do you let him get under your
skin?”

“Because I…well, I did care about him.”

“So you don’t care about him anymore? Is that what
you’re saying?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“So you do care about him?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why didn’t you open the door last night when
he was there.”

“Because I was hurt.” I broke down and cried. “I
love him, Keisha. And the one opportunity I had to get with him, I
blew it.”

“Aww, sweetie, just call him.”

“I can’t call him.”

“Then what are you going to do? Just be miserable
without him? Look, Monica, you made that mistake with
Cornelius.”

“No, I didn’t. Cornelius left me.”

“Yeah, and you could’ve gotten him back if you
talked to him.”

“How could I talk to him when he vanished? I haven’t
seen him since the day he walked out.”

“Okay, so don’t make this a repeat. You knew
Cornelius was in love with you, but yet, you didn’t fight to keep
him. All I’m saying is don’t let that same thing happen again.”

“You’re right. I can’t argue with that.” I wiped my
face with a napkin, took a few more bites of rice, and got a to-go
box to take the rest of my food home.

We left the restaurant around nine, and when Keisha
turned down my street, I saw Sean’s black Cadillac truck parked out
front of my apartment. Apparently, it wasn’t quite over last night
like he had told me. It wasn’t until Keisha parked behind Sean’s
truck that I saw him sitting on the front steps of my
apartment.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Keisha asked
me.

“No. Go ahead. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later.”

I walked up the sidewalk closer to Sean. It was dark
outside, but the streetlight gave me a clear view of his face. The
weather was crappy as usual in the winter. There was a good foot of
snow on the ground and the temperature low was somewhere around ten
degrees.

“What are you doing here?” I asked as calmly as I
could. It was so cold outside, I could see my breath.

“I want to see your face when you tell me that you
don’t want me.” He stood up.

“Sean, please don’t make this any harder than it
already is.”

“I’m not trying to. I just want to know how you
really feel about me.”

“I spoke my peace to you yesterday.”

“Yeah…on the phone. Now talk to me while I’m
standing here face-to-face with you. Tell me there’s nothing
between us.” Sean looked at me with deep anticipation. He knew I
had deep feelings for him, and he wanted to know just what they
were.

“Sean, I love you.” I could tell by his reaction
that he wasn’t expecting to hear that from me. However, it was time
for me to be honest with him and confront my feelings at the same
time.

“You do?”

“Yes, I do.” I was proud of myself for keeping my
composure. I didn’t cry at all, probably because I cried earlier in
the restaurant.

“Then why do you want to turn your back on me?”

“Because you hurt me, Sean, and I just don’t know if
a simple
I’m sorry
will change the way I feel right now.
That’s why I didn’t come to the door last night. I didn’t even want
to talk to you, and right now…I…ah.” I squeezed my eyes tight to
keep the tears in. “Right now, I don’t want to…”

“I’ve been sitting out here in this cold weather for
about two hours waiting for you to get home. I don’t know how to
show you that I’m sincere in my apology other than by saying it and
showing it.” Sean placed both of his cold, gloved hands on my face.
“I’m sorry, Monica. I don’t want to lose you.”

I moved his hands away and then put my arms around
him. Tears rolled out of my eyes and down my cheek. The bottom line
was, I loved him but he hurt me, and I wasn’t so quick to just
overlook something like that. On the other hand, I would not have
been so emotional if I didn’t give two cents about him. I had to
face the facts. I was in love with Sean, he was in love with me,
and there was no way either of us could ignore that. The hurt would
eventually be overtaken by the love we had for each other.

“It’s cold out here. Do you want to come
in?”

“Only if you want me to.”

I took Sean by the hand. “Yes, I want you
to.”

We walked inside. As soon as he came up out
of his jacket and gloves, Sean leaned over to kiss me, and I kissed
those soft, wet, cold lips like it was the first time I had ever
felt them. Sean was right. He did have me. He could do anything he
wanted to me and get away with it. That’s how deeply I had fallen
in love with him.