Secrets She Left Behind (40 page)

Keith

I
DROVE STRAIGHT TO MY PT APPOINTMENT AFTER THAT RUN-IN
with Andy, and I swear, I didn’t even notice the pain when Gunnar put me through his usual torture. My mind was a thousand miles away in some really pissed-off place. What the hell was going on? My mother. Jen. I just wanted one damn thing in my life to feel normal and predictable. My mother had kept some honkin’ big secrets from me. And the other woman I thought I could trust—Jen—well, most likely Andy was being his usual off-the-wall self, but he’d planted that annoying seed of doubt in my mind and I didn’t know what to do with it. I wouldn’t have believed him, wouldn’t have paid any attention to what he said—except for that white-hair bit. I still remembered seeing the skinny stripe of light hair that morning in my bed. Was she playin’ me? I couldn’t figure it out. All I knew was that I was pissed off while Gunnar whipped my arm around, and I was still pissed off by the time I drove to her house that night.

I skipped the extra Percocet after PT, even though my arm and shoulder were killing me. I wanted to be sharp when I talked to her. Stay focused. Not get sucked in by how sexy she was.

When I got into the house, though, she literally jumped my bones. Didn’t even say hi. She did one of those monkey leaps,
locking her legs around me, kissing me. Like something out of the movies. Holding her up was wrecking my shoulder, but right then I didn’t care. All the questions I had for her flew out the window. Screw it. I was going to get one last good fuck out of her if nothing else. We raced up the stairs to her bedroom and I don’t know if she threw herself onto the bed or I threw her. All I knew was that my anger was coming through and the sex was kind of rougher than it should have been. She didn’t seem to mind. She actually laughed. “You need this
bad,
baby, don’t you?” she said when I was giving it to her. I tuned her out. Her question. Her voice. Time for questions later.

When we were done, she curled up next to me the way she liked to do, her head on my chest. I didn’t put my arms around her, though, and not just because my shoulder hurt like a bitch. I didn’t feel like touching her now.

“Who are you really?” I asked, once my breathing had settled down.

Thirty seconds must’ve gone by before she finally spoke. “I’m Jennifer Ann Parker. Who are you?”

“What’s your real hair color?”

She sucked in her breath. “You know, you just don’t ask a woman a question like that,” she said. She leaned up on her elbow to look at me. “What’s going on?” she asked. “We just had a great time, didn’t we? So why are you being so weird all of a sudden?”

I decided to level with her. “I saw Andy Lockwood today. He said he saw you before. A long time ago or…I don’t know when exactly, but he said you had white hair. He recognized you by this.” I touched the heart shape on her jaw.

She laughed, flopping back down on her pillow. “You told me Andy’s not all there,” she said. “There’s your proof.”

“I saw…one time I saw your roots. I thought they were gray, but maybe they were really—”

She smacked my chest with her palm, hard enough that it stung. “You’re going to believe that kid over me?” she said. “What have I done to you except love you, huh? I thought you’d treat me better than the other guys. I thought you’d get what it’s like to be hurt.”

She suddenly got out of bed, turned on the light on the nightstand and pointed to her dark pubic hair. “Does this look like white hair to you?” she asked. “Son of a bitch.” She grabbed her pile of clothes from the chair in the corner and ran out of the room.

Crap.
I put my arm over my eyes, wincing from the pain in my shoulder. Damn it all. I’d found something good and now I was screwing it up. Story of my life.

Still, something didn’t feel right. I knew Andy could be off the wall, but he also didn’t just make stuff up. He wasn’t all that creative. How many chicks had a heart-shaped birthmark on their jawline? I got out of the bed, aching all over, and I couldn’t help feeling spooked while I got dressed. I remembered the gun in Jen’s car, and I pictured one of those movies where this unsuspecting guy walks down the stairs and the girl’s standing there with a gun ready to blow his head off.

When I got downstairs, I saw Jen outside in the moonlight, sitting on the top step of the deck with a blanket around her shoulders. I opened the sliding glass door and walked onto the deck. If she had her gun, I was done for. I almost didn’t care. I sat down next to her. She was shaking hard and her eyes glistened. I put my arm around her and pulled her close to me.

“Sorry,” I said. “It’s just that when Andy started talking, I realized I don’t really know much about you. Just that you’re from Asheville and you’re amazing in bed.”

She laughed a little, brushing a hand across her eyes. I kissed her shoulder through the blanket. Smelled the oranges in her hair.

“You’re right.” She sighed. “I don’t think Andy ever saw me before that time at your uncle’s house,” she said, “but I haven’t been totally straight with you about me. I just don’t like talking about myself. My life has kind of sucked.”

I moved the blanket off her shoulder and kissed her skin. “Tell me,” I said.

She let out a long breath. “I don’t get along with my parents at all,” she said. “They divorced when I was little and they just…My father was Mr. Tough Guy. I was this major disappointment to him. He wanted me to hunt and fish and I wanted to paint and do my nails.” She raised a bare foot out in front of her, and the moonlight landed on her dark toenails. “And my mother was—is—mentally ill. A real fruitcake, so it was like my brother and I raised ourselves.”

She had a brother? Man, I really knew nothing about her.

“And here’s the thing, Keith. Don’t be mad. I’m afraid you’ll hear this the wrong way and be mad.”

“What?”

“I love my brother a lot. He was in his chemistry class last year when some kids played around with a bunch of chemicals and started this explosion. My brother got badly burned, so I understand about living with the…the scars and everything. And when I saw you in the grocery store, I wanted to…I just wanted to make you feel good.”

I stood up, so pissed off all of a sudden, I couldn’t stand it.

“So what’s this been, Jen?” I shouted. “A series of mercy fucks?”

Her eyes were huge and shiny. “Not at all!” she said. “No, no, no! At first, I just wanted to help you. I understood what you were going through. But once we got together and I got to know you…I
really
care
about you, Keith.” She reached for my hand and pulled me back onto the step again. “I’m in love with you. That’s the honest-to-God truth.” She put part of the blanket over my shoulders so our arms were touching. She was shivering and I took her hand. Held it between mine. I felt kind of humiliated, but it made sense that there’d been some good reason for her to come on to me in the store the way she did. Maybe it wasn’t such a terrible reason. I reminded her of her brother. Someone she cared about.

“I wish you’d told me the truth right from the start,” I said. “I don’t get why you didn’t.”

“I was afraid you’d think exactly what you just thought. That I wanted to be with you out of pity.”

I turned her head toward me and kissed her lips. “We have a lot of shit in common,” I said.

“Right,” she agreed. “And now you get why I hate Maggie Lockwood, too,” she said. “I hate anybody who plays with fire.”

Sara
Life Sentence
October 2007

“I
T COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE,” GUNNAR STEPHENSEN
said the first time he worked with Keith at the physical-therapy clinic in Jacksonville.

If I heard those words one more time, I was going to hit whoever said them.

I watched Keith squeeze his eyes shut in pain as Gunnar stretched his left arm straight. He didn’t make a sound, although the tears that forced their way between his eyelids and down his cheeks said it all. I felt his pain—a searing, ripping agony—in my own arm.
It could have been so much worse.
Yes, it was true that Keith was alive when others had died. And it was true that he would “recover,” if you didn’t count the physical and emotional scars, but that didn’t make his current suffering any easier to bear.

He’d spent three months in the burn unit in Chapel Hill, then another two months in a rehab facility. Finally, I had him home with me, but he’d be spending plenty of time in the physical-therapy clinic.

“Now, once I’ve finished assessing him,” Gunnar said, “I’ll show you how to help him with these exercises at home. But you’ll be bringing him here every day for a couple of months.”

I nodded. I’d been warned to expect that. I would take him wherever he needed to go for as long as was necessary.

“It’s absolutely critical that you don’t skip a day at this point,” Gunnar said. “He misses a day, he loses a week of progress.”

Keith opened his eyes. “I can’t take this every damn day,” he said.

“Hurts like a bitch, doesn’t it,” Gunnar said.

“How would you know?” Keith practically barked at the poor man.

“Keith,”
I scolded him, though I was thinking the same thing. Keith was a very angry boy, and I wasn’t sure if he’d been that way all along or if his anger had been magnified by the fire. It had certainly magnified
my
anger. I was filled with a hatred and fury I’d never known before. That was one reason I started taking the memoir class with Dawn, because she said it would help to write my feelings down. It helped her deal with her anger toward Ben, she’d said. It wasn’t working for me, though, in spite of the fact that I wrote like a madwoman. I wrote nearly every spare minute of the day. Sometimes, I’d feel a smidgen of peace start to work its way into my heart, but then I’d catch a glimpse of my bandaged, scarred and aching son and that peace would vanish.

“After a couple months,” Gunnar continued, “we can cut it back to a few days a week, as long as he’s doing the exercises faithfully at home. Of course, you need to keep up with the compression bandages and scar massage.” He looked at me. “I can tell you’ve been doing a great job with that. Not much in the way of adhesions in this arm at all. Work on his hand, though. Especially right here.” He rubbed the skin between Keith’s index finger and thumb.

“Shit!” Keith shouted. “Not so hard.”

“Sorry, Keith,” Gunnar said. “It’s gotta be hard to do the job.”

“How often should he be doing the stretches?” I asked.

“As often as possible,” Gunnar said. “You can’t do them too much.”

On our way back from Jacksonville, I pulled into the parking lot of the Food Lion.

“Why are we stopping here?” Keith asked. He was slumped in the front seat, the unbandaged part of his forehead furrowed with pain from the PT session.

“I need to pick up a few things,” I said as I unbuckled my seat belt. “Do you want to come in with me?”

“No way,” Keith said. He wasn’t ready to be seen with those compression bandages on his arms and face.

“Okay. I’ll be back in a jiff.”

Inside the store, I grabbed a cart and starting filling it with things I knew Keith loved. His favorite cereal. Tangerines. Oreos. I was reaching for a carton of Ben & Jerry’s when I heard a voice behind me.

“Sara.”

I closed my eyes. I could have kept on walking. Just ignored her. I never thought it would be possible to live on Topsail Island and be able to avoid someone, but I’d managed to avoid Laurel since Maggie went to prison, and that had been for the best. Maybe Laurel’d been trying to avoid me as well, so that between the two of us, we’d never been at the same place at the same time. It was bound to happen at some point, but why did it have to be a day when I had Keith in the car and just wanted to get home and take care of him?

I sighed, turning around. “Laurel,” I said.

She looked as wrung out as I felt.

“I…I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up the phone to call you,” she said.

I was glad she hadn’t called. I wouldn’t have been ready to speak to her. I wasn’t sure I could speak to her even now.

“How’s Keith?” she asked. “Marcus told me he can come home soon.”

I knew Laurel and Marcus were finally together, and I felt no joy at all for them. Once again, she had everything she wanted. “He came home yesterday,” I said.

“Oh, I’m so glad!”

“He has a long road ahead of him,” I said sharply. “PT every day. Compression bandages. Scars you’d never want to see on a child you gave birth to.”

“Oh, Sara. God. I’m so sorry.” She reached out to touch my arm, then seemed to think better of it. A wise decision. “Will you let me help?” she asked. “Any way I can. Financially. Or taking him to appointments or running errands for you. Anything.”

“I don’t want your help,” I said. “Your daughter gets out of
her
prison in eleven months.” One lousy year! That’s all she got. “My son’s in
his
prison for the rest of his life.”

“They are…they’re half siblings,” Laurel said.

I felt like smacking her. “They have the same father,” I said. “That’s all they’ve ever had in common.”

“They’re young, though, Sara. Maybe someday…in spite of everything…maybe their relationship will be important to them.”

“I doubt Keith will ever want to be related to her, frankly. Even if he wasn’t one of her victims, she burned down a church full of kids!”

“I know. And she’s paying for it.”

“Oh, good Lord, Laurel!” I said. “A year in prison with all of her
skin intact and her life ahead of her.”
Little Miss Perfect.
I couldn’t believe Maggie was the same girl I’d taken care of when she was a child. I’d even felt sorry for her when Laurel lavished ninety percent of her time and attention on Andy. The truth was, everything had been handed to Maggie on a silver platter. Even her prison sentence.

“She made a terrible mistake,” Laurel said.

“I can’t talk to you.” I pushed my cart past her, pushed it all the way down the aisle to the rear of the store, where I hurried inside the restroom. I locked the door and leaned against it, biting back tears.

I’d been at Maggie’s sentencing, along with family members of the other victims and people from Drury Memorial. I watched Maggie’s shrewd, callous lawyer twist the facts to get some of the charges dismissed and others reduced, so that Maggie would spend only one tiny fraction of her life behind bars. Some people yelled in outrage. Many cried. I just gritted my teeth. I was used to Laurel winning while I lost. I’d had years of practice at it that the other families didn’t have. I would still be working at Jabeen’s when I was eighty, while Laurel would be taking trips around the world with her scar-free kids and grandkids.

Two weeks after that run-in with Laurel, I woke up with the flu from hell. Groggy and feverish, I turned off my alarm clock and fell back to sleep and only woke up again when Keith knocked on my bedroom door.

“Mom?” he said. “It’s almost time to leave. Are you up or what?”

I tried to roll over to check my clock, but the aching in my back and head took my breath away.

“What time is it?” I managed to whisper.

“What?” He opened the door a crack, then all the way. “Whoa. You sick?”

I shut my eyes. “Don’t come in here,” I said, although with all the massaging I’d done of his scars and all the hands-on stretching of his arms, I knew he was already well exposed to whatever I had. That’s all he needed.

He stood in the doorway. “I’ll skip PT today,” he said. “No big thing.”

“Uh-uh,” I said. “I’m getting up. You know what Gunnar said about skipping.”

“Gunnar’s full of it.”

“Go on and get ready. I’ll be out in a minute.”

My body ached as I got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. I took my temperature as I sat on the toilet. One hundred and two. I managed to swallow two aspirin before the room started spinning. I headed back to bed, moving the waste can next to the nightstand in case I got sick. I couldn’t possibly drive Keith anywhere.

I reached for the phone and dialed Dawn’s number, but got her voice mail. I stared at the phone a long, long time before I punched in the number I hadn’t called in months.

“Hello?” Laurel answered right away, and I wondered if my number had come up on her caller ID.

I shut my eyes and pressed my aching head into the pillow. “Hi, Laurel,” I said. “Did you mean what you said about helping me any way you could?”