Security (26 page)

She stopped to take in air and regroup.

“What I’m trying to say is that everybody counts, and just because Nathan didn’t get column inches, it doesn’t mean that his death wasn’t important. It was important. It was very important to me because I loved him, and I miss him.”

She broke down. She couldn’t hold it in any more, and the award presenter put an arm around her, attempting to lead her away from the limelight and off the stage.

“No, wait…wait a second. I just want to say thank you so much for this award, from the bottom of my heart, I thank everyone who supports me, who downloads my music, who goes to my concerts. You’re all so special.”

Another round of applause and cheers rang out, and Autumn tried with all her might to stop the tears from tracking through her make-up.

“And finally, I just wanted to say that all the royalties from my latest album will be donated to charity. Fifty percent will go to the Blu-Daddy Music Foundation that Blu’s wife has set up in his honor, and fifty percent will go to Help For Heroes. That’s a British charity to help injured servicemen and women. Thank you,” Autumn finished.

At that announcement, the entire audience was up on their feet cheering the singer as she made her way down from the stage in haste. She hadn’t decided to give her money away for a publicity stunt. She had done it because it was right. Blu had always wanted to create something where under-privileged children had the chance to learn an instrument or get behind a mixing desk. She’d been told he had life insurance that was going to set his wife and children up for life, and it was also enough to start up his foundation. If he was looking down, he’d be smiling that gold-toothed grin.

She didn’t go back to the table. She ran for the outside. She needed that air to hit her, to feel it run over her skin. Once out of the auditorium, she made for the back of the arena, and, before two security men with bulging biceps could stop her, she burst through the set of double doors they were guarding and into the night.

She was out on the street, standing opposite a Taco Bell and a bar called Hank’s. It was raining, but she smiled as she lifted her arms out and embraced the wet weather. She let the rain hit her face, drench her clothes, and soak her to the skin. It felt so good. It felt like she was being baptized, starting something new.

She was the Best International Female artist, but more importantly, she felt like Claire O’Toole. And right now, Claire O’Toole was who she wanted to be.

Chapter Forty-Five

“
United, next to
—eight letters, ending in E-R.”

Autumn shook her head and took another sip of her fruit juice, placing it back down on the table next to her sun-bed.

“Why you shake your head, child?”

“Tawanda I don’t know why you do crosswords. You’re terrible at them,” Autumn told her.

“Eight letters is a hard answer.”

“It is not. The longer they are, the easier they are.”

“You know it?” Tawanda asked.

Autumn laughed. “Yes, I know it, and I’m not telling you.”

It was almost a month since she had won the IMA award, and despite wanting to take some time off, she had ended up on every talk and entertainment show on every network in the US, and almost as many in the UK on her return. She had sung and talked herself hoarse, and even had to take part in riding a horse on one particularly cute show. Still, the riding had been better than the one where she’d had to crochet. Tawanda hadn’t let her forget that and kept asking if she was going to make her a shawl.

But finally, she had a holiday. Along with Tawanda and Tyler, she was in the Seychelles, on Mahé, sampling all the delights the Four Seasons Hotel had to offer.

Despite heavy questioning of Tawanda, the woman still refused to tell her where Tyler had come from. However, he was excellent at what he did. He’d been with her during her television show tours, ensuring her privacy, dealing with meet and greet, and pulling out of situations when crowd control got out of hand. She trusted him, and it made her feel safe having him around.

She turned her head to look for him. He was to their left, on a sun-bed not too far away, close enough to see them, far enough away to give them space. He never joined them for meals. He sat a few tables away, making sure everything passed off smoothly, and he wasn’t a great one for conversation. She had spent many an hour in the backseat of a limo with him, and she’d barely
been given more than a few minutes of dialogue. Still, she didn’t need to know his life story, and she certainly didn’t want to divulge hers.

“You are looking at Tyler again, child,” Tawanda remarked, tearing her eyes away from the crossword.

“I wasn’t. I wanted to know where he was, that’s all,” Autumn said as her cheeks reddened.

“If I were younger, I would be looking at him. What am I saying? I look at him anyway. What normal, red-blooded woman wouldn’t look at him?” Tawanda’s laughter boomed out of her chest.

“I’m not interested in looking at him,” Autumn said, folding her arms across her bikini-clad chest.

“No?”

“No.”

“Well, how about that one over there?” Tawanda asked as she nudged her head to the right.

Autumn sat herself up a little, inched her sunglasses down her nose, and peeked over in the direction Tawanda was nodding.

Autumn felt her stomach contract as she observed the man Tawanda had pointed out. He was tall, lithe, and had short, dark hair that spiked down over his forehead. For a second, a glimmer of hope fluttered in her abdomen. Then, as the man turned to face their way, the feeling died.

“He look like Mr. Nathan, no?” Tawanda stated.

Autumn sighed. “A little…but not as handsome.”

“Someone will come, child. Someone who will sweep you off your feet when you’re least expecting it.”

“I’m not sure I want to be swept off my feet.”

“No?”

“No, I mean, all that stuff isn’t real. Men are just men. Some of them are better than others, but none of them ride up on a white horse or paraglide in with a bouquet of roses,” Autumn said, her attention turning to a man about to launch into the air from the back of a speedboat.

“That, I would like to see,” Tawanda remarked. “Most of them this week have been lucky to hang on to their swimming trunks!”

Autumn turned and faced her friend. “I still miss him.”

“I know.”

“It’s been almost two months, and it doesn’t feel better.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to stop thinking about him, stop missing him.”

Her emotions were getting the better of her. She could feel the rise and fall of her chest becoming more and more rapid, and the numbers were falling onto her tongue.

“When Tyler arrived, when he told me that word, I almost thought that…” Tawanda started, her voice trembling.

“Thought what?”

“He used a code word Nathan had used before, a word only a few of us would know the meaning of. For a second, I thought he was still alive,” Tawanda said.

Her words pulled at Autumn’s heart as the thought of Nathan being with her filled her with loss and longing all at the same time.

“But then I realized that Nathan, being Nathan, had thought of everything. He’d always had Tyler lined up for you, if he didn’t make it. He was always so organized like that, always thinking ahead, knowing what needed to be done and doing it. He wouldn’t want you to be mourning him forever, Autumn. He would want you to live your life and make the most of everything.” Tawanda reached for her hand. “He would be so proud of what you did with the donation to Help
For Heroes, and for the work you’re going to do with Blu-Daddy’s foundation.”

“I know, but it isn’t enough. I wish he was here. We had no time together, and the time we had together was extreme, to say the least, and…” Autumn started.

“There’s a fishing trip this afternoon? Wanna go?”

Neither of them had noticed Tyler approach. He now stood in front of Autumn’s sun-bed wearing nothing but shorts and shades.

“Mr. James, I was actually in the middle of a conversation. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to speak to you about sneaking up on me,” Autumn said, pulling off her sunglasses and wiping at her tear-filled eyes.

“I apologize, Miss Raine, but Leo, the guide over there, would like to know numbers and…” Tyler started.

“Why would I want to go on a fishing trip? In case you aren’t already aware, I hate fish,” Autumn stated.

“Mr. Nathan, he liked to fish,” Tawanda remarked.

“I am well aware of that.” Autumn leaped up from her sun-bed and searched for her purse.

“Come on, a holiday isn’t a holiday unless you live a little,” Tyler suggested.

“I’m living just fine thank you, here by the bar, on the sun-bed, doing crossword puzzles with my friend. Besides,” Autumn spat, “it isn’t like you and I would have a real conversation on the boat, is it? You don’t do conversation.”

“I could take the photographs,” Tyler suggested. “A few snaps of you with a swordfish for your website?”

Autumn slipped her purse over her shoulder. “No,” she said.

“Tyler,
united, next to
- eight letters, ending in E-R,” Tawanda questioned.

“Oh, for God’s sake, Tawanda,” Autumn yelled, “It’s ‘together’.
United, next to
, ‘together’!” She threw her hands up and stalked away from them both.

Tears pricked her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She smiled at the bellboy, raised a hand at the barman, but when she closed the door to her luxury suite, she gave in.

She let out an anguished sob and threw herself onto the four-poster bed, burying her head in the sumptuous pillows. It wasn’t just losing Nathan that was hitting her hard. It was her father, too. She had no idea where he was, would probably never know. It was almost better believing he was dead, because thinking he was gone had given her a definite end. Even though she knew the likelihood of seeing him again was slim, there would always be that speck of hope, no matter what the realistic side of her told herself.

So, here she was, alone in a luxury suite in a five-star hotel in the Seychelles, not knowing what she was going to do from here. She knew she should confide in Tawanda, but she just didn’t know how.

There was a knock at the door. She sat up and drew a pillow to her stomach. It had been doing constant revolutions since breakfast, and it wasn’t time for lunch yet.

She cleared her throat. “Who is it?” she called.

“It’s Tyler.”

She gritted her teeth and closed her eyes. She was convinced Tawanda was trying to set them up. Her friend’s earlier comments about his physique hadn’t fallen on deaf ears, but she wasn’t interested. He may look good, but looks weren’t everything. In fact, they were of precious little importance.

“Come in,” she called.

No doubt he was going to give her a dressing down about storming off the beach without telling him where she was going.

He opened the door and entered the suite. He still wore the shorts and shades, but now with a pair of Havaianas on his feet.

Autumn pulled the pillow closer and met his gaze.

“You should come fishing,” Tyler stated, his hands on his hips.

“I don’t want to come fishing. I have no interest in fishing. What is the necessity for me to come fishing?” Autumn wanted to know.

“I don’t know. I thought maybe, as Nathan always wanted to fish here, you’d like to do it for him,” Tyler said.

She knew he was watching for her reaction
, and she gave it to him. Her lips tightened, her eyes began to weep, and she hugged the pillow with everything she had.

“How do you know that?” she hissed.

“We were friends, Miss Raine, from a few years back. The fishing here is world famous. We talked about doing it one day. Obviously, we never did.”

“You’re so young, how can you…”

“Nathan trained me…he was the best.”

Autumn nodded and blinked back her tears.

“I don’t have conversation, because in my line of work, you get used to only speaking when it’s really necessary. I apologize for that. I can try harder, if that’s what you’d like.”

“What I’d like is for this to feel like a normal holiday, not some sort of vacation from death and grief,” she said, spluttering out the words.

“Then we should fish. Plus, if we don’t, I’m going to lose a bet,” he stated.

“What?”

“I kind of bet Leo that you and I would bring home the heaviest catch.”

“Are you crazy? You bet a fishing tour guide that you and a singer would bring home the heaviest catch?” Autumn put her hand over her mouth.

“I’d had two piña coladas, and you know I rarely drink. It went straight to my head,” Tyler admitted.

“Don’t make me laugh,” Autumn said, a smile turning up the corners of her mouth. “I don’t want to laugh.”

“Come on, come and fish with me. Besides, if you leave me with Tawanda and that crossword puzzle, I’m going to resign,” Tyler told her, smiling in return.

Fishing was exhausting. For what seemed like hours, she had to sit on the boat in the blazing sun, waiting for an elusive bite. When she did get a tug on the line, she leaped up, expecting to have caught Jaws, but usually the fish outwitted her and got away. Minutes of exertion, trying to reel it in, left her in need of a lie down and a cold drink. Three hours
, they’d been out on the boat, and she’d caught nothing. She would have felt worse, but Tyler had also drawn a blank.

“I don’t know what Nathan saw in this. It’s the most boring thing I’ve ever done. Well, apart from that whimsical crochet item I had to take part in on the TV show,” Autumn remarked.

“The fish can feel you’re not into it, you know. You’re not trying hard enough,” Tyler stated, adjusting his rod and moving his chair closer to hers.

“The fish can feel I’m not into it? Don’t be ridiculous! Fish don’t have feelings!”

“Whoa! Don’t be saying that too loud. Greenpeace is everywhere.”

“I’m afraid you’re going to lose your bet,” Autumn stated. She let out a sigh and looked down at the photo of Nathan wedged in her lap.

“We’ve only been here three hours,” Tyler reminded her.

“Only! You make it sound like five minutes.”

“Well, it is, relatively speaking. Whoa! Hold up, I’ve got a bite!” Tyler jumped up from his seat. “Whoa, it’s a big one, look!” he exclaimed.

Tyler’s rod bent with the exertion of holding onto what appeared to be a large catch.

Tyler struggled to maintain his grip. “Autumn, come on, you’re going to have to help me here.”

She got up and watched Tyler’s straining forearms. “Well, what do I do?” she asked.

“Help me hold the rod. I don’t want to lose this one. This could be the biggest one I’ve ever caught.”

Autumn put her hands over his and stood behind him, trying with all her strength to keep him from losing the rod over the side of the boat.

“It isn’t a shark, is it? Because if you’ve caught a shark and haul it onto the deck, I’m not going to be impressed.”

“It could be a shark, couldn’t it? It’s a delicacy apparently. We could probably sell it.”

“You’d better convince me it isn’t a shark, or I’m letting go of this rod,” Autumn replied.

“Leo!” Tyler called to the guide. “Give us a hand here
. We’ve got a big one!”