See Through Me (Lose My Senses) (13 page)

I remembered her now. Brooke. The girl from the beach last summer. She must have just graduated this year. She moved closer and laid a hand on his chest, like she knew him very well already.

Ash looked happy, though. Far happier than I’d seen him for the last three days. I bit the inside of my lip. My mouth was becoming raw and painful from all my nervous chewing. That was what I’d always wanted, for him to be happy, but it didn’t mean I was obligated to stay and watch the whole show, either.

“
Why don’t you go on over to the sidewalk while I load her up,” the driver shouted beside me. “I’m gonna have to block this alley for a few minutes to get her out.”

If he blocked the alley, it would make it hard to see what was going on in the alley. Or who was going into the alley.

“Do you need me for anything else?” I turned my back to Ash and Brooke. “I think I’m just going to go.”

“
No, I think we’re good.” He grinned, wrinkling the leathery skin around his eyes.

I
gave him my best grateful smile. “Thanks for coming out.”

I waited for him to climb into the tow truck before I made my move. When the engine revved and the beeping of the back-up alarm started, I fled down the alley. The rumbling of the truck washed the air with white noise. I walked quickly with light steps to the other end. Ash would probably be a little insulted I
’d left without telling him, but he’d already done his good deed for the day by arranging for the tow truck and dropping me off.

On the other side of downtown, I crossed the street to the town library parking lot and cut through someone
’s unfenced backyard. I came out on a small side street and relaxed then, feeling less exposed. After a couple of blocks, I went through a backyard to another side street. I didn’t really think Ash would care if I left. Again. I continued to zigzag through the neighborhoods back to my house, refusing to think about why I was taking the long way. Besides, I didn’t want to interrupt his precious love life.

I meandered down a sidewalk. In front of a house that could pass for an English cottage, white roses draped over an arbor. I ran my fingers over the feathery petals, and caught the side of my hand on a hidden nail under the last rose. I hissed in a breath and yanked it back. Luckily, the
cut was ugly, but relatively shallow. I wrapped my hand around the loose fabric of my shirt and sighed at the dark crimson staining the white linen in a macabre Rorschach blotch.

I sighed, worn out by my behavior,
worn out by constantly playing the bitch. The bloody scratch was probably the universe’s way of chastising me for running away from Ash. I was sick of this place, but mostly, I was sick of myself. I had thought leaving home would change me somehow for the better. It hadn’t. I was still the same screwed up person I was before, and likely always would be.

I
went through the last yard and came out from behind a neighbor’s hedge and onto the sidewalk. My house was the next yard over. I unwound my stinging hand from my shirt. The bleeding had already stopped.

Ash
’s car flew down the street. My already churning stomach jolted as he jumped out, slamming the car door. His face was white with rage as he looked at me. My assumption that he wouldn’t care about my disappearing act had been incredibly wrong.

My pulse raced wildly. There were two choices. Ignore him and walk the rest of the way to my house with my head held high, like his bad mood didn
’t bother me at all. Or run like hell and skip dealing with him like a total coward. I kicked off my sandals, and sprinted for my door.

His footfalls fell heavy behind me as he chased me across the yard. I made it to the top of the steps, my hand fumbling in my bag for my keys. The key was in the lock when he snaked an arm around my waist, firmly holding me against his body.

“Hey—”

He clapped a hand over my mouth. I bit down on his palm hard. No one does that to me, not even him.

“Fucking hell.” Despite my sharp teeth, he didn’t remove his hand.

Ash unlocked the door and banged it open. He lifted me over the doorway, kicking the door closed behind us. I elbowed him in the stomach, which accomplished
absolutely nothing. He picked me up and set me on the entryway table. The white pastry bag and photo slid off the table. I pushed his hand off my face, and tried to climb down, but he blocked my movements with his body. He braced an arm on the wall next to my head, and completely surrounded me, overwhelming me.

“
No!” he snarled. “You’re staying right here. I’m sick of you running away.”

His face was inches away from mine. Sweat shone across his forehead as he glanced down. If possible, he paled further.

“What happened?”

I glared mutinously at him. He swept his hands down my chest and stomach. I sucked in a breath at the feel of his hands on my body, but when he went for the hem of my tank, I slapped at his hands.
Just because I wasn’t clawing his eyes out for manhandling me didn’t give him permission to do whatever he wanted.

“
Whoa!” I said. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“
And I asked you what happened. Why is there blood on your shirt?” He stared with downcast eyes at the smear of blood.

I waved my injured hand in his face.
“You’re freaking out about this little scratch?”

“
I am freaking out because you disappeared. Again.”

“
I thought you had better things to do. I thought you would even be happy to get rid of me!”

“
Do I look happy?” he said in a strained voice. “Do you know what it does to me when you vanish like that, just like last year? No one would’ve known if anything happened to you. I wouldn’t have known if anything happened to you, because you don’t tell anyone what is going on in that head of yours!”

“
If I’m such a freaking mystery, you can just go away now.” I attempted to move down off of the table. He spread his legs wider and held my knees between his thighs. The fabric of my skirt bunched around my hips. I pushed myself backwards as a rebellious heat spread. Safer to keep what little distance I could maintain.

He trembled, with his hands clenched into fists.
“I thought you were dead.”

My jaw dropped.
“You thought I was dead because I walked home without telling you first?”

“
No!” He wiped a hand over his face. “I spent the last year thinking something had happened to you and that’s why you wouldn’t call me…”

I had thought it would be easier on him if I cut myself out of his life entirely. Oh, God. I was so wrong.

I could read the anguish in his eyes. “I took the internship downtown just in case you came home. I was ready to hire a private investigator to find you.”

“
I—I’m sorry, I never wanted you to think that. I didn’t think—”

“
No, you didn’t think,” he said, planting his hand on the table near my naked thigh. “It’s always about Katie, first and last.”

My spine stiffened against the wall. How dare he? Everything I did was for him. I ran away last year to keep him safe and to give him a chance to be free from this place.
What I wanted didn’t matter in the end. It never had. But if I told him the truth, he’d only think I was making excuses for my bad behavior now. I turned my head away.

“
Someone has to think of me first. I can’t expect anyone else to do it,” I said dully.

He cupped my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze.
“You really think that, don’t you? You keep pushing me away because you’re just a scared little brat, and it would be just too hard for you to admit someone cares about you.”

“
Maybe I don’t want someone to bother caring about me.”

“
And maybe you’re a liar.”

“
If you think I’m such a liar, why are you still here?” I jerked my face out of his grip.

His eyes narrowed.
“You know why.”

“
No, I don’t.” I lifted my chin with a glare. “Maybe you have a thing for redheads. There’s nothing special about me, nothing you can’t find anywhere else, like with
Brooke
.”

I almost choked on her name. The color returned to his face, and a hint of a smile played on his lips. I didn
’t know it was possible to hate someone more than I already did at that moment.

“
Is that what this is about?” He loomed over me, the nearness of his body heating up my flushed skin. “I was trying to make you jealous.”

My pulse pounded in my ears. He did it on purpose?
“I’m already an expert in jealousy, I don’t need your help.”

“
Could’ve fooled me,” he said, lacing his words with amusement. “I’ve never noticed it bothering you before.”

He mocked me, like the years of wanting him were nothing. Like it didn
’t tear me apart to pretend otherwise. I fisted the fabric of my skirt to keep myself from putting my hands on him. It wouldn’t take much to reach out, he was so close.

“
You fucked your way through so many girls, I lost count. Don’t tell me I don’t know a thing about jealousy,” I snapped.

His face grew feral. His scent floated through the air, taunting me.
“I wanted you to be jealous then, too. Every time I brought someone into that café, I wanted you to notice. Every girl I went out with, I wanted it to get back to you, and for you to think about what we were doing together, and wish it was you instead. But you never did, did you?”

“
I thought they made you happy, that they were the ones you really wanted.” I practically hissed the words. “But don’t pretend I didn’t notice every single one.”

Shards of emerald gleamed in his eyes.
“Why should I believe you?”

“
Because you should’ve been with me.” My selfish heart didn’t really want him to be happy with anyone else. I was so far gone in my anger, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I always wanted you!”

A muscle twitched in his jaw.
“Then why don’t you act like it for a change?”

“
I did!” I shouted it in his face. “And it ruined everything.”

He bowed his dark head slowly toward me. Cords of muscle lined his neck.

I slumped back on the wall, tears stinging my eyes. I’d spent years bargaining in my head. Let me keep him in my life, and I won’t ask for more. The one time I did try for more, we shattered apart from the attempt. I’d already hurt him enough.

“
And I’m done begging you.” The words were deadly calm but when he lifted his head, the emotions flashing across his face were anything but peaceful. “If you don’t care about me anymore, I’ll leave you alone. Your choice.”

My choice to either push him completely away, or let him back into my life and risk hurting him again. I tried to think my way through, when he stood up straight, the fire in his eyes going cold, defeated. I took a deep breath. I couldn
’t let him go. I never could. I grabbed his shirt and yanked, until he lowered his face to mine.

“
Is that a yes?” he asked hoarsely.

When I was eighteen years old, I couldn’t wait for a new adventure to begin. Patience wasn’t the only virtue I was eager to get rid of…

The thunderstorm from the lake had passed, but the heavy downpour remained as evening moved into night. Rain flowed down the fogged-up windows of Ash
’s car, parked in my driveway, conveniently hidden from prying eyes. I straddled his lap, and leaned back. He stared with hooded eyes and a secret smile. His hand teased under my shirt, stroking the skin of the small of my back.

Placebo
’s cover of “Running Up That Hill” played on the stereo. I wove my hands in the air to the throbbing beat of the drums. “I love this song.”

He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but instead, he tugged on the front of my shirt. I lowered my head for another long kiss and pressed my hands against his chest, sliding them down. I loved finally being able to touch him freely, to run my hands down the ripples and valleys of his skin and muscle. Underneath me, his erection pulsed through his wet clothes. I also loved witnessing firsthand his reaction to my touch. The heady feeling of power aroused me as much as the heat coursing through my body.

His hands moved slowly down my back and taunted me again, at the waistband of my flimsy shorts this time. They slipped beneath to cup the bare skin of my ass. I shivered, wishing his hands would go farther and not stop. Sadly, he took them away.

“
You’re probably getting cold.” He turned off the air conditioner. “You should probably go inside and take a hot shower.”

I twisted a lock of his hair around my finger, and said,
“You’re probably just as wet and cold, too.”

His eyes widened as he considered my full meaning. “Are you sure?”

I didn’t have time for doubt. We were leaving at the end of the summer. I gently bit his lip. He inhaled deeply and lifted his hips up, pressing his groin into mine.

“
Yes.” With a smile, I moved my hand to the door handle. “If you can catch me.”

I threw open the car door, and jumped out into the rain. I raced to my front door in bare feet. He was fast on my heels, but I was a little bit faster. Through the door and the living room, I made it to the hallway before he caught me around the waist. Our wet feet slipped on the wood floor, causing us to spin around in a circle. I shrieked with laughter.

We slowed to a stop, and Ash backed me up to the wall. The warmth of his body grew hotter the closer he pressed up against me. Drops of water glittered in his tousled hair as his head dipped to my collarbone, and he trailed kisses to the hollow of my throat.

“
What do I win?” he murmured.

“
I think…” I arched up. I felt wild. Free. “We can take a shower later.”

I laced my fingers through his, and tugged him in the direction of my bedroom. He hesitated and then smiled, wide and brilliant.

In my bedroom, I stood before him and knew I was never going to regret this night. Something just felt right about it. I couldn’t control what was going to happen tomorrow, or the next two months, or maybe ever. But for tonight, he was mine, and it was going to have to be enough. One secret I could call my own, that no one could take from me. My heart squeezed tight in my chest, but I hid it with a bright smile.

Ash caressed my cheek, and I leaned my face into his palm. I didn
’t know how starved I was for the touch of another person—no, for his touch—until just now.

“
You’re so beautiful,” he said in a husky tone that made my stomach flutter. “The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, you know that?”

My hair fell around my shoulders in a knotted mess, my skin was pale and dotted with goose bumps from the rain, but the way he stared at me, I could
’ve been draped in jewels and silk. It flustered me. I wasn’t used to seeing the visible adoration on his face.

“
You’re just saying that to get me naked,” I said lightly.

His mouth turned down, and then he smirked.
“Can you blame me? I’ve been wanting to get my hands on your curves for a long time.”

Where was the perfect gentleman who never made an inappropriate sexual remark in my presence? I liked the new naughty one better.

I put my hands behind my back, and wrung them together. Nerves stuttered through me. There was another secret he didn’t know. It wasn’t like the status of my virginity came up in daily, friendly conversation. There’d been a wall around that part of us for years, since I grew breasts and his voice changed.

He must have sensed my anxiety because he frowned.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with doing tonight.” His eyes softened with concern. “You know that, right?”

Releasing my hands, I stood on tiptoe to kiss him, providing an answer to such a ridiculous question. I wrapped my arms around his neck and met his mouth. He kissed me back harder, with almost bruising force, until I let out a little moan.
He’d learned what I liked fast, responding to my unspoken cues. Searching, wet kisses left me numb.

He led me backwards to the bed, his mouth still consumed by mine, until my legs hit the edge. We separated and I climbed onto the bed. Eager for what was going to take place next one second, more than slightly terrified the next.

He knew I had tried to date. Tried to be normal. He’d watched my disastrous attempt at becoming a party girl last summer. But he didn’t know everything, like how every guy who touched me left me wondering if they really wanted me or if they just wanted to see how far they could go before I said no.

Taking his wallet out of his pocket, he threw it on the nightstand before joining me. He straddled my hips, but when I tried to sit up to pull my top off, he stopped me with a gentle hand and laid me down on the pillows. Flat on my back, I was very curious where he was planning on going with this.

His face turned so serious, and in a strained voice, he asked, “Let me do this part, please?”

He clasped the hem of my damp top and uncovered my stomach, where he stopped to kiss my exposed skin up to my ribcage. I loved the feel of his lips on my skin. He pushed my shirt over my bra, and I sat up a little as he pulled it over my head, dropping it on the floor beside us. Was this more teasing? Oh, no, it was something else entirely.

I watched him in wonderment while he grazed a knuckle over the swell of my breasts, his eyes wide. Hooking a finger through the bra strap, he lowered it down my shoulder slowly, and my breath caught in my throat when he went to the next one, repeating the same tender process. Then he cupped a breast reverently, pushing aside the satin of my bra, and brought his head down to my rosy nipple.

His mouth shot fire through my body, and I squirmed at the sensation. He glanced up with a knowing look, and turned to the other breast. They were incredibly sensitive after being held in wet clothes for hours, and the warmth of his lips and tongue built up the fire down in my core. I gasped, tangling my hands in his hair. He moved up, reaching his arms underneath my back, his chest brushing ever so slightly on my breasts, and it was almost as erotic as his mouth. It became difficult to think clearly as he unhooked my bra, throwing it on the floor.

He moved back to kneel between my legs, and pulled my shorts and panties slowly down and off. No one had ever seen or touched that part of my body, but there was no shame or embarrassment. I trusted him. I raised my hips up, and the rest of my clothes joined my top and bra on the floor. Lying on his side next to me, he trailed a hand down my inner thigh while watching my face with the same secret smile. Now we were back to teasing. I shivered and trembled while he explored, taking callused fingers up one thigh to the crease of my leg. Suddenly, it tickled, and I giggled.

“
Quiet,” he said with mock sternness. “This is serious business, seducing my best friend and all.”

And he was seducing me simply because I asked him to. He may have been doing all the work, but he made me feel like I was the one in control. And safe. I reached down and moved his hand away from my inner thigh to my clit.
“Then do it right.”

He groaned and buried his face in my neck.
“Do you know how long I’ve dreamed about this? To be able to touch you?”

Probably as long as I had dreamed of the same thing.

He stroked with a deceptive gentleness. Softly and slowly, down my folds, back to my clit. My legs fell farther apart, and my hips bucked up against his hand. His fingers moved faster. I squeezed my eyes shut when an orgasm started to build. Waves of pleasure exploded over me, and left me panting. The intensity surprised me. It was never like that when I touched myself. When I opened my eyes, Ash stared at me in awe, his eyes shimmering in the low light of the lamp.

He pressed a soft kiss on my mouth.
“God, you’re so amazing.”

I felt amazing. I stretched languidly and rolled over to face him. I draped a leg over his, letting it rest between his calves.

“I don’t want to stop now.” I smoothed a hand over his hair. I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. I raised an eyebrow. “Or is that all you got?”

“
For you?” His eyes never left mine. “Everything and anything.”

He stepped off the bed, and unsnapped his shorts, dropping them to the floor. My eyes went big. It looked awfully proud of itself. Maybe that
’s why it was called a cock.

The nerves that had quieted under his exceptional attention surged back to life
along with a sudden lump in my throat. I didn’t know why I was so worried. It wasn’t like he would force me to blow him if I told him I was a virgin. Ash wasn’t like that, I knew it without a doubt. I swallowed, the tightness in my throat easing up. He wouldn’t try anything if I changed my mind at the last second.

But I had to tell him soon, I just didn
’t know how. He knelt on the bed, reached over to his wallet, and pulled out a condom. The remaining last bit of nerves fled. I needed to do something first, before he put it on. I wanted to touch him like he’d touched me. Could I make him feel just as good?

I wrapped my hand around the base, and he threw his head back, exposing the long length of his throat. It was so hot in my palm, hotter than any other part of his body. Experimentally, I applied a little pressure, just to see what would happen. He breathed out a ragged gasp, and my head swam at the result. I did that. I made him feel that way.

He laughed. “If you don’t keep your busy hands to yourself, I’m not going to last.”

I quirked my mouth up and considered the implications for a moment, before taking my hand away. He ripped open the condom and put it on before he covered me with his body, sheltering me. He
went to kiss me, and I could feel the tip of him so close. Involuntarily, I moved my hips up, like my body knew more about sex than I did. If I didn’t say something now, he was going to be in for one hell of a surprise.

“
Wait.” I kissed his chin. “I have to tell you something.”

He went completely still.

“You know how my reputation isn’t true,” I said.

His eyes went unfocused before returning to center on mine.
“Yeah, of course.”

“
My reputation is really, really not true.” I spoke clearly to gauge his reaction.

“
Oh.” He blinked in quick succession. “Oh! You mean…” He gestured to us with one hand, sprawling together naked in bed.

I laughed to cover my embarrassment. A blush crept up my face with unpleasant whispering doubts. Maybe he wouldn
’t want me now. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him.

“
So you’re a virgin?”

I nodded, and looked up at him from under my lashes.

He swallowed hard. “I’m not.”

My cheeks flamed. It was more than obvious already that he already knew what he was doing, and with skill.

“I’m sorry,” he confessed.

I stiffened underneath him. Was this where everything was going to fall apart?

“If I had known, I wouldn’t have pushed you. We don’t have to do this tonight. We can wait until you’re ready.”

What the hell was he talking about? He never pushed me. This had been all my idea.

“I’m ready.” I shook my head. “Absolutely, completely ready.”

His whole body vibrated with tension, and he continued to weigh me with his gaze. He wanted this, I knew he did. And I wanted this.
Oh, God, did I want this. For once, I was absolutely sure of something in my life. A little more reassurance was necessary. I thrust my hips up and let his cock nestle against me, the sensation an exquisite physical expression of pure want.

“
Did I mention I’m ready?” I whispered.

He closed his eyes and inhaled. Sweat broke out across his forehead.

I planted more kisses along his jaw. “It’ll be fine.”

“
But it’s going to hurt you,” he said through clenched teeth. “The first time hurts, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“
It’ll only hurt for a moment, promise.” I had no idea if that was really true or not, but it sounded good.