Seeing Clearly (17 page)

Chapter 21

Gretchen

Dear Joel,

I decided to write you a letter because I knew I'd lose my nerve (and probably even end up sleeping with you) if I tried to do this in person.

I feel silly having to treat this like a break up since we were never officially together.

But…

I'm afraid we have to stop seeing each other. I've had some personal issues come up lately that make it impossible for me to be a suitable girlfriend (or whatever) to you.

Please don't think any of this is about you. I just have a lot going on right now. I'm having a few second thoughts about Paradise Island, but that's not about you either. If I quit my career because it was what you wanted me to do, I'd never let you live it down… I'd never be able to forgive you for it, so it has nothing whatsoever to do with you, but… I've been thinking about quitting the show and finishing school lately. Please don't tell anyone I said that because I'm still just thinking about it. I'm pretty much uncertain of just about everything at this point, which is the main reason I can't see you anymore.

It's probably best that we don't even show up at the same place for a little while since we obviously can't keep our hands off each other.

You have no idea how sorry I am about doing this in an email. I know it's a douchebag move, but I'd never be able to say all this to your face. I'm sorry for everything.

Please don't hate me,

Gretchen
.

I hit the button for "delete draft" after I'd read it a time or two. I really wish I could press send and be done with the emotional rollercoaster thing, but I had to stick it out for one more week. As soon as I could break it off with Joel, I could get right back to my life the way it was before I met him, but I wasn't about to do that with only five days to go till Christmas. It took a lot for Joel to ask if he could spend Christmas with my family, and I knew he was looking forward to it. There was no way I was about to break things off with him before he could enjoy a decent Christmas.

Thankfully, it was business as usual at Paradise Island that week, and I was distracted. Collin's mom and sister came to L.A. to do some Christmas shopping. Being long-time fans of the show, they planned to spend an extra day so they could come by the studio for a tour. Collin's mom was a little unpredictable, but Meredith, his eighteen-year-old sister, was friendly enough for both of them. I figured it'd be a relatively painless experience, and I was happy that it kept my mind off of Joel and the prospect of seeing him in a few days.

Collin's mom and sister were actually a lot of fun to have around. Mandy (Collin's mom) had some very nice things to say about Rachel, which automatically put me at ease. His l
ittle sister Meredith was as feisty as her adorable pixie haircut promised. I usually liked the looks of longer hair, but Meredith was absolutely gorgeous with her short, messy hairstyle. I noticed a few of my co-stars checking her out, but I knew they couldn't do anything with her mom right there, so I just laughed at them behind the girls' backs and let them look.

Toward the end of the afternoon, I walked to the Starbucks on the studio lot with Collin's family to grab a cup of coffee and tell them goodbye.

"Did Rachel tell you about Christmas?" Collin's mom asked after we'd all received our coffee drinks. I gave her a look that told her I had no idea what she was talking about, so she continued, "Collin's father and I decided to take a cruise instead. I've never been too much on the holiday, and God knows I can't cook. We invited Collin and Rachel, but they aren't joining us. We'll have something for New Year's maybe. Anyway, Collin and Rachel are planning on staying here for the holiday, and I know you have family here. I just hate for them to be alone—"

"Oh, of course they can come out to my parent's house. My family will be excited to have them. I'm already expecting some extras… Joel and Emily,
both of them are friends of Collin and Rachel's. It'll be fun."

"That's so weird," Meredith said. She gently blew at her coffee to try to cool it. "That's exactly who's coming to dinner." I must have given her a dumbfounded look, because she giggled and said, "
Joel and Emily
. We're having sushi with Collin and Rachel tonight and she said their friends Joel and Emily were planning on joining us."

Meredith had
no
way of knowing I'd react to this bit of information, so I did my best not to. I smiled and sipped coffee through the plastic lid. Were my friends all hanging out without me? I found that I was not-at-all-okay with the idea of Joel having dinner with Emily behind my back.

I know I said in my letter that I didn't think we should see each other anymore… but I
hadn't even given him that letter yet
. I was beyond pissed at the thought of it being his idea and not mine.

"You should come with us!" Meredith said, still oblivious that I was reeling inside. She whispered in a conspiring tone, "I don’t know if he's with that Emily girl, but I've met Joel. He's totally hot, and he's a ka-zillionaire."

"No, I can't, I uhh, have to work and then I have plans after that," I lied. Who says
I have plans after that?
What a goober.

"Whatevs, your loss," Meredith said, shrugging. "You should come if you change your mind. I don't
know the name of the restaurant but Ray says it's the best sushi in town. Super authentic."

Collin's mom was just tuning back into the conversation after stirring six extra packets of raw sugar into her coffee. Realizing that Meredith had just invited me to dinner, she said, "I believe Collin had to call ahead for reservations, and I'm sure Gretchen has plans anyway."

Oh, is that how it's gonna be?

Now I
wanted
to go.

Changing my mind at this point was out of the question. "Your mom's right," I said. "I do have plans. I'm going out with Caleb, the guy who plays Ashton
, tonight." I could only hope they'd mention my made-up plans with Caleb tonight at the restaurant.

"Aww, you're so lucky," Meredith said. "You think you could get me an audition for the show?"

I was so preoccupied by the news of Joel having dinner with Emily that I couldn't think or care about getting anyone an audition. "Sure," I said. I was on conversational autopilot. "Get me a headshot and I'll pass it along."

"You're the best, Gretchen!" Meredith said, hugging me so tightly I had to really work at balancin
g my coffee. She was so excited you would have thought I said, "You've got the job," instead of "I'll pass along a headshot." She walked off the studio lot elated and grinning from ear to ear. Collin's mom was smiling too, and I couldn't help but think it was because she was relieved to get out of me saying yes to dinner tonight.

I was done with filming scenes for the day, but I had some lines to learn, so I went to find a quiet spot. As hard as I tried, I couldn't turn my brain off. If you could have heard my thoughts out loud, it would have sounded like a room full of reporters, all yelling their questions at me one after another.

"Miss McKay, what are you going to do about that pregnancy test that came out positive?"

"Do you know you're in breech of contract with the studio if you get pregnant? Do you know that keeping a baby equals losing your job?"

"Gretchen, did you know the guy who fathered this baby thinks you're good enough to screw but not good enough to marry?"

I tried to tell myself I could have it all. I could be with Joel, raise a baby, and live happily ever after, but I knew better. If I quit Paradise Island to be Joel's wife, that's exactly who I'd be. Joel's wife. What kind of existence would it be to know you're
completely
dependent on another person? The kind of existence I want no part of. I just wouldn't be happy knowing I had to give up my own personal goals in order to be with somebody.

Here lies the real kicker:

There's a baby in the mix now. If I choose to keep the baby, I'll lose my job at Paradise Island, thus taking away the only thing keeping me from meeting Joel's occupational requirements. But then I'm automatically thrown into the same situation I'm trying to avoid in the first place, barefoot and pregnant, with no goals or aspirations or free time or money of my freaking own. Joel's wife.

Obviously, the easiest thing to do would be get rid of the baby, keep working at P.I., have a great run where I make enough to buy the theater, then retire to a life of doing goodwill so I can die fulfilled. Quitting my job, having a baby, and picking up the life of rich wife would be giving up everything I've worked for, everything I've planned.

For a second I questioned whether I was naïve for thinking Joel would marry me if I'd have him, but I knew he would if I told him I was pregnant. He was too honorable of a man not to offer marriage to a girl who is carrying his baby. (And, yes, somehow I've turned
that
into a strike against him too.) 

"Ms. Wentworth. Ms. Wentworth." Kermit the frog's voice drug me from the overanalyzing of life that was my existence lately.

"Yeah?" I said looking up at the production assistant from the stack of papers on my lap.

"Mr. Mitchell wants to see you," he said. "He's in his office now, and he's expecting you." He gave me a slight bow before turning on his heel and walking away.

Max Mitchell… the boss who wants to go out with me. I searched my brain for a few seconds trying to remember where I stood with him. I'd been trying to avoid him for so long, that I couldn't remember if I ever got around to telling him I wasn't interested in going out with him. For a person who used to pride herself on being drama free, I'd sure put myself in the thick of it lately.

I made my way to the lavish office of Mr. Mitchell, television producer extraordinaire. He looked like h
e'd just been to a Dave Matthews' concert. He was dressed in hiking gear, and wore a faded baseball cap.

"Casual Friday?" I asked as I entered the room, closing the door behind me.

"I'm going to play Frisbee golf in a little while."

"Frisbee golf?" I asked. "I thought guys who produce hit shows play
regular
golf."

"I play regular golf too, but this is just as fun. That's why I had you come in here, actually, I thought you might want to come along."

I took the time to go through a few different scenarios… things I could say to him right now. But what came out of my mouth (while the truth) was the most God-awful, hair-brained, ill-timed, half-witted, thing I could have possibly said.

"I'm sort of in love with someone already and I'm pretty sure I'm about to be fired anyway since I'm pregnant and I'm planning on having the baby which puts me in breech of my contract." I stared at him like a deer in headlights, amazed at the stream of words that just spilled from my mouth. I had absolutely
no clue
what Max would say. He rubbed his hand over his brow as if to massage away a headache.

"Please tell me you're kidding right now, Gretchen." He looked through his fingers at me with a hopeful squint. I told him no with a slight shake of the head. My serious expression only further convinced him that I wasn't joking.

"I liked you, which makes this suck personally. But more than that, I fucking
loved
you as Abby, Gretchen. I'm going to
hate
having to audition for a look alike." He raked a frustrated hand through his hair. "What if I can see about writing you out for a few months? We could skip the fat part and get you back to work. You think you could get the weight off within a few weeks after you pop it out?"

"Wow, Max, you really know how to make a lady feel special," I said. "I feel all warm and fuzzy right
now."

"Oh come on, Gretchen, you have to know this news is a fucking pisser for me. The viewers
love
you and they love having Abby back. And, before you ask… No, we cannot just write a pregnancy into the story line. Abby's not having a baby anytime soon." He paused and sighed. "Can you get back to work if I can come up with a plan to write you out for a few months?"

"I'm not sure if I could," I said. I wanted to just agree to the three-month vacation and be thankful that it was even an option. My urge was to follow the path of least resistance from here on out since I'd
already dropped some major bombs on Max, but my gut told me I wanted a clean break. "The guy I'm having this baby with is the jealous type, and I think regular love scenes would put a strain on the relationship. I'm so sorry Max. I didn't plan on giving you this news today. Actually, before I walked in here, I still didn't know what I was going to do."

He let out another long sigh.

"You're lucky I like you, McKay, or I'd be fucking pissed at you right now." He was red-faced and almost yelling, so I couldn't imagine what pissed looked like. "I know I should tell you congratulations and whatnot, but you'll understand if this is a bit bittersweet for me."

"I know," I said.
A moment of tense silence followed.

"You don't have a twin sister in your back pocket, do you?" Max said. It was the first time in the last few minutes his words hadn't come out as harsh reprimand.