Seeing Shadows (2 page)

Because of my father and these visions, I burrowed myself behind a wall where people couldn’t be disappointed by me. I could never shake the feeling that I was living on borrowed time before everything blew up in my face. As a result, I could never let anyone get too close. I was too scared to tell anyone what I was seeing because if I couldn’t tell my own father, who could I tell?

But during our freshman year in college, the visions got to the point where I was terrified to close my eyes at night, not wanting to see the grisly deaths in my sleep. It had been easy to hide it from my first sex-crazed roommate, whose attentions were elsewhere directed at night. But I couldn’t hide it from Sarah.

When my whimpers began to wake her in the middle of the night, I figured she would just think I was a freak. But the first night, when I had woken up in terror and trembling, Sarah had simply laid down on my bed next to me. She hadn't asked me what the dream had been about. She had just started talking about a diner in her hometown that made the best grilled cheese. As she had chattered on about the perfect ratio of bread to cheese, I had slowly calmed down and started focusing on her words. About how it was imperative to butter both sides of the bread to make sure it griddled properly. Soothed by her words, I had slowly fallen back asleep.

She never mentioned it the next day. And the nights when I would wake up, shuddering and whimpering, she would lay down next to me and talk about something inane and unimportant, soothing me back to sleep. Finally, when I started to feel more comfortable around her, I asked her why she did what she did. It turned out her younger sister used to have night terrors and this was how she helped her go back to sleep. Sarah assumed I was having night terrors. Until one day during our writing class which we shared second semester.

It was the first day of class and I froze when the professor walked in. I had seen him the night before, screaming in pain as a fire enveloped him. I had gasped and ran out of the classroom, tears streaming down my face. I was usually able to better control my reactions when seeing the people in my visions in real life, but his death had been particularly gruesome.

Sarah had followed me out of the classroom and everything I was holding in burst out. She had stayed quiet as the words rushed out of me, the visions of death, meeting my visions in real life. As I finished and looked up at her, expecting to find disbelief or revulsion, she had given me a small smile.

“I don’t really understand it. And it sounds a little scary.” Sarah paused and took a deep breath. “Actually, it sounds a lot scary. But there’s a lot we don’t know about this world. About how our minds work. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. But that doesn’t change you - the Caitlin I know. You’re still the funny girl who watches infomercials and cooks a mean pot of spaghetti sauce.”

With those words, I understood that I had finally found someone who I could trust. And slowly my trust in Sarah grew as she kept her word and didn’t look at me like a freak when I would shudder when I met someone new, knowing what I was experiencing. And miraculously, the visions grew less and less frequent until they were a rare occurrence by the end of my sophomore year. And junior year had been a brilliant respite, with no visions at all. I hadn't questioned why they stopped, I was just grateful they had.

I hadn’t told Sarah that I had started experiencing visions again this past summer while I was interning for a financial firm back in my hometown of Philadelphia. She had been so relieved and happy for me when the weight of the visions had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t want to disappoint her by telling her they had come back. Besides, there had only been a few visions, and I had only had one since school started. I was hoping it would stay that way.

My almost complete honesty and Sarah's acceptance was why I could be so comfortable with her. She was the one person who really knew me. And so we finished making dinner in comfortable ease, Sarah putting the salad together while I simmered my Bolognese sauce, along with baking a new batch of garlic bread.

“Oh, crap!” Sarah exclaimed, glancing down at her watch. “It’s almost seven o'clock! I need to change!”

I glanced over at her and smiled. Sarah was wearing jeans and a red sweater that complemented her athletic figure and pixie haircut.

“What are you changing into, a ball gown? You look fine, Sarah! This isn’t dinner at the White House. It’s friends schlepping over for a Friday night celebratory dinner for making it through the week.”

“Ha!” exclaimed Sarah. “My motto is always dress to impress, no matter what the occasion. Besides, Grant is bringing his cousin with him tonight. He transferred from Yale and he's staying with Marcus and Grant while he figures out his housing. If Grant is any indication, his cousin is going to be a hottie.” She wiggled her eyebrows for emphasis.

I laughed as I wiped my hands on a dishcloth. “I fear for the safety of Grant’s cousin’s heart. Or chastity.” I pressed my lips together and cocked my head. “I wonder why he transferred here from Yale. I mean, we’re not exactly in the Ivy League tier.”

Maxwell University was a small prestigious college known for its arts and music school but it was nowhere near the leagues of Yale. I had decided to attend Maxwell University because of the scholarship that covered most of my school cost. The rest I paid with loans and a part time job at a local cafe.

“Grant said his cousin and his father were always at odds with what he wanted to do and I guess transferring here is his way of rebelling,” Sarah revealed. She looked down at my outfit. “You should change too. What if you and his cousin hit it off, and then you guys get married and Grant and I get married? Then we’d be related!” Sarah squealed and jumped up and down.

I laughed indulgently, looking down at my outfit. My jeans and blue t-shirt with Oscar the Grouch wasn’t going to win me any beauty pageants, but the last thing I wanted to do was impress a guy. Men were distractions that I didn’t want during college. It was enough to have friends who I cared about. Besides, dating turned into relationships which was an intimacy that I wasn’t ready for. I couldn’t imagine having to explain to a boyfriend why I was crazy and had visions.

“You know I have no interest in dating right now. It’s enough keeping up with everyone else's love life. Besides, I thought our plan was to meet twin brothers in our late twenties and then get married.”

“Oh well,” Sarah shrugged. “We can always move up the timeline. And you’d impress in any outfit, so I guess it doesn’t matter.”

I rolled my eyes as I stirred the meat sauce. Sarah was always on me about so-and-so being interested in me and how I should take notice. It’s not that I was completely oblivious and I knew I was attractive enough. My Korean mother and Norwegian father had given me an exotic look that somehow also seemed girl next door. My long black hair and thin figure was from my mother, but my large brown eyes and pale complexion were compliments of my father. At five feet and five inches, I was neither tall nor short. Average. I figured myself pretty average in most respects and I was okay with that, especially since I wasn’t average in the one area that I desperately wanted to be.

Sarah went to her room to change and I walked into the living room to close the window that I had opened to air out Sarah’s latest culinary disaster. As I gripped the bottom sill of the window to push it closed, I shivered as a sudden chill went through my body as my gaze was suddenly transfixed on my reflection in the window. My heart started pumping faster as I felt an unnatural stillness. I stared into the reflection of my eyes, feeling as if I was in a trance.

“Hey,” yelled Sarah down the hall. “Can I borrow your perfume? I'm all out."

Sarah’s voice broke through the trance and I shook my head. I must be just feeling the effects of the cold night air drafting in through the window.

“Sure,” I replied as I closed the window, but I was unable to completely dismiss the feeling of foreboding.

**********

By the time Sarah had changed and come back out, I had mixed the spaghetti with the Bolognese sauce in a big bowl. I placed it on our small breakfast table that was in the corner of our living room, along with garlic bread and the salad Sarah had prepared.

“It smells great!” Sarah exclaimed. “Especially my salad,” she said with a wink.

“Of course,” I smirked “You cut some mean lettuce.”

Our doorbell rang and Sarah rushed over to the door to open it, revealing Jenny. She was clutching a bottle of wine as she walked in, bringing a gust of cold air in with her.

"Hey Jenny," greeted Sarah. "Right on time."

Jenny shuffled in, taking her coat off and laying it on the back of the couch. Jenny was a frequent visitor to our apartment so she made herself at home, plopping down on the couch.

"I will never get over these winters," grumbled Jenny. "This kind of cold is not normal."

Jenny was a native of Florida and even though this was her fourth winter at Maxwell University, she still faced every chilling day as an affront to humanity.

"Well, your refreshments will help us warm up," I said as she handed me the bottle of wine. "Do you want to start with a glass?"

"Absolutely," Jenny sighed, leaning back on the couch. "I had a killer day today. I think I totally failed my physics exam."

I laughed as I walked into the kitchen. "That's what you always say and you ace every exam," I scoffed, pouring out three glasses of wine.

"When are the boys getting here?" asked Jenny.

"They should be here any minute," replied Sarah. "Let me use the intercom."

With that, she stomped the floor with her foot. "That should do it."

I grinned. "Ah, the wonders of technology." I passed out the glasses of wine. "I'm not sure if I can take Marcus making moon faces at you all night, Jenny. Can't you cut the guy some slack and just go out with him already?"

Jenny spluttered from taking a sip of her wine. "He hasn't even asked me out! How can I go out with him if he's never asked me out?"

Sarah leaned on the arm of the couch. "Marcus is too afraid of rejection," she said. "He sees all the guys you go out with and doesn't want to be one of the masses."

"Geez, she's not a revolving door," I said. "One of these days he's going to have to suck it up and take a chance. Either that or stop staring at her non-stop. If I didn't like Marcus so much, he'd creep me out."

"He's not the only one making moon faces around here," Jenny said slyly, looking at Sarah out of the corner of her eye.

"Hey!" Sarah exclaimed. "Don't compare me to Marcus. At least I make my moves."

"Okay, children," I said clapping my hands, bringing everyone to order. "There will be no mooning today by anyone. Let's just have a nice relaxing dinner."

There was a knock at the door, breaking up the conversation. Sarah opened the door to reveal Marcus with his trademark shy smile.

"Hi Marcus," Sarah said. "Where's Grant?"

Jenny groaned, rolling her eyes as Sarah shot her a killer look.

"He'll be right up. He was just moving some stuff around for his cousin, but I didn't want to be late so I came up ahead."

Marcus sat down next to Jenny, but you could have fit an elephant in the space he left between them on the couch. "Hi Jenny," he said with a smile.

"Hey Marcus," she replied brightly. "How was your day?"

As Marcus, Jenny and Sarah started talking about classes and exams and all the other things that had happened that day, I walked back into the kitchen, taking a deep breath. I had made an effort to seem relaxed when joking in the living room, but I was feeling off. It was as if I was feeling extra sensitized to everything. I could feel my heart beating rapidly in my chest, the sound of the material of my shirt rubbing against itself as I put my hand to my forehead. I thought twice about the glass of wine in my hand and put it down. Ever since I had gotten that weird sensation at the window, I felt as though I couldn't take a full breath.

Get yourself together,
I thought to myself.
It's Friday night, you're going to have fun with your friends. You will not be weird, you will not freak out. You will be a normal girl if it kills you.