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Accompanying song:
“Covenant” by Snowghosts feat. Blue Daisy

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 19
th
, 2013

Civilization is a lie. We tell ourselves we have class, we behave according to social norms we invented—laugh when we should laugh, even when it’s not funny, pray when we should pray, even when we don’t agree, shake hands as if we actually care, tell someone we’re fine, when we truly aren’t. I used to think all of it mattered, too. I believed that if I’d dress a certain way, people would think ‘now that’s a beautiful, charming lady’. That if I didn’t ask questions and did as I was told, the world would be nice to me.

What an incredible load of nonsense. The world is cruel. I found out firsthand.

None of it matters.

Not in here. Not how you look or how you act. Everyone’s crazy, anyway, so nobody’s going to judge you if your hair is messy or if your face is saggy. Clothes don’t matter. I used to be a girl who loved the colorful dresses and hats, accompanied by eye-catching jewelry and a bit of makeup. Now? Not so much. It just doesn’t matter anymore. When you have conformed to living in the midst of chaos, you realize all of it is just so unimportant. When nobody else cares, why should I? The longer I’m here, the less I care about what I look like. Or who I am. In here, there is no real need to express yourself. The only thing that matters is getting better, fixing yourself—which is exactly what I’m avoiding, as well.

All patients ramble on and on about the progress in their treatment, like it’s some sort of achievement when you’re faster than someone else. Being in this institution reminds me of high school. Everyone wants to be the popular one—only in here, it means the more insane, the better. Women turn into bitches with the snap of a finger. It’s as if they all want to protect their own sanity and attack someone else’s, so they feel better about their own depravity. What a joke. We’re behaving like kids, and nobody gives a shit. Worst part is that I’m actively engaging them. I know I shouldn’t, but who else will protect my pride? Not the staff. They don’t care if anyone’s being bullied. They’re just here to keep the patients in check and help them ‘improve’. So lately, I’ve resorted to defending myself instead.

A woman in the lunchroom smirks at me while chatting with her friends. “I heard Lillith over here sucked off her imaginary boyfriend in the bathroom the other day.”

The girls snigger and snort, pretending not to laugh. One of them circles her finger close to her temple.

The women laugh as I stampede away from lunch, leaving my tray behind. One of the staff members grabs my arms as I try to walk out the door. It’s the same lady who wanted me to take a shower the other day.

“Where are you going?”

“To my room.”

“I’m sorry, but lunch isn’t over yet. You know the rules.”

“Screw the rules.”

“Are you going to behave like this the entire week, Miss Carrigan?”

“If I must.” I look the woman dead in the eye, making this a staring contest. She knows exactly what I’m talking about, and yet she denies me the right to defend my own honor. The staff knows I’m being made a fool of among other patients, but they do nothing about it. It sickens me.

With trouble, she releases her grip on me. “Fine. If you’re so intent on alienating yourself from the group, go do it. I warned you that if you do not do your best to fit in, this will not be easy. The more you resist, the longer you struggle, the longer it’ll take to get out of here. Just so you know.” She squints at me, but I ignore her self-righteous taunt and walk past her with my head held up high.

In here, I’m not treated like an equal. In here, I cannot decide what I do; instead, my life is governed by women who feel the need to belittle me and make me think I’m insane.

I am
not
crazy. I refuse to agree with their point of view. I will not waver.

I will get out of here, one way or the other.

I walk through the corridors, not knowing where I’m going, but anywhere is better than here. Suddenly, I think about Ashley, and how much I miss having her by my side. She would have told them off. She was the best friend to me, and I did something … or I didn’t …. and now everything between us is ruined.

How in the world did we end up this way?

Without thinking about it, I make my way to the hallway where her room is. It feels like I’m in some sort of trance, being pulled like a magnet toward the one thing in this facility that knows why I’m here. The closer I get, the slower I walk. My breathing picks up. I can’t believe I’m so frightened of someone I used to know so well. I wish it could all go back to the way it used to be. Us, talking, like real friends do, instead of yelling at each other. Maybe, if the staff are not escorting me, she’ll be more willing to talk.

Before I know it, I’m there. Right in front of her. Fate has brought me here, and I must face it with courage. I stand in front of her door, staring into the little window, until her eyes spot me. Like a wolf, she bares her teeth and runs for the door.

“Bitch!”

I cling to the door to prevent myself from stepping back and walking away. I need to face her.

“Ashley …” I murmur, as I place my hand on the glass.

“Fuck you!” She spits at the window, causing me to retract my hand.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it.”

“I don’t know what else I can do.”

“Of course, you fucking know. You didn’t tell them what happened, that’s what’s wrong,” she growls. “Liar! You stood there, watched everything happen, and you did
nothing
. NOTHING! You’re everything that’s wrong with this world!”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” Tears well up in my eyes.

“Sorry doesn’t do shit!” she yells. “Tell them! They don’t fucking believe me. They think I’m insane. Well, guess what? It’s
all
a fucking LIE. I need proof, and you are the only one who knows where it is.” She taps on the window incessantly, as if it will break the glass. I’m more afraid that it’ll break her finger if she keeps going.

“I don’t know what to say. I wish I could look inside my own head and find out what happened and tell them.”

“Get your fucking head out of the gutter, then. You’re lying to yourself,” she spits. “Don’t you think I know? Don’t you think I’ve seen you stammering? You’re trying to protect yourself.”

“I’m trying, Ashley, I’m really trying. I’ll make it right.”

“Not good enough. I know you’re trying to hide from yourself, Lillith. You don’t want to face what happened to us. Instead, you choose to ignore it all and forget it ever happened. You stuffed it away deep inside that little brain of yours so even you can’t reach it. Well, fuck you! I’m in here, thanks to you. So, unless you tell them everything there is to know, I won’t be getting out of here, and neither will you.”

I shake my head, blinking away the tears. “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”

She laughs and looks at the floor. “You’re pathetic.”

What she asks of me is impossible to achieve. Even if I remembered, nothing will change the fact that we are in here as prisoners to the system. Nothing I say will make them believe me. Everything I do only strengthens their belief that I have gone insane. Those same facts apply to Ashley. We are not just at war with them, but with ourselves, too.

It’s quiet between us. I don’t know what to say, and neither does she, apparently. After a while, I hear her sigh.

“What are you doing here?” she says.

“I want to help you. Please … I don’t want to fight with you. Can’t it be like before? Us, being friends … The good old days?”

She laughs, hard, like she’s gone mad this time. And then she looks at me with eyes that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. “It will never be like it used to be.”

And then she turns around, walks back to her bed, sits down, and faces the padded wall, ignoring me completely. I walk away in silence with my head high, wiping away the single tear that managed to run down my cheek.

I’ve made my decision. I’ll get her out of here. Somehow. Some day. Even if it costs me my sanity. I owe it to her.

Accompanying song:
“My Song” by Nova Heart

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 19
th
, 2013, 10 p.m.

In my room, I gaze out the window. There’s no one to be seen. I know he’ll come to me, eventually. Sighing, I lie down on my bed and listen to my roommate snore. I hate the sound. I hate everything about this place, which is exactly the reason why I’m making sure I won’t be here tomorrow.

As I turn around on my side, I notice the snoring has stopped. I blink a few times before checking. My roommate has disappeared again. I don’t have time, nor do I care, to wonder where she’s gone. Someone’s right beside my bed. Sleek, dark pants accompanied by shiny, leather shoes. My eyes trail up from his feet to his sleeves, which are being pulled neatly in place. Surprised, I gasp, but Sebastian places a finger on his lips, causing me to shut my mouth again.

“You know the rules.”

I nod. I can tell he doesn’t want me to speak when we’re still in this hospital. Don’t want to alarm anyone. He doesn’t need to say anything for me to know what he wants me to do. It’s like I can see into his mind.

As our eyes meet, my lips part, and my hunger shows. His lips curl up into a devious smile. He looks beautiful down from where I’m lying. His blond hair gently falls down the sides of his face. His eyes are warm and inviting. Like a guardian angel, he watches over me.

He takes off his black jacket. It slides down his arms seductively. His movements are smooth like a velvet blanket as he unbuttons his shirt achingly slow. Getting up, I bite my lip and sit in front of him as he stops unbuttoning.

“Why are you stopping?” I say, placing my hand on his stomach.

He grabs my hand and takes it off, squeezing my wrists. “No touching, Lillith.”

I roll my eyes but like his coyness anyhow. I’ve never had a man deny my hands, so this is something new. “Tell me, Mister Brand, why are you here?”

One half of his lip moves up in a tentative smile. “Because I’m supposed to be here.”

“Great answer.” I grin. “Avoiding the truth.”

He adjusts his tie. “It’s what we do best, don’t you agree?”

“Hmmm … no.” I brush away my hair as he leans in and hovers close to my face. I feel intimidated, but he won’t make me feel uncomfortable. I won’t allow it to happen. I know he’s trying to make me change my mind. It won’t happen.

“You deny that you’re in love with a fantasy. Except, we are both spinners of lies, so it’s not love that you feel, but you will deny the truth for as long as it will make you happy.”

“Then what does it matter, if it will make us both happy? Unless you’ve suddenly changed your mind on making me feel better.”

“Good point.” He tilts his head and winks, making my body heat up. I don’t understand why he has this effect on me, but he does. Whatever it is that’s going on between us, I don’t want to stop. Not ever. I don’t want to stop thinking about him, because then I’ll forget to breathe.

He moves back, leans sideways, and turns the key in the lock so the door is closed. I can’t help but zoom in on how graceful he moves, and how his clothes fit so neatly that I can see his muscles through it as he twists his body back to me. I lean back on both hands, admiring his statute appearance from further away. His legs are wide, his hands loosely hang on his hips, and his eyes glide over my body, lingering on my spread legs and pushed up breasts. Like a powerful man, he stands before me—Sebastian—the man who saved me, the man who captured my heart, the man I know next to nothing about. The man I want to fuck so badly I’ll forget I’m even in here.

“Are you ready for me to take you?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say. “Do with me what you wish.”

The fulfillment that settles in his eyes is hard to ignore. “All right, Lillith. I will give you what you want. You want me to make you feel better? Then you will do as I say.”

“Yes.”

“Sit up straight.”

Immediately, I respond to his command, sitting up on the bed right in front of him. His hand drifts toward my face to caress my cheek, and I lean into the palm of his hand. I close my eyes and smell the scent lingering on his hand. A small slap against the cheek pulls me back to reality.

“I am in charge now.”

I lick my lips because I’m unsure what to do with myself and with him, but I said yes, so I accept that he’s leading now. My cheeks glow. Not because of his hand, but because of my embarrassment. I am ashamed that I want more of that—more of his domination.

He cups my chin and lifts my head. “You will call me Mister Brand. You will please me however and wherever I desire.”

“Yes, Mister Brand.”

“When this night is over, you will beg me for more, and I’ll give you nothing.”

I frown. “Why?” I don’t want ‘nothing’. I want everything from him. It’s never enough.

“Shhhh …” He dips his thumb into my mouth, preventing me from speaking. He pushes inside, circling over my tongue. “Tonight these lips are not for talking but for my pleasure.”

My panties are damp from his husky voice and dirty words.

“Suck,” he commands gruffly.

Even though he didn’t answer my question and interrupted me when I wanted to say something, I still do as he says. For some reason, all I want is to please him. To make my savior happy, so that I feel good again. God, I’m so hopeless, and I don’t want anything else, either.

While I suck on his thumb, my eyes drift down to his pants. A bulge is obviously growing, and I love the sight of it.

He moans softly. “Next time you choose to question my actions or commands, you’ll get a cock in your mouth instead of my finger.”

I nod as he takes his thumb from my mouth, dragging it over my lips to make them wet. “Good, Lillith. Nice and wet, just how I like them.”

I smile from his comment. I don’t know why it makes me feel good to be so appreciated by someone I barely know, but it does. The opinion of someone unfamiliar with your weaknesses isn’t muddled by unconditional love. It’s pure honesty.

With a wicked smile, he arches his back and starts unbuckling his belt. The sound it makes as it is pulled from the loops is as intimidating as it is enticing. “Lift up your arms and keep your hands together. Now, Lillith.” His words resonate in my ears as the belt is removed from his pants, and he flicks it between his hands. I raise my arms and watch him as he lowers his head and smirks. He’s staring at my breasts. My nipples perk up at the sight of his tongue licking his lips. Heat fills my cheeks … and my panties.

He folds the belt and then snaps it a couple of times. “Sturdy material, don’t you think?”

I nod swiftly, anxiety building up in my body. I struggle to keep my arms in the air. I have the sudden urge to cover up my body.

He makes a flicking motion. I close my eyes to prepare for a blow, but it never happens. I hear him chuckle, and when I open my eyes again he’s just watching me with devilish eyes.

“That was cruel,” I say under my breath.

With his arms crossed behind his back, he takes a big step toward me and bends over. “No, it wasn’t. Cruelty is torture. You are not in pain. I am merely testing your response. Your ability to cope with what’s coming. Your aversion and … arousal.”

I swallow as he steps back again, his firm back to me. “This is not my usual routine, but sometimes something comes along that’s just too hard to resist.”

With that
something,
I’m guessing he means me. “Why? What is your usual routine, Mister Brand?”

He turns his head toward me, flashing me a smile. “I take on the sinners, Lillith. Those who tread on the edge where the lines between what’s right and wrong have long been blurred.” He cocks his head as he turns back around to face me, the belt wrapped around his fists. “And you, Lillith, don’t tread on the line of morality, but on the line of sanity. I appreciate that difference. I enjoy new challenges.”

“Well, I’m glad I can be of as much use to you, as you are to me.”

Suddenly, he grabs my hands that were still in the air. The surprise move catches me off guard, and I’m left gasping for breath as he sniffs my hair. “Do not
ever
tell me I am useful to you, Lillith. I am not your savior. I am merely a piece of your puzzle, which you’ve yet to unravel. Don’t take me for a kind man, Lillith, because I am not. Contrary to what you may believe, I do not care for people. I take what I want, when I want, and that’s it.”

I’m not buying his story. “Oh, really? Is that why you’ve come to visit me
each
and
every
day?”

His hands are swift and rough as he reaches forward and wraps the belt around my wrists, carefully but harsh. Like he’s angry. I guess I struck a nerve.

“Don’t make me regret it.”

“But you admit that you do care?”

He looks me in the eyes as he says, “Not one bit.” And then he picks me up by the shoulders and throws me on the bed. I yelp as I land on my cushion, and Sebastian immediately crawls on near my feet. Being trapped in here with him is nerve-wracking. In a good way. I think.

As he kisses my feet, he gazes up at me with his big, blue, dangerous eyes. “I am simply checking up on what is mine.”

His words should alarm me, but all they do is make me feel at ease. It’s strange, the way the mind reacts to trauma. How a person clings to another when there is nothing left, even though neither knows the other. And especially the way neither is willing to declare this ‘relation’ to be anything more than lust and an escape from reality.

He kisses my lower leg, which makes me weak to the knees. Unexpectedly, he wraps his fingers around my ankles and spreads my legs. “Don’t close your legs from me, Lillith. Open up wide. Keep them spread, or else…”

“Or else what?”

A quick slap to the thigh jerks me right up.

“Do not push my limits, Lillith.”

The palm of his hand presses down on my stomach. I can’t breathe.

“Calm down, Lillith. Let me take charge. Trust me with your body.”

I whimper as his fingers, which were spread on my stomach, slip down to my pussy.

“Do you feel this?” he asks.

“Hmhm …” I close my eyes, trying to control my breathing.

“Focus on the pleasure, not the fear inside your heart. Focus on me and my promise that I will make you feel better.”

“But you just slapped me.”

“Do not forget who you gave yourself to, Lillith. I will discipline you when needed. A slap will bring your focus back to what’s important, which is listening to my commands. You shall do what I say. No ifs. No buts. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Mister Brand.”

He smirks. “Good. You’re learning.”

His lips drag all the way up my leg, making me moan. “If you only knew the things I could do to your body.”

“Do it, then.”

“No.”

I groan in frustration.

“I do not abide by your rules, Lillith. You are mine, not the other way around. Now, spread and let me come closer.” He comes up to his knees, towering above me as I spread my legs. I feel vulnerable, but at the same time, I trust him with my body. I can’t explain why, not to anyone, not even to myself. It’s foolish, and yet I do exactly that.

“Do you have any idea of the thoughts going through my head right now?” he says, sliding just one, single finger down my body, avoiding my pussy on purpose.

“Enlighten me,” I say.

Suddenly, he comes crashing down, hovering just one inch above me. He holds himself on the bars of my bed, steady and calculated, like a master of control. “I want to suck on your lips, but not the ones that speak.” He breathes hot air into my ear, making me all hot and bothered. “I could bind you to the bed and make your skin rosy red from my belt.” His fingers drift down my chest as I hiss. “I would make you kneel and touch yourself while I spoil myself with your pretty mouth. Would you like that, Lillith? Have you dreamed of licking my cock and sucking my cum out of me?”

He bites his lip, so deliciously naughty that I want to press my lips on his. But I don’t, because I know he wouldn’t want me to. I don’t know why I listen to him the way I do. Why I’m so inclined to do as he pleases. There is something innately feral and raw about being obedient to someone you barely know. Like some kind of primal fucking session. As long as it takes my mind off being here, I’m perfectly fine with anything he does. As long as it involves pleasure, I’m good.